Chapter 4
Lost And Insecure!
Clarke griffin was never one to struggle with sleep, infact it was the complete opposite. Staying awake would always feel more of a challenge for the blonde, her head would hit the pillow and her eye lids would flutter close as if on auto drive, not that she complained she wasn't one to sit up watching movies, she barely watched movies at all. Her life consist of school, hanging out with her friends, drinking and partying weekends unbeknown to her parents.
Yet here she lay, wide awake listening to the thunderstorm from her bed, the sound of the branches tapping on her window with the howling wind.
The room was in complete darkness with only the moonlight seeping through the barely closed curtains directly on Lexa.
The Girl she had been staring at for the last thirty minutes.
"What am i doing" The blonde muttered covering her face with her hands turning to face the ceiling. "what am i doing" She repeated again barely a whisper not wanting to wake the sleeping brunette, yet the moment the blonde removed her hand's within a few seconds her gaze returned to Lexa sleeping. ‘Even in her sleep she is shifty'
Clarke's eyes traced down Lexa's features already seeing the black eye's appear, the end of her nose red and sore from force of the locker, but the blondes eyes kept tracing the girls features, catching her lips. ‘Curved, plump and moist' Clarke thought biting on her own lip blind to her own actions as she imagined how delicate they would be to touch.
"What am i doing!" Clarke mouthed once more, this time completely turning her back on Lexa, Clarke still couldn't help but wonder about the mystery brunette who now shares a room with her, she wondered on what life was like before she found herself at the griffin household, she wondered why she was always so nervous and jittery she also wondered why the girl fiddled with her tops so much. She was a mystery, a puzzle that Clarke was intrigued by.
"No... Stop!" Clarke quickly sat up at the unexpected shriek.
"Lexa" Clarke whispered already climbing out of bed, but pausing as she remembered last night and Lexa's reaction. Maybe she shouldn't, maybe she shoud just get back in bed and ignore the sweaty state Lexa was becoming as she gripped the pillow from beneath her head. Clarke couldn't just lay back down, no matter how much her head screamed 'retreat'
The second she placed herself on Lexa's bed she wasn't sure what to do, she just gazed at the beautiful brunette for a moment her light layer of sweat becoming more visible, her breathing more rapid than a few minutes ago with her hand gripped tightly to her pillow showing a clear display of her white knuckles. Clarke's hand moved willingly across the pillow stroking at the brunettes now balled up fist trying to sooth her with out waking her.
"It's ok" Clarke whispered before she had time to even stop herself, she wasn't sure where it was coming from, and she didn't question it Lexa was in distress she just wanted to help, she wanted to calm or sooth her, it's completely normal. She thought maybe she felt like she wanted to help her because her mother was a doctor and that's what she was brought up to do, help someone when in need.
Her thumb kept swiping back and forth against the smooth soft skin of Lexa's hand, and as the second's passed she watched Lexa's face feature's relax, her breathing steady while loosening her grip on her pillow, but Clarke didn't stop, she carried on swiping her thumb back and forth.
//
"Clarke"
The blondes eyelids flickered open unwillingly before the heaviness dragged them back down again, already falling back in to the land of sleep, her body was to heavy to move, and her eyelids to strong to bother fighting.
"Clarke" Lexa says softly once more not daring to touch the blonde she settled for leaning over the blonde making sure she could hear her. Clarke flickered her eyes open once more already feeling the heavy ache on her eyelids, they just needed to sleep, she just needed to sleep.
"Go away" Clarke mumbled burying her face under her pillow "It's to early" She groaned once more letting her eyes close again, nuzzling in comfortably the room filled with silence for a moment as Clarke was about to drift off when her eye's snapped open and she realised the voice was Lexa's.
She shot her head up from beneath the pillow eyes focusing on a already dressed Lexa.
"Hi" Clarke smiled innocently wondering what lexa wanted.
"Hi" Lexa smiled nervously quickly standing straight before dropping her head nervously "Um it's 8 o clock" She mumbled The blonde looked at her confused for a moment, before it clicked
"Shit!" Clarke snapped Shooting out of bed to get dressed "Why didn't my alarm go off?" she half questioned
"It did" Lexa said shyly
"It did?"Clarke questioned her back to the brunette as she quickly shoved any old clothes on not really having time to mix and match.
Lexa only bowed her head more as the blonde got changed in the room, not Letting Lexa's presence bother Clarke once.
"Um.. yh..you turned it off" Lexa admitted remembering the alarm waking both the girls only to earn a grunt from Clarkes mouth with a raise of the hand she swiped the alarm clock clear from her bedside cabinet knocking it on the flood before Clarke buried herself once more. "I think you broke it" Lexa smiled.
Her smile didn't go unnoticed. Clarke followed Lexa's eye line seeing the alarm clock smashed on the floor she could only smile herself.
"Well that's a first" Clarke smiled at the brunette sitting on her bed all dressed and ready "i swear i don't remember doing that at all" Clarke laughed truthfully.
The silence once again fell between both girl's, but Clarke could only explain it as more comfortable than it had felt before, she had lexa talking to her, smiling to and that in itself was improvement
"How did you sleep?" Clarke questioned already knowing exactly how Lexa slept, it was the big reason the girl was so exhausted this morning
"Good" Lexa smiled honestly.
"Good" Clarke smiled knowing that was only half the truth, as she sat up for a good hour making sure Lexa was ok, it was just her caring side coming out, her doctor urges as she liked to call it, after all that is what she wants to achieve in life.
"I should.." Lexa spoke nervously standing up heading towards the door
"I can give you a ride? i mean if you want a ride" Clarke offered, Not sure if she should have or not.
"I have a ride actually" Lexa smiled thankful for the offer.
"You do?" Clarke asked confused knowing Lexa don't own a car.
"yh.. Um..Costia" Lexa spoke knowing Clarke knew the girl "She offered" She finally admitted.
"Oh Cool" Clarke smiled watching the girl disappear.
The second Lexa disappeared Clarke could Only describe her smile as fake, and she didn't know why.
//
You know when you just wake up in the morning and you feel like you have never slept better, like every muscle in your body is at it's most relaxed and you just feel the most freshest you have ever felt, a little like when you have been running for miles and miles and you’re covered in horrible sweat then you step in a nice hot shower and just feel free after, that's how Lexa felt, from the second her eyelids fluttered open, she stretched every muscle at ease in her bed with out feeling stiff and rigid from the lack of sleep.
"You look different today" Costia beamed grabbing her bag from the car before making her way to Lexa's side, the other brunette already seemed at ease With the lack of talking on Lexa's behalf and it didn't seem to faze her, instead she continued to speak when Lexa didn't.
"You look more shiny or something" Costia grinned eyeing up the girl releasing a small giggle when Lexa dropped her gaze to the ground a little.
"Nervous? "Costia questioned on entering the school door's, not that lexa was going to answer the other brunette had already noticed Lexa's fiddling habit to keep her hands busy when she was nervous, scared or anxious. Lexa was fiddling rapidly with a tight grip to.
Costia lowered her hand to Lexa's tangling there fingers into one Lexa's head immediately snapped up her body as still as a board as she tried to remove her hand, body contact was not something she did, it's to close and to personal, Costia gripped tighter keeping her hand still.
"Relax" Costia said softly stepping a little closer "I'm not going to hurt you" she smiled honestly "You’re fiddling with your top aggressively, You're nervous" Lexa's body relaxed slightly but not completely every inch of her still wanted to pull her hand back clench it tightly so it couldn't be held again, her hand felt like it was on fire with a pulse with every step they took deeper in to the school.
"Oi Lexa" Some voice spoke firmly making Lexa look up in confusion at someone knowing her name, no one ever cared for the new girl, she was lucky if anyone could remember it on the second day. When her eye's met the wide smirk On Murphy's face who quickly stood in her path, the hallway fell instantly quieter as everyone ears tuned in.
"Shrek called" He smirked eyeing the brunette up and down with a smug grin "He want's his face back!" He roared in to laugher, her head bowing in embarrassment once more wishing she could just disappear for the third time in two days, and just as she was about to make her escape down the hall, Costia's hand squeezed tightly.
"mur..." Costia shut up as she was quickly interrupted.
"Then you better give it back to him Murphy" Lexa's eyes opened at the familiar voice, she knew that voice. Her eyes lifted and green fell on blue.
Clarke smiled, only a second at the fragile brunette, before turning her gaze completely on Murphy, while stepped closer making her way behind Murphy as she put her arm around his shoulder. Murphy's shoulders instantly relaxed once more as he smirked at Lexa.
"I just asked for it back" He laughed thinking Clarke was here to laugh along.
"Awhh" Clarke pulled at his cheeks mockingly like a baby "Have you looked in the mirror recently? "She questioned more seriously only making him frown pulling his jacket down in position better. "You see Murphy" Clarke's tone never faltered it was soft but mocking as she ushered the boy to look at lexa along with herself "Lexa's face here" she smiled looking at the brunette noticing her gaze was no longer on the floor "Is so much better than yours" She laughed as she wacked his back with the back of her hand.
The silence was replaced by small giggle's and sniggers once more and Murphy gritted his teeth and fist in anger.
"What's your problem" He said more quietly so the rest of the school couldn't hear through gritted teeth as he turned to the blonde.
"You" she said so simply crossing her arm's over her own chest
"Do you have fun making someone feel small?" She questioned "I can play you at your own game if you like?" She questioned seriously. "You're a bully" Clarke spat between gritted teeth
"Clark..." Murphy tried to reason, he looked confused and Lexa couldn't help but wonder why
"Don't Clarke me" the girl gritted her teeth "You Leave Lexa alone, infact don't even look at her" she stepped closer in to his person space. "You got that?" she questioned. "Or do you need help with that to?" She mocked his intelligence, pushing his limits and every button she could. Clarke couldn't deny she wanted to, she wanted to belittle him like he had lexa, and not only was she livid that he didn't learn his lesson by pushing the small brunette in to a locker, he had the cheek to carry on the next day.
Murphy stepped forward with hard features, and through teeth gritted.
"Listen" he snarled behind gritted teeth
"is everything OK here?" Another boy stepped in interrupting, glaring at Murphy as if warning him to back off.
"Everything's fine" Murphy finally spoke before turning away in a huff and walking down the hallway.
"What was that?" Finn questioned confused at the scene that just unfolded.
"He's just being a dick" Clarke spat "Finn..This is Lexa" She introduced the tall innocent looking lad
"Ah.. the foster kid" He said innocently but Lexa couldn't help but wonder what he already knew of her "Nice to meet you lexa" He smiled Lexa remained quiet with only a nod of the head. This hole thing felt awkward.
Costia next to her holding her hand squeezing it in reassurance, Clarke coming to defend her while introducing her to her boyfriend, along with the small stares they were getting and sniggers as they interacted. The blonde looked at the anxious nervous brunette in front of her, her head bowing her fingers flickering beside her in agitation, She also noticed her other hand entangled with Costia's her eyes couldn't help but stare for a moment. What's she holding hand's for? She quickly removed her gaze but lexa was already looking at her.
"Excuse me" Lexa blurted unable to hide how uncomfortable she was right now, releasing Costia's hand instantly and heading to the toilet.
"Lexa. Wait" Costia called after her before she could say anything else the brunette disappeared in to the lady's toilets.
"I got this" Clarke said softly before Costia could follow lexa, she turned to a concerned looking finn kissed his lips quickly before whispering "see you at break?" He nodded with a smile before Clarke headed to the toilets after Lexa.
When the bell rang through the halls signalling everyone to head to their classes Lexa was still in the bathroom struggling to breath as she gripped at her chest in a panic. As her breathing fastened more in to a panic she threw cold water across her face in hope it would help, but she only panicked more when it didn't. When she thought things couldn't get any worse her vision becomes blurry as her throat closes up while desperately trying to clutch on to anything, but no matter how many times she tries to calm down the panic overtakes it causing her eyes to clamp shut.
"Hey.. hey.. Lex" As lexa felt someones hands on either side of her face her eyes shoot open to see worried blue eyes starring back. Lexa closed her eyes once more unable to focus for to long as her chest got tighter and tighter.
"Look at me Lexa" Clarke demanded her grip never faltering. It took a moment but Lexa obliged "That's it." The blonde smiled "You need to calm down OK" Clarke confirmed
"Breathe in" Clarke ordered doing the action herself "And breathe out" She exhaled her own breath as Lexa began to copy, she focused everything on Clarke's breathing and mirrored her actions "Good...Keep doing that" Clarke barely whispered removing her hands from the girls face and dropping them to her forearm rubbing them gently up and down. Lexa felt her chest slowly opening up and more oxygen flowed through her lungs more easily.
"Thank you" she whispered after a long silence.
"Are you ok?" Clarke asked concerned and for the first time green eyes met blue and Lexa didn't bow her head, she remained still. Fascinated at how much she could see every emotion across Clarke's face and in the deep blue of her eyes, she was scared, worried and concerned.
"Your eye's are beautiful two" Lexa mumbled now watching the blue eyes turn to confusion.
"Thanks" Clarke eventually smiled remembering the comment she made to Lexa about her incredible green eyes.
Green eyes still didn't leave blue, they just stood silently looking at one another, and Clarke couldn't help but wonder if this had been the longest Lexa had kept her head up, not that she was complaining, she could see every feature for what they truly were, she could see every aspect of the girls face change when she moved or smiled, or even frowned, and yet Clarke wanted to know what she was thinking about, but she didn't ask.
"Do you want to go home?" Clarke finally offered "I mean i can take you, if you’re not feeling up to it?" the blonde offers
"Ill stay" Lexa replied but both of them felt like they were whispering to one another, Clarke's hands were still on Lexa's forearm's making sure she is OK, with green gazing in to blue.
"ok"
"Im going to stand out side" still speaking quietly she Felt Clarke's hands remove from her body, which was once a warm place, now replaced with cold air. "Get some air."
"Ok" Clarke moved back a little letting the girl be able to move to exit the bathroom "If anyone asks ill tell them you’re outstanding" Clarke eye's widen at her own stupid witty mouth. Fucking hell! However when Lexa laughed slightly Clarke forgot to care for a second.. She hadn't heard lexa laugh till now, and with that lexa mumbled a thanks before disappearing.
"What the fuck was that!!!" The blonde snapped aloud in to the empty girls bathroom looking at herself in the mirror. She felt like those words were on repeat in the last few days.
"get a grip griffin" She muttered splashing water in her own face, the blonde was completely oblivious to what was going on when Lexa was around, she had not a clue why she felt protective of the brunette.
//
Lexa watched on as the field began to fill like every break they had, she watched as the nerds huddled in a group together greeting one another as more arrived, they layed there laptops out or gathered around a phone as if something incredible was happening, then there was the skater kids with their skateboards, they would try and stay of the green wanting to skate along the ground up and down, some would race, some just flipping there skateboard and some engrossed in conversation with a pal. Then there were the boy's who liked to have a game of football, and kick the ball around, this was something that would happen every day, the team's would change of course as some days people would skip a game and return back to there group of friend's, sometimes it got heated and arguments would break out about a rule being broken, and so on. Then there was the popular group. Clarke's group.
They would sit under the tree, placed on a bench they mainly spoke laughed some would smoke. Lexa could only explain them as mix and match, through out the few days lexa had been at the school she had learnt that there group had abit of each group, Jasper was more of skater kid he proved his self worthy of a skateboard as she watched from a far many days ago, raven could have been part of the Nerd crew as in all her classes she was extremely clever especially with science which was one of the hardest classes. Bellamy was more of a football kind of guy, along with Fin, Clarke's boyfriend. Then there was Octavia, she was wise, funny and beautiful the hole school would crush on her in one way or another, much to Bellamy disapproval. Then there was Clarke.
Lexa couldn't explain Clarke, she was Just Clarke.
She admired how many different people could come together, befriend one another and stand by one another, she had met them all a few time's because of the blonde, each of them proved to be nice to the girl, but lexa knew it was only because of Clarke, and that was fine.
"Your brains ticking again" Costia announced finally placing a seat next to Lexa. "What we looking at today?" She questioned nicking a headphone from her ear and placing it in her own. "Your taste in music is terrible by the way!" she laughed.
Then there was Costia, the girl who defended her on the first day, the girl who sat with her repeatedly on school break's she didn't ask her to, nor did she complain. Costia accepted Lexa to be quiet, she didn't care she just filled the silence when needed, and lexa liked this. She admired the mousy haired brunette, she was a girl part of every group, every one wanted a part of her as she was the popular girl who had the best parties, daddy's money and a wild mind. She loved fun. Which is why lexa didn't know why the girl had grew so attached to her as she was the opposite. She was boring.
"You don't have to listen" Lexa smirked pulling the earphone from the girl's ear with a smile
"Someone's getting confident" Costia grinned loving the way Lexa would speak up sometimes, Costia never expected word's back but when she did her smile could only grow, she had a soft spot for the brunette, one she wouldn't admit to the timid girl.
"So are you coming tonight?" She questioned for the millionth time "I really want you to come" She pouted
"I don't do parties" Lexa repeated nervously which felt like the millionth time too.
"Please" Costia pleaded she could sense the tension build in Lexa's body every time she mentioned it, but she wanted her there she wanted to show her she can party and have fun, and dance. Maybe dance with her.
"Ok.." Lexa muttered nervously wishing she could take her word's back instantly
"Yes!" Costia cheered "I can pick you up"
"Ok" Lexa mumbled redirecting her gaze back over to Clarke... something she did more often than she would admit. But she was just Clarke.
She was the girl she shared a room with at home, the girl who stopped Murphy in his nasty tracks, she was the girl who calmed her in a mid panic attack. She was the girl who's eyes were blue, the eyes she could read.
But still, Lexa refused to unpack her stuff back at home, she knew she wouldn't be here long, even if she was sleeping better in the few days she had been here.
All this would be gone soon, and she would repeat the same action she could only be grateful this was her last year of school, and college would be next.
"Hi" Clarke says softly approaching the two sitting girls, Lexa was so lost in her own thoughts she didn't even know Clarke had walked over.
"Clarke!" Costia announced happily "You are coming tonight right?"
"Of course" The blonde smiled and lexa could only watch the action.
"Great...FINNNYYY BOOOYY!" Costia shouted over to the scrag-ally headed boy, he jogged over to Clarke's side all sweaty and panting from the game of football he was mid playing
"Yes my lady?" He teased with a grin
"i don't want to be catching you too in my bed this time!!" Costia snapped jokingly "Out of bounds got it!"
"Got it" Clarke said bowing her head, a little embarrassed Before looking up once more watching Lexa shift uncomfortably.
"Are you coming?" Clarke questioned her tone always softened with Lexa, as if she never wanted her words to cut through the girl. Lexa only nodded once not looking up from the ground as she pulled at the grass between her fingers. She's nervous Clarke thought.
"i Have nothing to wear" Lexa mumbled barely audible at all
"ill pick you up early!" Costia announced "You can get ready with me, i have loads" Costia placed a hand over Lexa's giving it a reassuring smile before whispering "I have no doubt you will look great"
Clarke's eyes flickered between the girls interaction, and couldn't help but wonder if something was going on between them, her eyes dropped to their entangled fingers the blonde crossed her arms across her chest as if protecting herself before swallowing hard. Her body felt Hot, and she didn't know why.
"You ok?" Fin questioned bumping his hip on the blonde
"Fine" She smiled, wondering what fin noticed for him to ask such a random question. She was fine. Wasn't she?