Lost And Insecure!

Lost And Insecure!

Clarke couldn't bring herself to eat, just like she couldn't bring herself to look at Lexa across the dinner table. She had nearly just kissed her and that scared her to death. There were too many unanswered questions she had when it came to the brunette but as much as Clarke wanted to keep denying she felt something for her more than she should she couldn't. When Abby knocked on their bedroom door scaring them apart Clarke felt it, the ache on her lips and the drop in her stomach just for being so close. Clarke knows she should have been grateful her mum stopped them before anything happened but she wasn't, instead she found herself cursing her mum at such shit timing, she found herself wishing her mum could have waited a few more minutes. What scared her more is, she had a boyfriend and he never crossed her mind once.

"I'll help wash up Abby" 

"That's ok love," Abby said surprised at the offer "you don't have to, Jake and I will do it." 

"i want to" Lexa insisted carrying her and Abbys plate with her to the kitchen sink. 

"Thank you," Abby says softly "Clarke you could learn a few things from Lexa"

"Not a chance"

"Our little Clarkey here hates feeling bits of food touch her hands when washing up" Jake laughs. 

"You're supposed to scrape the plates first" Lexa grinned while turning to meet blue eyes.

"Something always ends up in the sink with you" Clarke informs her while adverting her gaze elsewhere. She didn't want to lose herself so easily again. "It's gross when it touches your hand" If Lexa didn't believe her, Clarke scrunching up her face in disgust at just the thought was proof enough which had Lexa laughing over the sink almost instantly. Clarke suddenly found it difficult to look anywhere but Lexa as she smiled along with her.

"I think it's just a way to get out of washing up" Abby piped up joining the conversation. 

"It is not" Clarke objected "It just makes my skin crawl" 

"What happens when they aren't here?" Lexa stutters while never looking away from the sink. Even though Lexa couldn't see her Clarke bit the inner of  her bottom lip at Lexa's nervousness even if she was slowly becoming more comfortable around her parents. 

"Well, it has to rain sometime right?" Clarke joked causing Lexa to grin so wide.

"You think she's joking?" Jake questioned looking at his daughter with a smile plastered over his face shaking his head "Sometimes when me and Abby go away for work or what not, Clarke is left here for the weekend" He smirked still shaking his head at his daughter. "She decided one day to help us out as she puts it. She rinsed the plates with the tap and placed them on top of one another ready to be washed properly by us when we got back. She said it helped if we really thought about it" Jake laughed "although one morning she decided to have porridge, apparently the rinsing didn't work after she had left it to dry so just decided to throw the bowl away instead"

Lexa's giggle was nothing compared to now as she scrubbed at the knife and forks while imagining Clarke giving up on a bowl with no other options left.

"Better than leaving them there all smelly and gross isn't it?" Clarke stated matter of factly. 

"Not really honey, we're one bowl short in our set now"

---

Day dreaming had become a reoccurring thing recently. The reason was obvious but Clarke refused to accept it as she left the house as quickly as possible after dinner. She had kept her back to Lexa as she searched through her wardrobe while she asked her where she was going, she didn't need to look to no the disappointed look Lexa would be wearing, she heard it in the simple word 'Oh' that left her lips. It took everything in her to leave the room without turning back and letting the guilt take over but the second she left the house the gut feeling was already there. Her mind and heart told her to turn back around even after she started the engine and drove away. 

She found herself outside Finns house. 

Clarke wasn't sure what she was here to achieve, she wasn't sure whether she needed to touch him or be touched, or to simply call it off altogether. Nearly kissing Lexa only made her more confused as she sat staring at her boyfriends house thinking everything over, thinking about everything she wants and everything she doesn't.

She wants to kiss Lexa. That's the first thing that pops into her head, her lips are still aching and her stomach drops thinking about it. She finds herself thinking about Lexa more and more, even more than Finn. Does that mean she is into girls now? She has never been attracted to a woman before or even looked at one once in that way. So why is she looking at Lexa like that? 
Why is the thought of just placing her lips on the brunettes making her mind and stomach go mental. Clarke's breathing becomes more uneven the more she thinks of Lexa's plump lips, and the image just won't shake. 

She quickly exits her car and makes her way over to Finn's house knocking on the front door until the young lad answers. 

---


Clarke had been in Finn's house for little less than an hour, his face had lit up the second he laid eyes on his gorgeous girlfriend at his front door and he didn't question why she was there either. They had made their way to his bedroom laying on the bed with one another like they had done hundreds of times turned in to one another studying each others face. 

"I Like you just showing up" Finn said softly never taking his eyes of Clarke's while placing his hand on her bare hip rubbing his finger back and forth, and Clarke didn't hate the contact. 

"Why?" Clarke questioned wanting to know, she might need to hear how Finn feels, she might need to just spend more time together as lately, they hadn't had the time, she allowed every possibility till it was ruled out. She watched Finn shrug his shoulders placing his arm under his head to prop him up a little more to look down at the blonde. 

"I love seeing you" He admitted "I've missed you" 

"I've missed you too" She smiled. Clarke didn't lie when she said that she realized she just didn't miss him the way he missed her. The blonde missed the way they were best friends as well as being a couple.

"You look beautiful" He whispered pushing strands of her blonde locks out her face "You always look beautiful" 

Clarke closed her eyes not wanting him to read her emotions not wanting him to see that she wasn't feeling this anymore. Fin was everything a girl could ask for, honestly he was gentle, kind, passionate  and he always held his heart on his sleeve he didn't care what the lads would say to him, how they would tease him about being under the thumb  he would just be him, how his father raised him, respectful to women, and love like you never would again. 
Clarke wanted to try everything, wanted to straighten her mind and emotions out properly so she tried once more thing. 

She placed her hand on his shirt gripping it tightly and pulled him down slowly towards her lips, she watched as Finn closed his eyes before his lips touched hers then she did the same. Their kiss was in sync his lips soft and tender against hers he cupped her cheek as he grazed his tongue on her bottom lip for entrance, she allowed it, feeling his tongue push against hers like it had a hundred times. All she felt was passion from him, He loved her deeply and madly she felt it with every touch, every kiss and every word. 

But Lexa was all she could think about. 

Clarke pushed Finn off her sitting up quickly clamping her eyes shut. 

"Did I do something wrong?" Fin questioned nervously and confused. 

"No" Clarke stated softly before standing up knowing she needs to just do this, that kiss confirmed everything she needed. 

"What's wrong?" He questioned watching Clarke become nervous. 

"I hate having to do this" Clarke blurted pacing up and down the room before taking a deep breath and sitting back down next to Finn, she took his hand in hers and tried to speak as calmly as her body would allow her. 

"It's not you, it's me" Clarke said softly realizing what she just said "And I know people say that, and it's such a stupid phrase but really it's me. I'm so confused right now" 

"about us?"He questioned squeezing her hand tightly he was nervous and scared and Clarke hated herself even more for being able so to see it so clearly. 

"Yes," She admitted "i don't feel like it's right anymore" she admitted placing her hands on his cheek "I love you, I do" She admitted seeing his face weaken "just not like that. Your perfect" She admitted and she knew he was "I'm so stupid, I don't want you to change because of this. You're incredible the way you are, it's just my hearts not in this" She said sadly knowing she could possibly lose her best friend here too.

"Clarke please.." He pleaded seeing the tears fill his eyes 

"Please don't" She leaned her forehead on his "you deserve so much more, and so much love" She admitted. Nothing made this better, no words would ease it for a boy already in love so she got up, and walked away resisting the urge to try to make him feel better, to make him feel happy once more. 

//

It was late before the blonde returned, she tiptoed around the house trying not to wake anyone as she made her way to her and Lexa's bedroom. 
The blonde shuffled around grabbing some pyjamas before heading off to have a shower, she felt like she needed to wash every trace of her that had just happened. She allowed the tears to fall with the drops of warm water down her face. 
She wasn't sure why she was crying, it could have been she had just threw away the best thing that had happened to her because she was so confused and didn't know what was really going on, or if she was just crying because her emotions were everywhere right now. She allowed the tears to fall as she curled up on the shower floor.
It was a release. 

Clarke made her way back into the bedroom wrapped up in her cosy pyjamas, hair still wet but scrunched up as it fell down one shoulder. Lexa was having a nightmare already as she walked in the room. She hesitated for a moment on what to do, she had been caught this morning and promised not to do that again, but she couldn't just leave her could she? 

She placed herself on Lexa's bed like she did every night only this time she didn't sooth the girl to calm, she didn't sooth the girl to stop her tossing and turning and the sweat appearing on her head, she just watched and she waited not wanting to cross the line with the sleeping brunette, she waited on the brunette's eyes to flicker open and she would wait to comfort her then. 

It felt like a lifetime watching the brunettes discomfort turn to stress and then petrified all while she was sleeping, the sweat had formed all over the brunette's body while it shifted like crazy as she mumbled things in her sleep "Stop" "I'm sorry" "Get away" The words kept seeping through the brunette's lips and Clarke resisted the urge to comfort the sleeping girl. 

"Lexa" Clarke whispered getting ready to place her hand on the girls cheek to wake her, only Lexa shot up out of bed nearly hitting Clarke in the face with such force, her eyes widened instantly. Clarke stayed calm seeing Lexa's face so close to hers. There was a look of horror behind green eyes along with fear and confusion. Without thinking, Clarke placed her hand on Lexa's cheek soothing it with her thumb as a few fingers curled around her neck until she was holding her cheek in her hand. 

"Are you ok?" Clarke questioned as Lexa exhales sharply but slow. "You were having a nightmare" She whispers stating the obvious. 
Lexa didn't speak, but she didn't move either so Clarke continued to hold her face in her palm stroking it until the girls breathing steadied. "Do you want to talk about it?" Clarke questioned as Lexa closed her eyes clearly tired but scared to lay back down and sleep.
"No" lexa mumbled flickering her eyes back open 

"Ok" Clarke replied Catching blue with green. "You should sleep" Clarke smiled finding Lexa cuter than ever in her sleepy state, even if she did just wake up from a nightmare.
For a few moments the girls just watched one another in silence as Lexa returned to her quiet self not answering to much. When Clarke's eyes trailed down to the brunettes lips like earlier today she tore her gaze away immediately.

"Goodnight Lexa" Clarke whispered getting ready to stand up and move to her own bed Lexa's eyes widened and gripped on Clarke's wrist before she could move, When Clarke caught her gaze once more Lexa's eyes allowed her to see all the vulnerability beneath for the first time, she was scared.. so scared, It almost knocked Clarke.
Without asking or thinking, Clarke scooted in the sheet's with Lexa beside her not sure if it was the right thing to do, but when Lexa laid down beside her and held Clarke's top between her fingers, Clarke knew it was.

The room may have been silent, but Clarke's heart was not.

---

When Clarke woke the first thing she noticed was Lexa still sleeping soundly in the same position only her grip more loose on Clarke time. Clarke's smile grew instantly not resisting the urge at all to push Lexa’s wild mane free from her face, she looked even more beautiful than Clarke could remember the smallest things only made her more beautiful, cuter or even sexy. Clarke caught herself biting her bottom lip as she stayed wrapped up in Lexa before a sudden fear took over her, she didnt want Lexa to freak out when she woke and if the last few days are anything to go by, Lexa's more than likely to do exactly that. Instead of sticking around to scare Lexa, Clarke began to shift out the bed and away from Lexa, but Lexa made it impossible as her grip on Clarke's shirt suddenly tightened.

"Where are you going?" The brunette asked worriedly Never loosening her grip. Clarke's eyes found Lexa's fragile one's as she clung tightly to the blonde.

"Nowhere" Clarke whispered as if Lexa was still sleeping, while placing her hand over Lexa's gripped one. "You ok?" Clarke questions. She felt Lexa nod against her shoulder but still their eyes remained fixed on one another.

"I'm sorry about last night" Lexa finally says suddenly back to her nervous self, but still her grip remained not planning on letting Clarke go just yet. 

"Dont be" Clarke replied honestly. "i liked it" Clarke spoke more shyly than usual at the confession.

Like many days the silence fell amongst both girls as they stared at one another, none mentioning the kiss that almost happened, none mentioning how close there holding one another, none even trying to part. 

"We should probably get ready for school" Lexa suggested sadly not wanting to move.

"We probably should" Clarke confirmed. 

//

The school day went by like any other for Clarke she hung with her friends and studied hard in class, she saw fin a few times and he didn't avoid her, that was good news for at least there could be a friendship still to hold on to. She watched from afar where Lexa sat with Costia, she tried not to get angry every time she seen them together, she tried to stop her stomach dropping in such a horrible way every time she seen Costia grip Lexa's hand. she was jealous pure and simple. 
The jealousy vanished that night when Lexa and Clarke were at home, they had decided to watch another film with one another both laying in Clarke's bed this time more cuddled up, she loved how lexa had relaxed more around her, enough to snuggle in to the blonde. Clarke couldn't help but think that costia didn't get this side of Lexa with a smug grin. What Clarke didn't expect was Lexa to remain in her bed to fall asleep like she did the night before, her hand wrapped around Clarke's top gripping it tightly as she closed her eyes. 
Lexa and Clarke did this every night all week, Lexa would climb into bed with Clarke now as if it's a new routine and Clarke welcomed it with a smile on her face, and like every night Lexa would grip her tightly. The blonde likes to think it was so she couldn't escape without Lexa knowing, security reason's like when she would get nervous she would fiddle with anything her fingers could get hold of. It was the cutest thing. 
Whenever the blonde was at school however, she would slowly find her mind being taken over at just the thought of Lexa, how she would bite on her pen when she drew or wrote, how she smiled at Clarke when they were alone, how Lexa had relaxed so much around her to the point she would begin singing ignoring the fact the blonde could hear her. Her voice was incredible. 
Yet still Clarke wanted nothing more than to kiss the girl, to place her lips on those sweet delicate plump lips she had thought about it every day, when she would sleep, when she would talk, even when she was nowhere near the brunette she would think of her lips and Clarke had become certain there was nothing more she wanted. 
Clarke hated that they were so close at home, but at school she was always with Costia, maybe it was her own fault as she had made no effort to hang around more with Lexa, she was scared she wouldn't be able to act normal around her, scared her friends would pick up on stuff she wasn't willing to share. Raven had already caught her starring at the party last week, and she couldn't have that happen again. Clarke's jealousy was raging inside her building up ready to burst she would try to look away every break, try not to focus on the one thing in front of her which was Lexa and Costia. Costia was too obvious she had the hot's for Lexa she would laugh and touch and cuddle Lexa all the time but the brunette was oblivious to it and accepted it all. 
Clarke only watched from afar imagining all the thing's she wanted to do to costia, and none of them was nice, But Clarke had no right to be jealous so she never said a word. Instead, she remains quiet and enjoyed the time they spent together at home, knowing Costia didn't get that part of Lexa. 

"Never been so thankful it's Friday!!" Raven announced walking over to there usual spot on the field. 

"me to" Clarke smiled. She was glad she wouldn't have to watch Costia and Lexa so close for the weekend. 

"Are you coming to Bellamy's party?" Raven questioned remembering Clarke said she wasn't sure if she was going yet.

"Of course" Clarke smiled already feeling like she just need's to dance the night away "im going to invite lexa too" Clarke smiled looking over to the spot Lexa already lay with Costia's head laying on her stomach side way's both looking up to the sky smiling and pointing. Clarke hated it so much. 
She was just glad Costia wouldn't be there tonight.