Mixed Messages

Before she could say anything, Christen felt her eyes well up with tears as she surveyed the girl in front of her.  Was this real?  How did - how COULD Tobin do this?  Hours ago she’d told her she had nothing to worry about and she’d trusted her completely.  Shirley stood still, hanging against the door, waiting for her to make a move.  

Fight or flight.  Her body was waiting on her to react and without much of a thought, she stepped forward, needing to know what was behind the door; she was going to meet this head on.  Christen pushed past the girl, breakfast tray still in hand.  Tobin was in her bed, looking like she was still asleep.  As she inched closer she could see Tobin’s eyes tightly shut and her body language read like she was oblivious to the conscious.  She spun back around to see Shirley smugly watching her downward spiral but something didn’t seem right to her.  Looking back at the bed, Tobin seemed to be in the same spot she’d placed her the night before, the glass of water on her nightstand at about the same level as she remembered. If something had happened, wouldn’t Shirley look a little less...perfect?  But how did she get here? These questions burned in her brain and there was only one way to find out.

“Tobin?”  Christen reached out her hand to rustle her girlfriend awake, wanting an immediate explanation for the situation.  It took a few more jabs with her palm to her shoulder before she saw her mouth twist up in displeasure at the feeling and her eyes slowly fluttered open.  Tobin looked up at her and as her eyes adjusted to the darkness, a warm look filled her face.  “You brought me breakfast! I knew it!”

Dumbfounded, Christen realized the tray she had prepared was still resting in one hand and against her hip.  It wasn’t exactly the reaction she’d expected, but it was a good sign.  Without saying a word, she stood to the side where she was blocking the view of Shirley.  As soon as Tobin saw her, she let out a small gasp, her face overcome with a mixture of confusion and anger.  “What are you doing here?” she asked, looking back and forth between the two girls.

“I slept here last night.” Shirley didn’t budge from her stance.

Christen looked back at Tobin who was sitting up now, trying to piece together the puzzle which it seemed she was trying to do as well.  “No you didn’t, Christen brought me home.  I remember that much.”

Shirley was fulling facing them, finding amusement in the situation.  “I came after that, mi amor.”  

Anger filled her, mostly at Shirley but partly at Tobin who put her in this position.  She wanted to know what Tobin had said to her earlier in the kitchen to make Shirley think this was even near acceptable.  “Don’t call me that.  Christen,” she said with her eyes pleading upwards and rocking onto her knees, “ I didn’t invite her here or do anything.  Where’s my phone, check that, I promise.  I didn’t let her in.  The last thing I remember is you putting me in bed.  I swear,”  her voice cracked as she sputtered out the words in pure panic while searching around for her phone.  

She weighed the words, feeling like Tobin was telling the truth.  But, she knew Tobin had a lot to drink the night before and there was a chance she wasn’t recalling everything that had happened.   Turning her head slightly she said, “Shirley you need to go, now.”  She refused to look at the girl again but her voice was strong and steady.  Tobin watched her move over her shoulder, a look of hatred spewing out.  

“Call me when she’s done with you, Tobin.  I’ll be waiting.”

“GET OUT.  What is WRONG with you?”  Tobin swung her legs over the edge of the bed, pacing past her to move Shirley out of her room.  Her outburst took everyone by surprise, making Shirley stumble backwards, realizing she meant business.   “What kind of person goes out of their way to do something like this?  There is not a chance in HELL I would ever want anything to do with you again.”  Her voice was loud and commanding, drawing Alex into the hallway from her own room as a spectator.

“Tobin, I -”

“NO. You’re done. Get OUT.”  Her fists were clenched and her teeth scraped against each other while she shouted only inches from the girl. Christen stood watching the whole thing unfold, unable to move from her spot.  Shirley backed out of the room like a dog with it’s tail between it’s legs, Alex ready to escort her.  She gave a desperate look towards Tobin before disappearing from sight when Tobin slammed the door behind her.  Without hesitation, she rushed to her side, clutching at her free hand.  “Christen, talk to me.”

Her head was swimming with conflict, her thoughts somewhere in the murky waters of doubt.  “I don’t know what to say.”  

Tobin gently took the tray out of her grip and placed it on the floor before she wrapped her in a big embrace with a death grip around her back.  “Say anything.  Whatever you’re thinking, I want to know.  Talk to me,”  pain radiated from her face as she spoke.

“How do I know nothing happened?” her voice quivered while she stood stiffly.    

Pulling only her head back, she could see moisture forming in the corners of Tobin’s eyes.  “I know it didn’t.  I didn’t even know she was here, I’m telling you.  I fell asleep as soon as you left, there’s no way I would have let her anywhere near this house if I woke up.”

Christen wanted to believe her, she really did.  “But you had a lot to drink.” Her head drooped to the ground while she collected herself.

Tobin’s arms tightened around her.  “It wouldn’t matter how much I had, Christen.  Nothing could make do anything to jeopardize this. Nothing!”  She had to admit, all the signs pointed to Tobin being honest.  For the first time, she allowed herself to bed held, silent tears streaming down her hot cheeks.  Tobin stroked the back of her hair, whispering her apologizes and calming her cry.  After what felt like eternity, they separated and Tobin pulled her hand towards the bed.  “Lay down with me, Chris.  You need to sleep.”

“But you just slept all night, you won’t be tired.”

Christen hesitantly kicked off her shoes and slid under the covers despite her verbal protest.  “I don’t care, I just want to hold you.”  

She felt Tobin pull her closer, in towards her chest as she faced away from her. The contact was familiar but also awkward at the same time. After a few moments of silence, the questions started to fall out of her mouth.  “Were those your clothes she was wearing?”

“No.” They didn’t seem familiar.

“How did she get in the house?”

“I have no clue.” Did someone let her in?  Was the door unlocked?

“Did something happen in the kitchen?”

“No. I told her basically the same thing I told her a few minutes ago.  I promise.” It must not have been gotten through.  

Silence.

“Do you believe me?” Tobin quietly asked, almost too quiet to hear.

She didn’t know how to respond.  Everything about Tobin’s reaction to the situation told her that she wouldn’t have intentionally ruined their relationship, but something told her it wasn’t that simple.  She started to feel suffocated, both physically and mentally.  “I need some space, I think.”  Tobin immediately release her hands from the front of her stomach, sliding backwards.  “Is that better?”

Christen sat up, still turned away from her girlfriend.  “I mean in general.  I’m going to my room, I need to think about all this.”  She turned to get her bearings and hop out of the warm, cozy cacoon but Tobin stopped her with a firm voice.  

“No.”

Christen faced her, slightly afraid of the force behind her gaze and tone.  “What?”

Tobin sat up on her knees, at eye level, “I said no.  You are not leaving this time.  You walked out once and I am not going to let it happen again.”  She was right, but this time if felt different.  There was something gnawing at her saying she needed more answers and she wasn’t going to get them from Tobin.  “I have to go. I promise I’m not running from you, just give me a little time.”  She reached out to squeeze her hand but Tobin flinched, as if she was wounded by the words.  “Please,” she whispered, “stay.”  

They didn’t move, tension building between them.  Eventually Christen shook her head, “I’ll be back, I promise.”  So she didn’t second-guess herself she turned away and out of the bed, eyeing the breakfast tray now stale and meaningless on the floor.  

“I love you, Christen.” The words were heart-wrenching, meekly coming behind her.

Spinning, she made sure Tobin was looking directly in her eyes before returning the sentiment.  “I love you too, Tobin.”  

“Then why does it feel like you’re leaving me?”  Christen cocked her head to the side, showing a lighter version of herself in the situation.  “I’m just leaving the room, not you.  I’ll check back in with you a little later, I promise. There’s a couple of Excedrin on the breakfast tray for your hangover so take those and try to eat something.”

She left the room, leaving Tobin to fend for herself while she started on her mission.  When downstairs, she found her roommates huddled together in the common room, clearly talking about what had just went down.

“Are you ok, Chris?” Kelley rushed to her, examining her as if she had been assaulted.  

Ignoring the question, she started grilling the girls.  “Who let her in last night?  Did anyone see her?”  

Ali looked guilty, raising her hand slightly beside her.  “I’m so sorry, Christen.  She caught up with Ashlyn and I on the walk home and said she forgot something in Tobin’s room the last time she was here.  I didn’t think anything of it to be honest.  I figured she’d be in and out and I was … distracted.”  The poor girl’s cheeks were flushed and she couldn’t maintain eye contact when she talked.  

“So you didn’t see her leave?”  She and Tobin were one of the first ones home that night but Christen couldn’t remember hearing Ali or anyone for that matter come in during the night.  I slept peacefully because I was so content and happy to have Tobin safe.  

“No,” her friend confirmed.  “But we got home I think at like, 2:15 2:30?  It was super late I remember.”  Christen acknowledged her and gave her a tight smile.  “Anyone else?”

Alex piped up, “She was wearing my clothes.”  Her head hung sheepishly, staring at her fingernails.  Alex’s clothes?  Why?

She waited for her to keep going. “I went to the bathroom at like 3:00 this morning and when I opened the door she was sitting at the top of the stairs just sobbing. I was kinda drunk and felt bad so I said she could sleep downstairs so she didn’t have to walk back and gave her something to sleep in.”

“Did you talk to her about why she was crying?”  Christen felt a wave of anger rising from her stomach at the girl, but tried to keep it in check.  

“She said we were so mean to her in the kitchen and that Tobin hated her and you had so much more to offer.  It made me feel bad about the things I said, so I tried to make it a little better.”  We?  As in me and Tobin?  Or her and Tobin?

Christen softened her tone, “what did you tell her?”  Alex looked up, recognizing the shift in mood.  “I - I told her that you were better than her in every aspect for Tobin and I wished she’d never come back.”  Instantly, Christen realized she needed to thank her for sticking up for her, no matter how harsh the delivery might have been.  “Thanks, Al.  What did Tobin say?”

The taller girl’s eyes darted around the circle, seeming unsure of whether it was her place to give that information.  “She didn’t talk to you about this?”   She shook her head, indicating that no, they hadn’t discussed it at length.  

“Tobin told her that there was nothing she could say or do to drive the two of you apart, that no matter how hard she tried to scare you off that she wouldn’t let it happen.  She was kinda drunk herself and rambled in between, but you know, that was the gist.  She kept repeating, “I love Christen, I love Christen.”  

Her tongue clicked against the roof of her mouth, searching for the right question to ask.  “And...what did Shirley say?”  

“She mostly listened, but I can tell you, what she ended with all makes sense now.”  Alex looked her straight in the eye as she told her, “she said ‘by this time tomorrow, there’s no way you two will be together.’”  

Everyone’s eyes went wide and small sighs and gasps filled the air.  Christen tried to piece it all together.  In a way, it felt like Shirley’s actions were more of a personal vendetta against her rather than her actually caring to be with Tobin.  “So you think she planned this?  Is she that manipulative?”  Allie interjected for the first time, “she must be if she went this far.  I for one am a little shocked about all this, I don’t know about you guys.”  She couldn’t agree more with that statement, but knew composure was key.  “I need to get some air, but thanks you guys.”

“You’re not mad at us?” Ali questioned, hope in her voice.  

“No, I’m not mad at you guys, you didn’t know what was going to happen.  But can I ask a favor?  Check in on Tobin in a little and make sure she’s doing ok.  I’ll be back soon.”  Christen broke the huddle and went for her coat in the living room.  No one stopped her and she emerged from the house feeling a sense of freedom as she breathed in the morning air once again.  Her feet stomped past her car, pounding the pavement on her walk.  She only had one destination on her mind.

…..

She surveyed the soccer house in front of her, cups spewed all over the lawn from the night before.  There didn’t look to be much activity going on inside the house, but this was probably the only place in town she was sure Shirley could be.  She knocked a few times, each time harder than the last but no one appeared to be moving.  Trying the door herself, she was relieved when it opened easily.  “Hello?” she called inside the open room.  

What a mess.  There were puddles of what could alcohol spills, snow and ice tracked inside or...nope.  She wasn’t going to even guess that.  Treading carefully across the floor, she heard footsteps descending down the steps.  

“Hey Christen!”  Danny spotted her before she saw him.  “What are you doing here?  Forget something here last night?”

Never before had she been so happy to see him.  “Hey! No, I didn’t.  I actually was looking for Shirley.  Is she here?”  

Danny’s face dropped, filling with concern.  “You’re not gonna like, attack her or anything?”  She laughed, imagining herself even attempting to hit someone.  “No, but I see who’s side you’d take,” she joked.  A sense of relief visibly filled him and he continued towards her.  “Honestly, I haven’t seen her this morning but if I had to guess, she’s probably upstairs in her old room, second door on the left on the third floor.”

“Thanks, Danny.”  She gave him a little love tap, platonic of course, with her hip as she stepped past him.  “Should I come with you?” he asked.

“No, it’ll be fine.  I just need to talk to her for a minute.”  He nodded in understanding, “good luck.”  

Her legs were exhausted by the time she made it upstairs, her earlier walk too quick of a pace than she was used to.  The door was shut and the hall was silent, so she knocked quietly, hoping not to cause a disturbance or draw attention from the rooms around her.  Shirley opened the door immediately, shocked that it was her on the other side

“What do you want?”  Her bloodshot eyes narrowed in, traces of eyeliner smudged in the outer corners of her eyes.  The door was only slightly cracked and it didn’t appear she was going to be invited inside.  

“I’m going to ask some questions and you’re going to give me some answers.”  Her mantra was chanting in the back of her brain, “keep going, keep going, keep going.”  Shirley didn’t answer her, unreadable expression on her face.  What do I do if she says no or won’t talk?

Slowly, Shirley opened the door, revealing a bare bedroom except for a few suitcases and an air mattress in the middle of the floor.  “I’ll give you two minutes, then you can get the hell out.”   How sweet of her.

Since she was on the clock, she wasted no time.  “YOu have a lot of nerve taking advantage of all the important people in my life, Shirley.  Alex, Ali,  you know them from what I’ve heard and you manipulated them into this sick and twisted plan of yours?”

The girl stood in front of her, unamused and unaffected with her arms crossed.  “I don’t even know where to start about Tobin but I think I’m finally figuring this all out.  The person you have the biggest problem with is me, isn’t it?  This isn’t about wanting or having Tobin back, because if it was you’d realize your actions wouldn’t make her run to you.  You’re doing this to hurt me, right?”

Shirley dropped her arms, standing blankly in front of her with an unconvincing smile on her face.  “You’re wrong.”

“No,” Christen told her confidently.  “I think at one point you might have wanted Tobin back but when you realized that wasn’t going to happen you went after me.  Why is that?”

“What do you even care, Christen?  Why are you here?”  She could see the wall around Shirley breaking down, thinking she’d hit a nerve.  “I told you, I want answers.”

A minute or so passed without a word before Shirley said anything, slightly timid.  “She likes you more than me.”  It was simple, no elaboration.  “Ok…” Christen pondered aloud, not making sense of the statement.

“She loves you way more than she ever loved me and I don’t like it.”  Her intuition was spot on.  “So you decided to make my life a living hell?”  

“I didn’t want to hurt Tobin again so yes, you were the best target.”  

“Why would you  go to her room last night?   When you did that, did you think she’d really come back to you?”  Shirley looked guilty again, breaking eye contact and looking at the floor.  “I don’t know.  I don’t like being replaced and I wasn’t expecting it when I came back this fall.  Everyone loved you, Christen this, Christen that.  It was sickening to watch Tobin look and talk about you like that.  I wanted you gone for good even if it means I can’t be with Tobin.”

Christen smiled for the first time, confirming what she’d suspected:  her relationship with Tobin wasn’t going to fail because of a third party.  If she was able to weather this storm with only a few minor bumps and bruises, they would make it - together.  “I’m not going anywhere, Shirley.”  Things wouldn’t always be perfect but now more than ever she was sure that their relationship was worth the fight.

“So I see,” she snorted.  “I pegged you to be a weak type, someone who folded under pressure easily.”  

“Maybe,” Christen agreed, “but not when it comes to Tobin.  You say you’re not trying to hurt her but you are.  When something happens to me, it affects her more than it would if it happened to her.  And I won’t let anything bad happen to her so leave us alone.  That’s the last time either one of us are going to tell you that.”  A weight had been lifted and feeling like she’d said her piece and there was a finality in the air, she spun on her heels to leave.

“Nothing happened.  She never even woke up.”  The words stopped her in her tracks.

“Excuse me?”

Shirley let out a heavy sigh and slumped, “I sat up all night on the floor by the door because I knew you’d come looking for Tobin eventually that morning.  Alex gave me a shirt and I saw an opportunity to piss you off.  Nothing happened between us, she was passed out all night.”  She looked embarrassed and defeated, appearing much shorter than she actually was.  

Smiling sweetly, she nodded.  “I already knew that.  I trust Tobin.”

……...