Lost And Insecure!

Lost And Insecure!

Seventeen years and Clarke had never woken up in the morning feeling light, fresh and happy. Clarke was anything but a morning person, she preferred to sleep her weekends away only waking up in the afternoon to get ready and go out. Yet today it was different, extremely different. As her eye's flickered open in to the darkened room she immediately caught sight of the beautiful girl cuddled up to her sleeping peacefully, and Clarke smiled. She wasn't sure how long she had been sitting there smiling at Lexa's sleeping features, but she could feel her jaw and cheek's ache, she could feel the giddiness that seemed to flow through her body when ever Lexa was near or holding her. She had never felt more happy and safe in someone's arms before. 
Lexa had always woken up before Clarke and had normally already made her way downstairs for breakfast, or got showered and changed before the blonde could even shift in bed, but today Clarke thanked all the heaven's and all the God's that she got to wake up to this. Lexa's hand wrapped firmly around Clarke's top as if her grip never loosened even when she slept, her long brown lock's sprawled across the pillow, with lips slightly parted as she breathed softly, with every exhale the cold air would hit Clarke's neck, that alone sent goose bumps all down the blondes body. 
Clarke felt Lexa had a hold of her somehow, a hold that kept pulling her closer and closer, and the closer she got the more she struggled to push her thoughts, and feelings away. She enjoyed kissing Lexa, she enjoyed touching Lexa, she took pleasure and pride in making the brunette smile, she didn't care if the brunette was laughing at her, or along with her as long as Lexa smiled it made Clarke's heart warm. 
It took every ounce of self-restraint for the blonde to not move her hand and touch Lexa, to slide her fingers through Lexa's long brown lock's, or to glide her thumb over her cheek, even glide her finger over them dry parted lips. As much as she wanted to feel Lexa under her finger tips she didn't want to wake her but she also knew she needed to get up and move back to her own bed before Anya woke up with a million and one questions.
Clarke started to slowly try and shift out of the bed without waking Lexa, but the more she moved the tighter Lexa tightened her fist around the blondes top.
"Where are you going?" Lexa whispered with wide eyes as if she was never asleep. Only when Clarke caught green eye's with her own she could see the panic and worry suffice, she looked small and timid once more, and Clarke hated herself for trying to move in the first place.

"Morning" Clarke whispered with the sweetest smile in hope to rid the panic the brunette now holds. When Lexa didn't respond only watching Clarke with timid eye's while her hand never loosening her grip on the blonde's top Clarke decided to try again with something that works when she had nightmare's. She raised her hand to Lexa's and wrapped it tightly around gliding her thumb back and forth as she stares into her gorgeous green eyes. 

"You're beautiful when you sleep" Clarke whispered. It was a confession that held nothing but the truth, a confession that revealed exactly what Clarke had been doing for the last twenty minutes, it was a confession Clarke wasn't afraid to admit. Green eye's softened and Lexa grip loosened but remained still holding on.

"Where were you going?" Lexa repeated shyer. Her eyes scanned Clarke's still needing to know the answer, and Clarke could have melted at how soft and timid Lexa looked, she wanted to wrap her up and never let go. 

"Anya will wake soon" Clarke admitted looking over to the dark blonde still snoring loudly. "I was just getting back in my own bed, before she woke" Clarke's hand moved from Lexa's and started guiding her thump across the brunette's cheek as the remaining of her finger's pushed into Lexa's hair slightly. 

"Ok" Lexa whispered her body relaxing, hand unclasping and eye's softening. Clarke watched the relieve flow through Lexa only realising how tense She had become when she finally relaxed, and it made Clarke's heart tighten, and she wasn't sure if it was in a good way. 
They remained silent for a few moments just looking at one another while Clarke touched Lexa soothingly in one way or another.

"i should move before she wake's up" Clarke whispered once more waiting on Lexa to allow her easy access to move before she made any movement, it took all Clarke's willpower to pull back the quilt cover and slide her body out of bed, all while Lexa's eyes were watching every movement with disappointment, but understanding. Then just like that Clarke was laying beside someone else in her own bed feeling as if she was bare and cold. Unable to sleep because the girl she wanted to be sleeping with was now in a separate bed.

--

Clarke would happily admit that waiting for Anya to wake up felt like the longest wait of her life, but finally, Anya was slowly beginning to stir slapping her lips together as she yawned. 

"Porky" Anya spoke without opening her eyes "I need food. Make me food" She groaned burying herself deeper into the pillow facing Clarke. 

"Make your own food" Clarke rolled her eyes at her sleepy cousin, Anya had Clarke written all over her in the mornings. "You'r-" 

"Shush" Anya huffed covering Clarke's mouth quickly. "Your breath is disgusting" She announced less than subtle as she turned her face in disgust, needing fresh air. "What do you clean your bloody teeth with, the toilet brush?" Anya questioned turning her body completely in the direction of Lexa's bed. "Morning Lex" Anya grumbled quickly before closing her eyes once more. 

"My breath does not stink" Clarke announced feeling the embarrassment rise in her cheeks. Well, she hoped it didn't, she spoke to Lexa this morning. 

"are you kidding me?" Anya grunted "I Wasn't sure if I should offer you a mint or some toilet paper" Anya voices in disgust. “Go clean your teeth, you tramp."

The blonde just gawked at Anya for a moment, hating her cousin more with every second she seemed to embarrass her in front of Lexa. Clarke quickly took a quick glance at the brunette in the opposite bed and she had the biggest grin, almost as if she was suppressing a giggle as Clarke and Anya's exchange of words. 

"My breath does not smell" She objected. This time mainly only to Lexa.

"does" Anya interrupted. "Save your self Lexa, she has death breath" Lexa unable to suppress her giggle any more, tried covering her mouth with the quilt, but despite Clarke's embarrassment, she loved seeing it, she loved being able to look at Lexa in bed giggling at something that Clarke did, or something Anya was clearly lying about, Lexa would have said something surely or at least pulled a face when Clarke spoke to her this morning. Wouldn't she?

With a hard shove using her hand's and feet Clarke pushed Anya off the bed and on to the ground with a thud hitting the floor and dragging the quilt with her. 

"Clarke!!" She screeched "I could have broken something?"

"Did you?" Clarke questioned tugging the quilt away from Anya and back to her bed and herself with a shit-eating grin. 

"No"

"Maybe next time" Clarke whined but hopeful in her next attempt. "Find your own bed" Clarke smiled proudly, watching Anya groan on the floor never stopping once until she made it to her feet. 

"Was getting up anyway" Anya shrugged as she headed out the bedroom. "Not over porky" She warned pointedly before disappearing from the bedroom. Immediately the blonde snuggled down in her bed turning to Lexa smiling beautifully. 

 --


Sunday afternoon and the girls were getting a little restless in the house with nothing to do, other than Lexa that is. The brunette was being entertained of every minute of the day just watching Clarke and Anya's encounters with one another and their exchanges of conversations. Lexa had noticed Anya brought out her immature childish side and Lexa was finding it hilarious so therefore had a smile on her face through out the day. When Anya reached breaking point wanting to do something to make up her day, she had decided to nick a few numbers off Clarke's phone sending them a text saying 'i hid the body now what!?'
They had sat there for a few moments watching Anya's phone light up with reply's from Bellamy, Raven, Octavia, and Jasper.
And Clarke had told her to read them out, much to Anya's disappointment when their responses were boring other than Raven and Jasper's which Ended up in a conversation.


Anya: I hid the body now what?!

Jasper : Wtf? Who is this? 

Anya: Sorry dude wrong number. 

Jasper: I'm calling the police. 

Anya: dude I just killed someone, now you're telling me you're going to rat me out? I'll kill you too!" 

Lexa was suppressing her giggle's to the best of her ability, which was proving difficult at how silly the Griffin girls could be together, but extremely entertaining none the less. 

"This Raven chick's reply is my favourite" Anya admitted scrolling through her phone with a smirk on her lips. 

Anya: I hid the body now what?

Raven: I hope you bought a disposable phone with Cash or you’re screwed! If so Burn it Bag it Sink it! 

Anya: My bad wrong number.

Raven: Advice for the future ;)

The girls erupted in laughed, not surprised in the slightest that Raven would go along with it. Raven and Anya were rather alike, especially in Clarke's eye's as Raven was one of her best friends they were always up for a giggle, and can get sometime's a little too crazy. Yet both girl's had never had the opportunity to meet yet, hell Hardly any of Clarke's friend's had met Anya as Anya had been in a different town at College and found it difficult to visit over the recent year's, but despite her being friend's with them for many years there path's had never crossed. That's when Anya thought of an idea, an idea to get out the house and finally meet everyone properly although she knew of them. A night out to the cinema then to get some ice cream or something. Anya wasn't fussed as long as she was out. Clarke had thought it was a good idea originally, she would get to spend some time with her friend's cousin and Anya, but mainly Lexa had agreed she would come too, Clarke had even got a little excited getting ready, that was until Lexa has asked if she could ask Costia if she could join them? 
Clarke felt to scream No! She desperately wanted to tell her not a chance in hell, but she couldn't bring herself to deny that to Lexa. Besides it wasn't new hanging around with Costia, in fact Costia was with Clarke's group quite a lot at school before Lexa came along.

What started with excitement became confusion and disappointment as everyone started arriving at the griffin house filling out the kitchen stood, Bellamy, Fin, Jasper, Raven, Roan, Octavia. Then there was Lexa and Costia in the far corner standing in deep  conversation, with a smile on the brunette's lips that only made Clarke's heart scream. 
She desperately wanted to kick Costia out the house, it was enough seeing them interact at school so closely but now in her own home. 

"Ready?" Raven questioned jumping off the kitchen counter as Clarke approached. 

"Ready!" Clarke confirmed. "Who's riding with who we got three Cars" 

"Octavia, Bellamy and Roan are with me" Raven pointed out. 

"Ok well I've got Anya, Fin and Lexa" Clarke also pointed out. 

"Actually Lexa can ride with me Clarke, if that's ok" Costia interrupted stepping forward more into the group with Lexa smiling innocently.

Of course, that's not ok, there was nothing ok about this organisation, Lexa should be sitting with her, not with Costia. 

"That's fine" Clarke muttered quickly turning her back not wanting to show any sign of any annoyance, anger or jealousy.  "ok so we're all going to park in the dropship Car park, then walk along the lake get of at the bridge and head in to the cinema ok" Clarke clarified making sure everyone knew where to meet. 

"Move out" Raven ordered. With a commanding grin. 

Everyone headed towards their Cars parting ways and Clarke risked it, she looked over her shoulder and caught Lexa just about to enter Costia's White mini Range Rover. Lexa caught her eyes and smiled softly at the blonde giving a small wave, everything about Lexa was innocent and oblivious. The smiled threaded on her lips was so genuine, unaware of how Clarke truly felt about Lexa with Costia, the girl who clearly had heart eyes for Lexa, but of course Lexa was oblivious to that too. Clarke waved back plastering a fake smile on her frowning features, trying everything to push the thoughts out of her mind.

She placed herself in the driver seat pulling out her drive following the others while Anya eyed her carefully. 

"What's up?" Anya questioned noticing a difference in her cousin. 

"Nothing" Clarke smiled "Just cold" Clarke lied.  Anya didn't by it. 

Clarke pushed every image in her mind of Lexa kissing her, Cuddling her, Laying in her bed fast asleep, her smile, her giggle. Everything was Lexa, Costia didn't get to do any of this, if anything Costia only kissed Lexa because of a dare, nothing more. Clarke tried clinging to that, hoping praying she hadn't imagined everything she thought her and Lexa was going through was in her mind and Lexa wasn't just going along with it. No matter how hard she tried to reassure herself, it didn't work it all came down to the simple fact Clarke and Lexa hadn't spoken and Lexa was indeed single and Lexa wanted to share a car more with Costia.

----

 "You looked really good the other day" Costia admitted pulling up in the parking lot before turning her engine off. "Lara Croft suits you" 

"Clarke chose it" Lexa smiled nervously "i don't feel comfortable in it" 

"You should" Costia admitted leaning over and taking Lexa's hand in her own. "Beauty radiates off you" Costia squeezed the brunette's hand gently loving how Lexa reacts every time she receive's a compliment, much like the first time a jittery mess as Costia would explain it, only a more relaxed jittery mess from the very first time they met and Costia couldn't be more proud. 

"What are you going as?" Lexa questioned changing the subject, and costia couldn't hold back a little laugh allowing the topic to change.

"Im thinking a superwoman, instead of Superman" Costia grinned "There is some sexy superwoman outfits I've got my eye on" Costia flashed a wink cheekily before watching the remaining of the cars pull up in front of her. 

"Clarke's going as wonder woman" Lexa's lips formed a smile on their own thinking of Clarke in her outfit. She was definitely   wonderful. "We chose each others outfits" 

"Well... Clarke has extremely good taste" Costia winked watching Lexa blush before releasing a giggle herself. "You are getting better with compliments. Slowly. But getting there" Costia grinned stroking her thumb back and forth against Lexa's hand. 

"Can i ask you something?" Costia questioned her smile fading to a smaller once, more shy and questioning. 

"Of course" Lexa smiled looking to their held hands before back to Costia. "You never have to ask" 

"The thing is-"  The sound of a car Horn honking in front of them made both girl's jump in their seats. Lexa and Costia quickly looked out the window to see all their friends standing and leaning against their Cars waiting for the two girls to hurry up. 

---

"Sexual tension" Anya smirked eyeing the Range Rover. 

"What?" Clarke questioned trying to ignore her cousins remark about her not so much of a girlfriend and the girl who clearly wanted her. 

"Lex and Costia over there" Anya nudged as if Clarke hadn't caught sight yet. Oh she caught sight, from the second the blonde pulled up she struggled to look away for what felt like a lifetime as she watched Lexa smile and laugh with Costia, she watched Costia lean closer and wink, she watched Costia flick her hair and Lexa was buying it all. That's when Clarke looked away, she looked away out of fear, fear that she might not be able to control her outburst she desperately wanted to have with Costia. 
Only Clarke had no right, and Costia had done no wrong. 

"They’re friends" Clarke growled trying to focus anywhere but on Lexa. 

"Griff! Check out Lexa and costia" Raven announced walking over to the blonde. 

"That's what i just said" Anya chipped in 

"Anya right?" Raven questioned "Raven." 

"Ah yes. The burn it and sink it crazy chick?" Anya raised her brows with a smirk. "I'm not sure if I should keep my distance, or befriend you already" 

"so that was you" Raven pointed "Although I would advise the befriend option" Raven grinned with an evil glimmer in her eye.

"Sassie one you are" Anya grinned "I like. Befriend it is" Anya held her hand out to raven

"Wise choice" Raven smiled taking Anya's hand in her own, not expecting to be quickly pulled forward pushed up against the dark blonde. 

"You are extremely attractive" Anya admitted eyeing the latina.

"Ew." Clarke interrupted watching her cousin hitting on one of her best friend's. "Get your lesbian hand's of her she is as straight as a ruler" Clarke announced with a look of disgust at the thought of Anya and Raven. Ew

"Why are they taking so long" Clarke huffed quickly moving her eyes back to the main source that coated her mind. "Fuck it" Clarke mumbled opening her car door after watching Lexa smiling at Costia once more. She honked her horn twice startling the girls. 

----

From the moment Lexa and Costia got out the car, Clarke just wanted to drive back home. This was Anya's stupid fault, she thought of the stupid idea to meet all the friend's and to go to the cinema. Yet here she was walking along the river heading toward's the cinema with Lexa only a few feet in front of her holding Costia's hand. Costia had almost grabbed it the moment the brunette exited the car, and Clarke noticed she welcomed it, possibly expecting it already. It was in that moment Clarke decided maybe Lexa wasn't feeling the same things she does, maybe Lexa liked intimacy not just from her. It was in that moment Clarke knew she needed to let her anger go, let the jealousy disappear as long as Lexa was smiling that was good enough for her, and Lexa was smiling. Clarke looked out to the lake, the sun still reflecting beautifully on the water with people to her right still walking along the field, some playing football, some just sitting in small group's. 

"Hi" Fin smiled standing beside Clarke.

"Hi" Clarke replied. 

"It's getting cold" Fin smiled rubbing his hands together. 

"Well it is late October" 

"I know that" Fin rolled his eyes playfully. "How are you?" He questioned "we haven't really spoken much"

"I'm good" Clarke lied. She was anything but good. "I thought you might need some time, I didn't want you to feel like I was too in your face" Clarke admitted still caring for Fin deeply, and she always will.

"You could never be too much in my face" Fin admitted hugging his coat around "I miss you" 

"I miss you two" Clarke admitted knowing it wasn't in the same way fin missed her. 

"I know you don't want to be with me anymore but Clarke, I don't know how long it will take me to move past this, hell if I even can, but I want you to be happy you deserve it, and I never want you to feel awkward around me or keep your distance from me. I love you and I always will no matter what form it is"

"im sorry" Clarke mumbled "and thank you" Clarke finally breathed looking up at the dark haired boy. "Don't ever change" Clarke ordered but pleaded at the same time. Fin maybe not what she want's in life, but someone out there deserves Finn Collins love and Fin deserve's there love right back, anyone would think there was something wrong with the blonde as Fin was a really good one. 

Lexa and Clarke had barely spoken that night, they sat two seat's away from one another in the cinema Clarke next to Fin and Fin next to Costia, and of course Lexa by Costia's side. The blonde was grateful Fin was by her side she was feeling sorry for herself unable to think of the movie, only thinking of how she would now go about this, how she would ignore her forever building feelings for Lexa who clearly didn't feel anything she thought back. She felt like some part of her had gained a hole, and it had become empty at watching Costia and Lexa interact with one another, they were closer than she ever thought, and Lexa seemed most confident when she was around, as Clarke's heart ached Lexa smiled, as Clarke stomach turned in the worst way, Lexa laughed. The night went on like this till they were walking back down the river to their Car's although Clarke felt like Lexa was doing everything to push her button's on purpose she knew she wasn't she was oblivious to everything Clarke felt as she hid it with a smile, whenever Lexa would smile at her nervously giving her a small wave with a cheeky smile whenever she would turn around Clarke would put her best fake happy smile on and wave back, wishing Lexa wasn't so oblivious to emotions. 

A firework went off in the darkened night sky and the group all stopped to look up at the beautifully decorated sky. 

"A little early isn't it?" Anya questioned tugging her hat more firmly over her head. 

"week and a half till bonfire night" Costia informed for anyone who didn't know. 

The group stood huddled closely together watching the small display someone was putting on a little early, a small group playing around with a ball in the distance, while some dog walker's passed with their barking scared dogs. 
Lexa stepped further on to the field her gaze never leaving the beautiful night sky, watching the pretty pattern's burst into life in the sky and Clarke watched in awe, eyeing her carefully before stepping closer. 

"Have you ever watched fireworks before?" Clarke questioned looking at the sky herself. 

"I haven't" Lexa admitted swallowing hard before parting her lips once more, she was amazed. Struck by such beauty. "It's beautiful" Lexa admitted. 

"it is" Clarke breathed. She wanted to no everything Lexa hadn't experienced, from the small thing's to the big thing's, she wanted to show Lexa everything she should have seen as a normal child, she wanted to see Lexa light up like she was lit up right now. The silence fell amongst them as they stare at the sky Clarke allowing Lexa to have her moment. 

A ball came flying out of nowhere hitting Lexa hard in the stomach, the unexpected force took Lexa's breath away as she bent over struggling to catch her breath. The whole group quickly snapped their heads down to see what had happened Clarke already asking her if she was ok as she held her up. 

"He shoot's he Score's!!!" Came the far to familiar voice. Their head's all snapping in his direction standing with a group of boy's drinking alcohol. The anger inside Clarke bubbled instantly, she wasn't sure if to release Lexa and kill him, or remain holding Lexa and let him have her wrath of the angry words Anya and Costia quickly were by her side two.

"Pass the ball back dyke" Murphy spat stepping closer "Not a bad shot ay guy's" he grinned looking proud of himself while looking discussed at Lexa bend over curled up chocking for air. 

"You little" Clarke spat gritting her teeth unable to hold it in as she turned on her heel instantly being stopped by Bellamy holding her back. Anya followed suit the anger rippled through her body instantly the second Lexa curled up. This was her family. Nobody hurt's her family. 
Much like Clarke Anya took a few steps forward rather quickly and harshly, having Fin hold her back two. 

"he is not worth it" Fin tried to Calm both Griffin's trying to push past their anger but they were unable to listen to anything. 

"Control your woman" Murphy laughed. Watching Clarke trying to push and shove past Bellamy. 

That one small comment was enough to tip Anya over the edge, pushing past Fin with little but no struggle at all as she lunged at Murphy hitting him hard, feeling the crack of his nose against her knuckle's, the blood fell out his nose as his head cracked to the side quickly, sending him tumbling back from the force while losing his footing and falling to the floor. 

"You piece of shit" Anya growled not quite done with the boy yet as she stepped over him gripping his hair-raising his head from the group before hitting him again letting his head drop back to the ground. Blood coating his face as he whined in pain from his nose, but still, Anya wasn't done. 
"Pass me that goddam ball" Anya ordered firmly, her voice raised as she turned back to the group waiting for them to give her it. Raven threw her it hesitantly, and Anya turned back instantly to the boy on the ground. 
"Think it's funny do you?" She questioned. "Laugh now" She demanded Placing the ball on the ground booting it as hard as she could at the boy on the ground hitting his chest. 
Clarke finally managed to get past Bellamy as he was watching Anya distracting him enough to finally push past, she stood right beside her cousin who was heaving angrily. 

"Who is this?" Anya questioned her voice not any less angry. 

"Murphy." Clarke admitted "He bullied Lexa at school" Clarke grit her teeth, turning back to see Lexa in the distance now to her feet but clutching her stomach where the ball had hit her. Her teeth grit harder as she crouched down to Murphy. 

"i warned you" Clarke bit gripping his bloodied chin in her hand. "You think a broken nose is the worst of it?" Clarke laughed. "Consider yourself ruined" Clarke growled pushing his head back roughly as he groaned in pain. She stood to her feet ready to turn around, only needing to release something, anything at the boy who hurt Lexa once more. She turned back pulling her leg back and releasing a full force kick to his manhood. He screamed out in agony, and Clarke still didn't consider it was enough, nor Anya for that matter, but they turned leaving the boy there on the ground to head back to Lexa. 

"Are you ok?" Clarke questioned her tone rushed and worried as she clutched Lexa's cheek in her palm, the change of her mood was almost immediate from anger to soft and worrying. The softness Clarke felt in her stomach the moment her eye's met Green her heart melted like it always did. 

"I just want to go home" Lexa spoke more firm than ever quickly bowing her head dropping their gaze. She was embarrassed, embarrassed in front of everyone again because she was Murphy's target. The boy who managed to make her feel like she was exactly what most people thought of her. Nothing. 
Lexa turned on her feet heading toward's the cars as quickly as she could. 

The group had followed mainly in silence, still shocked at the scene that had just unfolded. Anya kicked arse and had a heck of a punch on her, the whole group was thinking it but no one said it, Anya and Clarke both sat in the front of Clarke's car worried and angry at the same time, they wanted to just get home as quickly as possible to check on Lexa without everyone's eye's on them.

"Thank you" Clarke finally spoke as she pulled up in the drive to their home . 

"For what?" Anya questioned unbuckling her seat belt. 

"Defending her" Clarke spoke allowing the sad tone to ring out. 

"She is family" Anya replied as if it was a fact. "I want to beat him all over again" 

——-

Lexa had beaten Anya and Clarke home as Costia had dropped her off immediately, while Clarke had to drop her friends of first. She wanted a shower, she needed a shower to rid herself of the night, as she stripped down to nothing she looked at herself in the bathroom mirror. Her eyes were saddened and the smile she had worn on her face all day had been swiped Clean removing any sign of it ever being there. This was Lexa's reality. The sad lonely foster child with weird Clothes who couldn't fend for herself when she was being bullied. She thought it was different here, she thought she was beginning to fit in and make more friends than just one. Hell, she was smiling more than she had ever in her entire life, but she felt Murphy had quite literally kicked her back to reality. That was a dream. 
Lexa woods will always be the girl in the bathroom on her own, looking in the mirror in disgust. She will always be the easy target for the hundreds of bullies that were out there. Lexa wood's needed her wall back, as her tears fell with the hurt, and the pain she just wished she could be normal. 
Lexa woods is and will always be nothing more than damaged goods. 
She showered her tears away waiting for them to finish falling before stepping out and putting her pyjamas on. 
she opened the bathroom door with her eyes to the ground.