Renting happiness

The rest of the week was rather exhausting for Lexa but apparently fun for Clarke. They didn’t talk a lot because Lexa was very busy with work. For some reason Clarke started to post on social media again, so every time Lexa pulled out her phone to check her profile for messages she sees another picture of Clarke with Nilah because they apparently hang out 24/7 now. She cannot explain why but it feels like a tiny stab in the heart when she sees that. Lexa shouldn’t even be so jealous, normally she ignores these things but she’s been having a rough time lately and the whole distance thing doesn’t make it any easier for the both of them.

On Friday she drives to the airport again to fly to L.A. for the weekend, at least she always has a very comfortable seat and can sleep for a while during the flight. But all those worries disappear when she sees Clarke waiting for her as she steps out of the airport. They hug for a very long time and get a cap to drive to Lexa’s apartment.

“I should really get another car here.” Lexa says after they get out of the cap. “This is a pain in the ass.”

“Well, maybe it’s good for you to sometimes experience how us mortals have to handle life.” Clarke jokes and helps her to carry her suitcase inside.

“So… I see you’ve been hanging out with Nilah a lot.” Lexa adds carefully.

“Oh yeah she’s amazing! We are always having a blast.” Clarke laughs.

“Yeah, I could see that.” Lexa says under her breath.

“What’s wrong?” Clarke asks raising her eyebrows.

“Nothing. It’s just kinda weird to me that you’ve been knowing this woman for how long? 4 weeks? And she’s already your best “friend”.” Lexa answers in a cold voice.

“Come on. I explained that to you. There’s nothing going on between me and Nilah. She’s just a friend!”

“I’ve heard that one before.” Lexa says sarcastically.

“Well, I’m sorry if you have trust issues but Nilah is my friend and I like her and if you don’t believe me when I tell you this, I can’t help you.” Clarke responds angrily and disappears in another room by slamming the door behind her.

Lexa sighs and rubs her forehead. This was not how she wanted this weekend to go. The next few minutes are spent in silence between the two until Lexa gets up to carefully knock on the door. No response. She opens it carefully to find Clarke lying on the bed, her face buried in the pillows.

“Clarke…” Lexa says softly. “I’m sorry I acted this way. I do trust you, Clarke.” She continues as she slowly sits on the bed. Clarke looks at her with red eyes. She must have cried.

“Then why don’t you act like you do? Every time I try to have something to myself you get jealous over it. My friends, my job. You don’t own me Lexa.”

“I know. I know. Like I said I’m sorry. I am really trying to work on it but sometimes I can’t control it.” Lexa explains with a little bit of panic in her voice.

“Well, you better figure it out because I really have to focus on my job too. I’ve worked so hard to get where I am right now and I can’t fuck it up.” Clarke responds without a trace of softness in her voice.

Lexa just lowers her head “Yes, I understand.” And gets up to walk back to the living room trying her best not to cry as well. How could this go so wrong so quickly. She only wants the best for Clarke. She really tries not to act this way but sometimes it is like there’s something inside her that prevents her from doing so.

After a while Clarke joins her on the couch and they end up watching a movie, cuddling and making up for the argument they had earlier.

“Hey, I don’t know if that is the right time for this but I actually wanted to ask you if you want to go out for drinks tomorrow night with me and Nilah.” Clarke asks carefully “Maybe if you get to know her, you’ll see that she’s actually super nice. You think you can give it a try?”

“Of course, baby. I’d be glad to finally meet her.” Lexa agrees what makes Clarke smile very bright.

They spend the rest of the evening and the next day together until it’s time to get ready to meet up with Nilah. Lexa is a little nervous and hopes that everything will go well between the three of them. She puts on one of her most expensive shirts, makes sure her hair looks perfect and wears a big watch on her right wrist. Clarke watches her sometimes while she’s getting ready and smiles.

“What are you smiling at?” asks Lexa.

“Oh nothing. It’s just obvious you’re trying to impress her with your fancy clothes.” Clarke responds.

The brunette ignores that comment, closes the last button of her shirt and walks into the kitchen. For the time that Lexa spends with Clarke in L.A. she bought a new car so that they wouldn’t have to take a cab again. Lexa really didn't like taking cabs. The bar where they meet up is on one of the main roads, so they had some difficulties finding Nilah at first because there are so many people. As Lexa looks the street up and down she suddenly hears a scream right next to her and turns around to see Clarke and Nilah hugging each other tightly. The tall woman can feel something blocking her throat and twisting her stomach around but she ignores it and puts on a smile.

“Hey Nilah. It’s so nice to see you again.” Lexa says and holds out her hand to shake Nilah’s but Nilah doesn’t shake it but rather pulls her into a hug while she says

“It’s so nice to see you too Lexa! Finally I get to know you a little bit.”

Lexa doesn’t really hug her back and pulls on her shirt to get rid of the wrinkles on it after the hug. They enter the bar and sit down in a corner where the music doesn’t play as loud so that Nilah and Lexa “can really get to know each other!” as Clarke put it in the car. As the waiter finally comes to their table, Lexa is the first one to order a double Scottish Single Malt Whiskey on the rocks “and whatever the ladies are having.” she concludes after the waiter wrote down her order.

The brunette doesn’t really initiate any kind of conversation but sits there listening to Clarke and Nilah ranting about work and sometimes make-up or shoes. But after a while Nilah turns to Lexa and asks “so, Lexa. Clarke told me you’re rich. How did you make so much money at such a young age?”

“Oh my god Nilah I did not say she’s rich!” Clarke says with a high voice and an annoying laugh.

“But she kinda is, I mean that’s obvious.” Nilah answers and turns to Lexa again waiting for her to answer.

“Umm.. well.. at first I worked at my dad’s company until he died and then I wanted to have something of my own, so I started my own company and yeah.. it’s been pretty successful so far, I guess.” Lexa replies not really knowing what she’s supposed to explain here.

“Oh that’s fascinating.” Nilah says with a slightly bored voice and turns to Clarke again.

Lexa can feel Clarke’s eyes on her and she’s convinced that the blonde is giving her a death stare right now but she just doesn’t care. She hates it here with Nilah and how Clarke behaves when she’s with her. Lexa orders more and more drinks while she is just sitting there in silence drowning in thoughts. The brunette just finished her sixth or seventh drink as the two others finally decide to leave. While Clarke and Nilah take forever to say goodbye to each other, Lexa just stands next to them looking into the other direction.

“Well.. Lexa it was nice to meet you.” Nilah says but doesn’t offer her hand or a hug this time, fortunately.

“Yeah, was nice.” Lexa mumbles and turns away to walk to her car.

Clarke waits until Nilah is out of sight, then runs after Lexa grabbing her elbow which Lexa immediately pulls out of her grip “What the fuck is your problem Lexa?!!” Clarke yells.

“Isn’t that obvious?” Lexa answers with a sarcastic tone.

“I just don’t get it she doesn’t even do anything. All she does is being my friend! Is that already inconvenient for you?? That I have friends and you don’t?!” Lexa pauses as she hears that.

Clarke realises what she just said but Lexa is already walking away from her but the blonde still follows her saying “Lexa! Please I’m sorry I didn’t mean it like that!” Lexa stops turns around and has a look on her face that Clarke never saw before. Her face looks calm but through the brunette’s eyes you can see pure anger seething inside her. Clarke backs away a step because Lexa looks kinda dangerous right now.

“No, you meant it exactly like you said it Clarke. I’m just a stupid lonely girl who doesn’t have any friends.”

“Lexa please…” Clarke wanted to touch her again but didn’t dare to because her girlfriend still had that look on her face.

“Don’t fucking come near me Clarke!” Lexa yells as she noticed that Clarke wanted to reach out to touch her again

“Go with your friends and leave me the fuck alone!! That’s what you people can do best anyway.”

And with that Lexa gets into her car and drives away leaving Clarke behind. Lexa drives like a lunatic while tears are streaming down her face. It’s almost a miracle that she arrived safely at her apartment and immediately starts to pack all of her clothes into a suitcase and calls the pilot of her private jet that she wants to fly back to Chicago tonight. On her way to the tarmac she hears Clarke’s voice again and again in her head

“That I have friends and you don’t??!” "That I have friends and you don't??!" "That I have friends and you don't??!" "THAT I HAVE FRIENDS AND YOU DON'T??!"

Maybe some people would say that Lexa is overreacting here and that’s not a reason to freak out like this but Clarke doesn’t understand. All these years Lexa struggled to be accepted by the people she loved and they all left her. One after the other, slowly but in the end they were all gone, so she built up these walls to protect her from the cruel and cold world out there. She thought she could just continue to live like this until the day she dies, alone. Then this woman came into her life, tore down her walls, freeing her from that prison of loneliness. But she is right, besides Clarke, Lexa has nobody. If she disappeared today no one would cry for her. So what’s the point? Just give it all up… At least if Lexa leaves she can save herself the pain of being left once more.