The Decision

Clarke jumped into her car and quickly turned over the ignition. What the fuck? She needed to get out of there. She needed to get out of there now. A few moments later, as she sat at a red light, she firmly pressed her head back into the headrest of her seat with her mind reeling. What the hell happened? Everything had been going so good. They were just having a pleasant breakfast and then the next thing that she knew, all hell had broken loose. Lexa had gotten so angry so fast and then she just walked out. She just walked out! Again! How could she do that? How could she just toss some money on the table like it was nothing and simply walk away? God! It was just, infuriating!

Somewhere, deep inside, Clarke knew that she had been aching to kiss Lexa, even more so after she’d realized that someone else had been on her. That much, she could admit to herself. It was wrong and she knew it, however, regardless of the ache, she had absolutely no intention of actually doing it. It just happened so fast. She just got so upset, so caught up, and it just happened. She needed to get home. She needed to sort this out, and now, she needed to apologize to Lexa – again. How was she messing this up so badly? How had she gone from having complete control in her life to none at all?

Finally crossing the threshold into her apartment, Clarke quickly made a beeline for the bedroom. “Fuck,” she muttered to herself as she collapsed on to the bed, “fuck, fuck, fuck…”

She needed to sleep, just sleep and not think or at least, not think about Lexa, but after that kiss – it just seemed harder than ever. Everything about it was the same as she remembered. The feel, the way their lips moved together, ugh – she even tasted the same and it made something inside of Clarke just scream out.

Once upon a time, she had been so afraid to kiss Lexa, so afraid to just take that leap and now, fuck, her body seemed to take the leap on its own volition, without even considering her. Clarke rolled over and smashed her face into the pillow, suddenly remembering the aftermath of their first kiss.

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Clarke hit the street and quickly pulled out her phone. Fuck. Fuck! She was wrong. God, she was so wrong. She shouldn’t have kissed her– she shouldn’t have even suggested it. The look on Lexa’s face. Fuck, her face. There was nothing – nothing. She didn’t feel it, she didn’t feel anything.

Clarke: I fucked up.
Raven: Fuck. The toaster again, Griffin? Ugh, don’t worry. I’m sure I can fix it, AGAIN!
O: Please, define fucked up.
Clarke: Lexa and I kissed.
Raven: Nice!!!
O: About time.
Clarke: No!
Clarke: It’s not a good thing!
Raven: Really? Was she that bad?
O: Clarke? What happened?
Clarke: She doesn’t feel the same way that I do. I knew that she didn’t.
Clarke: I told you that she didn’t!
O: What?
Raven: Bullshit!
Clarke: Rae, she just asked me to leave!
Clarke: Fuck. I ruined everything.
O: Where are you?
Clarke: On my way home.

Getting back to her apartment, Clarke immediately dropped herself into her bed, no longer able to control the sobs that were escaping her. This was bad. So bad. Why was she so stupid? She should have just left it alone. What they had was so great and now, everything was going to be different, everything was going to be weird. Out of all of the people that she had to fall for, why did it have to be Lexa?

“Hey…” Octavia said softly as she slid on to the bed, curling herself around her from behind.
Clarke released a slight whimper, acknowledging her presence.
“It’s going to be alright,” Raven said as she appeared in front of her, brushing the hair out of her eyes.
“It’s not,” Clarke shook her head. “You didn’t see her face.”
“We’ll figure it out,” Octavia assured her calmly.
“I should have just left it alone.” Clarke told them. “How could I think…”
“Clarke, it doesn’t add up,” Raven added. “Even Anya thinks that she’s head over heels for you.”
“Well, you were all wrong,” Clarke snapped lightly, “because we kissed and there was just – nothing.”
“You didn’t feel anything?” Octavia asked curiously as she rubbed her arm.
“Me?” Clarke’s eyes went wide. “I felt everything. God, it was like the whole world spun around me!”
“And Lexa?” Raven adjusted herself on the bed. “Did you guys talk about it?”
Clarke shook her head. “She just stared at me,” she shrugged feebly, “and then said that she thought that I should go, so I left.”
“We’ll figure it out.” Octavia repeated. “Raven’s right. Something just doesn’t add up. We’ve all seen the way that Lexa looks at you.”
“Yeah,” Raven scoffed with a quick nod. “Fuck. It’s like you’re the most amazing thing that she’s ever seen.”

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Clarke rolled over in her bed and glanced at the clock. Fuck. Time to get up. Shit. Well, that was pointless. Releasing a slight grunt, she kicked off her blankets and stomped over to her closet. A month ago, if someone would have told her that seeing Lexa again would have thrown her into a loop like this, she probably would have told them that they were crazy. But now, well, shit. What a damn mess.

After quickly getting changed, Clarke freshened up and made her way back out to her car and back to the hospital, just hoping for a quick and easy shift.

Hours later though, the shift was just dragging on and really, she was feeling it. Clarke pulled out her phone to check the time and suddenly remembered that she was only pulling a half shift today and would be able to leave soon. Yes! She just needed to go home and get back into bed. With each hour that slipped by, Clarke found herself becoming more and more tired and the more tired she became, the more that her mind seemed to drift.

It was like she had no control, the memories just kept coming and at time point, each one was sweeter than the one before it.

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“Why are you looking at me like that?” Lexa asked as she glanced up from her book.
“Like what?” Clarke smiled warmly.
“Like that,” Lexa took off her glasses and pointed at her. “What is that smile about?”
“I just,” Clarke felt her smile widen a little. “I can’t believe that you’re really mine.”
A light flush quickly spread across Lexa’s cheeks as the corners of her mouth lifted into a smile. “I can’t believe that you couldn’t tell.”
“That you liked me too?” Clarke asked her curiously as she closed her notebook.
Lexa set her book on the table and slid closer on the couch. “That I was already yours,” she answered softly.
Clarke felt a warmth spread through her entire body. “You didn’t exactly make it easy,” she told her with a slight smirk.
Lexa brought her hand up and touched her cheek lightly. “Neither did you,” she whispered before inching closer and closing the gap between them.

A sensation quickly spread through Clarke and again she knew, just like she had after their first kiss – she never wanted to kiss anyone else again.

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Clarke rolled over to the sound of her phone going off on the nightstand. Holy shit. She had been so tired, she barely even remembered crawling into bed.

O: Farmers Market today – you in?
O: Clarke?
Raven: Clarke!
Raven: Wake up time!

Clarke thought back to what Wells had said about a girl’s day.

Clarke: Relax, I’m up.
Clarke: And yes, I’m in.

A couple of hours later as the trio were walking through the market, Clarke froze on the spot when Lexa crossed in front of them. She was dressed somewhat casually, with her hair down and large aviator sunglasses on. Of all the people to run into right now! Clarke’s gaze went to the split in her lip. Shit. Totally noticeable.

“Damn Commander,” Raven’s voice rang out. “You piss somebody else off?”
“Something like that,” Lexa replied quietly and Clarke frowned a bit.
“Tsk tsk,” Raven clicked at her. “You have to stop doing that. You’re totally muffing up your pretty mug.”
“I’ll keep that in mind,” Lexa nodded. “Enjoy your shopping,” she told them politely and walked off in the other direction.

“Fuck,” Clarke muttered as the guilt she was carrying rang out in her chest.
“What’s wrong?” Raven questioned her curiously.
“I know that face,” Octavia pointed at her, “that’s your guilty face. Clarke, what did you do?”
“I just got upset,” Clarke defended herself quickly. “I was overwhelmed and I don’t – it just happened.”
“You hit her?” Raven's eyes went wide.
“Actually, I bit her,” Clarke admitted as she closed her eyes. “Fuck,” she breathed as her eyes snapped open and she ran off after Lexa.

“Lexa!” Clarke called as she caught up with her. “Lexa, wait!”
Lexa spun around to face her, squaring her shoulders. “What is it, Clarke?” She questioned rather harshly.
“Listen, I’m really sorry about….” Clarke paused and took a calming breath. “I was angry and then hurt, and then I don’t know…I guess that I wanted you to hurt too.”
“Oh, I felt it,” Lexa responded straightforwardly, though she seemed to appreciate the reasoning.
“I am so sorry,” Clarke shook her head.
“Like you said,” Lexa nodded with a brisk shrug, “you were angry.”
“Yes, but that’s no excuse.” Clarke responded firmly. “I crossed a line there.”
“You did,” Lexa agreed quickly and then just stared at her before sighing. “Good thing that we’ve never given much consideration to lines though.”
Clarke swallowed hard. “So, you’ll forgive me?” She asked hopefully.
“Of course.” Lexa assured her.
“Good,” Clarke sighed, knowing that the relief showing in her eyes, “because I really do want to be friends.”
Lexa’s brow furrowed. “I really want that too,” her eyes were sincere.
“Do you think, maybe, I could get your number?” Clarke asked cautiously.
Lexa thought for a moment and then held out her hand. “Let me see your phone,” she told her.
Clarke handed over her phone and watched as Lexa punched in her information. “Thanks,” she told her when she handed it back. “I should get going now, but I’ll text you. Okay?”
“Have a good day, Clarke.” Lexa nodded.

Clarke smiled, it was all that she could do. Tucking her phone back into her pocket, she turned and made her way back to Octavia and Raven, mentally trying to prepare herself for the shit storm that she was about to walk into.

“You got some ‘splaining to do,” Raven joked as she grinned and cocked an eyebrow at her.
Octavia was giving her a look that held both disappointment and sympathy. “You sure do,” she finally said.
“Time for a drink,” Raven told them with a clap.
“Rae, it’s like, eleven o’clock in the morning,” Clarke argued. Not that it would be the first time that she’d ever had a drink so early.
“Come on,” Octavia said grabbing her arm. “Something tells me that we’re going to need it.”

Shortly thereafter they were seated at a small table in a bar around the corner.

“Okay Griffin,” Octavia started, “now, what the actual fuck?”
“Okay,” Clarke took a deep breath. “We went out to breakfast and everything was fine and normal until I made a comment about her not being as mean as I remember and she got totally offended. Then one thing led to another and I reminded her that she had hurt me, and then she just left. She just dropped some money on the table and walked out, and I just…I lost it.” Clarke paused and took another deep breath. “I chased after her and slammed her against a wall and screamed at her and then the next thing I knew I had kissed her and done, well – that.”
Octavia took a sip of her drink and thought for a second. “You need two should stay away from each other,” she finally said.
“What?” Clarke gasped at her words. “No. I don’t want to stay away from her, O. I missed her!”

No. Absolutely not. She didn't want to lose Lexa again – she had just got her back. No. That, was not an option.

“Clarke, I get it and on some twisted level, we’ve all missed her,” Octavia’s voice was calm and yet, slightly coarse, “but you and her – it’s really a volatile combination. You two are like, Lincoln and I, but on steroids, with speed – and a splash of Red Bull.”
“Now you’re just exaggerating.” Clarke responded defensively. “We were great friends once.”
“She’s totally not,” Raven giggled. “and you were way more than friends.”
“Not always,” Clarke fired back and quickly took a sip of her drink.
“Yes always,” Octavia snapped swiftly, “and that’s the point. You two might not have seen it, or acted on it but it was there. It was always there.”
“And, sexually speaking,” Raven added, “you two together, God, you were really fucking insatiable.”

Clarke swallowed hard at Raven’s words. They were true. She knew they were true. Disgustingly true. Once Lexa and she had crossed over into that territory, they simply couldn’t get enough of each other and they didn’t much care who knew it. Just the mere thought of it sent a rippling effect throughout Clarke’s entire body, like a cord between her heart and her core was being twisted.

“Okay, enough talking about that,” Clarke instructed firmly as she tried to steady herself.
“You can’t even deny it,” Raven accused her in laughter.
“Of course I can’t,” Clarke admitted furiously. “You know that I can’t. I never could.”
“Then why put yourself in a position where you know that you don’t have control?” Octavia demanded. “You’re fucking engaged, Clarke and you are not that person. You need to figure your shit out.”
Clarke stared into her glass as more guilt was building in her chest. “I can control it,” she responded feebly.
“Now, that’s not exactly fair, O,” Raven interjected firmly. “It’s not like her and Lexa are sneaking off somewhere and sleeping together.”
“What, you’re the sensible one now?” Octavia joked with a wave of her hand.
“Look, it’s no secret, I’m totally on team Clexa, but…” Raven acknowledged with a shrug.
“You hit the girl so hard that she had to have her face sewn back together,” Octavia argued.
“And I would do it again. In fairness, the girl had a six year heads up,” Raven responded smoothly. “Regardless, my point is that what happened in that moment was fueled by a lot of pent up anger, hurt and history. I don’t believe for one second that Clarke went there with those intentions. You said it yourself, she’s not that person.”

In that moment Clarke’s heart filled with nothing but adoration for her friends. Raven was right, she hadn’t gone there with those intentions, but Octavia was right too, she needed to figure her shit out.

“You’re both right,” Clarke finally spoke. “I didn’t mean for it to happen, but it did and I’m with Wells now.”
“So, you’re going to stay away from her?” Octavia inquired curiously.
“No,” Clarke shook her head instantly, “absolutely not. Me marrying Wells or not marrying him has nothing to do with Lexa – that’s all on me.”
“Are you starting to doubt how you feel about him?” Octavia asked and finished her drink.
“No,” Clarke answered softly as she shook her head, “I know that I love him.”
“But, not like you love Lexa,” Raven tipped her glass towards her with a knowing look.
The statement made Clarke’s heart burn and ache. “Just because you love someone, it doesn’t mean that you end up with them,” she shrugged ever so slightly. “It doesn’t even mean that you should. Lexa and I gave it a shot. I chose her and she chose Bangkok.”
Raven nodded and leaned forward on the table. “Yet still, you want to try to rekindle your friendship with her?”
“I do,” Clarke confirmed quickly. “Yes.”
“Fuck my life,” Octavia muttered with a slight eye roll.
"Well, I'll tell you one thing," Raven said as a wide grin appeared on her face and she crossed her arms. "This is going to be interesting.”