The Decision

Lexa stumbled through her apartment. It had been hours since she had fled the farmers market and she was drunk, really drunk, but not too drunk and regardless, she knew that it was a bad idea. After running into Clarke earlier, she just needed to get lost, she needed to forget the look in Clarke’s eyes, the sincerity in her voice and God, the feel of her lips. They had been the same, exactly how Lexa had remembered them – everything was the same and when she bit down, yes, there had been pain, but there had also been something else. Something familiar and it made her ache with a longing that she had never been able to shake. Her longing for Clarke.

“No,” Lexa shook her head quickly as she dropped down into the chair at her desk. “Stop it,” she told herself as she shuffled through some papers and then poured herself another drink. This was so pointless.

There was a fine line, just as there had always been, only now, it was the problem. She wanted Clarke back in her life, she had missed her and still needed her, but still, at moments, it was just so hard to be around her. To be near her and know that she was no longer hers, that she belonged to someone else now and soon, she’d belong to them forever. It was painful and it was wrong, but she wasn’t going to break. She could do this. She could.

The truth was, she couldn’t really fault Clarke for getting upset with her when they had breakfast, after all, Clarke had been right – she had run away. She didn’t mean to, she just had to. It was just too much to take. The fact that after everything they had shared together – all of Lexa’s sweetest memories, Clarke could use only one word to sum her up. Just one word to show how she remembered her. Mean. That had been like a searing bullet shooting directly through her heart and she couldn't take it. Clarke had remembered her, the same way that people were going to remember her parents and that realization, was just too much to handle.

With a heavy growl, Lexa launched her glass across the room, dropping her head into her hands as the sound of the shattering glass filled her ears. She wasn’t them. She wasn’t like them. She wasn’t. Clarke always said that she wasn’t.

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“Babe?” Clarke’s voice filled her ears.

Lexa was lying on her bed with tear stained cheeks, feeling just completely exhausted on every level. She had gotten home sometime just before dawn, after spending what had been a grueling four days working side by side with her father and now, all that she wanted to do was lay there and cry, but she'd forgotten that she told Clarke that she would be back this morning.

Lexa quickly sat up and wiped off her cheeks. “You’re here early,” she said when Clarke stepped into the doorway.
“I wanted to see you,” Clarke smiled at her. “I missed…” she paused, clearly taking in the look of her.
“I’m fine,” Lexa assured her, shaking her head lightly.
“You’re not,” Clarke frowned as she moved forward and sat down beside her, taking her in her arms. “What happened?”
Lexa swallowed hard as a new rush of tears filled her eyes. Just being with Clarke again released such a sense of relief that it was almost over powering. “I don’t want to be like them,” she said quietly.
“You’re not like them,” Clarke responded instantly. “You could never be like them.”
“But, I am.” Lexa shook her head. “I was so horrible to this kid – he was just trying to do his job, but he screwed it up and I just – I lost it on him,” tears slipped down her cheeks, “and then I just froze, because I realized that I was him. I was my father.”
“Losing your temper does not make you like your father.” Clarke’s tone was firm. “You have emotions, like everybody else and sometimes, when things go wrong, you’re going to get angry and lose you shit. It happens to everyone. You’re human.”
“I know that I'm human. I just,” Lexa shook her head again. “I don’t want to be cruel.”
“Baby,” Clarke smiled warmly, “you could never be cruel. You don’t have a cruel bone in your body. You’re parents are everything that you could never be – you’re just not capable, and you – well, you’re everything that they’re not capable of being. Hell, they should be jealous of you.”
Lexa tried and failed to stifle a chuckle. “Jealous?”
“Well, yeah.” Clarke grinned at her. “You are pretty amazing, after all.”
Lexa felt her lips stretch into a smile as her heart swelled with warmth. “No,” she said softly. “I’m quite certain that that’s you.”
Clarke inched her head down and pressed their lips together.

Though they had only been dating for a short period of time, every kiss still sent shots of electricity shooting through Lexa’s body. It didn’t take long for the kiss to heat up, but before it could go any further, Lexa pulled back. She didn’t want to, but she had to. She didn’t want it like this. Not like this.

“Ugh,” Clarke groaned, but grinned at her again. “You’re going to be the death of me.”
“Then I’ll be the death of us both,” Lexa smiled lightly and placed another quick kiss on her lips.

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Lexa’s eyes snapped opened at the sound of her front door opening. Quickly she sat up and busied herself shuffling papers. Fucking crap. She didn’t need this right now. She just needed to get herself good and drunk and forget. Just, forget. That was all she wanted.

“Hey,” Anya said as she stepped through the door.
“I’m kind of busy right now, Anya.” Lexa replied, concentrating hard on her pronunciations.
“I’m sure,” Anya replied as she walked closer. "You’re always busy, but I had to drop off these and find out when you wanted to…what the hell happened to your face now?”
Lexa stopped moving instantly, feeling herself sober a bit. Well shit. “I don’t want to talk about it,” she shook her head, avoiding eye contact.
“Lexa,” Anya’s tone hardened. “Did someone hurt you? Did Raven hit…”
“No,” Lexa shook her head quickly. “No one hurt me. It wasn’t like that. It,” she paused and braced herself. Ah fuck, here we go. “It was Clarke.”
“Clarke?!” Anya’s eyes went wide with shock. “Lexa, I told you…”
“I didn’t do anything!” Lexa defended herself as she jumped to her feet, quickly losing her balance and falling back into the chair again.
Anya stared at her. “You’re drunk,” she noted.
“Not nearly drunk enough,” Lexa pointed out quickly. “Grab me another glass, will you?”
Anya sighed and rolled her eyes, but did as she was asked and walked over to retrieve not one, but two glasses. “Okay,” she said when she returned. “What happened?”
Lexa took a long sip off of her drink. “Clarke and I had breakfast and it didn’t end well,” she motioned to her lip.
“Did she hit you?” Anya asked curiously.
“No,” Lexa gave her a completely affronted look. “Of course not. She would never.”
“Then what the hell happened to your face?” Anya practically demanded. “First you’re eye and now your lip – people are going to think that you’re involved in some kind of fight club or something.”
“That’d be pretty cool though,” Lexa grinned foolishly at her, “wouldn’t it?”
“Lexa,” Anya scolded her, unamused.
“Okay, okay. Clarke…um…she,” Lexa swallowed hard, “she bit me.”
This time Anya’s eyes widened with fury. “Lexa,” she spat harshly, “I fucking told you not to. She’s engaged!”
“It wasn’t like that,” Lexa insisted angrily. “Look. She just got upset. We were just talking and the conversation went really bad, really fast. I got up and left and she came after me. She was so fucking angry and emotional. It just, happened – she just lost it. It was just for a second, but we’ve already talked about it and she even apologized.”
“Fuck,” Anya groaned and shook her head. “That girl has always been a firecracker of emotion.”
Lexa nodded. It was totally true.
“I knew that something like this was going to happen.” Anya sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. “I fucking knew it.”
“What do you mean you knew?” Lexa’s face twisted up. “I didn’t even know.”
“Yeah well, you’re an idiot.” Anya told her with a wave of her hand. “So, why did things go so bad?”

Instantly Lexa felt her heart sink again. Anya hated her parents just as much as she had. Somewhere, deep inside, with all of the time and space that had been between them, she couldn’t help but wonder if Anya might secretly hate her too – even though her heart protested against the very notion.

“Do you know how Clarke remembers me?” Lexa finally asked. “Like, in one word.”
“One word?” Anya echoed as she thought for a moment. “Wonderful? Captivating? Beautiful? Precious? Sorry, I’m just trying to think of things that she used to…”
“Mean,” Lexa cut her off. “That, is how Clarke remembers me.”
Anya’s brow furrowed instantly. “I don’t buy it,” she shook her head in disbelief.
“Well,” Lexa shrugged feebly, “that’s what she said.”
“What exactly did she say?” Anya questioned her.
Lexa tried to think back, which wasn’t too easy, considering how hazy her mind was at the moment. “You’re not nearly as mean as I remember,” she finally quoted. Yeah, that was it. Right?

They sat in silence for a few moments and again, Lexa felt that fiery bullet shoot through her chest. All of the words that Anya had chosen, had indeed, been words that Clarke had used to describe her at one time or another and hearing them again, just made the fact that Clarke had only remembered her as being mean, even worse.

“Do you think,” Anya paused for a moment and swallowed. “Do you think that maybe she was just talking about that night?”
Lexa blinked slowly, but didn’t respond.
“Because, well, you know how mean you were to her…” Anya shrugged a little. “Not that I don’t totally understand why,” she quickly added and put her hand up, clearly taking in the scowl that had developed on her cousin’s face.

Lexa emptied her glass in one last sip and got to her feet. Had she been mean that night? Yes, she had been. Did she regret it? Hell no, not at all. In fact, if she found herself faced with the same choice again, she’d do it all the same, but that was beside the point – she wasn’t a mean person. She wasn’t like her parents. She wasn’t. She wasn’t!

Lexa scoffed at herself as she shook her head and poured yet another drink.
“Maybe you should tell her?” Anya suggested with a calm and cautious tone.
“Tell her what?” Lexa asked offhandedly as she glanced at her.
Anya’s eyebrows went up as her head tilted slightly with a silent indication.
Lexa stared at her for a moment before the realization of what she was implying hit her. “Absolutely not,” she shut her down furiously. “Don’t you dare, Anya. You promised.”
“Lexa,” Anya stood up quickly and took a deep breath. “Look, you say that you want to rebuild your friendship with Clarke, right?”
“Right.” Lexa answered instantly. “I do. I really do. I have missed her, so much – it’s...”
“Then tell her wh…” Anya started again.
“I said, no,” Lexa cut her off, slamming her glass down on the bar. “No.”
“Well, why not then?” Anya fired back in frustration. “How can you possibly even attempt to really rebuild your friendship with her, when everything that she remembers about what tore it apart – is a lie?”

Lexa shook her head. No. No. Absolutely not. She wasn’t going there. She wouldn’t. She couldn’t. The room began to tilt slightly as she took a deep breath and tried to steady herself against the fire that was suddenly raging inside of her. That was a ridiculous idea – a stupid suggestion. It wouldn’t make things easier or better - it didn't matter. Nothing would change what happened that night – nothing ever could.

“You promised me,” Lexa reminded her again as she took a step forward.
“I know,” Anya sighed, instantly dropping her shoulders, “and I meant it. I just don’t understand why you won’t just…”
“Because, I can’t and I don’t want to,” Lexa shook her head as she stumbled forward and dropped onto the couch. “Because, it doesn’t change anything.”
“You don’t know that.” Anya countered quickly. “It could change everything.”
“No.” Lexa shook her head again. “I’m not telling her, Anya and neither are you.”
“But, Lexa, what if you just…” Anya tried again, but froze suddenly.
Lexa stared at her, barely able to see her through the tears that had built in her eyes. “You promised me,” she repeated firmly before closing her eyes and allowing a tear to slip down her cheek. “You promised.”
“Okay,” Anya finally agreed. “Okay.”
“Thank you,” Lexa whispered, without opening her eyes.
“Sleep it off, idiot.” Anya said softly as she draped a blanket over her. “We’ll get back to work tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow,” Lexa mumbled before her drunken haze became a dark sleep.