Lost And Insecure!

Lost And Insecure!

Seconds, that's all it took for Anya to settle in dropping her bag by the stairs, coat slung over the couch and shoes kicked of by the door before making her way in to the kitchen rummaging threw the fridge till she find's what she want's. Clarke could only watch and roll her eye's at the strawberry blonde as she placed herself on the kitchen stall watching Anya wrap her lip's around a carton of Orange juice before jumping up on the kitchen counter. 

"so" Anya announced finally satisfied and ready to speak. "What's up with that?" she questioned tilting her lips. 

"What?" Clarke questioned confused. 

"That" Anya circled her finger in mid-air at Clarke "Your face" 

"What's wrong with it?" Clarke furrowed her brow's in confusion while touching at her own face. 

"i kinda want to slap it" Anya admitted.

"lovely as ever i see" 

"So can i slap it?" Anya questioned eagerly. 

"No Anya. You can not slap my face." 

"Bummer" Anya signed "So what's up you miserable git?" 

"Nothing's up, why would you think there's something up?" Clarke questioned instantly trying to make herself look ok with her back straight and frown straightening out. 

"Seriously. Do you want that slap we were just talking about?" 

"Anya!" 

"Clarke?" 

"Seriously!" 

"I Am being serious" 

"Your impossible" 

"I'll take that as a compliment" 

"It's not" Clarke huffed

"To late, compliment accepted." Anya grinned proudly watching her cousin slouch back on the chair again with a mighty huff "Relax porky im playing with you, always so serious"

"Please don't call me that" Clarke whined 

"What? Porky?" Anya laughed "Yeh good luck with that one my lovely" 

"I hate it" Clarke huffed once more at her annoying cousin. "You came here just to annoy me?" 

"it's what i live for" Anya winked teasingly as Clarke just shake's her head. "Any who! As much as i am enjoying winding you up, and like seriously i really enjoy that, like really"

"Anya."

"Ok. Ok. What's actually up?" The tone changing completely in her voice as she move's herself to sit by Clarke. 

"What make's you think there's something wrong?" 

"Porky" Anya say's softly pushing Clarke's fallen hair out of her face, her tone more soft and sincere "Your eye's are your weakness, they give you away" Anya admitted eyeing the blonde carefully as she looks to her hand's and back to anya, seeming to accept that answer. 

"How did you know you was in to girl's?" Clarke questioned careful fixing her gaze back on her hand's. Anya was unable to move her gaze from the blonde shocked by the question but not showing it in the slightest. 

"I was attracted to woman more than men" Anya smiled "to be honest, i kinda just knew, i had more of a desire to kiss a girl instead of a bloke, it kind of just clicked after that. Why are you asking me that?"

The atmosphere felt heavy and thick, almost as if Clarke could suffocate Anya was barely serious but on the odd occasion she was, it was always a moment in which it was needed, a moment like right now. This could be a breaking point in Clarke's life, a discovery she hasn't yet discovered about herself that could change her life. 

"i don't feel that toward's girl's" Clarke barely spoke as she sat all shy and timid lost in her own mind that was doing nothing to help her out. Anya remained quiet waiting on Clarke to carry on, to finish what she started, the second's ticked and the minute's passed, just as Anya was ready to give up and speak once more Clarke spoke up. 

"It's just one girl" Clarke admitted "When im not with her, i think about her"

"Who is it?" Anya questioned hoping she would know of this girl. 

"That doesn't matter, please keep this between us" 

"of course" 

Clarke remained seated at the kitchen table for a few more moments while anya eyed her suspiciously, she knew there was words she should and could speak to her baby cousin, she knew she could give Clarke the gay speech about love is love who cares stop being so worried and scared, but she didn't. Anya remained quiet watching her cousin get lost in her own thoughts leaving her to figure it out for herself but holding back the urge to demand to know who this girl is, but judging by Clarke's face it wouldn't be long until she would know. 

"What's that noise?" Anya questioned after a long silence looking to the ceiling as if it was going to answer the question for her.  Clarke followed suit and looked to the ceiling hearing the music playing from upstairs. 

"oh that's lexa" Clarke said casually looking back down.

"Lexa? As in the foster kid"

"Yes" Clarke stood from her seat heading towards the fridge to get a drink. 

"i have to meet her!" Anya grinned quickly bouncing of her chair and towards the stairs. 

"Anya!" Clarke shouted trying to stop her with no luck, anya was already  near the top of the stairs. 

----

Lexa laid on the floor, eyes closed as she blocked the world out with music, music helped her think, it helped her discover more things about herself than she could ever possibly discover with no music at all. The brunette had never had music fail her in a attempt to clear her mind of any negativity, or anything in general. She would usually drift of with the beat finding her voice and her chest would tighten with every word she sang with the passion. Unfortunately with every lyric that left the speaker her mind would wonder to nothing but the blonde who had ran off from her, the blonde who dared her two push her away but couldn't. Lexa was confused, not of her sexuality as that had always been something she was sure about, but Clarke. She made her feel so light and carefree when ever she was around, she made her feel safe and secure instead of someone that had always been lost with no one but her self to turn to. Only now, there was Clarke with her beautiful blue eyes and peachy lips filling Lexa's closed eye lids and the more she denied wanting to kiss Clarke the more she thought about it. Music had kept her fighting throughout her life threw out her miserable existence, it put a end to all thought's of her taking her own life and made her cling on to it instead, helping and making her believe there is better in this world than what she had she just had to believe it would get better. Music was now failing her with Clarke, maybe Clarke was her 'better.'

"Is there a reason your laying on the floor instead of the bed?" 

Lexa immediately snapped her eyes open following the sound of the voice to meet a complete stranger staring at her with a smirk on her face leaning against the door frame. She quickly gathered herself to her feet instantly crossing her arm's across her chest tightly and just like that Lexa went from being at her most comfortable to most uncomfortable in her own room. 

"sorry" Lexa mumbled looking down as if she had done something wrong. Anya eyed the girl curiously as she watched her change from carefree to more tense than a plank of wood. 

"For what? Laying down? Dont be" Anya smiled softly trying to help the girl relax as it made her more on edge. "You’re lexa?" she questioned As she watched the brunette nod. "Im Anya" 

"Anya" Lexa repeated as if the name had clicked in her brain "Clarke's cousin?" 

"Oh good, you have heard how brilliant i am then, thought i was going to have to blow my own trumpet for a minute there" Anya laughed stepping further in the room. Lexa smiled listening to Anya's witty tone, but she still remained quiet not feeling comfortable with a stranger. 

"So do you lay on the floor alot?" Anya teased touching a few thing's resting on Clarke's bedside cabinet. 

"Just to listen to music sometimes" 

"Can't you do that on your bed?" Anya questioned with a soft smile on her lips she was teasing, not to much but enough, she didn't fail to notice how uncomfortable Lexa seemed to be. 

"I feel more grounded on the floor" Lexa admitted rapidly fiddling with the hem of her top the more she spoke. 

"I suppose that would make sense, as your on the ground" Anya giggled "I like to lay like this myself" Anya placed her back on the ground lifting her feet bending them over the bed. "try it" Anya requested. Lexa stood staring for a moment watching Anya close her eyes with ease bouncing her legs making the springs of the mattress bounce them more. Then Lexa copied beside the dark blonde.
Something about Anya made this scenario not awkward in the slightest, as they lay side by side with one another listening to the music while bouncing their legs on the mattress. Anya singing quietly to herself and Lexa to shy to sing. 

"Sorry i can't sing" Anya laughed noticing she barely stopped to catch a breath. 

"Your singing is fine" Lexa lied with the sweetest smile on her lips

"Oh lying now, i like it! Keep complementing me" She teased nudging a shoulder against Lexa's playfully. "but it feel's so good! So good!" Anya sang not phased that Lexa was watching her with a big grin on her face trying to stifle a giggle, everything about Anya reminded Lexa Of Clarke, the same confidence, the same softness and instantly Anya had put Lexa at ease with a silly suggestion of laying on the floor beside her, instantly making her forget how silly she felt for being caught on the floor. 

"I like your playlist, abit of mix and match" Anya acknowledged after listening from song to song. 

"What are you two doing?" Came a familiar voice both girls knew as they both snapped their head to a very confused Blonde. 

"Chilling" Anya shrugged looking back to the ceiling bopping her leg and Lexa cursed herself for not being able to play it cool like anya when she had asked the same question herself. 

"on the floor?" Clarke questioned

"We like feeling grounded don't we Lexa?" Anya questioned looking to the brunette who nodded in agreement but unable to stop her smile on her lips, as Anya had copied her statement. 

"Ok" Clarke replied dragging the 'K' out, not sure what else to say. "dad's home!" Clarke finally informed. Anya snapped her head up quickly 

"He is?" she questioned already on her feet excited to see her hilarious favourite uncle! 

"Front room" Clarke shouted to the dark blonde who had already  made it halfway down the hallway. 

When Clarke turned back to Lexa her smile softened in the cutest of ways as she made her way over to lay beside the brunette the same position Anya was just laying with their shoulders touching. 

"Sorry about her" Clarke apologised turning her head to face Lexa. 

"I like her" Lexa admitted "She's like you" Lexa admitted with her shy voice still intact. 

"We are nothing alike!" Clarke scoffed remembering all the crazy shit her cousin does, how on earth could lexa come to that conclusion baffled the blonde. "I'm sorry i walked off" Clarke apologised the sincerity of it evident in her tone. Lexa never tore her gaze from Clarke there eyes met after admiring one another's features and the room felt as if it was deathly silent again, a feeling Clarke had come familiar with when ever the brunette was around, the world spaced out and all she saw was Lexa. 

"Why did you walk of?" Lexa questioned feeling braver than usual having Clarke look at her that way.

"You scare me" Clarke whispered after a moment of hesitation. Clarke slid her fingers between Lexa's gripping her hand tightly and resting it between the both of them, she wasn't sure if she was ready to have this conversation yet, to confess how much she thought of Lexa, how much lexa scared her to death, how much she craved to be around her to protect and hold her. Clarke just wasn't ready to say any more just yet, so she was glad of the no response. "I won't run again" Clarke promised as she looked deep in to green. Lexa had already had to many people leave, she didn't want to be one of them no matter what they were to one another. 

Green eyes were like nothing Clarke had ever seen before, they was unique, pure , yet soft and masked at the same time. Every time Clarke looked in them she felt she learnt something new about Lexa, she felt like she discovered a new emotion and a New reaction from them, she watched the glimmer and sparkle in her eye the longer they laid looking at one another. The longer Clarke looked at them the more she could see the change Lexa had made since first meeting. She went from a nervous wreck who couldn’t hold eye contact from longer than two seconds, to focused and somehow a little more confident. She loved that more than anything, the confidence. Clarke couldn't deny the ache inside her body any longer as she slowly leaned in, painfully slow like she had before giving Lexa the opportunity to stop her in her path at any point. Clarke was taking a risk, the door was wide open and anyone could walk past and see but she didn't care, she couldn't think straight with Lexa's lips right in front of her. Clarke raised her other hand cupping Lexa's cheek bringing her deathly slow to her own lips, Clarke could only smile as there lips touched once more with Lexa willingly kissing her back, like she had been waiting for this too.

They were a cute mess on the floor with fingers entangled and tongues colliding in the best of ways. Clarke couldn’t pinpoint the moment her belly dropped out or when her body starting feeling like she had been set ablaze, but she knew she never wanted to stop the feelings errupting through her body. With every swipe of Lexa’s tongue Clarke struggled that little bit more to not toss Lexa on her back and climb on top of her, as if it wasn’t hard enough already. Lexa’s head space wasn’t any better, she felt like she was falling and god did she never want to stop. Her fingers tingled with a new sensation all together and all she could do was kiss Clarke a little bit more harder.

The moan's that left Lexa's mouth drove  Clarke crazy. Their bodies were screaming to carry on, but their minds were telling them they needed to stop, to part away, because Clarke was struggling with every body urge she ever had to not climb on top of Lexa, and kiss her harder and deeper, to push her top over her head and reveal her beautiful body. Clarke just wanted to Explore every inch of Lexa’s body but Clarke knew she couldn't do that, she couldn't scare Lexa. 

When their lips parted Clarke's eyes remained closed while lexa's eyes darted open like every other time quickly scanning Clarke's face with panic, panic that she would laugh, panic that it was a mistake, panic that it ruined everything. What Clarke didn't know was Clarke scared Lexa two. Scared that Clarke would finally see Lexa for what she is, a down and out nobody.

But Clarke never did.

///


Lexa had come to realise Anya was very loud over the dinner table as she teased her aunty and uncle. How she would tuck her legs under her bum while eating her dinner like she had no care in the world. Lexa found her fascinating and funny and as much as she was like Clarke, she also was nothing like Clarke. Anya had made her feel at ease so easily, maybe even quicker than what Clarke did, and how she spoke to Lexa was soft and caring much like Clarke also, but while sitting at the dinner table Anya was someone entirely different. 

"So where am i sleeping?" Anya questioned 

"You can have the couch, or bunk with Clarke" Jake replied. Lexa's eyes darted up quickly to Clarke who Looked at Lexa too. They both slept with one another every night, it helped lexa, comforted her and since her nightmares had gone away. 

"Come on uncle Jake! You and me both no i am not sleeping on that couch!" she smirked "I've heard the naughties you get up to with doc here!" She laughed looking to Abby and jake with a knowing look. Of course Clarke had told her cousin about catching her parents at it on the couch. 

"ok. Let's clear up" Abby quickly changed the topic rolling her eyes at her smirking husband, of course he didn't care he was a man. 

"Look's like you’re bunking with me blondie” Anya smirked "Try not to fart in your sleep this time" Anya teased biting at her chicken leg. 

"I do not fart in my sleep!" Clarke quickly objected looking to anya then to lexa, her cheeks already going bright red in embarrassment. 

"You really do...they stink of egg. It's disgusting" anya scrunched up her face as if she was going to be sick at the thought.

"I do not!" Clarke almost shouted across the table. "I do not fart in my sleep" Clarke stated looking to Lexa as if that information was only important to her. 

"Ooook!" Jake stood up laughing "Movie night kids Living room 5 Minutes, no more fart talk thank you" 

"Well i won't say any more, cant say the same about Clarke's butt thought, noisy thing that is!" Anya smirked taking one last bite of her chicken before standing up and clearing her plate.

"I do not fart in my sleep" Clarke explained to Lexa, but Lexa could only laugh while beginning to clear her own plate.

"Oh and Lexa" Abby added quickly coming back in to the room "Do you mind if i speak with you for a moment?" She questioned. Lexa instantly panicked. 

"yes, ok" Lexa stuttered while clearing her plate. did she do something wrong? Were they sending her back? She didn't want to go back. 

//

She followed Abby in to the front room, with her arms crossed over her chest like it was her shield, ready to protect her from the conversation about to be had. 

"Dont look so worried" Abby smiled genuinely "Come on take a seat" she smiled patting on the couch beside her. 

"Have i done something wrong?" Lexa questioned timidly.

"Of course not" Abby reassured. "I just wanted to see how you're getting on now that you’ve settled in more" Abby questioned placing her hand on the girls knee in reassurance. Lexa felt like she could breath again in the room, the worry slowly lifting of her shoulders and fading away. 

"i like it here" Lexa admitted with a genuine smile. "You have a lovely family" 

"Thank you" Abby smiled releasing a little giggle "Bit quirky though" Abby admitted "But lovely all the same. How is school now? Clarke said you had trouble at the beginning?" 

"i did" Lexa admitted a little embarrassed at having to admit she had been bullied. "Clarke she stopped that" Lexa felt extremely small, she couldn't even defend herself against a bully, she had someone else do her dirty work, only now discussing it out loud did she feel embarrassed. 

"She did?" Abby smiled proudly of her daughter, but not failing to notice lexa's shifty mood. "It's ok to ask for help sometimes" Abby assured "We cant do everything on our own" she squeezed Lexa's knee gently in reassurance. "I Actually have something else for you" Abby admitted standing to her feet and pulling out a card. 

"This is a bank card, sometimes  me and jake aren't always around as our job's are a little high maintenance" Abby said apologetic "Clarke has one of her own, there is a monthly limit on it of what you may spend but if you need anything clothes food ect then you use this" Abby smiled handing over the card. 

"Thank you" Lexa said shocked "But i cant take this, what you do is more than enough" Lexa pushed the card back in abby's direction. 

"Lexa" Abby said softly taking her hand in her own "You are apart of this family now, you may not be my daughter, but i will care for you like i do Clarke" She spoke softly squeezing the brunettes hand. "Clarke has one and so do you, you will both be treated no different from the other, it's not alot but it's enough to be able to go out and have fun with your friends with out needing to ask us for money"

Lexa didnt no what to say, she had never felt so shocked nor grateful in her life, no one had ever treated her as a equal in any foster home, Some barely treated her as anything at all, But here Abby Griffin was sitting in front of her telling her she is exactly that. A equal and a part of her family. She was stunned. Unable to even say or explain the thing's Abby had triggered inside her. Instead she wrapped her arms tightly around abby and gave her a cuddle. A cuddle to express her appreciation, a cuddle to express the emotion running through her body at being treated as someone, a cuddle that allowed her tear to fall willingly down her face with no wall protecting her. 

"Thank you" She mumbled in Abby's neck, and Abby knew it wasn't just the card she was saying thank you for, it was for accepting her in to her family for being herself. 

"You’re very welcome" Abby mumbled back holding the girl tightly till she was ready to let go. 

///


Everyone Gathered in the living room with Blankets and popcorn waiting on Jake to pick the movie, Clarke was  sitting by Lexa blanket thrown over them, Anya's legs threw over abby's lap ignoring the fact that's where Jake was going to sit as she threw a blanket over her auntie and herself, Lexa and Clarke just laughed at the oblivious dark blonde. 

"Are you ok?" Clarke whispered not failing to notice the tear stained eyes Lexa had when she left a conversation with her mum.

"Fine" Lexa reassured with the cutest smile. Without warning a piece of popcorn hit Clarke on the forehead just as she was about to get lost in Lexa. 

"10 Points to gryffindor" Anya cheered punching her fist in the air. 

"slytherin more like" Clarke growled throwing the popcorn back. 

"Urh No. We’re griffins mate, so it fits" 

"No. You’re a slytherin!" Clarke teased 

"Why am i slytherin?" 

"You’re more of a snake" 

"Why you littl..."

"Girls!" Jake stated firmly but playful written all over his face, he was definitely one to enjoy their banter. 

"She stated it" Clarke mumbled turning back to a giggling lexa, which just happen to make her smile instantly. "What you laughing at? You want to be a slytherin as well?" Clarke teased knowing Lexa was anything but a slytherin with her cute dorky shy ways.

"You calling me a snake?" Lexa questioned with raised brows.

"Gryffindor it is" Clarke smiled biting her lip unable to tear her eyes away even when Jake had started the movie and switched the lights of, the reflection of the telly only made Lexa's eyes more noticeable. Lexa tried focusing on the film, but with the blonde not even hiding the fact she was looking at her, lexa found it hard to focus.
"What?" Lexa mouthed silently. 

"Nothing" Clarke whispered finally turning her gaze back to the screen. It was anything but nothing. Lexa slid her fingers between Clarke's hidden under the blanket, and Clarke had the biggest shit eating grin of her life, because up until this moment Lexa had never initiated anything, until now.

The movie played to the end, and Clarke was thankful no one asked her her opinion on it as she didn't have a clue what it was called or what was happening, the only thing she could focus on was Lexa's hand and her thumb moving back and forth, she lent her weight against Lexa's side and every single tiny part of her body was on fire. Her smile had been plastered on her face throughout the whole movie she was full of giddiness and excitement and all she wanted to do was capture Lexa's lips with her own, but she couldn't. 



//


When it came to bed time, Clarke's smile was long gone as she laid side by side with her cousin while Lexa was in her own bed alone. Clarke's mind was unable to rest, unable to allow her eyelids to fall close and fall asleep like she had her whole life before lexa. Only now it was proving impossible, she couldn't see Lexa as Anya laid on the edge of the bed And Clarke against the wall so Anya's big head was in the way, and Clarke cursed her for it. She jut wanted to look, even if she couldn't touch but she couldn't even do that, so her frustration's grew the more she tossed and turned in the small bed. It wasn't nearly as comfortable as  Laying with Lexa. They just fitted between one another, where there was space Lexa would fit and their bodies just moulded naturally together. Anya was asleep, fast asleep, snoring like a pig asleep, the nick name porky would have suited her alot better, Clarke thought. 
Unable to sleep and the frustration's getting the better of her, Clarke decided to risk it as she slowly edged out of bed, slowly stepping over Anya not wanting to wake her and explain what she was doing. The second her body was firmly on the ground and in the clear she lifted  her gaze to a very cute tired looking Lexa with a smile on her face, and Clarke's heart fluttered and her belly dropped. 
Instead of Laying beside Lexa she crawled on top of her, hand's holding her up along with her knee's.

"What are you doing to me?" Clarke whispered looking down at the beautiful sleepy brunette. "I can't sleep without you" she admitted knowing her confessions could ruin things, scare lexa even, but Clarke was struggling to keep her feelings in with every flutter and stomach drop. Lexa looked up at Clarke in awe, she two could not sleep with out the blonde, and had spent the last hour staring at Anya's head wishing she was staring at Clarke. She was falling for Clarke, she knew it, so when Clarke leaned down to capture Lexa's lip's, lexa's head lifted of the pillow slightly to capture them a little quicker just as eager as the blonde. She wanted the gap closed, she wanted to feel Clarke's lips on her own, she missed them even though she had only recently experienced them. Their bodies mingled together, there tongues pushed against one another, Clarke's fingers finding Lexa's brown locks's while the air in their lungs slowly disappeared. They took less than a second to catch their breath once more as their lips parted before quickly attaching them together again. This kiss was different from the other, it wasnt a kiss where they were confirming it was ok with the other, it wasn't a kiss with Alcohol in their system, it wasn't a kiss where Clarke felt guilty for leaving and needing to feel her. It was a kiss both girls wanted equally, a kiss they both couldn't stop thinking about, a kiss that drove every inch of their bodies insane to the point Clarke had to stop herself from grinding down On lexa. It was a kiss of want and passion, and emotions. It was a kiss that continued throughout the night needing nothing more, but each others lips on one another, because what ever both of them felt, what ever both girl's were confused about, this felt right, and neither of them wanted to stop as they moaned quietly in to one another's mouth, As Clarke gently bit, and nibbled on Lexa's lip being the more confident one but not wanting to take it any further. 
They fell asleep together that night, entangled in one another, with smile's on their face's letting the confusion and the worry vanish, They just held one another even tighter.