Lost And Insecure!

Lost And Insecure!

Lexa would usually find Clarke's school bag slung over her bed when she came home from school, informing her that the blonde had already beaten her home and disappeared out already. For the past three days Clarke had almost done everything to avoid Lexa, she would rush home, change then disappear till it was time to come home. Lexa tried for a conversation a number of times with her shy and nervous 'hi's and 'are you ok’s?' but Clarke kept it short and simple with a smile nod on her face. Lexa has been through alot in her life, she never had the best upbringing that's for sure and she sure as hell made her own mistakes but she didn't want Clarke to be one, she regretted it deeply how she snapped at the blonde and wished she could take it back more than anything, but the most she could do was apologise and she had tried, much to her disappointment, Clarke had just brushed it off. Lexa missed the blonde in her day to day life even if she had been in it for such a short while. She missed laying cuddled together, she missed the way Clarke would look at her everyday. She missed the way Clarke made her feel safe and complete. She had finally come to admit to herself She liked Clarke more than she should, she had accepted it and her wall had tumbled down, only now she was bare, she didn't have Clarke making her feel safe and she didn't have her wall protecting her either, she felt empty. 
Yet all she found her mind occupied by was Clarke with her blue eyes, the way her blonde locks looked perfect sprawled across the pillow on the bed they had shared. She missed the way Clarke would hold her tighter the second Lexa's hand would tighten around her top before falling asleep.  She missed the blonde like a raw ache in her bones. 

She hated every second of it. 

Yet today was different, today Clarke finally acknowledged Lexa and her fingers tingled. She felt the first genuine smile creep on her face and it made her nervous like it was the first time they had met. Lexa hoped this could be the beginning to getting back to normal, she had hoped more than anything. So when she approached her bedroom door to hear a soft melody echoing through the crack of the door she stood froze for a second. The smile creped on her face as she continued to stand in the hall way, Clarke was inside playing guitar, stopping and starting again as she tried to get the tune correct. She was a little nervous to enter, she debated entering at all not wanting to ruin her hopes of everything changing back to how they use to be. 
But this was Clarke, the girl she had fell for and couldn't seem to get out of her mind. 

Lexa pushed the door open and slid in quietly she took a glance over to Clarke laying against the wall feet bent at the knee on the bed as she focused on the strings of the guitar, pulling them gently with her fingers.

"i didn't know you played" Lexa said softly a edge of her nervousness showing in her tone. 

"I don't" Clarke smiled looking up to the brunette who was stepping closer slowly. 

"You sound really good" Lexa admitted taking that extra step closer,  hoping the blonde wouldn't turn her away and laugh in her face. "May i sit?" She questioned. Clarke nodded focusing back on her guitar as she pulled a few more string's quickly moving her fingers up and down the length of the string's getting the correct melody. They sat there for a moment Lexa admiring the girl's hands movements and her focus. She smiled at the sight, music was her weakness and her finger's couldn't stop tingling at watching the girl she had a crush on play. 

"May i?" Lexa questioned looking to the instrument and back to Clarke.

"You play?" Clarke questioned handing over the instrument. Lexa placed the guitar under her arm fitting her hand firmly around the top finding the right strings beneath her fingers.  "it suits you" Clarke admitted now eyeing Lexa. 

"Thank you" Lexa smiled looking to the blonde as she played a small relaxing melody moving her fingers swiftly to each string not needing to focus on the instrument itself as she played. 

"How did you learn?" Clarke questioned curiously knowing she didn't have a family to help her with these thing or a family to pay for lessons. 

"i taught myself" Lexa admitted continuing to play a relaxing melody, taking any tension in the room away, she wanted to keep it relaxed not wanting to ruin this chance at finally speaking with the blonde. 

"Sing" Clarke encouraged. She watched Lexas face scrunch up and become more nervous at the request. "Please. I like your voice" Clarke admitted. She watched green eyes focus on her own intensely as she swallowed hard. 

"Clarke..im sorry for ever snapping at you" Lexa said softly gazing in to blue. 

"Lex-"

"Please Clarke. I need you to believe im sorry, i never meant that, i was angry, and upset. I was a idiot" Lexa admitted still pulling the strings not wanting to feel the tension building more and more as she spoke. 

"It's ok" Clarke assured, unable to admit Lexa hurt her with her words. "Sing. Please" 

"Ok" Lexa breathed relaxing back on the bed beside Clarke, their shoulders brushing against one another. "I'm not very good"

"You forget I've heard you. You're anything but not good" Clarke confesses tucking her feet beneath her bum.

"Good. Great. Ok." Lexa mumbled becoming more nervous at the realisation she was going to sing with the blonde staring at her while sitting so Close. "Ok" Lexa repeated looking at her instrument, earning a small giggle from the blonde. 

"Relax" Clarke tried to reassure unable to hide her amusement. 

"Ok." Lexa breathed taking a breath before slowly pulling at the strings allowing the melody to echo through the room. 

"Twinkle. Twinkle...little star" Lexa teased, watching Clarke shake her head with a smile on her face. 

"Properly!" Clarke stated laying back against the wall to relax. 

Once more Lexa looked to the guitar in her hands placing her fingers on the right strings allowing the melody to play threw out the room, as her eyes fell closed.
Clarke eye'd her intensely watching how her closed eyes would tighten down as she sang, her lips releasing the most angelic beautiful voice, it was nothing like the first time when Clarke heard Lexa casually singing to a song as she was behind the other door, this was Lexa trying to sing, showing Clarke her voice completely. 

'well i tried to live without you, but the tears fall from my eyes. Im alone and i feel empty god im torn apart inside, i look at the stars hoping your doing the same, some how i feel closer, and i can hear you say." 

Clarke's small smile turned in to one of the biggest smiles she felt appear on her lips as she pushed her blonde locks back from her face she was unable to stop staring or stop listening to the brunette. Her voice was mind blowing. Clarke didn't recognise the song, but she noticed how Lexa slowed the song down making the lyrics more intense. She watched Lexa's eyes slowly open catching blue with green allowing a small smile to appear on her own lips as her hands trailed down the guitar, making the instrument sound deepen and become louder. 
"ohh. I miss you. Oh.. i need you.  I love you more than i did before, and if today i don't see your face, nothing changed no one can take your place.It get's harder everyday.

As Clarke continued to watch Lexa's eyes, her lips and her fingers glide up and down the guitar with ease, she knew this song was personal. She knew this song meant something to Lexa, with every word she sang, she felt the passion and the question Lexa desired. She heard the guitar slower and become more quiet as Lexa sang her final words

"im sorry it's this way, but ill be coming home. ill be coming home. But if you asked me i would stay..i would stay. " 

As the song came to a end, Lexa's eyes closed bringing the instrument to a stop. Clarke remained quiet for a moment watching the brunette intensely.

"You’re incredible" Clarke breathed taking Lexa's hand in her own as she watched the brunette smile softly deep in thought. "What was that song about?" Clarke questioned in the softest way possible allowing Lexa to know she didn't have to answer that if she didn't want to. A few moments passed before Lexa turned her gaze back to Clarke leaning her shoulder more on her's before looking to there entangled hand's. 

"I learned to play the guitar by myself" Lexa repeats her earlier statement and Clarke thinks she is ignoring her question, diverting it somewhere else. "There was one foster home i was placed in, and i wasn't the only foster child there" Lexa admitted squeezing Clarke's hand once more and Clarke squeezed right back. "It was the worst place i had been. He was a man who just wanted the money, and the high qualitys of being a foster parent, the government would look after him as a thank you for helping." Lexa informed not wanting to get in to so much detail about all of that. "There was a boy there named Aden, lost in the system like myself" Lexa admitted stopping only when she felt Clarke's thumb glide back and forth on the back of her hand, and it soothed her instantly pressing a small smile to her lips.  
"Titus. Was the man's name, he was aggressive and foul mouthed, he treated me and Aden Exactly how the world see's us. Damaged and no good" Lexa breathed looking down to her lap using her spare hand to fiddle with the guitar strings. "Once Aden was playing with his toy car that he brought with him from his previous home. Titus lost it and hit Aden for being so loud, stopping him from being able to hear the TV properly. He didn't care for us, he just wanted the payment at the end of the month and the benefits to his home. Aden and i grew close, he was younger than me so i felt the need to protect him. So i did." Lexa admitted stopping as she felt the tight grip Clarke was holding. She didn't look up, if she looked up she wouldn't be able to tell her the complete story, so was glad when Clarke stayed silent. 

"we had a room, with a mattress and a wardrobe. We wasn't allowed to sit by the tv with him, and we got bullied when ever we left the house." Lexa admitted biting on her inner lip. This was something she never spoke of, it showed how weak she really was, the coward she had become. "When Titus would go on an attack i would shield Aden and take the full force. Bruises came after bruises. Aden would cry as he held me sore and limp. The pain faded along with who i use to be, it changed me and all i thought about every time i closed my eye's was the way my mum use to smile at me, and i would wonder where she is today" Lexa admitted feeling the tears prick her eyes but she refused to let it stop her. "There was a guitar in the house, and slowly i learnt to play, i taught myself until i knew every note, and i got better over time. I Would play to Aden quietly when he would be scared or sad, and i would sing him that song." Lexa wiped her tears free from her face with her spare hand before pushing a smile to her lips a smile that couldn't have been more fake if she tried. 

"So. The answer to your question Clarke is, the song is from my past. It's about my mum, and Aden." Lexa smiled still not daring to Look at the blonde with her fierce grip.

"Hey.." Clarke's soothing voice whispered and Lexa instantly felt Clarke shift her body facing the brunette before sliding her hand across Lexa's cheek urging her to look up. "Look at me" Clarke whispered. Lexa raised her head to Clarke's but her eye's were drew down Lexa knew if Clarke would look in to them now, she would see her for who she is, she would see the fear and the sadness stripped to it's raw core and Lexa didn't want that. She focused on Clarke's chin while gritting her teeth desperately trying to ignore the ach in her jaw telling her she wanted to cry. She clenched through it gripping her teeth tighter and tighter all while looking at Clarke's chin. 

"Lexa" Clarke whispered soothing her thumb over the brunettes cheek. "Look at me" She whispered once more moving her face closer to Lexa's. After a short moment Lexa's green glassed over eyes looked in to Clarke's and the blonde looked at her with so much Love, so much care and tenderness. The look that instantly made Lexa's jaw unclench and her frown appear as the tears slowly trickled down Lexa's strong cheek bones. 

"You are not Damaged and no Good" Clarke said firm but soft her thumb gliding back and forth as her eyes searched green. "Do you hear me?" Clarke questioned not expecting a answer. "You are so much more than you think" Clarke admitted. "You're so strong" 

"Im not strong..Cl-arke. Im weak" Lexa sniffled quickly wiping her tears away telling herself to stop. 

"Weak?" Clarke questioned. "is that how you see yourself?" Clarke questioned wanting to understand more. "Lexa. Having someone lay a hand on you is not weakness. In fact you showed your strength when you didn't stand aside and allow a small boy to be hurt." Clarke admitted her eyes franticly scanning Green eyes as her own tears fell. "You fort for yourself, and you fort For Aden. Every single time you Sang a song, Every single time you shielded Aden, you fort. You’re still fighting now."

"Clarke" Lexa mumbled looking down but Clarke didn't Allow it as she cupped both cheeks. 

"No. Lexa. You are strong" Clarke pushed begging the words to sink in to the broken girl in front of her. "You have no idea what i see" Clarke admitted pushing her hand through Lexa's brown fallen locks at the side of her face, before taking Lexa in her arms and gripping her tightly in a hug. 
"Thank you for sharing that with me" Clarke finally breathed knowing it would have been hard. 

"I've never told anyone" Lexa mumbled in to the crock of Clarke's neck. 

They remained holding one another on the bed for sometime, neither wanting or daring to more. After days avoiding Lexa, Clarke was taking comfort in this small contact, as much as she avoided Lexa she craved her from the distance. Every time she woke in the night, every time she would see her sitting with her group of friends on the field on their lunch break. Clarke had even grew jealous of Anya and Lexa's close relationship, not in that way but for the reason being she would come home and find Anya and Lexa laughing and joking, Anya would wined Lexa up only for it to wined Anya up more as Lexa never gave much of a reaction.

"Are you not going out today?" Lexa finally broke the silence pulling away from their close embrace, wiping at her damp cheeks. If the brunette wanted to forget the conversation for now, then Clarke would do just that, she would wait patiently for Lexa to speak more openly in her own time.

"later" Clarke admitted "Fin is not finishing till late today, so i have to wait"

"oh" Lexa replys turning her head to look directly in front of her instead of at Clarke. "Is that where you have been going?" Lexa pressed biting on the inner of her lip. She had suspected she was at Fin's or with Fin, as he seemed to be missing on some Lunch breaks with the blonde, and never went out with her friends as she had casually asked the small group what they got up to the night before. 

"Yes." Clarke smiled "We're kind of a team"

"Oh" Lexa smiled, just as quickly as it was put on her face it quickly disappeared. She stood from the bed lifting the guitar strap over her head handing the instrument back to the blonde. Clarke took the instrument eyeing the brunette carefully as she walked back to her own bed. 

"Clarke" Lexa said softly placing her bum on her mattress. "You can go with Fin tomorrow to the festival, i can just go with Costia she already offered anyway" 

"Is that what you want?" Clarke questioned curiously never taking her eyes of the brunette "To go with Costia?" Lexa looked up catching blue with her own. She could be honest, she could tell Clarke that she wanted nothing more than to go with the blonde. She could tell her she had felt her fingers tingle the second Clarke stepped up and confirmed Lexa would still be going with her, Or she could lie. She could tell her that she didn't care who she went with, or that she would prefer to go with Costia, but then that would mean Clarke would spend the night with Fin, her ex boyfriend, or now current boyfriend again. Lexa fiddled with her own fingers in her lap, going over the answers she could give in her head to such a simple question.

"What are you nervous about?" Clarke questioned drawing her eyes to Lexa's fiddling hand's and back to Lexa light green eyes.

"What?"

"You’re fiddling." Clarke pointed "You fiddle more when you’re nervous. What are you nervous about?" Clarke almost ordered, but her tone remained calm and soft.

"I..Um." Lexa fumbled on her words as she tried to stop the fiddling habit she had grew to take comfort in. "I..I kind of want to go with you" Lexa admitted looking to her lap. "But if you want to go with Fin, then that's fine too" Lexa hummed allowing her fingers to fiddle anyway. Clarke watched the brunette with a small smile on her face, she was cute when she got nervous, Clarke would never bore of seeing it. 

"i want to go with you too" Clarke admitted with a cheeky grin on her face, watching Lexa gaze catch her own. "Bedsides i chose your outfit, i get to see it first" Clarke grinned. 

"I'm going to look silly" 

"You’re going to look incredible" Clarke announced moving over to sit beside Lexa. "trust me" Green caught blue, like they always did, they always found one another and Lexa would always smile. 

"I do" Lexa whispered knowing Clarke had no idea How much she really did. She watched Clarke's pearly white's appear in slow motion as her lips parted and showed her beautiful smile. Lexa just wanted to kiss her, she wanted to take those pink lips on her own, and taste Clarke all over again, but She knew she wasn't that brave, no matter how much she wished she was. 

"I've got to go" Clarke finally spoke breaking the silence and their close proximity as she stood to her feet. "Ill see you later?" Clarke questioned watching Lexa nod.

"Clarke" Lexa spoke quickly before she had time to disappear.

"Yeah?"

"I've missed this" Lexa admitted.

"Me to" Clarke smiled lingering for a moment before she waved and disappeared out the bedroom. 

Lexa pushed back on the bed in a groan not exactly sure how she was feeling, on one hand she was excited giddy and nervous from just being around the blonde again, then on the other hand Clarke was on her way to Fin's house. She was on her way to her ex boyfriends house, maybe current boyfriend now, Lexa didn't know, but just saying that to herself didn't settle well. If Clarke was back with Fin what had she kissed Lexa for? Why had she asked her one night what she was doing to her as she kissed her more passionately? There were to many questions spinning round and round only building on top of one another as time went by with no real answers, the whole thing was becoming confusing, so Lexa didn't know if feeling jealousy bubbling in the pit of her stomach was something she had a right to feel. Clarke and her were never really anything at all. 

--

"Just ask her!" Anya mumbled kicking Lexa under the table as the four of them sat eating dinner. 

"Stop kicking me" Lexa whispered back rubbing her shin 

"Ask then!" Anya encouraged as Lexa cut through her steak, she knew she needed to ask Abby before school tomorrow as it was first come first serve, and if she left it she could possibly miss out, but Lexa's mind was occupied already by the blonde who was absent at the table. She had already been gone three hours, and she rarely missed dinner time, the brunette struggled to push the images of Fin kissing Clarke how she once had, the moans that would push past the blondes lips and echo in to Lexa's mouth as there tongue's had collided, she hated every thought that were uninvited in to her mind to do with Clarke with someone else, and if anyone was really paying attention to Lexa at the table, they would of noticed the way the brunette aggressively sliced through the steak on her plate, to lost in thought to take in anything. 

"Abby Lexa has something she want's to ask you" Anya announced with a smirk on her lips as Lexa snapped her head at the dark blonde with wide eyes. 

"What's that?" Abby questioned looking to Lexa while popping a chip in her mouth.

"no i don't" Lexa chickened out looking down to her plate.

"Urh yes you do." Anya interrupts this time feeling a kick from Lexa under the table, a lot more gentler than Anya's. "Don't kick me" Anya smirks across the table making Lexa go red. 

"Im not" Lexa stutters. She hated Anya sometimes. 

"Ask them the dam question!" Anya ordered. "Or ill do it myself" 

"Girls" Jake interrupted "Would you just tell us what the question is please" 

Anya looked to Lexa waiting on the brunette to speak up only rolling her eyes when she remained quiet, earning herself another kick from Anya instantly making her head snap up, And Anya just sat there smirking. 

"Fine." Anya huffed. "Im going to tell you or this little chicken here will chicken out. Lexa wants to go to Thailand on a school trip, she had a letter somewhere or something" Anya babbled on not really knowing the full details. 

"Oh." Jake smiles while slicing at his steak. "The volunteering? Clarke has the same one, she left it on the kitchen side for us when she got home" Jake say's casually as if it was nothing new.

"Um. Yes. i Hate to ask, as you have done so much for me alread-"

"Lexa" Abby interrupts more softly with a smile on her lips "How many times have i told you, you are apart of this family now. Of course we will sign it" 

"Um. You...we have to pay for it" Lexa added incase the Griffins wasn't sure it wasn't just a signature she was asking for.

"We have read the letter love" Abby smiled "We're aware. Bedside's it seems like an amazing opportunity"

"Thank you" Lexa finally says the Griffin's never failing to stop amazing her.

"See. That was easy" Anya whispered nudging Lexa after a few moment's. It really was.

---

The darkness came to quick for Lexa, she had been watching the clock as she watched a movie with the Griffin's. Eight o clock turned to nine, and nine turned to ten, and Still Clarke wasn't home yet. She really tried to not allow disappointment to consume her mind like it always did, she really tried not to let the thought of everyone disappoints you in the end, but she couldn't. The longer Clarke stayed out, the more Lexa was unable to focus on anything but her and Fin. Even when she tucked herself in bed that night, her mind was racing with the blonde, she had never felt jealousy before but she was sure this was it. She was sure that the sickening feeling she felt when she thought of kissing someone else was nothing but jealousy. She hated the thought, the image, the way her mind would not focus on anything else no matter how much she tried. It was possibly one of the worse emotions Lexa had experienced in her life as it didn't come alone, it came with anger, a ache in your stomach, and it hurt. Yet there was nothing she could do about it, as Clarke was never hers to start with. 

"What the fuck is that!" Anya snapped sitting up in her bed as lexa copied watching Anya's wondering eye's scanning her bed. 

"What?" Lexa questioned watching the dark blonde curiously. 

"Fuck!" Anya sprang out of bed after a moment of silence quickly standing up on Lexa's bed. "There's a fucking spider in the bed!!" Anya screeched

"A spider?" Lexa questioned shifting from her own bed with a smile on her face, as her eyes scanned Clarke's bed for the creepy Crawley. "Awh it's just a spider" Lexa giggled reaching for the small eight legged thing as it ran along the bed sheets. 

"Did you just awh a fucking spider" Anya growled "Are you kidding me, there disgusting...get that god dam thing away from me" Anya demanded backing in to corner of Lexa's bed as Lexa had took a step closer holding the ugly thing. Lexa was unable to hold in her amusement as she giggled at the almighty Anya scared of a spider. 

"The spider is smaller than you" Lexa laughed 

"So is a god dam grenade but you don't see me picking one of those up do you!" Anya barked clearly in a mood. "Kill it" Anya ordered cringing watching it crawl in Lexa's palm. 

"No, ill let it out" Lexa spoke calmly unable to remove the amused smile from her lips. 

"What if it get's back in!" Anya whined 

"Just be grateful it's not a grenade" The brunette laughed heading out the bedroom to dispose of the creature. 

After that Anya had point blank refused to get in to Clarke's bed so she ended up sharing with Lexa for the night, their back's to one another in the small single bed leaving little room to move freely, it had took a while for Lexa to fall asleep as she kept thinking back to Anya screeching on her bed from a tiny spider, she found it highly amusing and couldn't stop giggling much to Anya's annoyance elbowing Lexa to shut up a number of times while pointing out it was 'seriously not funny' Of course that comment only made it worse for the brunette as every time it fell silence in the room she would struggle to silence her giggle. After countless nudges, countless giggles, and countless time's Lexa's mind wondered back to Clarke and what she was doing she eventually fell asleep with Anya snoring like a pig beside her, completely dead to the world. She never heard Clarke enter, she never saw the blonde stand froze to the spot as she watched her cousin and Lexa sleeping peacefully, she didn't feel Clarke stand by her bed and smile at the sleeping brunette before getting in her own bed. 

///

Lexa woke that night like every other night for the last three days. She was coated in a thin layer of sweat with Anya still fast asleep beside her, Anya really did sleep through everything and Lexa couldn't be more grateful. She would hate to have to explain it, the brunette was so worried about waking Anya she didn't notice Clarke was in her bed when she got up and made her way out the room to head downstairs, she didn't notice Clarke watching her with worried eye's, she didn't notice Clarke sit up the second Lexa headed out the room. 

Lexa switched the light on in the kitchen, running the cold tab before grabbing a glass from the cupboard, She took small sip's from the glass before placing the cold glass to her head in hope to cool her down. She hated waking through the night sweating while shouting out. She hated that her past could follow her anywhere and still haunt her no matter what she does. She felt there was no escape. Lexa wondered in to the living room scanning her eyes over the walls covered in photos. She had looked at them a number of times and each time they made her smile and ache at the same time. Clarke was much younger in the pictures her face coated in chocolate as she devoured a ice cream while only sitting in her nappy looking all innocent. A photo with all the Griffin's in a family portrait Clarke no older than seven as she gave a big goofy tooth grin. 
One photo that Lexa loved the most was Anya and Clarke in primary school in their little red and white dresses and pig tails one with a blue bow's in there hair the other with red. They were adorable. Lexa found herself smiling each time she would come across the photo's but also wonder what her family photo's would have looked like if her mother was still alive today. Would she have been just as happy as Clarke, smiling with a tooth grin? Lexa would never no, but it never stopped her imagining what life could have been like. 

"are you ok?" Clarke questioned leaning on the door frame wiping at her sleepy eye's before steeping closer to the startled brunette. 

"You scared me" Lexa admitted turning around seeing Clarke in her pyjama shorts and vest. 

"Sorry" Clarke smiled taking a step closer, not even thinking about her next move of action as she snaked her arms around Lexa. "Another nightmare?" Clarke questioned feeling the brunette nod against her shoulder. 

"You're home." Lexa points out forgetting her nightmares. She was more happy to see the blonde home than she could possibly admit. 

"I am" Clarke smiled pulling away. "Where else would i be?" Clarke questioned with the softest smile. 

"Finn's" Lexa mumbled looking down between the two of them before meeting blue again. Feeling Clarke's hand rest on Lexa's hip had her fingers tingling like crazy, never mind having her standing there in short's and vest revealing the curve of her chest and her long legs on view. 

"I fell asleep" Clarke admitted smiling at herself "that's why i was late coming home. Thankfully the project is finished with" 

"Project?" Lexa questioned raising a brow as she searched blue, and blue searched right back. 

"Our English Project. We got teamed together"

All Lexa heard was Project and teamed together. Those words alone made lexa feel lighter not realising she had felt so heavy about it, she must have done something for Clarke to notice a change as she smirked and giggled at the brunette in front of her. 

"Lex" Clarke hummed still guiding her thumb back and forth on the girls hip. "Why was Anya in your bed?" 

"Apparently the mighty Anya is scared of spiders" Lexa giggled trying to think of anything but that gliding thumb. Failing of course. "There was one in your bed" 

"My bed?" Clarke's eyes nearly popping out her sockets "Did you get it out?" She questioned quickly making Lexa grin once more. 

"Are all Griffin's scared of spiders?" 

"You seen them?" Clarke questioned with wide eyes "There so ugly" Clarke tightens up her body thinking of them "Gives me the creeps"  she admits. "Did you get it out?"

"Yes i got it out" Lexa laughed biting on her bottom lip at the sight in front of her. Clarke has never looked more attractive in her sleepy state, her blue eye's a shade darker with her hair more wild from moving against her pillow, and still Lexa was unable to get the thumb moving back and forth out of her mind as Clarke's grip never loosened around her. Lexa loved it. 

"Don't do that" Clarke husked watching Lexa intensely before moving her hand and using her thumb to pull the bitten lip from Lexa's grasp. It felt so intimate and soft, the way Clarke's eyes were drew to Lexa's lips from such a small gesture like she had become hypnotised. "Don't do that" Clarke whispered once more like she had forgot she had already said it to lost in Lexa's lips. Only making Lexa want to bite it once more, as long as Clarke remained looking at her that way. "You have no idea how much i want to kiss you" Clarke breathed. Lexa almost shocked by the statement didn't move, her eyes scanning Clarke's features but she was lost unaware of anything other than the focus she had on Lexa's lip's. Lexa knew words failed her in every sense no matter how much she tried to speak what she wanted it would never come out exactly how she wanted it, music was for that and so was writing in her book that she kept under her pillow, but standing here in front of a hypnotised Clarke with lip's parted, Lexa didn't want Clarke to just want to kiss her, she ached for her to do it. So Lexa bit her lip once more daring Clarke to lose control and kiss her, her knee's trembled when Clarke released a unsteady breath with lips parted, instantly feeling Clarke's grip on her hip tighten. 
"Lexa" Clarke breathed. Lexa felt the fierce grip the blonde had on her hip but her eye's were unable to do anything but nervously shift between the two darkened blue eye's in front of her. Clarke's eye's clamped shut along with her lip's as she released a slow heavy breath before flickering them open once more to capture Green. "Let's go sit" Clarke smiled pushing down the fire blazing urge to kiss the girl standing in front of her, her smile was behind gritted teeth and inappropriate thought's as Lexa allowed her to pull her to the couch looking a little confused at the change of mood.

Lexa sat down first with her back against the armchair, legs tucked beside her until Clarke sat down beside her pulling Lexa's leg's over her own and pulling the blanket down from the back of the couch over both of them. Clarke instantly finding Lexa's hand and tangling there finger's together. 

"Hi" Clarke smile innocently squeezing her hand with Lexa's

"Hi" Lexa replied with her small timid voice. Both girls fell silent, Clarke playing with Lexa's fingers from beneath the blanket and Lexa unable to stop studying the blonde in front of her, she looked like she wanted to speak, like she was nervous or something. 

"You mentioned your mum earlier" Clarke's voice was small as if testing the waters. "Do you no where she is?" Clarke questioned wanting to know everything about the girl knowing she barely knew anything at all.

"I do" Lexa admitted now beginning to fiddle with the blanket threads with her other hand, she had never spoke of her past with anyone other than Aden. Nobody cared enough to ask, people would judge not needing to know her past or history. The Griffin's were different. Clarke was different. The blonde placed her other had over Lexa's fiddling fingers with a soft smile.

"We Can talk about something else”

"She died" Lexa breathed feeling brave when her eyes connected with Clarke's. "My dad actually...He is to blame" Lexa admitted

"Im sorry" Clarke squeezed the brunette's hand "I didn't know" She rushed feeling like she crossed a line, she had assumed her mother was alive. 

"Don't apologise" Lexa breathes, Allowing the silence to linger between them for a moment once more.

"Can i ask about Aden?" Clarke questioned not wanting to press on her mother's death any more, Lexa would tell her in her own time when she feels ready. "If you don't want to talk about it we don't have to" Clarke reassured. Lexa wanted to tell Clarke she trusted her, she wanted to tell her she would tell her anything if she asked as the blonde made her feel more safe than anyone ever had in her life, she believed for the first time Clarke would protect her in anyway. The blonde had proven to do so when someone hurt her, called her name's and Clarke was by her side ready to rescue her from Murphy every time. As much as Lexa could say all of that, the way Clarke soothed her and the way her eye's looked at her she didn't feel like she needed to. 

"I was twelve when i was placed in Titus's  care, Aden was eight." Lexa admitted "He was a baby at heart, and would cling to me all the time. He was the first person since my mum died that made me feel like i had a little family. He was a trooper, we both got bullied as our clothes were run down's, we had nothing like everyone else, we didn't have toys we didn't have families. We only had one another and we protected one another the best we could" Lexa admitted feeling her palms become sweaty against Clarke's. 

"I would have took care of you both" Clarke admitted wishing she had been around for Lexa when she was younger. 

"Im sure you would have" Lexa agreed. Clarke was just a old soul with a warm heart. 

"What happened with Aden?" 

"We both got separated, when Gustus was investigated. I got placed back in the system as a lost cause, and Aden.. i don't know. I haven't seen him since. He will be almost 14 now" 

"That must have been hard" Clarke squeezed the brunette's hand making her look up. 

"It was. He was like my little brother. I think about him everyday" Lexa spoke more quietly. "We’ll find one another again" She hoped "We made a promise" 

"I hope so" Clarke beamed in hope of one day the two being reunited. She liked the idea of Lexa feeling like somewhere out there Lexa felt she had a tiny part of family left, even if they wasn't blood. "I would love to meet him" Clarke admitted.

The girls shifted positions laying side by side as they continued to talk about anything and everything that didn't matter. They smiled and laughed while  holding on to one another in one way or another forgetting it was now almost two o'clock in the morning with a long day ahead of them tomorrow.
"Did it hurt?" Lexa questioned twitching her lip to the side. 

"A little" Clarke admitted. "But the pain eases and get's better. Have you never?" Clarke questioned unsure whether to ask about Lexa's Sex life.

"No" Lexa admitted a little embarrassed while enjoying the soothing pattern's Clarke was drawing on the back of her hand. "I've never. People didn't look twice."

"I find that hard to believe" Clarke admitted watching the brunette shrink in front of her letting her shoulders sag. "They must have been blind" Clarke whispered catching the beautiful green gaze staring right back. "You look sleepy" Clarke grinned seeing Lexa's heavy eye lids pulling down. 

"I am" Lexa confirmed finally allowing her eyes to shut as she snuggled further in the couch, instantly reaching out and gripping Clarke's vest, instantly feeling Clarke's arm snake around her body and pull her closer, she tried not to think of Clarke's body heat pressed against her's, she tried not to think about the rapid beating of her heart while feeling Clarke's breath hit her face, and she tried not thinking about the look Clarke gave her when she bit her lip. Of course she failed each and everyone, thinking about them all a million miles an hour while gripping Clarke's top tighter in her palm. The ache she had felt for days wanting to be close to Clarke again vanishing with every breath she felt Clarke exhale. 

"i can't stop thinking about you" Clarke whispered after awhile causing Lexa's eyes to flicker open seeing Clarke already watching her. "I'm sorry" Clarke admitted "I shouldn't have said that, but i cant stop myself." she admitted while circling her thumb on Lexa's back over her top. "All i can think about is kissing you" Clarke whispered once more with her eyes still closed unable to rid Lexa's lips from her mind. "I want to kiss you" Clarke admitted not daring herself to look at Lexa after her confession. Clarke was silence with her eyes still closed. She knew she shouldn't have said anything, but at the same time she couldn't help herself, she wasn't sure she wanted to any more. Three days without having Lexa in her life had been her most miserable, her mind was consumed completely by Lexa, when she couldn't see her she imagined her, when she couldn't hear her she thought of her laugh or her small innocent voice that made her cuter than words could ever begin to describe, every single night she had ached to crawl in to bed and have Lexa hold her with that incredible grip. She hated how much she felt like she needed Lexa in everything she did and feared it more that Lexa didn't need it back. 

"Then kiss me" Lexa whispered. This time Clarke's eyes snapped open, it had felt like a lifetime ago since her confession and she wasn't entirely sure how long it had really been. She studied Lexa for a moment not sure whether she had really heard it or not but when she watched Lexa's eye's scan her eyes then dropped to her lips as if she was waiting on Clarke to make that final move.

The blonde adjusted herself to lean over Lexa slightly, so she was able to look down at the brunette patiently waiting and watching Clarke's every movement, she looked small and vulnerable beneath the blonde, and Clarke's breathing paused as she moved her fingers to glide down the length of brown lock's beside Lexa's face. 
She adjusted herself once more leaning closer and closer towards Lexa only allowing their eye contact to break when they would shift to each other's lips while waiting in anticipation. When they were nose touchingly close Clarke watched the brunette's eye's flicker closed releasing heavy a breath from her nose, Clarke's body instantly was set on fire at the sight of Lexa wanting and waiting for their lips to meet. She pushed her soft lips to Lexa's plump one's. It was everything Clarke remembered, the taste, the feel, the fire that burned through her body as their lips moved in perfect sync with one another like they had been doing it a life time. Her moans pushing past her lip's willingly unable to push them down from just the simple kiss. When their lips parted neither girl opened their eyes, both remained hovering so close to one another not wanting to move away, Clarke fort every urge she had not to press her lips back down to Lexa's and allow their tongue's to meet.
That urge went unheard when Lexa connected their lips back together. Clarke's body went in to overdrive not expecting their lips to be connected once more, never mind Lexa to be the one to connect them. The blonde smiled in to the kiss Losing every ounce of control she had as she shifted above Lexa, straddling her as she begged for entrance with her tongue. The second Clarke's tongue connected with Lexa's and a quiet moan escaped the brunettes lips, Clarke's body pressed in to Lexa's feeling every curve against her own she felt her body slipping more and she needed and wanted to feel more of the brunette beneath her, she had never normally wore this little of clothing to bed, normally it was long pyjama bottoms and a t-shirt not a tight vest and short's, yet she wasn't complaining feeling every inch of Lexa's curve's pushed to her skin was making her body ache, crave, burn and feel good all at once.

"Clarke" Lexa whispered pulling away from the kiss in hope to stop it going any further, she could feel Clarke's body pushing more and more in to her with every moan she released and she knew Clarke was lost in the moment. That only made Lexa more nervous, she wasn't ready for any of this. She wasn't like Clarke everything was new to her. Her first kiss was only with Costia a few week's ago and Clarke had done it all already, she wasn't ready for any of that.

"im so sorry" Clarke quickly pulled her body away realising how much friction she was trying to get from Lexa's body. Her eye's filled with regret and fear. She thought she had fucked up

"It's not that" Lexa's voice was small again as she clung on to Clarke's top once more, as if she feared she would run. "Can we go to bed?" Lexa questioned searching blue. 

"of course" Clarke smiled pausing for a moment to look at the beautiful sight beside her. Her eyes softened and her lips formed a smile thinking of their kiss and how Lexa kissed her again. "Let's go" She whispered kissing Lexa's lips once more before standing up and taking her hand in her own.

They walked upstairs quietly hands gripping once another’s as they made their way down the darkened hallway towards their bedroom, their thoughts both running away with themselves while Clarke decided she was fed up of being scared. 
She pulled at Lexa's hand bringing them to a halt facing one another. 

"Sleep in my bed with me?" Clarke whispered wanting nothing more than to snuggle down and fall asleep with one another. Lexa nodded squeezing the blondes hand not wanting to wake any of the Griffins up early hours in the morning but that didn't stop Clarke with the beaming smile that spread across her lips at Lexa's agreement. She leaned forward capturing Lexa's lips on her own once more, this time slow and soft, there was no tongue's battling for dominance, there was no moaning in one another's mouths even if Clarke was suppressing them when she felt Lexa's lips respond like they always did. She was definitely falling for Lexa. 
"come on" Clarke whispered pulling Lexa forward once more in to their room after parting their kiss with Smiles on their lips. 

Their bodies moulded together as one, Lexa’s palm found it's home around Clarke's top, while Clarke's arms clung to Lexa for dear life. They had missed this for three days and they certainly showed it to one another, as they fort against their heavy eye lids watching one another, smiling at each other and occasionally releasing a quiet nervous giggle. Not alot was said between the two girls about their feelings that night, but the words that had been spoken had changed so much. Clarke leaned forward countless time's pecking Lexa's lips unable to deny them any more, she never deepened it but she also couldn't stop doing it either, each time she pulled away a bigger smile replaced her lips. Their grips were tighter around each other and their bodies pressed closer, both trying to deny sleep not wanting this moment to end, But when their eye lids became to heavy their eye's closed squeezing one another in one way or another to confirm they were still awake for now. 

"Clarke" Lexa whispered forgetting her fear, and Anya sleeping in the bed beside them. "You make my fingers tingle" She admitted in the darkened room. Clarke's smile only grew as she squeezed Lexa tighter, snuggling more in to the brunettes body, unable to speak as sleep took over.
That night changed everything they would soon come to learn.