Chapter 16
Even though it was only the early evening Barba had fallen asleep on his couch the moment he got home. He hadn’t been sleeping properly for weeks – months even. His job kept him busy and stressed out. His mother’s illness kept him worried and stressed out. His failed relationship with Olivia only added fuel to the fire. His brain never stopped thinking and processing. He hardly even tried to sleep anymore instead he dedicated those hours to working. That day it had hit him like a brick though. After his lunch with Olivia he went back to the office only to find that he couldn’t focus. His eyes were too heavy and his body ached for sleep. He took off early, flopped onto the couch, and fell asleep still in his suit. It was the sound of his phone vibrating on the coffee table that woke him up. He expected it to be his work, or his mother, but instead Olivia Benson’s name flashed across his screen. “Liv?” He answered groggily. If he had been fully awake he would have kept it more professional but the words just slipped out.
“Were you sleeping? It’s like seven.” Olivia teased.
“Did you just call to disturb my sleep and make fun of me?” Barba quipped back as he sat up and stretched.
“No, I called because I was wondering if I could come over.” Olivia replied and Barba heard a hint of uncharacteristic nervousness. “I have take-out.”
“Well in that case come on over.”
Olivia arrived at his apartment about ten minutes later with, as promised, a bag of take-out. Barba smiled at the sight of her. He couldn’t deny that he was happy to see her twice in one day after months of essentially no contact. They served out their dinners without talking. It wasn’t until they sat opposite of each other at his small kitchen table that Barba really looked at her. Something was off. He knew that he looked like hell, his hair was messy from sleeping on the couch and he would bet anyone that his eyes resembled that of a racoon, and so he knew he was in no position to judge. It wasn’t that Olivia looked tired like he did but rather she looked sad. “So, not that I’m complaining, but what brought you over here randomly with Chinese food?”
“I just wanted to see you.” Olivia shrugged and tried to sound casual. Barba raised an eyebrow. “Alright, I wanted to talk.”
“About?”
“Us.”
“Is there an ‘us’ to talk about?” Barba put his chop sticks down and looked across at Olivia.
“I’m sorry for how things ended.” Olivia said. “But I’m not sorry that they ended. It’s not that I don’t want to be with you but it is clear that I needed to figure things out. I should have been more open about Alex and the way things ended was awful but I clearly needed time.”
“Did time help?”
“Actually, it did.” Olivia replied. “When I met Alex I was really confused and throughout our relationship I was confused. I struggled with not only trying to keep my personal and professional life separate, which I know you know is hard, but also trying to figure out how I was interested in a woman. Our relationship was ... complicated to say the last. When she left there was so much left unsaid and when she came back it was hard to figure out what I was feeling.”
“And did you figure it out?”
“I figured out that I never had closure when it came to her and that was stopping me from getting over her even after all these years.” Olivia explained. “But over these past few months I’ve also figured out that … you’re the one I want to be with.”
“These past few months have been … awful. I know that I ended it with you and didn’t exactly react well but … it still hurt me.” Barba sighed. “I miss you so much.”
“Do you think we could ever … try again?”
“I … I want to but …” Barba stood up and started to pace. “I don’t know Liv. I’m worried. I don’t think I could go through another break-up.” Olivia stood up and approached him.
“Why would we have to break up again?”
“Well we don’t know. It happened before and it could just as easily happen again.”
“I get that you’re scared and I kind of am too but is that any reason to never try? Is it worth being miserable and never trying just to avoid possible heart-break in the future?” Olivia reached out tentatively and placed put her arms around the waist. The feeling of touching her again was incredible and he had missed more than he thought he did. He placed his arms around her and pressed his lips softly against hers. The kiss was brief but a moment later Olivia kissed him again. It was not brief or soft.