Lost And Insecure!

Lost And Insecure!

Chapter 10

Jake griffin had always raised his daughter to be confident happy and bubbly, she was the kind of girl who would stand up and sing on karaoke in front of stranger's with the same amount of confidence as someone who could sing like a angel, she would dance around the stage carefree, ignoring the odd person making little remarks in the corner and take pleasure in all the laughs, smiles and cheers. That was Clarke Abigail Griffin.
What baffled the blonde more was, she could act silly in front of hundreds and not feel nervous in the slightest, yet the thought of knocking on the bathroom door with Lexa behind it made her petrified. She didn't know why, she only came to check to see if she was ok didn't she?
Clarke wasn't sure how long she had been standing outside the bathroom going through scenario's or thing's at what to say. 
'

Hi just thought id check on you'  Nope. 'i just needed the loo'  Nope.
'Didn't no you was up here?"  Definitely not. 'I just wanted to be near you'  Not a chance in hell! 

Clarke knew she could have stood there all-day trying to think of something to say, but she knew none would be right, she should have just waited downstairs for Lexa, only now it was to late to turn back around so she took a breath and knocked once before entering ignoring the racing of her heart and her sweaty palm's telling her to just turn back around and go down stairs.

"Lexa" Clarke said upon entering, warning the girl in case she wasn't decent only when Clarke entered Lexa wasn't on the toilet she was leaning against the sink hand gripping both side's while looking in the mirror. "Hey..You ok?" Clarke asked concerned seeing the girl's reflection in the mirror.  

"Hi" Lexa replied softly looking to Clarke's reflection "Just a little dizzy" The brunette admitted with a dorky smile. Clarke took a few step's forward standing behind Lexa seeing both there reflection's in the mirror. 

"Good job i came to check on you then ay?" Clarke teased with a smirk on her face. "Look's like someone's turning in to a right alcoholic" Clarke joked releasing a small giggle.

"Hardly, I've had three" Lexa rolled her eye's and Clarke released a small giggle as the brunette turned around stumbling slightly, the blonde placed her hand's on Lexa's hips keeping her steady. 

"easy there" Clarke smiled gripping the brunette tighter against the sink. "I think three is enough" 

"I feel fine" Lexa admitted "Just dizzy is all" 

"Sit down with me" Clarke asked pulling the brunette down to rest her back against the bath as Clarke did the same. They sat in silence for a moment Clarke couldn't take her eye's of the brunette, as if she was struggling to hold her head up yet she found it fascinating how her word's never slurred. Lexa was tipsy, feeling the edge of the drink slowly taking control of her body, her body more heavier, vision less Clear and she was speaking more confidently and blurting thing's out Clarke couldn't help but find cute. 

"Why are you looking after me?" Lexa questioned her blood shot green eye's scanning Clarke. 

"Why wouldn't i look after you?" Clarke questioned eager to get any information out of Lexa. She watched her shrug her shoulders letting her head tilt back against the bath as she looked straight on. 

"Im not one of you" Lexa admitted letting a small amount of vulnerability appear "You'r all popular, im just..Lexa" 

"I happen to like Lexa" Clarke admitted taking hold of the brunette's hand, and squeezing it gently.  Lexa smiled politely releasing a heavy breath, before looking at there finger's tangled in to one. 

"You make me feel safe" Lexa admitted after a moment of silence, squeezing Clarke's hand back before meeting Blue eye's once more. 

Lexa could feel her finger's tingling under the Blonde's grasp, something that had become a familiar feeling around the blonde, even when she wasn't touching her. They could just be talking or Lexa would find herself watching the blonde from afar, but her finger's always tingled. She had never had tingly finger's before meeting Clarke, but she took it as a good sign as Clarke made her feel safe. She was the girl who had done nothing but help her since arriving at the Griffin house hold, she had protected her from a bully, a panic attack, and now at night they would lay in bed with one another and she hadn't had a nightmare once since laying beside Clarke. 
The brunette wasn't blind she knew Clarke was more than beautiful, her features were absolutely incredible and Lexa had always knew deep down she was in to Girl's even if she never really did say it aloud to anyone, maybe that was because she didn't have anyone to say it to. 

"Im glad i make you feel that way" Clarke smiled taking in the brunette's spaced out face. "Where did you just go?" she questioned softly guiding her thumb back and forth on the back of Lexa's hand. Clarke wasn't sure if Lexa was just speaking because of the Alcohol or if she really meant it, but either way she stayed quiet for a moment to see if Lexa would continue as she looked lost in thought.

"Oh. Nothing" Lexa smiled trying to push her thought's to the back of her head "The alcohol make's your brain tick" she grinned 

"It does" Clarke smiled "I should have warned you, i would say alcohol makes people tell the truth, but im not sure about you" Clarke teased. 

"Why?" Lexa questioned cocking her brow. 

"I asked if you were drunk and you said no." Clarke laughed "Which is obviously a lie."

"Im fine" 

"Sure. Were just sitting on the bathroom floor to make our bum's numb and cold" The blonde smirked "Speaking of sitting down, should we try getting up? All the Fun's downstairs you know, as much as i love sitting with germ's" 

"shut up"Lexa mumbled nudging the brunette as she tried standing to her feet with Clarke quickly doing the same, gripping lexa as she lent forward to quickly. "Sorry" Lexa muttered gazing in to Clarke's blue eye's. 

The silence fell amongst both girl's as they both come to the realisation at how close they were, with Clarke's hand's gripping Lexa's hip's steadily. Clarke held the brunette closer there body's pressed up against one another. Clarke could feel Lexa's breathe on her face more unsteady than before as green eye's shifted down to Clarke's lips, her eye lids becoming heavy on them as she swallowed hard. Clarke watched it all as if in slow motion, Lexa's warm heavy breath, her eye's hooked on Clarke's lip's as her throat moved allowing herself to swallow harshly. Clarke felt her own body becoming hot, her mouth becoming dry at the sight of Lexa. Desperate to lean in but not really sure If that's what lexa wanted. 

"Lexa" Clarke breathed allowing her own eye's to drift down to the lips she had dreamt about on her own, the lip's that looked so delicate and plump. Her mind went blank, and everything went hazy as she could feel her own heart beat in her chest. Lexa never answered but she didn't move closer either. Instead her lip's parted in the slightest and Clarke was drawn in all over again wanting, needing to feel them. She moved closer like in slow motion, her eye's flickering to the destination she desire's to Lexa's green eye's allowing the brunette to stop her at any moment. That never came.  She watched Lexa's eye's flutter close when Her lip's were as close as they could be without touching, an that's all it took for the blonde to Close her eye's pressing her soft lip's against Lexa's. 

Clarke's stomach dropped and the oxygen was extracted from her body the second Lexa's lip's moved against her's. Clarke's eyes were already closed but they clamped together even tighter as her stomach was making her hole body feel weak and limp, unable to breath and before the kiss could heat up Clarke's hand had made it to Lexa's chest pushing her body away from her's softly only in the slightest enough for there lip's to part. Instantly Clarke inhaled a breathe, releasing it with a shaky breath unable to open her eye's. 

What the fuck was that!?

Her legs felt like they were ready to give out on her at any given moment as she inhaled sharply trying to steady her breathing. Clarke's mind was blank there were no word's forming in her mouth, all she could do was allow the rippling unfamiliar feeling to change everything in her, her stomach fluttering like crazy as if she was dropped of a 100ft building, her legs still feeling like jelly and her hand feeling Lexa's heart beat against the hand that still remained against Lexa's chest, Encouraging her to finally open er eye's. Clarke met green instantly, but they were no longer relaxed desirable hungry eye's, they were scared and timid once more. 

"im so sorry" Lexa muttered quickly "I shouldn't have.. i mean..Fuck" Lexa muttered pushing past the blonde and quickly disappeared out the bathroom and down the stairs. 

Clarke stood there froze, her body was unable to react to anything as the world shut off around her only thinking and feeling Lexa's lip's on her own as she raised her finger's brushing them over her own moist lip's. She was in shock. She had kissed Lexa and the brunette had managed to shut every natural body instinct in her to move, speak even think clearly, from just the touch of her lip's. Her stomach exploded again with butterfly's feeling the flutter like no other she had ever experienced before as she encountered the kiss in her head once more. 

Clarke wasn't sure how long she had stood in the bathroom froze with her finger's to her lip's tracing them slowly while starring in to nothing. She could only think of Lexa, Lexa's lips, Lexa's beating heart beat and the more baffling part of it all was her  own body's reaction not only the short effect's of the kiss but the long effect that she was still having unable to even move, or think properly.

"Oh shit didnt realise someone was in here" Octavia blurted out clutching her hand to her chest "Scared me to death!" She announced eyeing the blonde standing there confused. "Are you ok?" Octavia questioned stepping closer to clarke. Only when Octavia touched Clarke's arm did she come back to reality and take in her surrounding's.

"What?" Clarke mutted quickly clearing her throat. 

"Are you ok?" Octavia questioned once more more concerned. 

"Yeh" Clarke breathed shakking her head as if getting rid of the thought's, not that it worked or anything. "Can i use your bedroom for a minute?" Clarke questioned wanting the privacy think. 

"Of course"

///

Clarke had been pacing in Octavia's bedroom for a few minute's playing with her own hand's as she did so. There was three things that were now becoming Clear in Clarke's head as the time ticked by. One being She had never ever experienced a kiss quite like the one she just had with Lexa, never had her body been unable to form any movement or sound from just a touch of the lip's, hell with anything if she was honest. It scared her more than she would that she could begin to explain. Two being she wanted to kiss her again more than anything, the blonde had continued to curse herself over and over again at not stopping Lexa, for not pulling her back and kissing her quickly. They had only just kissed a moment ago but Clarke's mind was working over drive with all the way's she wished she just grabbed her, pushed her against anything and buried her tounge with the brunette's, just the thought of it was making her hot and bothered. Then there was number three that could also mix with a number four, Clarke could possibly be bisexual, infact i think that could possibly is a defiantly. Which then bring her to her biggest final thought of all, what the fuck did this all mean? 
Sure Clarke wanted to kiss her again, then again, and again, maybe never stop, but Lexa had quickly ran off apologising for something Clarke was sure she had done, not Lexa.
why did she run off? Clarke's mind was going crazy and once more the wrecking ball was swinging wildy in her thought's making her forget everything she once knew as this certainly would change everything. 

"What's going on?" Octavia questioned entering the bedroom "Why are you so pale?" 

"Pale?" Clarke questioned quickly moving herself to look in the mirror. Octavia wasn't lieing Clarke looked like a ghost.

"Have i missed something?" Octavia questioned placing herself on her bed as she watched the blonde begin to pace once more. 

"i think im gay" Clarke blurted out quickly. "Well..i don't know" she muttered playing with her own hand's, only stopping when she realised that was Lexa's nervous habit. "I just kissed Lexa" the blonde admitted only stopping to look at octavia's eye's widening and a grin quickly following.

"You did what!? When!?" 

"In the bathroom, she was drunk and, she was dizzy" The blonde rambled "Then we kissed" releasing a huff Clarke placed her bum next to octavia "Then she ran out" 
Clarke felt defeated, on one hand she felt like her body was buzzing from the kiss, then on the other everything felt to much and fast as she was processing kissing a girl, and now coming to the conclusion maybe, just maybe she has a crush. Maybe. 

"What was it like?" Octavia questioned softly. 

"I can't even explain it" Clarke breathed honestly. She couldn't but it didn't stop her trying. "it felt like she withdrew apart of me" Clarke admitted as her mind went back to her unable to speak no matter how much she wanted to say something or move for that matter. "She took my breath away" 

"Do you want to do it again?" Octavia questioned looking at the blonde curiously. 

"i dont know..i think i do" Clarke eventually admitted. Lexa was all that consumed her mind. "I don't know what this mean's. Does it mean im in to girl's now? Am i gay? is that what i am? Lexa, i dont know, she kinda..argh" The blonde huffed in frustration trying to find the right word's. 

"Who say's it has to mean anything right now?" Octavia questioned taking Clarke's hand in her own "Your over thinking, Your trying to break it down peice by peice to understand it yet i dont understand why" Octavia admitted. 

"What do you mean?" 

"What im saying is, why cant it just be what ever it is? Why are you trying to put it in a catagory, who care's if you like girl's or boy's, so what maybe your not sure what you think or feel right now. But who say's you need to know right now?" Octavia questioned. "Let it find it's own place" 
Clarke sat there in silence for a while listening to the Younger Blake before squeezing her hand, and as if that was the word's Clarke needed to hear right now her smile appeared willingly and all the worry and fear vanished. Octavia was right, this was new, extremely new she didn't need to label what she was or what it meant right now, she needed to find Lexa. 

"I Love you" Clarke admitted throwing her arm's around Octavia's neck hugging her tightly. 

"I love you two" Octavia laughed 

"Excuse me" Clarke smiled breaking apart "But i need to find Lexa."


///

The blonde had never scanned her eye's so quickly as she moved room to room in search for Lexa, she was desperate to find green eye's in the crowd somewhere but that never came, the disappointment that shown threw her frown was undeniable and she could feel her heart clenching the more she searched and failed. 

"Roan where's lexa?" she questioned interrupting the boy's playing a drinking game. 

"Haven't seen her" He admitted focusing back on the bottle spinning on the table as it Landed on Fin. Clarke tuned out after that, her eye's turning around to scan the room once more. 

"She told me she was going home" Raven shouted over the music enough for Clarke to hear 

"What? When?" Clarke gushed a little faster that she liked.  "She's drunk, you let her leave?" 

"She said costia was picking her up or something?" Raven questioned "I Dont know, she was going to wait on the porch" 

Clarke quickly turned around heading to the front door as fast as she could, only when she opened it  she was met with No lexa. 
She was gone. 

Her heart clenched tighter just thinking about Costia. 
The brunette who Lexa had already shared a kiss with just the week before. 
"Idiot" The blonde muttered to herself cursing her body for not being able to have pulled Lexa back and kissed her. 
Clarke needed to go home, she wanted to go home. 
The unsettling feeling in the pit of her stomach was making her angry, and she just needed to see lexa.
 

Ok guy's thats a short chapter i apologise! But needed that out there, next one will be long i promise.
i know there are alot of un answeared questions in this so far, but i promise they all will be answered :)
Was wondering if you wanted one in Lexa's pov a little more or are you happy how it is :)