The Decision

Lexa was sitting at her desk, yet again, combing through a mountain of paperwork as Anya prepared lunch for them in the kitchen. The day, so far, had been long and grueling, but the two were doing their best to get through as much as they could – even with Lexa constantly spacing out.

After witnessing Clarke’s panic attack the previous night, Lexa found that she could barely think of anything else. She hadn’t planned on running into Clarke, Lincoln and Octavia or meeting Wells – she was only there to have dinner and go over some things with Anya, but fate, it seemed, enjoyed torturing her. Though she was bitter about the fact that she had run into them all, again – she was also grateful, because had she not, then she wouldn’t have been able to help Clarke through what appeared to be an absolutely awful and painful attack.

A knock at the door suddenly caught her attention and Lexa got to her feet and crossed the room. As she pulled the door open, her feet immediately took her back a step.

“Octavia,” Lexa said as she squared her shoulders.
“Scared?” Octavia questioned with a grin as she popped an eyebrow at her.
Lexa’s hands went up, one finger pointing to her busted eyebrow and another to her split lip.
“Fair enough,” Octavia reasoned with a nod. “Though, I would recommend at least one more step back – I have a really good reach.”
Lexa took another step back and then one to the side, silently motioning for Octavia to come inside.

As she crossed the threshold, Lexa took a deep breath. This wasn’t going to be pleasant and she knew it. Octavia had always been the mother bear type, and though she technically hadn’t done anything wrong, she had no doubt that Octavia was about to take a bite out of her.

“What can I do for you, Octavia?” Lexa asked as she closed the door.
“Stay away from Clarke,” Octavia answered simply as she turned to face her. “She doesn’t need you filling her head with your bullshit – again.”
Lexa took a deep breath and tightened her jaw. “You really think low of me,” she nodded. “Don’t you?”
“You’re damn right I do,” Octavia’s eyes flashed with anger. “I think you get off on it. Using people. Hurting them, and then throwing them away like garbage.”
Lexa swallowed hard, but said nothing.

She knew that there was nothing that she could say – nothing that was going to change Octavia’s opinion of her. Oh, she could argue it, but in the end, she’d still just have to accept it. While on some twisted level, she knew that she and Octavia were still friends, she also knew that that friendship was not free and she had left behind a massive debt.

“Clarke loved you – she trusted you and you hurt her deeper than anyone ever could,” Octavia continued. “You used her to fill your time at school and then tossed her away like she was just some whore – not capable of meeting your ridiculously high lifestyle standards.”
“Watch your mouth,” Lexa warned her angrily as she took a step forward, feeling her body temperature climb.
“You know,” Octavia shook her head, looking at her with nothing but disdain. “I actually believed you that night. How foolish was I?”
Lexa took a deep breath. She didn’t need to ask what Octavia was referring to – her mind was already taking her back there.

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They were hanging out at Monty’s and Lexa was sitting in a chair, just watching Clarke playing beer pong on the other side of the room with Raven, Bellamy and Jasper. It was so easy to get lost in watching her. It filled her with a comforting warmth and brought her such peace and every time that Clarke would smile, she couldn’t help the smile that crossed her lips. It was infectious and devastating and Lexa was reveling in every moment of it.

They had been dating for a while and though Lexa had already made it known to Clarke how much she meant to her, she hadn’t actually said the words to her yet. It wasn’t that she didn’t feel it. In fact, she felt it so strongly, that she was sure one day her heart was simply burst and just burn a hole right though her chest. No, it wasn’t that she didn’t feel it, it was just that she wasn’t sure how to tell her.

“You really do care about her, don’t you?” Octavia said as she dropped down into the seat next to her.
Lexa nodded.
“It shows,” Octavia told her, “in your eyes.”
“Aren’t you observant?” Lexa joked back.
“I have to be,” Octavia simply shrugged. “These are my people and your girlfriend happens to be one of my favorite bitches.”
Lexa grinned. She knew that Octavia was using the term with affection and not as slander. “She’s special,” she told her quietly.
“She says the same about you,” Octavia said as she leaned against the arm of the chair. “Have you told her yet?”
Lexa shook her head, still keeping her eyes on Clarke.
“Why not?” Octavia questioned her curiously.
Lexa took a deep breath and looked down at her hands.
“You know that this isn’t a game to her, right?” Octavia questioned her again.
Lexa looked at her. “It’s not a game to me either,” she told her firmly. “It’s just hard to find the proper words. I’ve never known anyone like Clarke and I’ve never felt the things that she makes me feel. I honestly wasn’t even certain that I was capable, before her.”
A warm smile stretched across Octavia’s face. “The words are simple,” she shrugged again. “Hell, there’s only three of them.”
Lexa grinned again. “They’re not enough,” she shook her head lightly. “They’ll never be enough.”
“Trust me, Lexa,” Octavia said as she got to her feet and smiled at her again. “They’re more than enough.”

As Octavia walked away, Lexa returned her gaze to Clarke and began to watch her again, feeling that comfortable warmth filling her chest once more.

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“I was honest with you,” Lexa told her through her gritted teeth.
“Right,” Octavia scoffed and rolled her eyes. “Just stay away from her.”
“That’s not what she wants,” Lexa countered her quickly.
“Well, it’s what she needs,” Octavia fired back at her. “How can you not see what you are doing to her?”
“Octavia, I’m not doing anything to her.” Lexa insisted angrily.
“You being here,” Octavia told her pointedly, “is doing everything to her.”
“So, what would you like me to do?” Lexa questioned her rather harshly. “Leave the state?”
“The country would be better,” Octavia answered quickly as she crossed her arms.
Lexa shook her head. “Well, that’s not going to happen,” she responded with a scoff.

It wasn’t. Lexa had waited too long to come home and she wasn’t about to leave again. It wasn’t her fault that Clarke still lived in the area – it wasn’t like she had even known that when she came back. Not that it would have changed her mind about it anyway. This was her home and she had every right to be here. She hadn’t sought out Clarke – it wasn’t her fault that their paths had kept crossing.

“Everything alright?” Anya suddenly appeared behind them.
Lexa turned and looked at her. “Fine,” she answered simply.
“Do you even care about what you did?” Octavia asked. “Like, are you even capable? Does it affect you at all?”
Lexa turned and looked at her, keeping her stony facade in place, she cupped her hands behind her back and set her jaw, but said nothing.
“It doesn’t, does it?” Octavia laughed and shook her head.
“Octavia,” Anya took a step forward.
“And you!” Octavia turned on her. “How can you constantly defend her?! You saw the damage that she caused! She hurt – everyone. It wasn’t just Clarke, it was all of us – my husband! You saw it!”
“She’s my cousin,” Anya defended quickly as she too stiffened her features.
“And you’re apparently just as heartless as she is,” Octavia rolled her eyes and walked toward the door. Once her hand was on the knob, she paused and turned back, locking her eyes with Anya’s. “You know, given the chance, Raven would have really loved you,” she told her pointedly. “At least she was lucky enough to dodge that bullet, unlike Clarke.”

Lexa saw Anya’s sharpened features slip as a sadness showed in her eyes. It only took a second, but it was enough to make Lexa’s heart wrench. She stepped in front of her and glared at Octavia. “You need to leave,” she practically growled. “Now.”
“I mean it, Lexa,” Octavia said as she opened the door. “Just stay away from her. It’ll be better for both of you.”
Lexa took a step forward. “Get out,” she said firmly and just like that, Octavia was gone.

Lexa stood keeping her back to Anya as she tried to reel herself back in. She could feel her body trembling, her emotions were way too close to the surface. She had known. She had known that there was something growing between Anya and Raven. She had seen it – all of the tiny stolen moments and it broke her heart to know that whatever might have been, became nothing more than a casualty to the chaos that she left behind.

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“Hey,” Lexa said as she felt Clarke’s arms wrap around her waist from behind.
“Hey,” Clarke mumbled as she dropped a light kiss onto her neck. “What are you doing out here?”
“I was looking for Anya,” Lexa answered.
“Did you find her?” Clarke asked as she tightened her grip a little.
“Oh,” Lexa chuckled lightly. “I found her,” she nodded across the yard to where Anya and Raven were.

They stood there for a moment, watching the pair speak in hushed voices, before Anya brought her hand up and touched Raven face tenderly.

“Come on,” Lexa said as she turned them back towards the house. “Let’s give them some privacy.”
“Are we that gross?” Clarke joked as she followed.
“I don’t know,” Lexa shrugged as she intertwined their fingers. “Maybe?”
“God, I hope so,” Clarke said as she dropped her head down onto her shoulder.
Lexa grinned. “You’re such a dork,” she shook her head.
“Maybe,” Clarke shrugged, “but, you love me anyway.”

As soon as the words had left Clarke’s lips, Lexa felt her stiffen.

“I’m sorry,” Clarke said quickly as she picked up her head and stopped walking. “I don’t know why I said that. I didn’t mean…” she seemed so flustered. “It just…”
“Clarke,” Lexa said as she brought her hand up to her cheek and stroked it adoringly. “That is only one of the many reasons why,” she told her calmly, “I love you.”
Clarke looked up at her and her face lit up. “You love me?”
Lexa smiled warmly and nodded.
“I love you, too.” Clarke told her quietly as her eyes misted over. “So much,” she added as she leaned forward.
“Me too,” Lexa whispered just before meeting her lips.

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It was wrong. It was so wrong and it wasn’t fair. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. Not for her and Clarke, not for Anya and Raven – not for any of them. But, fate was a fickle, fickle friend, and their cards had long since been dealt, ties were severed and bridges burnt. All that they could do now was move forward, but even the knowledge of that fact, didn't take away the aching in Lexa's heart.

“Anya,” Lexa said as she turned to face her. “I’m so s…”
“Don’t,” Anya cut her off and shook her head. “Please, don’t.”
“But, I…” Lexa tried again but her words became lost somewhere in her frustration.
“Lexa, you don’t owe me anything, and certainly not an apology.” Anya told her plainly. “You’ve done right by me – by us all.”
“It doesn’t seem that way,” Lexa sighed as she stuffed her hands into her pockets.
“It might, if you’d actually tell them the truth,” Anya replied matter-of-factly. “If not, they’re just going to continue to hate you.”
Lexa considered her words for a moment as she clenched her jaw and swallowed hard. “Let them,” she responded firmly.