Chapter 7
What do you think about death, in reality its not much at all but nothing more than some vagrant idea of what could after. It scares me more than i relise now, its so fast imediate and so perfectly changing. Like a binary switch going from on to off, and thats it and its done, nothing more will ever be done by that person.
Somtimes in the morning when i still pretend to be asleep i think about this, but really the Im only thinking of it now becuase hes gone and will never come back, my mentor, my saviour, my reason for improving into a better person, there gone and he cant come back because of that finality that totality that single mortifiying way that in an instant the light is gone only to be changed to nothing.
It was a normal day kinda like today but slightly diffent the sun shone brighter the sky had more it streched further. the possibilites were endless but suddenly it was dark, the sky retacted like a fish diging into the sea floor to escape the rays of the sun. in that moment the only thing that i could remember was how it was before back before i knew him back before my life changed forever. The sky streched so far then too, everything was massive with possiblity it was possible and god willing everything was going to happen. but death came then too he came with his scyth and cut away all of that possibility and all of those dreams in a single instance like a fly dying of exaustion my parents fell and i was left alone with nothing to my name but the streets infront of me and my name behind me.
The first day after he died i dont think i noticed untill after breakfast that he was gone his moring exersize normaly woke me but this time it was noting ther was nothing for me to hold onto and he as gone i woke on my own hours after the time tat i normaly would have and all i vould think was how nice it was that he was letting me sleep in even though in the back of my mind i knew that it was all over and i kept this facade up... right untill i could feel the tears and hear myself crying.
It was the end i guess that night i sleep under the bridge next to the taco bell, another vagrant wandered in high as god himself floating into the wind. he came down later and i could see the will to live dissapate from his eyes nothing but pain was in them but i knew even then that the only thing that was holding him back from his next hit was time and that time would come soon and when it did he probably would froget all about the world for a ittle while. And i was jelus and angry becuase it was not what i needed but exactly what i wanted. so as soon as he fell asleep i went through his stuff intill i found it, salt water and i drank some and i could feel my legs pulling together letting me feel and see the sea that i knew that i would never truly be able to experence. the man sleeping on the ground next to me his tail already in place letting me see him and his way of life falling into a haze of the kingdom under the sea.
And in that moment i knew what i wanted. I wanted to go there i wanted to see this place for my self i wanted to go and understand why all of the people of the world had such a need for this i wanted... i wanted.... i wanted to feel alive again.
The moment i felt the salt water of my tears i remembered myself years eleair sitting in a ditch not able to move the halucinations of alantis to much for me to handle. my body spasaming in need for just another second of this just one more. and then it ended and the craving begane once more i tried to pick myself up and walk twords tha magical city in the sea but i couldent my legs were fully transformed and my breathing was getting harder and harder not matter what i tried it wouldent help it wouldent fix me i needed to be there i needed to see the world of the sea. I passed out from exaustion right around there i didnt know how i was alive at that point and i wasnt exacly gratefull to whomever had saved me. but i saw him he was floating next to me in the ocean a face wiped clean of pitty a face of understanding. and i knew were i was i was under the sea.
he didnt notice that i was awake that quicly he was looking around to the left and to the right. at the time i wanted to know but i couldent figure it out and really i dont think i would have even if i was in my right mind. he was looking for the way out of the hallucination we where having, that is the only draw back of being a mer person i guess is when you go under water you can have the most wonderfull time but only if you can survive the psycological torture that it is.
The sky above so tantilising but not possible to be veiwed once again and this was the time that the lord had came to me and by the lord i meant the spike that was driven through my right arm. that being one of the ways out you see, pain... pain was the great mediator for everything and when you use it it can be wonderfull or it can be terifying and this really is how the people of the world go to understand in this time and when they go this is what they wanted and needed their hands on they needed the time and the place to go and to be belived in. but the water does not give that to you oh no what it gives is another deamon in and of itself it builds up a dependency and if you dont go and have connectinon with the water your gone your switch is flipped and you shall never be known again you stories will be told but you will fade away so quickly that the mark that you thought that you had on humanity is really noting more than the wind blowing sand on a hill.