Lost And Insecure!

Lost And Insecure!

The anger pulsing through Clarke's veins were restricting her from sitting down and Relaxing. She knew she should sit down and wait patiently on the bed for Lexa, she knew she should calm herself down before talking with the brunette but Clarke was finding it impossible, as she paced up and down the bedroom. She wanted to rip Murphy's ugly face right of, she wanted to teach him a lesson, play him at his own cruel game although Clarke didn't agree with bullying. She had never felt anger  like thisfelt before, and the rage just kept rising to the surface the more she paced, the more she thought of Lexa crouched over chocking for Oxygen. The push of the bedroom door being opened instantly had Clarke standing still frozen to the spot, as her sad eyes watched the brunette enter. 

"Lexa" Clarke spoke softly feeling the anger drain from her body instantly. Lexa raised her gaze from the floor for the first time since exiting the bathroom, her eyes were drawn down and coated over with a extra shine in her eyes. "hey" Clarke whispered even more softer before cupping the brunettes cheek. "Im so sorry" Clarke whispered. She did everything in her power to try and hold Lexa's gaze but the brunette wasn't having any of it as she shifted in front of her, her eyes sill on the ground.

"Dont apologise" Lexa's voice was more firmer than she had ever heard it before and it took her back slightly. 

"ok." Clarke whispered taking a breath. "are you ok?" Clarke questioned with more sincerity in her voice than she ever had, Clarke felt like she was breaking from the inside out at just the sight.

"Im fine Clarke" Lexa lied before moving past Clarke ignoring her stares, and her pity. Lexa didn't want it. 

For a moment Clarke stood still staring at the spot Lexa was just in, trying to think of anything to make Lexa's self doubt go away. As the days passed she had watched Lexa's confidence grow with beauty, and now Murphy had took that away from a few simple word's and a uncalled for attack. 

"I'll kill him" Clarke muttered behind gritted teeth crossing her arms over her chest gripping herself tightly, and Clarke really did want to kill him, every ounce of anger she ever had that had built up through out the course of her life, didn't come close to the anger she felt right now. 

"this is my battle Clarke" Lexa spoke firm anger in her voice. "i can fend for myself" She growled. 

The blonde turned around instantly taken back by Lexa's harsh tone and snappiness, but when she tried to read the brunette her gaze remained anywhere but Clarke as she through her pillow against her headboard. 

"Im trying to help you" Clarke said softly taking a step forward her brows  furrowed in confusion as Lexa held her hands out for her to stop her movement any closer. 

"I don't need your help Clarke. I don't need you to come and rescue me all the time." 

it was like watching a light switch.

"I know that" Clarke tried once more.

"i don't think you do" Lexa huffed turning to face Clarke finally catching her gaze. "I don't need you, i don't need anyone. I have done fine on my own." 

Clarke's heart plumbed to the ground in seconds she had never seen Lexa like this. Her tone was cold and her stare turned to ice and Clarke felt the full force of it for the first time, she had always known Lexa to be quiet and nervous, never like this. Lexa turned around slumming on her bed ignoring the stare Clarke was giving as she popped her headphones in blocking the world out.

"Im sorry you feel that way" Clarke muttered backing out the bedroom, the second she exited the bedroom she barged past Anya and rushed downstairs not looking up once. Clarke was hurt deeper than she thought she could be.

Anya looked down the hallway and then back to the bedroom, debating to check on Clarke first or confront Lexa for what she just said, She chose the later Lexa needed to hear this. The dark blonde walked in the bedroom, noticing Lexa never look up. Instead Anya lay on the ground with out saying a word, she raised her Legs to Lexa's bed and let them bounce noticing Lexa shift slightly allowing Anya the space. For a while it was quiet and Anya remained patient, she understood Lexa would be just as angry as both the Griffin girls if not more, she knew she would feel humiliated and embarrassed, feeling weak unable to defend for herself. She allowed Lexa that time to think, to get lost in her music like it was a medicine, to bring her back down from the rising anger until she felt grounded once more. Anya remained Laying on the ground for forty five minutes and still she wouldn't give up. Anya's patience eventually paid off when she felt a shift in the bed before Lexa mirrored her actions and laid beside her and removing her head phones.  Anya debated speaking right away deciding to just stare at the ceiling for a little longer allowing Lexa to settle in her new position. 

"Me and Clarke both went to the same school once" Anya finally spoke never looking away from the ceiling "Before my family moved. We were in different years of course as im older but in primary school when ever  the bell would ring announcing it was break time, me and Clarke would find one another" Anya admitted "we would get on each other's nerves all the time, and complain about one another constantly but we were really close" Anya smiled remembering the smaller versions of themselves. "One day, i got in to a fight. The girl was bigger than me so alot bigger than Clarke. Yet when Clarke caught sight of me being hurt, she didn't care how big or how much older the girl was, she didn't care what could happen to herself. Clarke stopped caring for herself and focused on caring for me." Anya felt Lexa turn her gaze and focus on her completely. "Clarke went mental, her eyes were burning with rage because someone had hurt me. We’re family and family protect one another no matter what, no matter the situation we always stand together"

"What happened?" Lexa asked her voice back to soft. 

"Clarke got beat up along with myself, but even though she had nothing left in her, she got back up anyway" Anya grinned "It annoyed the girl to no end, that Clarke just would not stay down" Anya laughed at the memory. "You see, What Clarke was doing was keeping the focus on her instead of me" Anya admitted "I was already beaten, chocking on air, and as a kid you’re extra dramatic so you can Imagen what i was like" Anya giggled and Lexa smiled letting her own anger vanish as she listened to the story. 

"i understand you've had no family" Anya questioned not really needing a answer, and Lexa's silence answered the question. "i heard what you said to Clarke" Anya admitted. "You see, you may not be use to family but us Griffins we’re a team. Once our heart's open to you, you will always remain there"  Anya turned to Lexa once more reaching for her hand which Lexa accepted. "You may not be biologically a Griffin, but you’re apart of this family now, and no matter what you say, no matter how much you try to deny our help, it will never stop. Because you’re family."

Anya knew Lexa was already a nervous wreck, she already knew she felt uncomfortable easy and would get embarrassed at the smallest of things she was everything completely opposite to a griffin, where they radiated with confidence and loud mouths, they rarely got nervous and would make a uncomfortable situation more comfortable. So when she heard the quiet sobs and sniffles Lexa released Anya didn't turn and face her, she allowed her her moment of weakness with out being stared at, she allowed her emotions to flow willingly with out making her feel silly or uncomfortable. She allowed Lexa to feel her emotions in peace, ignoring her tears and speaking to keep the room as comfortable as possible.  Lexa needed to know that she didn't have to be alone any more, she needed to no that no matter how much she denies their help she will get it because that’s what family’s  do, they listen, hold and protect one another. 

"Clarke has one of the biggest hearts i know" Anya admitted "Dont tell her i said that though, i will never hear the end of it" Anya pleaded all while watching the light bulb firmly in it's socket surrounded by the lamp shade. "She doesn't get hurt easy though, she can take almost anything with a pinch of salt. Yet when she left this room, she was ready to cry" 

"I didn't- i never meant to hurt her" Lexa said in the most vulnerable of ways wiping at her own tears. "i was angry"

"I know" Anya breathed "Lexa, Clarke will always try to protect you no matter how much you try to turn it away, it's in her nature." Anya squeezed the brunette's hand once more. "i better check on her actually." Anya finally spoke standing to her feet, and walking to the door.

"And Lexa" Anya turned facing the brunette 

"Yes?" 

"Dont let negative and toxic people rent space in your head, raise the rent and kick them out" Anya encouraged with a smile before leaving Lexa to gather herself. 

//

Clarke had been spread out on the couch, blanket clutched up to her chin as she tried watching anything that appeared on the telly, she was failing miserably of course barely catching any words echoing from the TV as she thought about Lexa's words. She didn't want her help, she didn't need her help. The blonde had only tried to help, along with her own feeling's that struggled to stay buried. She wasn't sorry at all, not even in the slightest she would do it all over again and so would Anya, so why was she feeling guilty? Why was she feeling so hurt by words that were so full of anger? Why had she cried the second she left the room?
Lexa clearly didn't want Clarke involved in any of her business, she didn't need her protection, and she certainly didn't want Clarke near her. Maybe that's why it hurt, all the things Clarke wanted to do Lexa had rejected by snapping in her face. Lexa wanted and needed to fight her demon's alone, like she always had. Maybe that's what hurt Clarke the most, she thought Lexa was warming to the family, opening up slowly but gradually allowing the family to see her for who she was, only she hadn't at all, she still want's to be alone, she doesn't need Clarke. 

"You ok porky?" Anya questioned placing herself opposite the blonde, feeling like the therapist of the night. 

"Fine" Clarke smiled. "Did you know dog's are able to see their own farts" Clarke smiled looking back to the telly.

"sorry. why would i know that?" Anya questioned confused. Clarke only shrugged not seeming to notice the way Anya was looking at her.

"loads of fun facts on here look" Clarke gestured to the TV listening to the narrator talking about male bee’s dying after sex.

"So you’re really going to ignore this?" Anya questioned looking to the blonde.

"Ignore what?" 

"Lexa" 

"What about her?" Clarke questioned trying to act confused. "She don't want our help simple. she won't get it." Clarke spoke the words alot easier than it felt it would be. 

"Clarke" Anya breathed "I know you, you dont cry easy you take everything on the chin" 

"i was just angry" Clarke lied. 

"Porky"

"Anya, please i don't want to talk about it no more" Clarke spoke sternly gripping the remote, and Anya just nodded, before watching the terrible show on telly. 
"Clarke"

"Yes?"

"Make sure you clean your teeth again before bed, i don't want to be bringing the toilet roll to the bedroom for morning" Anya grinned lightening the atmosphere.

"Shut up!" Clarke barked throwing the remote at Anya. 

//

That night only got worse for Clarke, she chose to ignore Lexa's gaze when she entered the bedroom. She quickly found her own bed and stumbled in it with Anya before quickly facing the wall. Every night both girl's had slept with one another, holding one another until both of them fell asleep rather quickly. Only now Clarke had took a step back, if Lexa didn't want Clarke's help then she would hold back, she would allow lexa to face her demons alone, that and Lexa had knocked her back taking every believe away that Lexa had indeed felt anything back. Clarke's feeling's for Lexa were not reciprocated in the same way, Clarke had to detach herself from the comfortable cuddles and kisses she had grown to crave every hour of every day. The hardest part wasn't struggling to fall asleep like Clarke had thought. The hardest part was waking up at some point through the night hearing Lexa shift in her bed, hearing her pant for breath, but Clarke didn't turn around, she didn't climb over Anya and sooth Lexa like she always had. She gripped the pillow beneath her head tighter feeling her hand ache in the process as she heard Lexa shoot up out of breath heaving the words 'no'
She hated herself for not moving, for not turning around and comforting the brunette, she hated that her cousin was a heavy Sleeper and didn't do it either, She hated that Lexa was going through the fear in the dark alone. Yet Clarke remained still Clutching her pillow and her eyes closed tightly, stopping the tears that desperately wanted to fall. 
After that Clarke couldn't sleep, she was on alert through the night listening to any sign of Lexa, in a way making sure she was ok with out actually asking her or turning around. 

The tension was still just as thick the next morning when they got ready for school, Clarke could feel Lexa's eyes on her but the blonde didn't look, the blonde knew if she did she would melt, she would feel all the warm fuzzy numb feeling's Lexa always made her feel from just her eyes, making her forget all her train of thought and only see and feel Lexa. Lexa was now dangerous to her, because she was vulnerable where Lexa was concerned that had been proven last night as Lexa made her cry from some simple angry word's, that Clarke would barely even blink at before. 
Anya looked between the girls in the kitchen, the silence was deafening. Lexa caught Anya's gaze with worried eye's and nodded in Clarke's direction. Lexa followed, looking to Clarke and taking a deep breath. 

"Clarke." Lexa said softly breaking the silence "Last night- Im sorry" Lexa mumbled fiddling with her finger's and if Clarke would have looked up and noticed Lexa's eye's threading with regret and sadness, she would have knew Lexa meant the word from the bottom of her heart, she had accepted she was in the wrong. 

"You have nothing to be sorry for" Clarke smiled shoving things in her bag never stopping once. "Costia pick's you up right?" Clarke questioned not waiting on a answer. "See you at school" She smiled throwing her bag over her shoulder "And ill see you after" she turned to Anya pointing her finger. "bye" She waved leaving the house quickly. Lexa dropped her gaze to her hands resting on the kitchen counter. 

"You tried" Anya soothed placing her hand on her back "You must have hurt her" Anya admitted looking to the spot her cousin was just standing trying to make sense of the whole situation, Clarke was never touché, yet with this she took it to personal. Anya had said alot more angrier and aggressive thing's to the blonde, yet Clarke would brush it under the rug forgetting about it almost as quickly as Anya had said it. 

"i better go" Lexa mumbled.

"Isn't Costia picking you up?" 

"Not today" Lexa smiled sadly leaving the house ready for her walk to school. 

---

Lexa always seemed to think life could only get better if music was anything to go by, and it was doing just that. She was smiling again with pure real happiness, she had a family at home that cared for her, who would sit around a dinner table almost every afternoon sharing their stories of there separate event's of the day. Admittedly Lexa was more of a listener than a talker but she enjoyed the family experience, the family banter and laughs. Everything was going great until Lexa Snapped at Clarke. 
Clarke had avoided her for the past three days as much as possible, at school when ever she would pass her in the hall Clarke would dig deeper in to a conversation with who ever she was with only flashing a quick smile in Lexa's direction. When break time came Clarke's friends seemed to sit with Lexa also now classing her as a new found addition to the small family they had, only Clarke barely was there. Raven had said she was in the Library studying on some days. On other days Lexa tried not to notice how Fin was missing too, she tried not thinking about where they were, and what they were doing as she pulled at the grass laying beneath her. 
When it came to going home, Clarke would be home for less than minutes before getting changed and going out to 'meet her friends' Lexa had edged in a conversation about Clarke at school with her friends digging around to find out what they had been doing, only to find out they were at home and Clarke wasn't with them, which only made Lexa's mind wonder more. She missed Clarke, she missed the way her soft voice would comfort her, how she would just care for Lexa in every way no matter the situation, she always did everything with care to make sure Lexa was still ok. When Lexa would wake up each night drenched in sweat, she would turn to face Clarke's bed hoping Clarke would wake up, or move but she never did. Lexa felt like she was hurting, aching for Clarke to just go back to how they were. 
Her book had become her savour through the night when she would wake from a nightmare, she would write her thought's  and her feelings down before burying it back under her pillow safely. Lexa didn't fail to notice the mention of Clarke's name repeatedly in her book.

Anya's time at the Griffin house hold was nearing a end with only two days left to go. Lexa was dreading it, Lexa had found a friend in Anya as she held the same feeling she got from Clarke, the warm light happy atmosphere that always surrounded her. Thankfully Anya would be moving back in to town within the following weeks as she transferred University, wanting to be closer to her parents and the rest of her family. 

"So excited for tomorrow" Raven grinned "I Love Halloween" Raven clapped her hands together in excitement. While all the group rolled their eyes at how childish the brunette had become. Lexa wasn't listening. She was to focused on the blonde that had joined them today, she looked tired and exhausted like she hadn't slept just as much as Lexa, only Lexa had grown use to her sleeping routine for years, so it didn't show to much. Lexa continued to stare at the blonde who never once looked at Lexa, it hurt every time her eyes jumped past her and skipped to the people beside her, while lexa pulled at the grass ripping it from the roots nervously beside her. 

"Who are you going with?" Raven questioned looking to Lexa 

"Oh. Um. Well i was going with Clarke" Lexa said more nervously as that had originally been the plan, Clarke wanted to show her all the fun mini games she remembered the blonde's face light up when she spoke about it, she remembered Clarke clutching tightly to her hand as they strode through the shopping centre in hunt for a conversation. She remembered the way Clarke almost become speechless at her in her costume, and it made Lexa more nervous. Yet now Clarke didn't look at her at all. Only if Lexa hadn't become so shy and nervous making that statement she would have seen Clarke's eyes finally fall on her with a small smile tugging the corner of her lips. 

"You can come with me" Costia grinned hooking her arm through Lexa's gripping it against her own. Lexa looked to her nervously with a small smile on her Lips. She was grateful for her best friend who always was there to fall back on, who would always make sure she wasn't somewhere on her own, but it wasn't the person she wanted to go to the small carnival with. 

"No. It's ok. She's coming with me" Clarke finally spoke making Lexa snap her head back to Clarke, and finally for the first time in three days Green met with Blue and lexa felt her first genuine small smile appear for the first time in three days, and her finger's began to tingle all over again, bringing her body back to life.
Maybe this could change things back Lexa hoped. 
//

"Don't forget class, it's first come first serve there are only so many spots" Niylah announced standing in front of the white board. "You do have to pay for your own flights and your parents will need to sign this letter" she held out the letter in her hands showing the class before placing them on the edge of her own desk. "it will be a experience of a life time" Niylah admitted "So if you want to do something incredible, something that will make you feel proud of yourself, and to help the young children in Thailand that have suffered in the terrible tsunami, then grab a letter from my desk before you leave, and get it signed as soon as possible, the trip is scheduled in January just after Christmas."

"Are you interested" Costia whispered across her desk to Lexa who was biting her inner lip in thought. 

"Maybe" Lexa smiled. She was considering it, infact from the moment Niylah had announced it she had tuned out the rest of the class, hearing all the terrible thing's that had happened. She also knew she needed permission from Abby and Jake first. That made her nervous, she didn't want to ask any more of the two griffins they had already done more than enough for Lexa, and she would be forever in their debt. Yet the more she listened about the current position the place was in, showing picture's of there destroyed home's it drew her in. She wanted to do something better with her life, something that would be of help to someone else, like Jake and Abby had been to her, weather it's hand out water or help Clean wreckage, she just wanted to do something worth doing for the first time in her life. Abby and Jake had gave her her second chance in life and she didn't want to take that for granted.

"Im signing up" Costia admitted "Three week's don't sound long enough" Costia admitted studying the photo's showing on the screen. Everything was ruined, the work would take year's to rebuild. "it's awful" Costia mumbled still focused on the screen at the front of the class. Lexa looked at Costia lost in all the image's flashing on the screen and her smile grew a little, maybe this was why Costia was her best friend, she is just so caring and always wanted to help. Lexa admittedly had heard of Costia's reputation at this school, Queen B, the girl who loved herself and was spoilt rotten. Only she wasn't in the time Lexa had spent with Costia all she had felt was warmth from the girl, Costia may have had all the money she needed, but her family were never home, her parent's hardly cared so her and Lincoln grew up bringing one enough up. Costia was like Lexa in away, the only difference being Lexa was placed in care with no where to go, Costia's parent's had kept the two sibling's yet paid no real love or attention to them. 

"Me too" Lexa smiled. She just needed to ask Abby first. 

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