Mixed Messages

She exited the house, eager to get back her own to talk to Tobin again after chatting with a few of the guys who had emerged from their rooms during her confrontation with Shirley.  It felt like one suspenseful chapter of their relationship had ended and they’d begin a new one on level grounding.  The wind had picked up in the past hour or so, whipping her around while she kept her head down.  Her hands dug into the deep pockets of her coat where she felt something, some kind of money.  She pulled out a twenty dollar bill to her delight and made the decision to stop for a quick coffee that would keep her warm.

In the cafe, she pulled out her phone, hands almost too frozen to function. Two missed calls from Alex. She can wait. She found Tobin’s name right away and decided text her.

Christen: Be home soon babe.  Bringing coffee.

Thanking the barista for the two coffees, she pulled her hood up over her ears so she could continue on her way, only a few blocks to go.  

As soon as she walked into the house, she felt the relief of the warm air thawing her out but there were people waiting for, anticipation  between them.  

“Why didn’t you pick up your phone?” Alex demanded, hopping off of the kitchen stool and taking a step closer in her direction.  She could see that Kelley also looked concerned.  “I was carrying coffee.”  Christen held up the evidence, “I was almost back anyway.”  

Kelley’s voice came out softly, “Tobin left.”  

Puzzled, Christen looked around for any sight of counterfactual information.  Had she seen Tobin’s car when she walked up? She couldn’t remember even looking in the direction of the driveway.  “What do you mean she left?

“She came down like twenty minutes ago and when we told her you went out, she freaked.  Grabbed her keys and just bolted,” Alex told her.  Kelley added, “She didn’t even give us time to tell her you said you’d be back.”  

Oh shit.  “Let me call her, I’ll tell her to come home.”  Christen set down the coffees on the counter to reach once again for her phone.  “It goes straight to voicemail.”  Kelley held up her own phone, “we’ve tried that.  Which is why we called you.”

Panic filled her own voice, “what do we do?”.   Kelley put her arms on either side of her waist, guiding her into the chair to take some pressure off.  “I think she’ll be back, she probably just went looking for you.”

Christen felt so guilty in the moment, but thought she was clear when she had told Tobin that she wasn’t leaving her.  All she needed was a little time to herself and that she would make it back to her.  Where could she have gone?  Going through the list of possibilities in her head, she realized she’d never find her by just searching blindly.  The best option was to sit and wait, hoping she turned on her phone or came back quickly.

Her friends waited with her in silence for a while, everyone sipping a coffee or picking at food Kelley had taken from the fridge.  “Do you think she’s okay?” she asked, scared of anything but a positive response.

Kelley nodded, “I’m sure she’s fine.”  The girl’s eyes darted back to Alex, “Chris?”

“Yeah?”

She watched Kelly bite her bottom lip for a second, indicating she was nervous to tell her, “I’m supposed to leave in a few hours and I haven’t even packed.  Do you want to come and hang out in my room while you wait?”  Christen had completely lost track of time this week, realizing that between today and tomorrow all of her roommates would be heading home for the winter break.  Julie had left early this morning, putting a post-it note on her door telling her she’d call/text over the next few weeks and she’d miss her.  By this time tomorrow, her and Tobin were supposed to be the only ones left in the house, giving them two full days of privacy.   If she ever comes back.

“No, I think I’ll just stay down here but you go, I’m sorry for dragging you into this.”  Kelley flashed a reassuring smile, “it’s okay.  I just hope everything turns out alright.”   You and me both.

Alex copied Kelley’s move, leaving her alone in the kitchen to worry and wallow.  It had been the right move to go see Shirley and clear the air once and for all, but she never expected Tobin to react this way or be back to square one feeling like they weren’t communicating well.  She trudged over to the couch, feeling mentally exhausted while she sunk into the plush cushions behind her.  Trying one more time, she heard the voicemail pick up on Tobin’s end, meaning her phone was still off.  Why would she turn her phone off?  That worries me.

She tried to distract herself with some tv, flipping through the channels aimlessly with nothing catching her eye.  Allie came downstairs a while later to find her moving too quickly to even process what she was looking at.  “Hey, you okay?” she asked while carrying a large suitcase.  

“Just waiting for Tobin.”  Allie gave her an unknowing look so she clarified, “She took off.”  The look in Allie’s eyes reflected pity, knowing that her friend was likely hurting.  “She’ll be back, Christen.”

That’s all either could manage to say and Allie continued up and down the steps, a different piece of luggage in her hands each time. “I think I got it all,” she said about a half hour later.  “I’m gonna get going but please, PLEASE call me or text me and let me know if Tobin’s okay.”

“I will,” she confirmed.  “You and Bati have a safe drive, let us know when you made it to New York.”  Allie realized asking Christen to meet her halfway off the couch was too much, so she came right in front of her and dipped down to squeeze her tightly.  “It’ll all be okay, I know it.”  

“Thanks, Al.”  

“Can I get one of those too?”  Kelley poked her head through the common room door, much less luggage than Allie had propped up against her.  Christen didn’t want her to leave yet, but she knew that her family had early plans for the holiday with extended family.  “Of course.”

Kelley swooped in, rocking her side to side with the heavy embrace.  They remained attached for what felt like minutes, giving Christen the opportunity to really appreciate all the support that her friend had given in the last few months.  She hoped that for once, she’d be able to reciprocate and be the less needy one in the relationship.  “I’ll miss ya,” Christen whispered.  “Text me and let me know you got home safe.”

They broke apart but she couldn’t help but notice Kelley’s hesitation to leave.  “Are you sure you’ll be okay?”  

“I think so.  I’m just worried that I can’t get in touch with her.  She has to come eventually, right?”   Kelley and Allie both agreed with her; there’s no way that Tobin could leave for the month without taking anything with her or tying up loose ends.  “You guys go ahead, I’ll let you know what happens.”  

The girls turned opposite directions after giving each other a quick hug to go out their respective front doors to their cars.  All that was left now was her, Alex, Ali and somewhere out there, Tobin.  It was now almost 2:30 and she estimated that Tobin had gone almost what, 3 and hours?  

The seconds turned into minutes, the minutes into hours as the sun set slowly out the window.  People had come in and out of the house, checking on her each time with gentle concern and reassurance.  She tried Tobin’s phone every once in a while, crossing her fingers that each time she would hear a ring.

Kelley: Anything?

Christen: Nope.  Her phone is still off.

Kelley: Keep me updated.

It was almost dark when her stomach rumbled beneath the pillow she was clutching against her tightly.  Right as she was going to finally get up and find something to eat, she saw headlights streak through the window. Springing from the sofa, she could see the outline of an SUV in the driveway, but couldn’t make out the model with the blinding light.  She ran towards the opposite side of the house, flinging the front door open and running out onto the porch.  The lights turned off and Tobin stepped out of her car, eyes following her movement warily.  

“Tobin!”

The girl in front of her looked worn, her hair stringy and long, begging for a comb to go through it.  She was wearing the same clothes she’d put her in the night before and traces of a mascara ring around her eyes were evident.  Christen waited for her to slowly walk up the steps, keeping a distance between them.

“Where were you?” she cried.  Tobin didn’t answer immediately, hesitantly looking down towards her shuffling feet.  “Looking for you,”  she told her quietly.

Christen pulled at her, closing her eyes to hug her warm body tightly.  She pressed her cheek firmly against the girl’s while starting to cry.  “I’ve been here the whole time.  I was so worried about you.”  Tobin had yet to react to her touch, standing lifelessly inside of her grasp but it didn’t necessarily worry her at the moment.  “Come inside, it’s too cold for you out here.”

Tobin followed her without saying a word into the house, sitting in the space Christen patted next to her on the couch.  She helped her delicately unzipped her North Face, concentrating on her distant eyes.  “Tobs?”  

The familiar honey brown eyes finally struck her own, showing a sadness behind them that she’d yet to experience.  “Tobs,” Christen repeated, “talk to me.”  

“Why did you leave?”

Christen knew Tobin struggled with their earlier conversation.  “I told you, I just needed a little space.  But see?  I came back, I always was going to come back Tobin. I had to go take care of something.”

Tears streamed from the sides of Tobin’s eyes, collecting at the point on her chin.  “I couldn’t find you,” she  whispered.  Seeing her like this broke Christen’s heart and realized that this must have been what it felt like for Tobin to see her that night on the bathroom floor and in her room, so hurt and distraught.  She wrapped her arms once again tightly around her, hushing her quiet sobs.  

“It’s okay,” she soothed, “we’re okay.”  A puddle of moisture collected against her shirt so she pushed Tobin back a little to look at her.  “You were gone for a long time, where did you go?”

Sniffling, Tobin wiped underneath her nose, looking exasperated.  “I went everywhere I thought you might be.  I went to so many coffee shops, the library, around the block a few times, the tennis courts.”  She added up the amount of stops in her head and did the math - it shouldn’t have kept Tobin away for five hours.  “Anywhere else?”  

Tobin nodded, but didn’t give away the information she harbored.  She had to know where it was, so she shot her a warning look as if to say don’t make this difficult.   “I went to the airport.”  

Christen was taken back by location, unsure of what it meant.  “Why?” she questioned.

Tobin looked at her apprehensively.  “First I went to see if maybe you’d gone there, to you know, leave - go back to California early.  Then I realized that was probably extreme.”

She laughed, easing the nerves she saw on Tobin’s face.  “Yeah, babe, just a little.”

“But then I started to panic again and thought maybe I should go early and give you the space you said you needed.  I went back and forth about buying a ticket for a while.”   Christen was concerned Tobin’s thoughts had gone to this place, “I would never want you to leave like that and when I said space I didn’t mean that much,” she asserted, cupping her face with both hands.  

“I know,” Tobin sighed.  “That’s why I didn’t.  I started to calm myself down on the way home but took a few detours.  I needed to collect myself before I saw you again which obviously didn’t work.”  

Christen nodded in understanding, but scolded her.  “I wish you would have turned your phone on.  I would have at least been able to know you were okay.  Or you could have called me to ask where I was.”  Her girlfriend looked away, darting her eyes back briefly to admit, “I don’t know where my phone is.  I left without it.”  She gasped at the confession, thinking how reckless it was to be out by herself in the car without some sort of lifeline.  “Tobin!”

“I know, I know.”  Tobin shifted away from her, “I'm so sorry. Let me run up to my room quick so I can charge it.  How many panicked messages do I have from you?”  On her way out of the room Christen shook her head and called, “none.”

Tobin stopped and turned around, “none?”

“None.  I called over and over but I never left a message.  I hung up each time I heard voicemail.”  She couldn’t tell if this upset or relieved her girlfriend at the moment, reading her face.  “I guess I thought if your phone wasn’t on it was  because you were avoiding me and what good is a voicemail?  I wanted the real voice.”  

She watched her continue up the steps and out of sight, not saying anything.  Shoot, she’s mad. Probably thinks I didn’t care as much as I said I did.  A few minutes passed before Tobin came back down, a charger and her phone in hand.  She plugged it into the wall, seeing the screen immediately light up as it turned on.  Buzzing, dinging filled the room as message after message flooded the phone.  

“Geez, Alex,” Tobin said to herself.  She held it up so Christen could see.  “12 voicemails.”  

Christen laughed, “you should probably call or text her right away to let her know you’re alive. I think she’s out somewhere with Serv.”

Tobin studied the screen.  “You’re right, no panicked messages from you.  Just one text.”  She looked back up in her direction.  “This was earlier this morning.”

She confirmed the statement with a smile.  “I didn’t leave for very long.”  

“Where’d you go?”  

Christen took a deep breath, not knowing whether now was the right time to tell her about the conversation she’d had with Shirley.  Things seemed to be calmer but not perfect between them yet.  They’d have to talk about how to handle themselves in these type of situations to avoid this in the future.  “I went to see Shirley.”  

Tobin’s face filled with horror, her eyes bugging out and mouth spilling open ever so slightly.  “Where?  Why?”  

“I needed to know how last night happened and why.”  

“Christen, look.  Here.  See? I didn’t text her or call her last night,” she scrolled through the phone, showing the lack of messages/contact she had with Shirley.

Christen pushed the phone down, not looking at it.  “I know, Tobin.  I know she came on her own.  I went to confront her about it and why she doing all of this.”

“What happened?”  She visibly relaxed at Christen assurance that she hadn’t made the move to invite Shirley into her room the night before.  Placing her head in her lap, she looked up for the answer. “She was at the soccer house and we talked for a few minutes.  I think I knew right away when I walked in your room that something was wrong, but I had to know why she was doing it.  I figured out pretty quickly that she was trying to hurt me because I was in the position she wanted to be in.”

Tobin hummed, processing what she said.  “But how would any of that make me want her?”  Christen ran her fingers through Tobin’s hair while she talked.  “I thought the same thing and then I understood it wasn’t about you.  She was just out to get the person who had replaced her and she pretty much said it was true.”  

“Wow.  So then did she tell you that nothing happened between us?”  

“Yes.”

She stopped the movement of her hand as Tobin closed her eyes in relief.  “See, I told you.”  Christen cupped her head tightly against her, “yeah but I didn’t need you or her to tell me.  I already knew you wouldn’t do that.  It just took a little bit to get over the shock to realize it.”  She lifted Tobin’s head and slid herself down to match her lying position on the couch.  Looking her square in the eye she said, “I trust you Tobin and I love you.  We might need to work on how we communicate, but that’s one thing I know.  We love each other and won’t let anything bad happen.”

Tobin’s lips were greeting hers before she had time to finish her proclamation.  There was so much meaning behind this simple kiss that she paused, willing time to stand still while she felt every curve and ridge of the mouth against her own.  “Chris,” Tobin started.

“You know what?  I think we’ve had enough for today.”

She smiled back at her, acknowledging her true meaning of the words.  Tobin leaned back in so she could deep the kiss by opening her mouth to capture her own, tongues slowly sliding across each other.  Christen felt a small electric jolt run through her body, eyelids heavy in contentment.  “I have an idea,” she suggested.  “Since breakfast in bed was spoiled by our, um, visitor,  why don’t we order something and spend the rest of the night having dinner in bed?”

Tobin’s eyes shined, “burgers and fries? I’m so hungry.”  

“Whatever you want, babe.”  

They got up off the couch in sync, holding hands tightly while they went to the kitchen to find a takeout menu buried in the junk drawer.

“So, how was your final? I never had the chance to ask.”

………...