Chapter 8
2005
Knowing that Alex was alive had been comforting. Knowing that she may never be able to speak to Alex again had been heart-breaking. For two years Olivia had wondered where the ADA was and if she was ever going to see her again. When she turned around in that office to see Alex Cabot standing there she was met with a mix of emotions. She wanted to wrap her arms around the woman, she wanted to kiss her, she wanted to ask if she was okay, she wanted to berate her for putting her life on the line for coming out of witness protection. Instead, she just gave a small smile and felt herself relax a bit more than she had since Alex had left.
The night before Alex was due to testify in court Olivia arrived at Alex’s hotel room to relieve Elliot and be her security detail for the rest of the night. The two quickly fell into the old habit of confiding in one another. Even before their relationship became romantic they were each other's confidants both when it came to professional and personal matters. That had only become a stronger bond after they started seeing each other. The first time they broke up neither had been prepared for how much it would hurt to also lose the person you told everything to. The great irony was that the person both would have gone to to cry over a break-up was each other. When they got back together those old wounds healed yet the relationship has once again come to an end. When Alex left Olivia had felt upset and angry but she never blamed Alex – how could she? She knew that Alex had to leave if she wanted to live. When she had insisted on seeing Olivia and Elliot the night before she was given a new identity and new life Olivia felt like her heart had been ripped out of her. The news that Alex had died had been devastating. Olivia had sat on her living room floor and cried the entire night at the loss. Learning that Alex was alive but had to leave was just as painful but in a different way. Olivia was happy that Alex was alive but not knowing if she would ever get to the see or touch the woman again shattered her heart all over again. Olivia had spent the better part of the past two years in a sea of regret and “what-ifs.” Work had provided a good distraction until Alex Cabot’s face appeared on the screen and the two cases became instantly intertwined.
All of the sudden Alex was back in the detective’s life and now the two stood in the small hotel room and looked out onto the city. Even though it was the city that never slept it looked somewhat peaceful at night from so up high. The street lights almost serene. The conversation quickly shifted from casual to the realities of Alex's new life. When she admitted to having a boyfriend Olivia felt like an ice pick went through her gut. She knew she shouldn’t feel hurt. They weren’t together. They hadn’t even been together when Alex went into Witness Protection. Yet, it hurt but Olivia wasn’t mad. She couldn’t be. She couldn't be mad at Alex for living even if she found herself stuck in the past.
Olivia stood in Cragen’s office with a bottle of Champagne. The sight of someone walking towards the door made her heart beat faster. “Is it her?” She asked excitedly . The past few days since Alex's return had been unbelievably hard and impossible but Olivia had watched with pride as Alex fought past her fear and testified. Olivia watched as Alex stared down the man who had attempted to kill her and challenge him. Olivia watched as Alex helped the young boy, Antonio, who had seen more horror than any child, or person, should face his own fears and testify. It had been worth it - they had won. Olivia couldn't help but feel excited as the door opened only instead of the ADA it was a man who worked for the bureau. He explained that Alex was back in the witness protection program with yet another new identity.
“She wanted me to say goodbye for her.”
Olivia felt deflated. Alex was gone again – maybe forever. Alex was gone and she didn’t even say goodbye. Olivia didn't feel sad - Olivia was angry.