Chapter 15
Lunch had been great. After the initial awkwardness they had gone back to talking and laughing as they used to. They both would have gladly sat there for the rest of the day and chatted but after a little over an hour they both had to go back to work. It wasn’t until they went their separate ways that the guilt hit Olivia. She felt sick. She wondered when she became this kind of person. She wondered if it was possible to be in love with two people. She wondered what Alex would say when she told her. She wondered what she wanted. She spent the rest of her day only half present. Her mind kept replaying the lunch with Barba and the way it made her feel. Eventually, at just after five, she called it a day but called and asked Lucy if she could watch Noah a little longer and instead of going home she went to Alex’s office.
Olivia found the woman sitting at her desk working and wearing headphones which was to be expected. The door was open and for a moment the Lieutenant stood in the doorway. She looked at the other woman and couldn’t help but think back to sixteen years before when Cabot was first assigned to SVU. She thought back to the friendship and relationship that development. She thought back to the way that Alex made her heart pound. She remembered the confusion that she felt over the way that the other woman made her feel. She thought back to the times she had hurt Cabot by insisting she was straight or that their relationship couldn’t be discussed. She thought back to the times she broke up with her just so she didn’t have to admit the truth. She remembered the heart-break of those times and the heart-break of Alex leaving so many times. She thought back to the nights she would cry alone in her apartment and feel pathetic. She remembered how whenever she and Alex did get back together that it felt like coming home. Except now. It wasn’t that they fought. It wasn’t that they didn’t get along. Olivia was fairly certain that it wasn’t even that they didn’t love each other. But it wasn’t the same. There was no denying it wasn’t the same. Olivia sighed and knocked to let herself be known.
“Liv,” Alex pulled out the headphones and smiled. “Come in.” Olivia closed the door behind her but was happy that they had a not-at-work-even-if-the-door-is-closed rule because she didn’t think she could handle kissing Alex before doing this.
“I think we have to talk.” Olivia said softly. “We can meet at your apartment later if that is better.”
“Now is fine.” Alex put her pen down and looked across the table. “Is this about Barba?” Olivia was taken aback by the question.
“Uhm.”
“It’s okay. I saw you two at Rollins party talking.” Alex shrugged. “It’s been pretty clear to me that you aren’t over him.”
“I …”
“You don’t have to explain.” Alex waved her hands. “You didn’t ever get closure. I understand that. If there is anything I understand its needing closure.”
“It is?”
“When I moved back I didn’t intend on coming back to SVU.” Alex explained. They hadn’t really talked about what had prompted her sudden return a few months ago. “I wasn’t happy in D.C. and I realized it was because I just left New York without closure. I mean I kept leaving but I also kept coming back. My last move felt so permanent and that felt good at first. I thought that I had to leave the city but eventually I realized I had to come back.” Alex moved around and perched on the edge of her desk. “When the job came up and I saw you again I wanted my old life back but I’ve come to realize that life is gone.”
“Are you breaking up with me?” Olivia was surprised at Alex’s sudden speech even though she was fairly certain that she would be single by the end of the night she hadn’t expected that to come from Alex.
“I love you Liv. I’ve loved you for sixteen years but … timing never was our friend, was it?”
“Alex,” Olivia placed her hand on the other woman’s knee. “I - I’ve loved you for so long but …” Tears were beginning to fall down Olivia’s cheeks.
Alex wiped away her own tears. “You have provided me with some of the best moments of my life. You have taught me so much and made me a better person. I’ll probably always love you on some level but I think we both have to accept that our lives have changed too much to keep pretending that we can fall back into old habits.” The blonde linked her fingers through Olivia’s. “Even I can tell that he’s your future.”