The Decision

Lexa glanced around her apartment at the mass of boxes that were just stacked haphazardly about. She had had both her father’s office and his home study boxed up and brought to her and she had been spending practically every free moment that she had combing through every single bit of it. The deeper she dug into it all though, the more frustrated and angrier she found herself becoming and unfortunately, everyone was suffering for that. Well, that and maybe something else too.

It had been almost a month since she had received the text message from Clarke telling her that space would probably be best - a month, and though she couldn’t deny that it saddened her, she honored the words on the screen and didn’t even reply. If Clarke thought that space would be better, then that was exactly what she was going to give her. She had meant what she had told her prior to, she didn’t want to add any stress to her life – that was never her intention, but little by little it had become pretty apparent that that was exactly what was happening. So space.

Lexa threw herself into her work, filling her schedule with board meetings, video conferences, interview and anything else that she could possibly think or to fill her time and take away the urge to text Clarke back. Though they had only been back in contact for a short span of time, and that time had been slightly messy, there was no denying that she already missed being able to talk to her again.

Hearing her door open, Lexa clenched her teeth and swallowed hard, already knowing who it was that was coming in. “What can I do for you, Anya?”
Anya dropped her purse down on to the couch and crossed the room toward the bar. “Stop being such an insufferable jackass,” she responded rather harshly as she poured herself a drink.
“I beg your pardon,” Lexa narrowed her eyes quickly.
Anya turned to face her. “I just got off the phone with the branch manager from Tampa,” she paused and took a sip of her drink. “Did you really have to berate him, so?”
“He dropped the ball,” Lexa replied flatly as she returned her attention to her work.
“His intern made a mistake,” Anya corrected her quickly. “A mistake, Lexa and one that, might I add – was totally correctable.”
“He still has a job,” Lexa responded without looking up. “He should be grateful for that.”
“Enough already,” Anya said loudly as she slammed her glass down on the bar. “Are you even hearing yourself?”
Lexa shook her head again and closing her eyes, felt her mind drift at those words.

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She had been placed in charge of a very large project by her father – it was a test of sorts or a conditioning exercise, at least, that was how she saw it - that was how it felt. It was a way for him to see how she handled, not only the task, but herself, the people under her and most importantly, anything that got in her way of succeeding. Unfortunately, to test her further, he had also given her a team that could barely be considered reliable and so far, she had been left with no choice but to adopt some of her father’s more unattractive methods and honestly, they were really taking a toll on her.

Slamming down her phone after having just spent the last ten minutes brutally ripping into one of the members of her team, Lexa took several calming breaths and looked up to find Clarke sitting up on the couch with her knees against her chest and a somber look in her eyes.

“Are you alright?” Lexa asked, placing her hands on the desk.
“It’s just hard to listen to you sometimes,” Clarke shrugged lightly, looking almost pained.
“I know,” Lexa nodded, her face instantly bending into a heavy frown. “But, I tried doing this my own way – you know that I did and it wasn't working.”
“So, your solution is to demean and frighten the people on your team?” Clarke questioned her firmly. “Like, are you even hearing yourself? You sound just like…” she broke off and shook her head, looking almost disgusted.
Lexa swallowed hard and looked down at her hands. She knew exactly who she sounded like and she hated it, but she had to seal this deal – she had to and if acting like her parents did that, as much as she hated it, she’d do it. “Look, I know that you don’t get it, but I can’t…”
“Are you kidding? I know what’s at stake for you – of course I get it,” Clarke snapped as she got to her feet. “Look, I’m just going to go.”
“No. Clarke, wait,” Lexa tried as she rounded the desk quickly. “Please, don’t go.”
“Lexa, I have to,” Clarke shook her head with a sadness showing in her eyes. “I love you – you know that I do, and even though I know that this isn’t really you, I can’t be around you when you’re acting like it is,” she inched forward and pressed a light kiss on her lips. “I just can't.”

Lexa stood rooted on the spot, just watching her go. She couldn’t be angry or even blame her for wanting to leave. While to her, or rather, in her world, the harshness that she had been using was far from uncommon - to Clarke, it was just something that couldn’t be tolerated or even stomached.

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Lexa shook the thoughts from her head, not willing to think about anything that was connected to Clarke.

“Listen, I know that you’ve been wearing this mask for really a long time,” Anya said with slight sigh, “but now, it’s time to take it off – for good.”
“I don’t know that you’re talking about,” Lexa responded instantly and shook her head.
“You do,” Anya scolded her quickly. “You, are not like this. You, are not this stone cold, hurtful person, but you keep pretending that you are.”
Lexa felt a sting in her words that pricked at her skin like thorns. “I do what I have to do, Anya,” she said as she got to her feet. “You know that better than anyone.”
“Oh, so you just had to be such an asshole at the bar last month,” Anya bit back quickly.
“This again,” Lexa sighed and rolled her eyes. “Yes, yes I did.”

She had told Clarke that she wouldn’t get into it with her. She had told her, but Clarke kept pushing. If being an asshole was the only way to get her to drop it – then so be it. It wasn’t up for discussion – period. Why she did it – how she felt about it – none of it. It happened. It was over. It was done. It didn’t matter. It needed to be left alone.

“Why though?” Anya questioned her quickly. “That was the perfect opportunity to tell her the truth.”
“Yeah,” Lexa laughed lightly, “The perfect opportunity to tell her something, that might actually be bullshit, in front of a bunch of strangers no less.”
“Bullshit?” Anya’s brow furrowed instantly. “Lexa, you know that it’s not bullshit. It happened.”
“But I can’t prove it,” Lexa snapped without thinking about it and winced at her own words.
“Is that what this is all about?” Anya’s eyes narrowed as she looked around the apartment. “You think that they wouldn’t believe you?”
Lexa shook her head, working her jaw. “Why would they?"
“Lexa, if you would just talk to them, they would believe you.” Anya shook her head. “They know that you’re a lot of things, but you’re not a liar.”
“Aren’t I?” Lexa scoffed and rolled her eyes. “Isn’t that exactly what this has turned me into?”
“No,” Anya replied firmly as she took a step forward. “Who you are has nothing to do with the fact that you lied. You want to know who you really are? Then look to why you did it. That's, who you are.”
Lexa crossed her arms, willing the words to not affect her. “Still can’t prove it,” she said through her gritted teeth.
“So, we’ll find proof then,” Anya said with a shrug as she glanced around.
“There isn’t any,” Lexa told her firmly.
“There has to be something,” Anya countered quickly. “You saw it.”
“It doesn’t matter," Lexa responded as she poured herself a drink. “Even if I found something, you and I both know that I wouldn’t do anything with it anyway.”
“Lexa,” Anya practically groaned. “You have been given a second chance here. Don’t let it slip away because of your fucking pride!”
“My pride? Is that what you think this is about?” Lexa bit back fiercely. “She’s engaged, Anya and I won't…”
“Actually, she’s not.” Anya cut her off almost smugly as she crossed her arms.
Lexa froze on the spot, the glass she was holding slipping from her grip and shattering against the floor.
“Amicable split, from what I understand.” Anya explained. “I ran into Raven,” she added after a short pause.

Lexa walked back to her desk and dropped back down into her chair, feeling guilt quickly pooling in her belly as the information played over and over in her head.

“You can tell her,” Anya said as she rounded the desk and leaned against it. “You can tell them all.”
Lexa just shook her head.
Anya released a frustrated sigh as she ran her fingers briskly against her scalp. “Okay. Fine,” she nodded. “How about this, we see what we can find and then you can decide what, if anything, to do with it.”
Lexa worked her jaw again. “What if it was a bluff?” Her thoughts escaped her mouth on their own. “What if it was all for nothing? What if I hurt her like that – all of them, for nothing?”
“Stop it,” Anya scolded her again. “You know that it wasn’t a bluff. You saw it with your own two eyes. Stop doubting your own fucking memories.”
“I saw a piece, Anya and now there’s not even a trace,” Lexa reminded her firmly, motioning at the surroundings.

Anya leaned back and thought for a moment before getting up and leaving the room. When she returned, only a few minutes later, she carrying a very familiar laptop.

“I’ve already tried,” Lexa sighed and shook her head. “It’s locked up tighter than Fort Knox.”
Anya stared at her. “I know someone who could unlock it,” she smirked, popping her eyebrows.
“No!” Lexa bellowed as she jumped to her feet. “If there’s anything in there, she’ll see it. She’ll know!”
“Good,” Anya responded instantly. “Look, you can’t change what happened, but damn it, maybe you can finally explain why it had to,” she pulled out her phone. “It’s probably going to cost you though, and I don’t just mean your pride,” she added as she began composing a text. “Besides, who says she even needs to know who it belongs to or that it’s for you?”
“You’ll tell her,” Lexa stated knowingly.
“If it means that we can get into that laptop,” Anya paused and looked at her. “You’re damn right,” she finished before firing of the message and setting the phone on the desk between them.

Anya: Hacker, I have a proposition for you.
Raven: I’m not a hacker.
Anya: Perhaps not, but you are brilliant, and have the knowledge.
Raven: Stop trying to flatter me, Anya. What the hell do you want??
Anya: I have a laptop. I need it unlocked. You unlock it. I pay.
Raven: How much?
Anya: $1000.00
Raven: Well, damn.

“I think we just bought ourselves a hacker,” Anya grinned down at the screen.

Raven: Whose laptop?
Anya: That’s irrelevant.
Raven: Not to me.
Anya: Lexa's.
Raven: Bullshit. Lexa's too smart to lock herself out of her own computer.
Raven: Spill.

Anya paused and glanced at her. “Take a breath,” she said firmly.
Lexa closed her eyes and opted to swear under her breath instead.

Anya: Titus Woods.
Raven: Nope. Not interested.
Raven: If Lexa needs help accessing Daddy's precious information, she can find someone else to do it.
Anya: $2000.00
Raven: I hate you.
Anya: I know.
Anya: Now bring your sassy ass over to Lexa’s place.

Lexa got to her feet and walked to the bar to pour a fresh drink.
Anya came up behind her. “It going to be okay,” she assured her softly. “Raven’s brilliant. She’ll get in and if what you’re looking for is in there, she’ll find it. If not, it still doesn’t change why you did it.”
Lexa shook her head and took a long sip of her drink as she wrestled internally with the fact that this was actually happening.
“Just try to relax,” Anya told her firmly. “You really have nothing to lose here - if anything, you have everything to gain.”
Lexa shook her head again, feeling a pressure building up inside of her. “I can’t be here for this,” she finally said as she walked toward the door. “I’m going to go take a walk.”

The moment that her feet hit the street, Lexa felt the world around her press in on her. Granted, it was true that she had actively been looking for proof, but at the same time, the lack of it wasn't the only reason that she didn't want to talk about it. It was a weighted topic that stirred up too much emotion in everyone and revealing the facts about what really happened that night wouldn't change the outcome. She knew that Anya was probably right and that she should finally tell them the why she did it, but she couldn't. She just couldn't. Yes, part of it was her pride, that much was true too, but the other part boiled down the fact that it was honestly too much for her. It was just too much.

Sighing heavily, Lexa pushed her hair out of her face and quickly crossed the street while her insides suddenly burned with confliction. If Raven was actually able to access that laptop and find the information she was looking for, the tables were going to turn again and she would quickly find herself facing yet another decision.

Whether or not to share it.