Chapter 10
2009
Olivia Benson splashed water over her face in an attempt to wake up. The two cases, Nikki Sherman’s rape case and the death of Elliot’s son’s friend Shane, had kept her up for the majority of the past two days. Aside from some quick shut-eye in the bunks at the precinct she had been up and working non-stop. She knew that she should go home but she found herself directing the cab to Alex’s apartment instead.
Cabot looked as exhausted as Olivia felt. She was still dressed in her skirt but had thrown a sweat-shirt over her blouse and her hair was thrown up into a messy bun. When she opened the door she didn’t say anything to Olivia rather she just turned away and left the door open. Olivia assumed this was an invitation and followed her inside. Cabot topped off her own wine glass and filled a second one for the detective. The two women stood awkwardly in Alex’s kitchen.
“I heard you re-filed.” Olivia broke the silence.
“Yes and I added charges.” Alex replied. “Still think I can’t do my job?”
“Alex …” Olivia reached out to touch the woman’s arm but Alex jerked away.
“You don’t get to come over here and comfort me when you’re part of the reason I had a bad day.”
“Hey, you’re the one who wanted to try again but I can’t not do my job because we’re …” Olivia trailed off.
“You can’t even say it?” Alex scoffed. “After all this time you can’t admit, even to me, that we’re in a relationship?”
“It’s not like that.”
“Yes, actually it is.” Alex began to pace. “I know that we can’t disclose because of our jobs and maybe our jobs is part of the reason we shouldn’t be together but you can’t deny that you have problems with the fact you’re dating a woman. You always have.”
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2009
Olivia and Alex were always both surprised how quickly they could put their relationship aside and go back to working together. It was the nature of the job. There was too much at stake to let their personal lives and problems stop them from working. It was exactly pleasant, whenever they were alone it was tense, but they got the job done. The only problem was when they both went home alone and lonely. But every morning they would get up, go to work, and pretend that they didn’t miss each other. Pretend that nothing was wrong. It worked. It worked until it didn’t. It worked until Babs Duffy and LesBeStrong walked into the precinct.
“Believe me I know how difficult it can be, conflicting feelings, but the heart wants what the heart wants.” Babs’ words kept replaying through Olivia’s head.
“Babs, you’re bisexual. That’s the truth.” Olivia’s own hypocritical words popped into Olivia’s head. She tried to think of something, anything, else but she couldn’t. All she could think about was how she had lost Alex, again, because she couldn’t admit that she wasn’t straight. That she had told Babs she was bisexual and it was okay yet told herself she straight and that being with Alex didn’t threaten that. Olivia never considered herself to be homophobic yet at the same time she had been denying her own sexuality for so long and so aggressively.
The creep had confessed and was agreeing to plead guilty. The precinct had been empty for nearly an hour and Olivia had stayed to work though she had gotten little accomplished. The sound of heels clicking down the hallway pulled Olivia out of replying the last few days over in her head and back to reality.
“I figured I’d find you hear.” Alex said and she strode towards Olivia. She perched on the edge of Elliot’s desk. “That was quite a … performance.”
“Who says it was a performance?” Olivia replied. “Look, I’m not a lesbian. I like men but I also, obviously, like … well you. I’m bisexual. I’m not sure if I’m going to tell the world quite yet but I can admit to myself and I … I think that is what matters most.”
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2009
Alex Cabot prided herself on not getting overly emotional when it came to cases. Passionate, yes, but emotional no. When she had first started working for the DA’s office she had struggled with that but she quickly built up a thick skin. When she first started working as an ADA she was only twenty-seven and she knew how people saw her as a young, blonde woman and she tried very hard to combat that by detaching herself emotionally from cases. Cabot wasn’t sure what happened with this case. It started with Laney Mcallum, a twenty-four year old who had been raped, and then died from an infection in the hand that was cut during the rape. Cabot watched the woman die after taking her dying testimony. Olivia held the woman’s hand while Cabot stood and tried to figure out how someone could go from perfectly fine to raped and then dead only days later. Cabot thought that was bad enough but was proven wrong when she finally got the chance to talk to Nardalee, a woman from the Congo, who had been gang-raped and forced into a marriage with a war criminal. That night Olivia and Alex shared a drink and outrage over the fact that Nardalee couldn’t get asylum based on the fact that she was a rape victim. Olivia offered to walk Alex home from the bar and, for the first time since she was a new lawyer Alex began to cry over case. It started slow and before she knew it her cheeks were covered in tears and Olivia’s arms were wrapped around her.
When the guilty verdict came down Cabot did not feel the usual sense of satisfaction. She was happy, of course, to have gotten justice for Laney but it didn’t feel like enough. She slipped out of the courtroom and back to her office where the papers she had collected that day were waiting. She signed them and brought them to the D.A. before she could talk herself out of it and called back the International Criminal Court task force. She hadn’t meant for Olivia to find out through Nardalee and while the detective kept up appearances in front of Stabler she knew there was a conversation waiting for her that night.
“I’m going to miss you, of course, but how can I be mad? You’re doing such a great thing.” Olivia smiled. “I’m sure it will be hard what with you in Holland and then god knows where after the task force gets off the ground but a lot of people do long distance.” Alex stood up and walked across Olivia’s living room. She couldn’t handle sitting there and looking the woman in the face while she said the next words.
“Olivia …” Alex took a deep breath. “I don’t think long distance will work and I don’t want to drag this out. I don’t want us to break up over a long distance phone call a few months down the road.”
“Alex,” Olivia walked towards the other woman. “You’re the one who wanted to try again. You said that. When you came back to SVU you said you wanted to try again and … and now you’re leaving again and giving up on our relationship? Just like that?”