The Decision

Clarke was walking briskly down the hospital corridor, making her way to the locker room. After another grueling shift, she was so far passed beyond ready to go home, get something to eat and just crash – crash for days, if possible. The level of exhaustion that she was experiencing would have rivaled even the exhaustion that she felt during her years at medical school. She was just drained, in every possible way. Between work, her difficulty sleeping and the endless buzzing of memories that just kept flooding her mind – she was just done. She wanted to turn them off, really she did – but she just couldn’t. In fact, they had been pretty much constant from the moment that she had found herself face to face with Lexa again.

Stepping into the locker room, Clarke quickly undid the lock on her locker and began emptying the contents of her pocket onto the top shelf. Setting down her phone, she realized that she had a message from earlier that day, that she hadn’t noticed – and it was from Lexa.

Lexa: So, I had a visitor today.

Clarke felt her brow furrow. Perhaps that message was meant for someone else. Why would Lexa be telling her about her visitors? Not really knowing how to respond, she did the only thing that she could think of.

Clarke: ?
Lexa: Octavia.

Clarke’s eyes sharpened quickly. Well, what the fuck was this about? She had spoken to Octavia briefly about the confliction that she was feeling after her very embarrassing panic attack – but she hadn’t expected that Octavia would actually go and see Lexa.

Clarke: Dare I ask?
Lexa: Well, you know Octavia.
Lexa: She wants me to stay away from you.
Lexa: I need to know, is that what you want?
Lexa: I’ll understand, if it is. I don’t want to bring any unnecessary stress to you.

Clarke stared at the messages and frowned lightly. No. That wasn’t what she wanted. She knew that Octavia thought that it would be best, but still – it wasn’t what she wanted at all and damn it – Octavia knew that! Slamming her phone back into her locker she quickly changed out of her scrubs and made her way out of the hospital with only one destination in mind and unfortunately, it was not her bed.

“What the hell, O?” Clarke snapped the second Octavia opened the door.
Octavia rolled her eyes as she stepped aside. “She called you, didn’t she?”
“Texted,” Clarke said as she crossed the threshold into the apartment, “and of course she did.”
Octavia closed the door and turned to face her. “Really,” she shook her head. “I shouldn’t be surprised.”
“No, you shouldn’t” Clarke shook her head. “What did you say to her?”
“What difference does it make?” Octavia shrugged briskly as she leaned back against the door. “Obviously, she didn’t listen to me.”
“O,” Clarke growled, glaring lightly. “Why is she worried about causing me stress?”
“Oh, she’s actually worried about something?” Octavia’s voice with thick with sarcasm. “Didn’t think she had it in her.”
Clarke shook her head. “Why are you acting like you hate her?”
“I don’t hate her,” Octavia rolled her eyes again and pushed up off of the door. “Even she knows that.”
“Then what the hell?” Clarke dropped down on to the arm of the sofa.
“I’m still angry, okay?” Octavia snapped suddenly. “Clarke, I know how badly you got hurt, but on the flip side – you weren’t the only one,” she stepped forward. “I was hurt too – and how do you think it felt, having to watch my best friend, quite literally, fall apart or to watch Lincoln, loose the person in the world that he was closest to – someone who was like his sister,” she was ranting. “Damn it, we were a family and she walked out on all of us – not just you!”

Clarke sat stunned as her extremely exhausted mind tried to wrap itself around Octavia’s words. There was definitely truth to them, as strange as it sounded, on some level, everyone had been effected when Lexa just up and left. Everything had happened so fast and other than her, Lincoln and Anya, no one else had ever even gotten the chance to see her before she was just – gone.

“And the best part of it,” Octavia continued, clearly fuming, “is that she doesn’t even care, Clarke! Not about how she left all of us feeling, not how she hurt you – none of it. She’s completely unaffected.”
“You don’t know that,” Clarke shook her head.
“Really,” Octavia’s eyebrows raised sharply. “Has she apologized? Shown a single bit of remorse?”
Clarke felt her brow furrow. “Well, no,” she replied. “But, that doesn’t mean…”
“Clarke, I asked her,” Octavia cut her off. “I asked her – point blank, if she even cared about what she did and all she gave me that unamused, resting fucking bitch-face of hers. I’m telling you, though in some way, she may care about us, she does not care about how her choices affected us.”

At the words, resting fucking bitch-face, Clarke’s mind pulled her back to a something that she really didn’t want to remember.

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Lexa cupped her hands behind her back and set her jaw. “I’m leaving, Clarke,” she said simply.
Clarke blinked foolishly. “Wait, what do you mean?” She questioned, unable to hide the concern that showed in her voice. “Leaving for where?”
Lexa squared her shoulder and took a deep breath. “Bangkok,” she answered in short.
Instantly Clarke’s breath hitched in her throat as a panic that she had never known began to burn in her stomach. Something was wrong – it had to be. This didn’t make any sense. “What do you mean, Bangkok?” She questioned quickly. “What the hell is in Bangkok?”
“Business,” Lexa said firmly, her eyes unflinching. “My family is expanding there and they’ve offered me the opportunity to head their new division,” she smirked lightly.
“Hang on,” Clarke’s eyes widened in horror as the realization hit her. Had Lexa taken a permanent position, working for her parents – in Bangkok? “You didn't….is this…” she couldn’t find her words. “Did you…”
“Yes Clarke, I’ve already accepted it,” Lexa filled in the blank with a rather patronizing tone.
Clarke tried to focus her eyes, but the room seemed to spin around her as her heart rate increase and her voice suddenly failed. There was no way that this was happening.
“Now listen Clarke, I don’t expect you to like it – really, I don’t,” Lexa interrupted her again, her words dripping with superiority. “But, you do have to accept it.”
“Like hell I do!” Clarke fired back at her as her body began to tremble and tears started forming in her eyes.
“Why are you acting so surprised?” Lexa questioned her rather mockingly. “You always knew this would happen eventually.”
Clarke stared at her, feeling as though she’d been slapped. “This isn’t you,” she shook her head.
“It is me,” Lexa responded, her voice abnormally hard. “This is who I am, Clarke. I have spent my entire life preparing for this moment and now that it’s here, I am not about to pass it up for anything – or anyone.”
Clarke was frozen on the spot, her blue eyes wet and wide with disbelief.

This couldn’t be happening. It couldn’t! Lexa couldn’t be leaving. She wouldn’t. She loved her. She did. They were a part of each other, they needed each other – breathed for each other! How many nights they had laid awake, just fantasizing about their futures together? Planning them! No, it couldn’t just be over. It couldn’t! Clarke’s heart pounded so furiously in her chest that she was sure that it was going to give out at any moment.

And Lexa, how…? How could she just..?

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“No,” Octavia was still ranting. “She didn’t so much as flinch, until I lit into Anya.”
“Anya?” Clarke looked up at her. “What did you light into her about?”
Octavia bit the inside of her cheek and crossed her arms, looking suddenly conflicted.
“O?” Clarke eyed her carefully.
“The way that she always defends her – regardless of what she does,” Octavia finally answered. “And, I might have made a comment about Raven.”
Clarke stared at her and felt her jaw tighten. “What did you say?”
Octavia took a deep breath. “That given the chance, Raven would have really loved her,” she answered without looking at her.
Clarke closed her eyes and sighed. “You shouldn’t have,” she shook her head.
“I know,” Octavia’s voice came out small. “I was just angry, I mean, those two – I swear, they're just so frustrating.”

Clarke pushed her fingers through her hair. Everyone had been aware that there was something going on between Anya and Raven, regardless of how quiet they had kept it, it could still be seen. It was in the comments that they made to each other and about each other – in the stolen moments and adoring glances between them. They were falling in love, but then Lexa left and everything changed – Anya changed. Clarke sighed, remembering the day that it all came to a head and still feeling guilty about it.

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It was several months after Lexa had left and Clarke had found herself admitted into the hospital, suffering from server depression, exhaustion and dehydration. She had been trying to push though it – trying to fight it, but nothing seemed to work and eventually, she just cracked under the weight of it all. Losing Lexa had been like losing her very skin and it had left her more exposed than she had ever been and more broken than she ever thought possible.

As she laid in that bed with her eyes closed, just listening to the machines around her, voices from the hallway suddenly filled her ears.

“Cut the shit, Anya,” Raven said firmly. “Just give me her number already.”
“I can’t,” Anya replied stiffly. “I’m sorry.”
“Anya,” Raven practically growled.
“If she wanted you to have it, you would.” Anya told her.
“Who gives a shit what she wants?” Raven snapped quickly, the frustration obvious in her voice. “Ugh. Fine! Then you call her.”
“It won’t matter,” Anya responded evenly. “She’s not going to come back.”
“She might,” Raven retorted with irritation, “if she actually knew what the fuck was going on.”
“She won’t,” Anya’s tone hardened some.
“Anya, look at her – she’s falling apart,” Raven hissed at her. “What the hell is wrong with you? How can you just stand there and do nothing?”
“I’m here, aren’t I?” Anya countered instantly. “I’m doing what I can, Raven.”
“Which is nothing!” Raven spat at her angrily. “No, let me rephrase – you’re doing is exactly what you’ve been doing ever since Lexa left – acting like a fucking barrier.”
“That’s not true,” Anya responded, sounding slightly stung.
“It is,” Raven fired back at her. “Ever since she left, you’re just so – you’ve become like a…and now, you won’t even...” whatever she was trying to say became swallowed by her obvious frustration.
“I’m sorry,” Anya’s voice came out softer, smaller somehow.
"Yeah," Raven scoffed harshly. "Except that you're not."

Clarke just laid there, trying not to listen, but unable to stop herself at the same time. It had been obvious that things had become strained between the two of them them over the last couple of months and right at that moment, what Raven was saying, was not entirely untrue. Everyone knew that Anya was still in touch with Lexa – of course she was, they were family after all, but damn it if she didn’t adamantly refuse to help any of them get in touch with her.

“I don’t want to do this anymore, Anya.” Raven finally stated, her voice cracking slightly as she apparently reached her breaking point.
“Raven,” Anya started, her voice clearly shaking.
“Please,” Raven croaked, clearly holding back tears, “please just go.”

*********************************************************************************************************************************************

Clarke shook her head. Knowing Lexa and Anya’s relationship, as she did, she was pretty sure that Anya’s position on the whole thing had little to do with her, and all to do with Lexa and that was something that just broke her heart. What had happened between her and Lexa was bad enough, but to have the strain of it ruin those two as well, that was just something that was so - wrong and though it had been obvious to her and Octavia that the whole thing had hit Raven really hard, she adamantly denied it. Still, everyone could tell that she was different afterward – they both were and though Anya never severed ties with any of them, her interactions did lessen more and more as time passed.

“Look, I get that you care about her – I do,” Octavia finally spoke. “Fuck, we all still do. Like you said - you can't choose who you care about, but if you’re really going to get on this ride again – please, at least open your eyes.”
“So, you think that I was just blind last time?” Clarke’s eyes went wide.
“Clarke, we were all blind,” Octavia replied instantly. “What I’m saying, is that I think that you’re choosing to be blind this time,” she explained. “Open your eye and see her for who and what she really is.”
Clarke just stared at her. She did see Lexa for who she really was – she always had, or so she thought.
“And get some fucking sleep,” Octavia added after a moment. “You look like hell.”
“I’m exhausted,” Clarke acknowledged with a nod. “I planned on crashing right after my shift, but then…” she shrugged.
“Alright, well, take your ass there now.” Octavia nudged her. “We’ll need you good and rested for tomorrow night.”
Clarke blinked and looked at her.
“We’re all going out, remember?” Octavia said giving her a quizzical look. “God, you do need sleep. Monty’s promotion, ring any bells?”
“Shit,” Clarke breathed. “I totally forgot.”
“Home, bed - now,” Octavia pointed at the door.
Clarke nodded and got to her feet.
“Just think about what I said, okay?” Octavia said as she pulled her into a hug.
Clarke nodded into her shoulder and left without another word.

The following night, after receiving a significant amount of sleep, Clarke felt much better. Though her head was still feeling quite full, she was definitely thinking clearer than she had been and now, she was so ready to go kick back a few – or more than a few and spend some time with her people. Unfortunately though – fate, it seemed, had other plans.

Crossing the threshold into their third bar of the evening, Clarke froze as her eyes fell on Lexa. She was standing at the bar, looking rather rigid, with Anya and two other women that Clarke didn’t recognize. Of all the bars in town – seriously? Considering the level of alcohol that was already burning in her veins and the number of thoughts bouncing around in her head, Clarke quickly made a conscious choice to simply try to avoid them. However, a little while later as she stood at the bar, waiting for another drink, fate decided to intervene again.

“Clarke?” Lexa stopped in her tracks and smiled lightly. “I didn’t expect to run into you tonight.”
“Do you regret it?” The question simply rolled off Clarke’s tongue without thought.
“Excuse me?” Lexa’s brow furrowed slightly.
“Leaving the way that you did,” Clarke clarified, deciding to just go with it. “Going to Bangkok – any of it.”
Lexa clenched her jaw and shook her head as her entire demeanor visibly changed. “Clarke, I’m not doing this with you,” she responded firmly.
“Why not?” Clarke questioned, leaning her hand against the bar.
“Because, there’s nothing to gain from it,” Lexa answered simply. “And, you’re obviously drunk,” she added before turning and walking away.
Clarke stood there for a moment, just feeling drunkenly dumbfounded, until her anger kicked in. “Just answer the question,” she said as she caught up with her.
“What is the point, Clarke?” Lexa spun around to face her. “It’s been six years. It doesn’t matter.”
“Are you kidding me?” Clarke glared at her angrily – ignoring the fact that all of their friends and even a few strangers were watching. “I’m sure by now, you’ve picked up enough to grasp how your decision affected people.”
“Yes – my decision,” Lexa snapped quickly, her eyes hardening. “I made a decision – a decision that to this day, I still stand by.”
Clarke took a step back and just stared at her – clearly, she had touched a nerve.
Anya took a step forward cautiously. “Lexa…”
“I told you, I’m not doing this with you,” Lexa repeated firmly, without shifting her gaze away.
“Just – tell me if you would make the same choice again?” Clarke practically pleaded, feeling her eyes starting to moisten. “Please?”
Lexa swallowed hard and continued to stare at her. “Without hesitation,” she finally answered and then walked out of the bar without another word.
Anya set her glass on the bar and with a heavily weighted look and followed.

Clarke blinked several times, trying to get her hazy mind to absorb it all, but at that moment, there was only one dominating thought. Octavia was right - she was right and now, she could finally see Lexa for who she really was and though it broke her heart to realize that Lexa had turned out like her parents after all – it wasn’t going to break her. Not this time.

The rest of the night became nothing more than a blur and to her surprise, when Clarke awoke in her bed the following morning, she actually didn’t feel like death. In fact, all things considered, she actually felt pretty good - better than she had in a while. Picking up her phone, she stared down at the messages from Lexa from a couple of days before and bit her lip.

Lexa: She wants me to stay away from you.
Lexa: I need to know, is that what you want?
Lexa: I’ll understand, if it is. I don’t want to bring any unnecessary stress to you.

Clarke contemplated for a moment and then finally, fired off a response.

Clarke: Space is probably best.

Climbing out of the bed, Clarke set her phone back on the nightstand and quickly made her way toward the kitchen, desperate for a nice cup of coffee, but then stopped when her eyes found Wells sitting at the table.

“Hey,” Clarke smiled at him and continued her way to the coffeemaker. “What are you doing?”
“Waiting for you,” He smiled back. “I think we should talk.’
“About what?” Clarke asked as she poured herself a cup of coffee.
“Us,” Wells answered simply.
Clarke turned and looked at him curiously. “What about us?” She asked as she went and sat at the table with him.
Wells smiled warmly. “I think that maybe we should reconsider getting married,” he told her.
Clarke shook her head, totally taken by surprise. “What? Why?”
“Well for starters, because, you’re in love with Lexa,” Wells answered, without a hint of anger in his voice.
Clarke’s eyes went wide with shock. She had never told him about Lexa. How the hell did he know about her?
“You cry for her,” he explained gently, “in your sleep. I’ve tried to just ignore it – I didn’t want to know, but after witnessing your reaction to seeing her again,” he shook his head.

Clarke felt her heart clench at his words. She wanted to deny it, she did, but she couldn't. Honestly, it made sense. For years, she had put a lot of effort into not consciously thinking about Lexa, naturally when her subconscious was in control the truth would show.

“Lexa and I have a very complicated history,” Clarke shook her head and shrugged.
“Yes,” Wells nodded. “I’ve basically concluded that much.”
Clarke sighed. “You really don’t have to feel threatened by it,” she assured him.
“That’s the thing though,” Wells smiled. “I don’t feel threatened. I actually almost feel like, maybe she’s back here for a reason.”
Clarke continued to stare at him, feeling totally baffled that this conversation was even taking place.
“You know that I love you, Clarke.” Wells continued calmly. “However, you can’t deny that we are – very different people.”
Clarke took a deep breath. “You’re right,” she nodded. “I can’t deny that.”
“These last few days, I’ve been wondering if perhaps Lexa showing up here was a way to stop us from doing something that – somewhere down the road,” he said carefully, “maybe we’d both end up regretting.”
Clarke swallowed hard and tried to take in his words. “So, that’s it?” She questioned with a weak shrug. “We’re just over?”
“Well, I think that’s what we’re going to figure out,” he smiled kindly.