Lost And Insecure!

Lost And Insecure!

As the sun shone through the curtains on a early Saturday morning Lexa’s eyes fort to stay open, if it wasn’t for the small array of light glaring in her eyes she would have lost that battle easy. For the solemn reason that it is Saturday and far to early to be awake Lexa groans while rolling on her back before being brought to silence as she stares at her hand and the hand occupying it. Clarke was fast asleep with her bum on the floor, back against the draw and hand in Lexa’s if what Lexa could see was correct. It’s possible she could be sleeping and dreaming this whole thing up.

As Lexa furrowed her brows in confusion her body stiffened which only caused Clarke's thumb to sooth Lexa's hand like it was natural. Millions of thoughts and questions started running through her mind all while Clarke's thumb continued to move soothingly.

Why was Clarke on the floor? Why was Clarke holding my hand? Why haven't I moved my hand?  Fuck.

The last question seemed to linger in her mind while looking at their still entangled hands. She couldn't understand why she hadn't pulled it away as quickly as she saw it and still continued to remain still. It scared her a little more than she would like to admit which is why she began slowly dragging her hand out from beneath Clarkes. The movement only seemed to stir Clarke awake causing her to grip the hand tighter while her eyes slowly flickered open. She yarned before fixating her eyes on green eyes watching her carefully.

"Morning" She mumbled without thinking, without entirely knowing what she had been caught doing as she just smiled innocently.

"Morning" Lexa said more than shyly back before trying to retreat her hand once more. Clarke eyes widened in realisation and quickly snapped  her hand back instantly, she was sure she had never stood up so quick in all her life "Fuck" She muttered feeling her face reddening her blanket quickly dropped to the ground leaving her standing there in her underwear. "Shit" She mumbled once more quickly bending down to cover her exposed body.

"Clarke" Lexa said red faced.

"Sorry" The blonde quickly interrupted "I shouldn't have" She rambled "Fuck" She mumbled to herself once more quickly turning to her own bed and climbing in making sure to purposely not face Lexa. "Fuck sake" Clarke mouthed cursing herself silently facing the wall.

"Why were you holding my hand?" Lexa asked after a long moment of silence but needing to know the answer, she certainly didn't fall asleep that way. The silence fell once more and Clarke remained facing away. Just when the brunette thought she wasn't ever going to get an answer she shoveled out of bed swinging her feet first with her head bowed. 

"You have nightmares" Clarke just about pushed out while clamping her eyes closed, feeling more and more embarrassed at being caught this morning, even if she did enjoy every second of it every night. "You have nightmares every night" Clarke confirmed still keeping her back to Lexa. The brunette fiddled with the hem of her t-shirt knowing she had nightmares but she hadn't had any for over a week now so she wasn't sure what Clarke was saying.  "You got angry when i woke you the first time" Clarke continued remembering the Brunette giving her the cold shoulder although she was only trying to help "But then you kept having them  and I didn't know what to do" Clarke admitted finally having the guts to turn around and face Lexa who was fiddling with something between her fingers. "I held your hand and rubbed my thumb across it one night and you just..i don't know. Relaxed?" 

Lexa wasn’t the only shy one in the room, Clarke felt like she had a spotlight aimed right at her leaving her bare and showing her vulnerable side. The silence fell around them, neither knowing who should speak first but before it could dwell on for it to get more uncomfortable than it already was Clarke cleared her throat.

"breakfast time i guess" Clarke smiled politely even though Lexa wasn't remotely looking at her, her gaze had been in her lap for the last five minutes and Clarke didn't know what else to do, she wanted to tell her not to be shy, not to be embarrassed, not to worry but clearly Lexa didn't want her touching her and most certainly didn't want her help, the blonde moved around shoving some pyjamas over her body, as she was about to leave the room she stopped in her tracks listening to Lexa's Question.

"How often have you done that?" Lexa asked as her brain was puzzled she had nightmares almost every night, nightmares that had stopped since moving in the Griffin household. Lexa just thought she was getting past it, growing out of it, or even she no longer had those fears but maybe she was wrong.

"Every night" Clarke admitted softly finally facing the brunette with a distance between them. "I'm sorry if that crossed a line for you, that wasn't my intention, I won't do it again" she assured watching the fearful girl, her whole body struggling to relax. Clarke's gaze dropped to Lexa's fidgety hands fiddling with the end of her top repeatedly twirling it between her fingers, and Clarke already knew she was uncomfortable she had learned she did it more and more the more nervous she is.  "Sorry" Clarke said softly once more, Before turning back around and heading down the hallway feeling as if her heart was ready to burst out. 

//

Clarke sat at the breakfast table watching her mum busying herself cleaning up while she was in a daydream, she had fallen into it a number of times making her breakfast, eating her breakfast and now just staring into nothing. If Clarke was honest she was hung over, her head was pounding and her body ached the only reason she hadn't made her way back upstairs was because she would have to face the brunette in her room, and she wasn't sure if she wanted to. What could she say? she had stupidly been caught holding her hand and Lexa obviously was not ok with it, she doesn't blame her of course. Then there was her feelings, the feelings Clarke couldn't wrap her head around, the questions that continued to spin in her head with no answers. Why was she so bothered about Lexa? Why did Clarke already miss comforting the brunette at night when she would have a nightmare? Why did her teeth grit when thinking of Lexa kissing Costia? Why did she want to rip Costia's head off? Her head was pounding the more she tried for her answers

"What's up kid?" Jake questioned placing in the stall beside Clarke knocking her from her thoughts.

"Nothing"

"Clarke" he smirked raising his eyebrow "How long have I known you again?" he rubbed his finger against his chin pretending to think

"Shut up" She tried to hide her smile but failed. 

"Ah that's it!"He grinned looking at her once more "Your whole life I believe! So, I think it's safe to say I know when something is not right don't You?" He questioned honestly. Clarke couldn't deny it her dad knew her like no other, they were closer than the average father-daughter, he was like her best friend too, but this wasn't something she could really discuss right now, she wasn't even sure what it was exactly but maybe she could go around it.

"Have you ever felt confused?" She questioned releasing a heavy breath "Like really confused about something?"

"Many things" He Admitted. "But it depends on what you mean really?" Clarke twitched her lip to the side slightly trying to think how to put it without giving too much away.

"Like something just quickly consumed your mind, and it just Jumped out of nowhere" She admitted trailing her fingers across the cold kitchen counter losing herself in thought "I can't really explain it" she breathed out "I don't understand it" Jake looked at his daughter for a moment waiting to see if she would continue or not, when she didn't he finally spoke.

"is it bad?" He questioned as the blonde continued to draw circles on the kitchen counter with her finger. Clarke thought for a moment was it bad? it didn't feel bad? it just felt weird, confusing to be more accurate.

"I don't think so" Clarke admitted "I don't know" Clarke mind was constantly wrapping around the same thing and it frustrated her not knowing if it was a good or bad thing, or if she liked it or didn't. Confusing was the only word to describe it.

"You seem really torn" Jake admitted "I've not seen you like this before" 

"Yeah" Clarke breathed "I've never felt like this before" She said sadly she always knew what she wanted, what she was going to do, what she felt, what she needed to say, Everything just came naturally to her until now, now she just feels like her brain has been squished and she has to sort it back out again to go back to how she likes it. 

"Why don't you try exploring it more, whatever it is. Maybe it will help you with your answers" 

"Maybe" she breathed but wondered what there was to explore exactly.

"Try this" He added watching his daughters uncertainty still "Think of whatever is confusing you, do it now" her dad ordered. 

So Clarke did she closed her eyes tightly letting out an unsteady breath, at first it was black. Then there was Lexa, playing with her fingers with the shyest of smiles, her eyes sparkling her emerald green. Flashes of Lexa flashed through her mind, how she sat how she slept, how her nightmares would wake her while Clarke would comfort her when she started having a panic attack in the bathroom, showing Lexa how to dance and move her hips. It was Just Lexa.

Then the blonde smiled.

"See" Jake spoke up watching his daughter smile "It makes you happy when you think about it properly, maybe you should look into it more give it a try is all I'm saying" he smiled softly as his daughter opened her eyes. 

"Thanks, dad" She smiled standing up kissing his cheek 

"Im not even sure i helped" He laughed as the Blonde disappeared upstairs. Jake just sat there with a small smile on his face knowing his daughter was confused about someone, someone who made her question things.  Jake had only ever felt that kind of confused once, with Abby.


----

Clarke opened the bedroom door seeing Lexa buried in a book, her headphones firmly placed in her ear only looking up to give a shy smile before returning her gaze back to reading. Maybe Jake was right maybe she should explore it more, she wasn't sure what the nagging feeling was or the feeling in the pit of her stomach but she most certainly wanted to know so here she was, standing in front of the brunette thinking of something to say, thinking of something to start there conversation. 
When Lexa could see Clarke staring at her she removed her headphones from her ear looking at the blonde confused. 

"Hi" Lexa tried softly 

"Hi" Clarke smiled now feeling like a bit of an idiot, "How can you read and listen to the music at the same time?" She questioned with a smile unable to do that herself. Lexa shrugged looking at her earphone in hand

"I don't know" She smiled "I've just always done it" 

"I end up singing the words and losing the line to the book, end up reading the same line ten times" The blonde giggled a little bit as if it was the stupidest thing she ever said, but really she was just nervous, very nervous, but Lexa just smiled back not just a small smile, a wide smile and it only made Clarke's smile grow. 

"I Always end up singing" Lexa admitted "I place my finger on the word I'm at, so I don't lose my place" She smirked as if giving the blonde a tip.

"Wise." Clarke admitted "Maybe I should try it" 

"I think you should" 

"Then I will" Clarke walked over to Lexa's bed now finding her confidence, the confidence which had never faltered until this brunette entered her life "Give me" Clarke ordered taking the book from Lexa's hand and the headphones She could see lexa look at her curiously with a small smile clearly not expecting to do it right now, but Clarke wanted the conversation to keep flowing and this was the way. Clarke placed the headphone in her ear raising her eye brow's at the blonde with a smirk. 

"Shawn Mendes ay?" Clarke questioned listening to the music "Add it up?" She questioned and Lexa nodded eyeing the blonde "Let's try this then" she gripped the book trying to read the book, she was already itching to sing to the song she knew very well. 

"I'm giving you a decision to make, things to lose and things to take!" The blonde blasted out placing her finger on the last line she last read, not that she really was reading. Lexa's grin grew wider as she watched and listened to the blonde who was sitting on her bed. Clarke didn't miss it she smiled back instantly and it only encouraged her to carry on "He's walking around like his number one, went downtown and you got him a gun!" This time Lexa giggled 

"what? Not like my singing?" She teased closing the book, headphone still in one ear. "I think I could win a singing show, to be honest" she tried acting serious but the smile passed her lips to easy as the brunette grinned at her. 

"You're talented" Lexa lied "Just maybe not at singing" She admitted 

"oh really?" Clarke asked unable to remove her smile while eyeing the brunette "I suppose I'll just have to leave that to you then, care to show me up?" she questioned handing her headphone back and book. 

"No thank you" Lexa replied more shyly than before at the mention of her singing, knowing Clarke had caught her. Clarke noticed and decided to drop it not wanting the brunette to get uncomfortable. 

"Did you enjoy last night?" Clarke questioned wanting to know, all she thought about from the night before was dancing against Lexa, holding her hips guiding her hip's and that only made her smile, even if She did kiss costia late that night. 

"I did" she admitted "You were sick" Lexa stated the obvious 

"I was!" Clarke smirked rolling her eyes "Too much alcohol! You seem ok" Clarke added 

"I didn't drink, I've never drunk" The brunette admitted shyly 

"Never?" Clarke questioned. She didn't think Lexa drank last night anyway judging by how nervous she remained and fidgety that night. Drink relaxes you she knew that far to well it's why she had the courage to dance with the brunette. Lexa just shook her head. 

"How come?" She questioned wanting to know why she had never touched a drink before.

"i just never.. um.. drink changes people, and i just get nervous... I Mean i don't want to look silly" She admitted holding back a little not wanting to talk about her past just yet. 

"Would you want to try it?" Clarke questioned. Lexa shrugged her shoulders not to bothered. 

"I wouldn't mind" Lexa admitted "I just.. not around everyone" 

"Ok" Clarke smiled in understandable "Maybe we could try it together sometime" 

"Maybe" Lexa smiled fidgeting a little as she sat crossing her legs with her hands in her lap Clarke still remained placed on her bed just watching the brunette. 

"So Costia?" Clarke questioned "Are you two like? i don't know. Dating?" The blonde had to ask, she had to ask the question she wasn't even sure she wanted the answer to.

"No" Lexa said softly "Friends" 

"didn't you kiss?" Clarke questioned letting the relief flow through her body at the answer no. Instantly Lexa dropped her gaze between her hands fiddling like she always did Clarke watched her action and as much as she wanted to know she dropped it, not wanting to scare the girl in front of her. Lexa was speaking and communicating more than she normally does, although Lexa did communicate with her more than most anyway as they shared a room together. 

"Forget i asked that" Clarke smiled "You don't have to speak about anything you don't want to" She assured the brunette placing her hand on the girl's knee, she felt the brunette flinch slightly not expecting to be touched but then allowed it. 

"Do you want to watch a film?" Clarke questioned. She hated films but hey it couldn't hurt right.  

"oK" Lexa agreed itching the back of her neck. 

"Ok, im picking!" Clarke smirked pulling off the bed quickly and over to her DVD selection.

Clarke had scanned through the DVD's quickly deciding on a horror The Conjuring, it was one of her favorites that and she only really liked horror movies. She placed it in the DVD player quickly setting it up and closing the curtains  to darken the room

"You might want to sit on my bed with me" Clarke smiled "The TV's At a weird angle so you cant see it properly over there"

"Ok" Lexa said nervously moving over to Clarke's bed, followed by the blonde herself. Both sitting side by side shoulders touching one another and Clarke smiled at the contact, she didn't question why, she was fed up with questioning so instead, she allowed it as it warmed her body. 

---

The film took a while to get in to but just when Clarke was beginning to lose herself Lexa started jumping at everything, sometimes even when nothing was there but Lexa expected there to be and Clarke the hero that she is, just laughed.
"Awh" Clarke cooed "I'll protect you" she smirked gripping the brunettes hand with her own. Lexa allowed it instantly so Clarke didn't let go. 

"Shut up" Lexa almost wined with a little embarrassment feeling Clarke's thumb now rub back and forth soothingly. "I hate horrors" She admitted. 

"I've noticed" Clarke smiled softly Turning away from the screen looking into green eyes that was so close. "It's cute" She admitted. It slipped between her lips easily as she studied Lexa's face. She is just beautiful. Clarke thought. 
Lexa said nothing she just looked at Clarke, studying her like  the blonde was studying her.

At some point throughout the film the girls had relaxed in the same bed changing their sitting up positions in to a laying with their hands still entwined. When Lexa turned back to focus on the tv, Clarke let her eyes linger for a moment taking in Lexa's strong jaw bone, then her lips.
She wanted to kiss her, she couldn't deny it.  
She felt her throat and chest become heavy at the thought and had to look away, clamping her eyes closed to push it out from her mind.

Focus on the dam movie

//

Lexa hated horrors she hated them with a passion her heartbeat would always  pound in her chest while hiding behind a pillow when something was about to jump out or when the music changed or someone opened a mirror and closed it knowing something would be in the reflection. Normally she would just avoid them completely but Clarke had chose it so she didn't say a word, not that she would this was her room and her idea. When Lexa felt Clarke's head drop to her shoulder and her grip loosen on her hand she turned to face the blonde to find her fast asleep with heavy breaths. Instead of turning back to the screen Like Lexa knew she should she watched the sleeping blonde, she had hardly seen the blonde sleep as she was normally awake longer than herself. 

Clarke's lips parted slightly as she fell heavier unconscious.
The brunette raised her hand pushing the Falling hair around Clarke's face, feeling her soft smooth skin under her finger tips.
This was the girl she shared a room with. The girl who watched her have a panic attack in the bathroom. The girl who came to defend her against Murphy. This was Clarke. Clarke. The girl who helped her to dance, and sooth her to without out her even knowing it.

Lexa released a heavy unsteady breath unable to move her focus on the sleeping blonde Lexa was always sure of her feelings she knew her emotions she had kept her self to herself for to long to not understand her feelings to not study them till she could explain them piece by piece. She knew her walls were trembling beside her willingly when Clarke was around, even when she was unconscious her body allowed Clarke to soothe her. It scared her even more that she didn't want to move her hand from hers, she wanted to remain in the embrace with Clarke fast asleep on her, with her hand in her own. 
So she did, she watched the blonde sleep, she watched her breathe steadily, and flinch every now and again in a dream no doubt. 

She thought about the night before and the game they played, all day she hadn't been able to Get Clarke's eyes out her head as she had a body shot taken from her body, the blondes gaze never moved from hers the whole time and Lexa knows her mouth went dry. So very dry.
Not only was Clarke starring at her with her heavy eyes her body was nearly fully on view. Lexa couldn’t move, and she didn’t want to either.

Then there was the dance where Clarke held her close, her body was hot once more and as nervous as Lexa always became she felt comfortable she felt safe when she danced with Clarke like no one else could hurt them. That only scared her more, she doesn't grow attached to families but already she could feel herself slipping. Slipping with Clarke. 

Clarke jolted awake and Lexa being typical Lexa jumped even more than Clarke.

”sorry” Clarke muttered sleepily looking momentarily confused about her surroundings. “Hi” breathes relaxing back in position looking more sleepy than ever.

"Hey" Lexa replied thankful her hand that had been tracing the side of Clarke's face had been removed before she woke. "You're not very good at protecting someone" Lexa laughed remembering Clarke's words when she kept jumping through the movie, Which only made Clarke smile wider listening to Lexa just joke with her playfully without her initiating it at all. 

"you’re safe aren't you?” Clarke grinned squeezing Lexa's hand which was still on her's "I got you see" 

"You were asleep" Lexa smiled softly as she now sat up from the bed, she was to close to Clarke, way to close holding one another’s hand, so she had to sit up only making Clarke do the same still keeping a grip of the brunette's hand.  

"Resting my eyes actually" 

"the film finished over twenty minutes ago, I don't think that was resting your eyes and you didn't move" She laughed knowing she had caught Clarke

"Neither did you" Clarke added after a moment catching Lexa's green eyes with her own. Lexa wasn't expecting that instead once more she felt nervous, hot, anxious. She had allowed the blonde to sleep on her for quite some time, she didn't move and she didn't care and she had just confirmed that to Clarke. She didn't speak, didn't reply she just kept looking into blue like they looked back.

Clarke squeezed Lexa's hand between her own unable to tear her eyes away from green they were mesmerising. Lexa was beautiful. Everything about her, from her nervous fidgets, her fingers twiddling habit, her smile, her eyes, her lips. God her Lips. The blonde's eyes flickered down to them unable to stop herself.
She loved how full they were, how delicate and soft they looked they were the most appealing part of Lexa Clarke was sure of it. Her eyes flickered back to Lexa's clearly being caught but the brunette didn't move, the blonde was sure her eyes looked heavier. 

Did she want this? Clarke questioned herself allowing her eye's to shift back to her lips. The blonde painfully leaned in inching closer to the brunette, her eyes flickering to her eyes and lips repeatedly making sure she was ok, making sure this was ok, she still wasn't sure but Lexa didn't move, she remained still watching the blonde inch closer and Closer. Lexa released a heavy breath feeling Clarke so close, inches apart. The blondes breath hitched feeling the warm breath, feeling the body heat now radiating from Lexa so close. So very Close. 
The blonde licked her lips feeling them dry up completely wanting to kiss Lexa so bad, the ache pulling her closer and closer. Lexa’s eye's flickered closed as the blonde's lips were ready to touch..

"Dinners ready girls!" Abby shouted knocking on their bedroom door as they sprang apart. 

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