Chapter 9
A couple of days had passed and Lexa was sitting at her desk up to her neck in paperwork and trying desperately to focus. This was proving more and more difficult as all that she could think about anymore was Clarke. Anya’s comment about the floodgates opening was still fresh in her mind. She shook her head, grinning as she suddenly remembered how foolishly she had acted after she and Clarke had actually kissed for the first time.
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Lexa was sitting in her parent’s living room, waiting for her mother. That morning, she and Clarke had kissed and it had been, in one word, perfect. It felt amazing and wonderful, but then when Clarke didn’t seem to have the same reaction, or much of one at all, the only thing that Lexa wanted to do was get out of there as fast as she could.
Suddenly her phone began to go crazy and Lexa rolled her eyes, almost afraid to look at it.
O: LEXA!! >:( What did you do?!
Raven: Are you kidding me???!
Raven: Anya, are you with her?? Smack the shit out of her!
Anya: I am not. What am I missing?
Raven: Lexa kissed Clarke, and then asked her to leave!
Anya: Smooth.
O: Lexa! Fix this!
Lexa: There’s nothing to fix. It was just a kiss.
O: What?! Are you crazy? You just devastated her!
Lexa stared at the phone. What the hell was Octavia talking about?
Lexa: What are you talking about? Clarke said it herself – it was just a kiss.
O: Are you really that blind?
Raven: Seriously, how can you be so hot and yet, so dumb?
Lexa: Fuck you, Raven.
Raven: Pass. Clarke on the other hand...
Lexa: Stop that!
Anya: Ok, that’s enough. Raven, stop being an ass. Lexa, stop being so stupid.
O: Lexa, listen, we can all see how much you care for her, but what you can’t see is that she cares just as much about you. She feels the same way that you do!
Raven: STOP BEING STUPID, STUPID!
Lexa threw her phone onto the couch. She didn’t want to do this. Well, she did, but she couldn’t. She couldn’t. Clarke had barely even reacted after they kissed. What if they were wrong? Clarke meant so much to her, too much. From the moment they’d exchanged their first words, it was like they’d known each other forever. She never wanted to return to a time where she didn’t know Clarke. If they were wrong and things went bad, she could lose her and if she lost her, then she’d lose herself. There was something in their friendship, something bigger than both of them. She needed Clarke.
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Lexa phone suddenly began to ring, pulling her out of her thoughts. Quickly she picked it up and brought it to her ear. “Lexa Woods,” she said quickly. “Hello?”
“Hi,” Clarke’s hesitant voice came though the phone.
“Clarke?” Lexa’s eyebrows went up curiously. Why in the world was Clarke calling her? “How did you get this number?”
“I didn’t. I called your fathers office and they patched me through. I just wanted to make sure that you were okay,” Clarke explained quietly, “after, you know, Raven, being Raven.”
“Yes, I’m fine,” Lexa assured her. “I think once you’re used to Raven, you never actually become unused to her.”
Clarke laughed lightly and Lexa leaned back in her chair enjoying the sweet sound. “We should have lunch sometime.” The words left her mouth on their own accord. “What do you think?”
“I think breakfast would be better,” Clarke responded quickly.
“Yes, breakfast is always better,” Lexa agreed as her lips stretched into a smile.
“Well, how about tomorrow?” Clarke asked suddenly. She almost sounded hopeful.
Lexa stood up, not sure of the right way to respond. She rubbed her forehead lightly. Was it wrong to go to breakfast with Clarke? No. She decided. It was just breakfast. Plus, how could she try to repair their friendship if she didn’t actually see her.
“Remember that diner a few blocks from your place? We could meet there,” Clarke’s voice came again. “Lexa?”
“I’m here,” Lexa answered, “Tomorrow would be great. What time?”
“Eight o’clock?” Clarke suggested.
“I look forward to it,” Lexa accepted.
“Me too,” Clarke sounded pleased. “Okay. I’ll let you get back to whatever you were doing now.”
“Bye Clarke,” Lexa said as hung up the phone and sunk back into her chair.
Not a moment later, she was sucked right back into that memory.
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Two days had passed since they had kissed, and they had been the longest two days of Lexa’s life. She missed Clarke. She missed talking to her and texting her; she missed just being around her. As she crossed through the quad that afternoon, her eyes fell on Clarke and she froze in her tracks. She was sitting at a picnic table with Octavia, Raven, Lincoln, Bellamy and Anya. She didn’t look right. Was she tired? Sick? Sad? Lexa’s feet began to carry her forward and it was Octavia’s eyes who found her first. She gave her a compassionate stare, a warm smile developing on her face. Next it was Raven, who smirked and elbowed Anya. Finally Clarke looked up and as soon as her eyes found Lexa she was on her feet and walking away as fast as she could.
“Clarke,” Lexa’s voice called out on its own accord. “Clarke, stop.”
Clarke stopped and turned to face her. Her eyes looked wet and pained, her body seemed oddly stiff as she shook her head quickly. “Look Lexa,” she began, “you were right. I was wrong to push the kiss. I just thought that if I thought about it and you thought about it, then, you know, maybe we could…that we must want more, but, I was wrong and I’m sorry.”
Lexa stood silent, her brow furrowed, but her eyes focused and suddenly she was able to see what Octavia was talking about.
Fear was quickly developing in Clarke’s eyes. “Can we just forget about it?” She asked quietly, her eyes pleading. “Can we just pretend it didn’t happen?”
“No,” Lexa answered firmly. “I can’t do that.”
Clarke’s head should briefly as more tears built in her eyes. “Lexa,” she croaked, “please, I’m sorry, I…”
“Are you?” Lexa questioned, but Clarke only stared at her feet, swallowing hard and holding her silence. Lexa stepped forward, leaving on a few inches between them. “I’m not.”
“You’re…” Clarke looked up, her blue eyes finding Lexa’s. “What do you…”
Lexa stepped forward, one hand going to Clarke’s neck as the other settled on her waist, she pulled her in and closed the gap between them. As their lips met Clarke exhaled quickly and wrapped her arms around her neck as if holding on for her life. A fire began to spread through Lexa’s chest as she turned her head and deepened the kiss even further, releasing everything she’d been holding in. A sound escaped Clarke as she clenched her hands, trying to pull her impossibly closer.
Lexa slowed the kissed and pulled back slightly, pressing her forehead against Clarke’s. “I want this,” she whispered. “I want you.”
Clarke smiled adoringly as her eyes widened and a tear spilled down her cheek. “You do?”
“I do,” Lexa smiled back as she brushed the tear from Clarke’s face. “I really do,” she told her as she brought their lips together once more and the sound of their friends celebrating filled her ears.
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That night Lexa found herself sitting in a bar. She should have stayed home, she knew that, but she didn’t want to. She didn’t want to be alone in her apartment, yet again. She was working her way through her forth drink while she continued exchanging glances with a very attractive brunette at the other end of the bar. This had been going on for awhile now, just slightly seductive glances thrown back and forth, no words.
Finally downing her drink, Lexa got to her feet and made her way into the ladies room, wondering if the brunette would dare to follow. As she stood at the sink washing her hands, she heard the bolt snap on the bathroom door. Moving her eyes in that direction, she found the brunette leaning against the door, with a thirst visible in her dark eyes.
“I’m not looking for anything,” Lexa told her firmly as she dried her hands.
The brunette approached slowly. “Neither am I,” she said quickly before crashing their lips together.
Lexa felt a familiar warmth at her core as she pushed the woman against the sink, dragging her skirt higher. The woman let out a whimper as her nails scraped into Lexa’s back, causing her body to being moving rhythmically. Lexa felt the woman fumbling with her belt, making quick work of it before she undid the buttons and thrust her hand down into her pants. Lexa inhaled sharply, slipping her own hand up under the brunette’s skirt and grinning to herself when the woman gasped loudly and fumbled a little.
Lexa knew that this wouldn’t take long and her thought was proven right only a few moments later when the woman’s entire body tensed as she let out a heavy moan and bit down hard on her neck. Lexa let her ride it out, not minding at all that it had happened so fast. In fact, with things being what they were, faster was actually better. When the woman regained her sense, she quickly spun them around and dropped to her knees, taking Lexa’s pants with her.
Lexa sighed and let her head fall back. She needed this.
An hour later though, Lexa was back at her apartment, pouring over paperwork, when a knock came from the door and Anya walked in, carrying a rather large box. “Here’s that stuff that you asked for,” she said placing the box on the table. “Thought I’d drop it off on my way home,” she turned and stopped short, instantly eyeing Lexa.
“What?” Lexa shrugged quickly.
“I see someone made a meal of you,” Anya responded, looking unimpressed.
Lexa didn’t have to ask, she could guess. The bite had left a mark.
“So, what’s her name?” Anya questioned her.
“I didn’t ask,” Lexa answered quickly.
“Christ. Listen, just do me a favor,” Anya pinched the bridge of her nose, “and keep in mind that this isn’t Bangkok.”
Lexa’s eyes narrowed as an annoyance built up un her stomach. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
Anya sighed. “You know who you are, and you know where you are,” she told her plainly, “don’t be stupid.”
Lexa shook her heard stubbornly. “I’ll tell you what, Anya,” she said through her gritted teeth. “I’ll stay out of your sex life and you stay out of mine.”
“Hey idiot,” Anya snapped suddenly, her eyes sharpening and her jaw clenched. “I’m not the bad guy, remember?”
“Well then, what the hell?” Lexa snapped back.
“Look, I know that you have your own way of doing things, of coping,” Anya explained firmly, “but, everyone’s eyes are on you now. Just use your head,” she slapped the side of Lexa’s head lightly, “this one, idiot.”
Lexa wanted to be angry, she really did, but she couldn’t. She knew that Anya was right, even if she didn’t have the details. “You’re right,” she submitted.
“No shit,” Anya shrugged. “You know that I’m only looking out for your best interests.”
Lexa nodded. “I was just, frustrated,” she said in short.
“You’re human,” Anya said plainly. “I get it. You’re under a lot of pressure. Just don’t be stupid. Okay? I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Right,” Lexa said, now feeling stupid.
After Anya left, Lexa threw herself into a shower, trying to wash away every trace of the brunette. Afterward, she stood in the bathroom staring in the mirror at the teeth marks on her neck. “Great,” she mumbled to herself.
It was fair to say that while she was in Bangkok she had definitely fallen into periods of promiscuity. While she could easily take care of herself, sometimes, she just needed someone else there. It helped to relieve another sort of tension, another sort of ache. But Anya was right, she needed to keep in mind how different things were now and how here, now under everyone’s gaze, her random, sexual endeavors would probably not go unnoticed for very long. She didn’t want that to become one of the things she was known for.
“Get it together, idiot,” she told herself before falling asleep.
The following morning as Lexa got ready to meet Clarke for breakfast she tried, in vain, to cover the mark on her neck. It was too high for her collar to cover it, and makeup wasn’t helping either. Finally she relented and simply put a large band aid over it. What else could she do? Aside from her breakfast with Clarke, Lexa had a couple of meetings later and that was the last thing she wanted people looking at.
It was just before eight when Lexa entered the diner. She remembered this place, she had been there many times. It was a small place, with a short counter on one side and very narrow booths on the other. It was slightly dark, but warm, cozy. Lexa liked it. Clarke was already there, tucked into a booth and nursing a cup of coffee.
“You look tired,” Lexa said as she slid into the booth.
Instantly Clarke perked up. “No. Well, maybe a little,” she admitted. “I just got out of work.”
“Oh,” Lexa said quietly, “you should have said you were working last night. We could have gotten breakfast another time.”
“Its fine,” Clarke waved off her words,” besides, meeting up this morning was my idea, remember?”
Lexa thought back. She had recommended lunch, but yes, it was Clarke that had suggested breakfast and when. She grinned lightly and gave a nod. A moment later the waitress came and took their orders.
“So, how was work?” Lexa asked, trying to find something to talk about that wasn’t from their past.
“Long,” Clarke answered. “Usually is though. I have to be back at three o’clock.”
“Shouldn’t you be getting some rest then?” Lexa questioned her.
“I will,” Clarke replied simply, “after breakfast. I’m starving.”
“And you love breakfast,” Lexa added pointedly.
“I do love breakfast,” Clarke smiled. “Best meal of the day.
Lexa nodded in agreement.
They went back and forth for awhile talking about Clarke’s night at work and some of the people she had been on shift with. The conversation was simple and pleasant, normal. It was nice.
“So, what’s on your agenda today?” Clarke asked as the waitress placed their food in front of them.
“A board meeting at eleven,” Lexa replied, “and an interview with some tech magazine at one, I think,” she finished and placed a forkful of eggs into her mouth.
“An interview, huh?” Clarke smiled. “Exciting stuff,” she said as she reached down, clearly without thought, and took a piece of bacon off of Lexa’s plate.
Lexa tried and failed to hide her smirk as she watched Clarke eating her bacon.
“What?” Clarke questioned her, so obviously oblivious to what she had just done.
“I guess mine’s still better,” Lexa told her as she motioned to the bacon.
Clarke’s eyes went wide with shock. “Oh God, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to do that,” her face what quickly turning red. “Here you can have some of mine. I’m sorry.”
“Clarke, stop. Really, it’s fine,” Lexa assured her. “Just eat.”
Clarke was clearly embarrassed and they ate quietly for a few minutes while she recovered.
“What happened to your neck?” Clarke asked, finally breaking the silence.
Lexa froze for a second. Shit. “Nothing,” she replied calmly.
Clarke’s eyes narrowed and the tiniest smirk appeared on her face. “Lexa?”
“What?” Lexa asked looking up. Her eyes met Clarke’s and she swore they gave her away. “It’s nothing. Stop it.”
Clarke’s smirk widened. “You’ve been raging,” she stated matter-of-factly.
Lexa cleared her throat. “I do not rage.”
“Yeah, well, you should,” Clarke responded playfully, “you’re hot.”
“Stop it,” Lexa told her, feeling her cheeks burn, but the corner of her mouth twitched, as she remembered doing this before.
She swallowed hard. Did Clarke really just say that she was hot?
Clarke chuckled. “Does it hurt?”
Lexa shrugged slightly. “Not really,” she answered quietly.
“Can I see it?" Clarke asked curiously.
Lexa stared at her. “Seriously?”
Clarke nodded.
Lexa sighed and pulled back the band aid to show her.
“Shit,” Clarke scoffed waving her hand. “I’ve done worse.”
Again Lexa felt her cheeks burn as her body temperature began to climb. The last thing that she needed to be thinking about was sex with Clarke and she was cursing the way her body reacted to the thought. “Fuck,” she chuckled, slightly embarrassed and shook her head.
Clarke erupted in laughter.
“You haven’t changed a bit, Griffin.” Lexa smirked slightly.
“Of course I have,” Clarke shrugged, still laughing. “We all have. You’re not being nearly as mean as I remember.”
Lexa’s face fell instantly as her stomach bottomed out. “That’s how you remember me?” She questioned harsher than she intended.
Clarke’s eyes snapped at attention. “I didn’t mean it like that,” she replied quickly. “I just meant…”
“What Clarke?” Lexa questioned as she pushed her plate away. “What did you mean?”
“Look, you really hurt me, okay?” Clarke answered defensively as her shoulders sank. “One day you were here and you were mine, and then literally the next day, you were just gone and you didn’t want anything to do with me.”
Lexa felt her body go rigid. She needed to leave. She needed to leave, right now. Swallowing hard, she deposited a twenty dollar bill on the table and walked out without another word.
She hit the street with a quick pace, desperate to get away from there. She needed to put her focus into anything that wasn’t Clarke right now. She couldn’t think about it. She couldn’t think about how she had hurt her. Deciding to take a shortcut, Lexa slipped into an alley furiously running her fingers through her hear. She was sure she probably looked like a crazy person.
“Hey!” Clarke’s voice echoed through the alley and turning, Lexa found her storming toward her with her eyes blazing. “You don’t get to do that!” She snapped harshly, slamming her hands into Lexa’s chest and forcing her up against the wall.
“I didn’t…” Lexa began awkwardly and lowered her gaze.
“You did!” Clarke yelled. “I tell you that you hurt me and you just walk away! You know it happened. Everyone knows it happened. Fucking face it. Face me!”
Lexa raised her eyes and when they met Clarke’s she was faced with something that she wasn’t prepared for. Tears. Clarke stared into her eyes as tears streamed down her cheeks and Lexa’s heart sank. “Clarke…” she began.
“No,” Clarke cut her off sharply. “Not a word. Not one, fucking word,” she practically growled as she grabbed Lexa by her collar and crashed their lips together.
The kiss was beyond rough and needy, it was absolutely desperate. Clarke bit down hard on her lip, not asking, but demanding an entrance and when Lexa parted her lips she tasted the faint trace of blood and familiar taste of Clarke. A moment later a whimper escaped her throat as Clarke ran her tongue soothingly across her lower lip and stepped back.
Lexa stared at her in disbelief. Did that really just happen? Clarke’s chest was heaving as her blue eyes, with blown pupils burned into the green of Lexa’s. She turned and walked away, leaving Lexa there with tear filled eyes, a bleeding bottom lip and an aching in her heart that she knew time would never ease.