Chapter 11
Ouch. Christen woke up with her head throbbing. She looked at her clock, reading 6:22 am. The house below her sounded eerily quiet, so she tiptoed across the room to her door. She stepped out into the cool hallway and slowly descended down the steps. A light radiated under the common room door, so she slid it back as gently as she could. To her surprise, Tobin was there, curled up on the couch. Do I go wake her? Where’s Shirley? The girls had a walk through at 8:00 am, so they’d all be up soon and her questions would have to be answered. Her headache knocked on her forehead, reminding her of the reason she went downstairs. She went to the kitchen and took out the massive bottle of Excedrin from the medicine cabinet and a warm bottle of water from the top of the fridge. Lost in her own thoughts, she barely noticed Tobin standing under the frame of the door.
“Hey.”
Christen looked up. “Hey,” she returned softly.
“Are you okay?”
She wanted to be mad, but couldn’t be. Tobin hadn’t done anything wrong. And that face, it was so hard to feel anything but happiness when she saw it. Instead, she turned to show her the red marks that were inevitably plastered to her cheeks. “At least no blood?”
Tobin sighed in relief and started to walk towards her. It was unexplained but her mood shifted when she saw this. “No.”
Stopping, Tobin questioned her. “Why? What’s wrong?”
“Where’s Shirley?”
Tobin took a half step forward. “She’s upstairs in my bed.”
Christen’s eyes went wide and filled with horror. “I slept down here, Christen,” Tobin assured her, reading her expression correctly. “Your door was locked, I came up to find you.”
“Oh.” She remembered she had done that, but couldn’t think of why at the moment. Maybe she self-consciously knew Tobin would try to escape the situation to find her and she selfishly wanted her to work for her attention. The look on Tobin’s face pulled at her heartstrings. She wanted her to come right out and tell her that it was her she wanted, not Shirley. It was the only thing that would convince her that nothing had actually happened between them.
“Why is she here?”
Tobin took a seat at the counter, a safe distance between them. “She’s here with her national team for a friendly in Charlotte. I completely forgot about it.”
Christen thought back to her conversation with Danny the night before. He had tried to warn her, but they’d been interrupted. “I was so surprised to see her, so I can imagine you were too.”
“Very. And I’m kinda pissed none of the guys warned me. She said they’d been in on it. I guess she gave them a totally different impression about where we stood.” Stirring from upstairs brought their attention to the ceiling. Julie walked down the steps moments later, Ali a few after that.
“Morning guys,” Tobin greeted them.
“TOBIN! I heard Shirley’s here? What is that?” Ali whispered.
“You don’t have to whisper, she’s in my room. She can’t hear you.” Julie’s hand flew to her chest like she’d been hit with something, much like the ball to Christen’s face. “WHAT?!”
“No, not like that. I told her she could stay since it was late last night but I slept in the common room.” Everyone processed the information and Ali looked at Christen. “You okay?” she asked. Unsure of whether she had caught on to the entire situation or meant the welt on her face, she gave a simple “yes” and they moved on.
The girls had to get ready for practice, so Christen went back up to her room. Tobin had texted her, unwilling to communicate in front of the other girls that she wanted to spend some time with her this afternoon and talk.
Christen: I have a tennis match at 1. Can we do something tonight?
Tobin: We have a team dinner at a few of the senior’s house. Will you wait up for me?
Christen: Yes.
………….
The minutes after the girls left for dinner went slowly by that night Christen was sitting on the couch with Allie, who had ditched Jose for a night in to relax.
“Ugh, my body is punishing me for the amount I’ve been drinking lately, she whined. Christen had become fond of Allie and appreciated their time together. She was easy to talk to and they had a lot in common.
“Hey, Allie. Can I ask you something?”
“As long as it’s not if I want a drink.” It made her laugh before she continued. “What’d you think of Tobin and Shirley as a couple? Did you like them?” Allie sat in silence for a few moments. “Why do you ask?”
“Just curious?” She crossed her fingers as she lied.
“Pretty uneventful?” What kind of description is that? “They had an easy relationship. Never really argued about anything. They both had soccer in common so they spent a lot of time doing stuff with that.” Her facial expression told her she was leaving a few details out and it wasn’t exactly what she wanted to know or hear. Christen didn’t comment further, so Allie continued. “They were good together, everyone liked them. But when Shirley tried to end it, Tobin didn’t really process it. She wasn’t angry, never cried, or at least from what I saw she didn’t. Just everything went on as normal and she almost pretended nothing was wrong. Then one day, boom. She agreed it was for the best and that was it. We don’t talk about it much, only in passing if something to do with her comes up.”
Allie turned her attention towards Christen, “you know, not much gets to Tobin. I think this really affected her. Her first real relationship and the breakup just kind of blindsided her. She never told anyone else this, and so you can’t either, but she once said she suspected Shirley had someone else back in France.”
“I won’t say anything.”
They made it through a rerun of Real Housewives before Tobin walked through the door alone. “Hey guys,” she said as she plopped down on the opposite side of the couch. Christen felt her heart racing, knowing they were going to finally get to talk.
“How was dinner?” Allie asked, flipping off the TV. “It was okay. Guess who showed up?”
“Nooo,” a gasp escaped Allie’s lips, drawing out the o’s . “She did NOT!” Tobin focused her attention on Christen, holding her hands up in the air in defense. “I just don’t get it. I thought I was clear last night that I wasn’t interested in anything with her. A friendship, a relationship, nothing. She’s going to every one else and like, worming her way in. She got in touch with some of the girls who invited her to come. Unbelieveable. I had to get out of there as soon as I could.”
“Do you think you’re being too harsh?” It was obvious Allie wasn’t sticking up for Shirley, but rather trying to make Tobin confront her own anger, something she’d just told Christen she never saw from her during the breakup. “I think she just wants to be heard and it’d be good for you to finally talk it out.”
“You too?” Tobin questioned, raising her eyebrows. “Really?”
“I think Allie just means you’re getting so upset and she doesn’t want you to be. Maybe talking will help,” Christen offered quietly.
Tobin’s eyes locked with hers. “I’m fine. I already said what I had to say last night.”
Christen dropped their eye contact and continued. “I don’t think you are. Listen to her and talk it out calmly.”
The door slammed. Alex walked through the door, eyeing the girls in the common room. “Tobs?” They all looked in her direction. “Someone’s waiting for you outside. I will tell her to go away if you want me to.”
Tobin looked back at Christen. “Go,” she mouthed. It was hard, watching Tobin get up and walk out the door. Deep down, she knew if she were to ever start something real with her, she couldn’t be holding onto this resentment or leave any pages unturned. Still, it was so upsetting to see it all unfold in front of her very own eyes.
She excused herself to go upstairs after hearing the slam of the front door, with a protest from Alex. “ I think you should stay down here until Tobin is done, she might need us,” she suggested.
“ I’m just really tired. I’m sure I’ll get filled in tomorrow morning anyway. ‘Night guys.” Christen started up the steps, but not without squinting out one of the windows to see if she could see anything going on. Once she was upstairs, she felt a strange sense of deja vu. A little less than 24 hours earlier, the same exact thing had been happening. Thoughts swirled in her head about what was being said outside. Was it a necessary evil, making her face the relationship that had rejected her? Or had she pushed Tobin back into a part of life that didn’t include her?
An hour later, a soft knock came at the door. “Chris?”
“Yes?”
Tobin sheepishly stuck her head in. “Can I come in?” Christen flipped off her TV and sat up a little straighter against her headboard. “Yeah, of course.”
Without asking permission, Tobin bolted across the room and pulled back the covers on the near side of the bed. She hopped in right next to Christen, snuggling into the crook of her body. This was a side of Tobin she’d never seen before; her eyes were bloodshot and she looked so timid.
Feeling warmth of her body against her her own, she asked “are you okay? Do you want to talk about it?” Tobin shook her head. “Can we just go to sleep?” Her voice was meek and wavering. Understanding her need to just be at the moment, Christen pulled on her bedside lamp to fill the room with darkness. She let Tobin sniffle beside her as she stroked her hair and watched her breathing even out.
She gazed at her with adoration; feeling so close to her. They’d never had this this type of intimacy before but it was much welcomed on her end. If Tobin wanted to talk about it, she’d stay up all night if that’s what they needed.
After a little while, when she was sure Tobin was fast asleep, she allowed herself to relax and close her own eyes. She slept soundly that night but when morning came and Christen woke, she was still on her back with her arm in the same position, the space beside her empty.
…………….
Tobin’s POV:
Tobin’s eyes shot daggers across crowded apartment at Shirley. Why is she here? Last night had been enough for her - standing in the middle of the common room with the doors shut just screaming at Shirley.
Flashback
“Why are you here? What makes you think that I want to see you, let alone be with you?”
Shirley stood her ground and remained calm. “I know you’re upset with me, I would be upset too. But I just need you to listen to me for ten minutes.
They went round and round, getting nowhere. Long stretches of silence filled the room, it very apparent the Shirley was willing to wait her out in order to get somewhere. Tobin folded her arms and refused to look in her direction.
“Tobin, take a minute just to think back to good times we had when we were together. We were so good for each other and you know that. What can I do to show I’m serious about this?”
She didn’t budge.
Letting out a huge sigh, Shirley threw her head back. “We’ll never get anywhere if you don’t talk to me, mi amor.” Tobin craned her neck slowly towards her. “Do not call me that.”
“Where is this anger coming from? I have never seen you like this. When I left you seemed okay, like you understood. You wouldn’t be this mad if you didn’t care. I know you do.”
It was true Tobin did care, just not in the way Shirley spoke of. She didn’t want anything horrible to happen to her and would always cherish their time together, but no part of her wanted to be with her again. She had found someone else that brought out a part of her she never knew existed. This was the first time she’d ever actively pursued someone, going against her own ideals because in Tobin’s life, she was happy to let others make the rules and take the lead. She felt the beads of sweat dripping from her temple the first time she asked Christen to dinner. When she had said yes, the euphoria that went through her body created an addiction and Christen was a sensation she wanted over and over again. Slowly but surely, she was working on telling her this.
“You have no idea what I care about and if you did, things would have been very different in May,” Tobin show back at her.
“Then tell me what you care about. I want to talk to you about this,” Shirley pleaded. She wasn’t going there; there was no point in her eyes. Suppressing the feelings back deep into already jumbled brain, she locked them away. “No. I’m going to bed, this is done.”
“Tobin, please!” she cried. Shirley stood up and started to walk in her direction. “I’m not going to give this up that easily again. I know how wrong it was. I won’t stop until we really talk about this.”
Tobin stared her down. “Then you’re going to be waiting a long time. You can go now.” She watched the girl open her mouth to argue, but closed it wisely. “Where am I supposed to go, Tobin? We had planned for me to stay here.”
She knew it would be cold to say she didn’t care where she went. That wasn’t who she was and while it would have driven her point home, she couldn’t do it. Her shoulders relaxed and she unfolded her arms. “Fine. You can sleep in my bed.” Shirley’s eyes started to light up with a little life in them. “Don’t get excited, I won’t be there. But you can ask the guys if you can stay there after that, your old room is still empty.” It must have been an okay compromise to her, because Shirley said thank you. “My room is the first one on the left,” Tobin told her as she pointed in the direction towards her side of the house.
“You’re not coming up?”
“No,” she shook her head. “I’m not.” Shirley wanted to ask where she was going to sleep but wisely kept her mouth shut. She watched her disappear before she left the room and leapt up the two flights of steps to Christen’s room. Twisting the doorknob, she felt it was locked. Against her better judgment, she backed away without knocking, trying to give herself and Christen some space. In the morning when she was refreshed, she’d talk to her.
Shirley hadn’t been lying when she said she wasn’t going to stop until they had a real conversation. It would have been easy to blame the other girls for allowing her to come, but they couldn’t have possibly known what was going on. It wasn’t a subject Tobin ever talked about and if she did, she remained passive and put on an act like it didn’t bother her.
“Yo Alex, I gotta leave, I can’t stay here with her right now. I don’t feel comfortable at all.” Alex gave her a once over and decided it was best. “Okay, I’ll go too. Let me just get our leftovers and plates and we can go.”
“Do you mind if I just go now? I want to slip out?” Tobin was tracking the girl across the room, hoping she could slip out without being noticed. Alex agreed and said she would be right behind her. She knew Alex thought she was being a little unreasonable, mostly because she told her outright that day at practice, but she appreciated the moral support at the moment.
Making her Irish exit, the cool evening air brought life back into her. She felt free momentarily, until she heard her name being called by a familiar, but unwanted voice. Ignoring it, she walked back to the house hearing the footsteps at a similar pace behind her. Let her follow me, I don’t care.
The first face she saw when she walked in the house was Christen’s. She looked up at her with those dreamy green eyes, making her feel instantly at home and safe. “Hey guys,” she said as she plopped down on the opposite side of the couch from where her girl sat.
“How was dinner?” Allie asked, flipping off the TV.
“It was okay. Guess who showed up?”
“Nooo,” Allie gasped. “She did NOT!” Tobin wasn’t even paying attention to her. She was focused on letting Christen know it wasn’t anything she had planned or wanted. “I just don’t get it. I thought I was clear last night that I wasn’t interested in anything with her. A friendship, a relationship, nothing. She’s going to every one else and like, worming her way in. She got in touch with some of the girls who invited her to come. Unbelieveable. I had to get out of there as soon as I could.” The sense of freedom she had five minutes was gone and the anger started to boil over again.
“Do you think you’re being too harsh?” Are you kidding me Allie? Why does everything think that? She didn’t want to take it out on Allie or yell so she silently counted to ten.
“I think she just wants to be heard and it’d be good for you to finally talk it out.”
“I think Allie just means you’re getting so upset and she doesn’t want you to be. Maybe talking will help,” Christen spoke. Tobin looked right in her eyes. This wasn’t anything she wanted Christen involved in and she needed her to know that she wasn’t interested. “I’m fine. I already said what I had to say last night.”
Christen broke her eye contact and kept going. “I don’t think you are. Listen to her and talk it out calmly.” Tobin tried to process what she was saying. How could Christen want her to talk to Shirley? Couldn’t she see that it wasn’t what, or who, she wanted?
The door slammed. Alex walked through the door, eyeing the girls in the common room. “Tobs?” They all looked in her direction. “Someone’s waiting for you outside. I will tell her to go away if you want me to.”
Tobin looked back at Christen. “Go,” she watched her mouth. What do I do? I’m only going to go because she told me to. I’ll tell Shirley for the hundredth time it’s over and that’s it. She slowly got up off the couch and walked outside, seeing Shirley huddled up on the steps, her back to her.
It pained her to see Shirley this upset and it was never her intention to make her cry. Sitting down, she sat in silence for a minute listening to the soft sounds coming from her nose and mouth. Eventually Tobin decided to talk, her voice smooth and low. “You know, when you told me in May it was best that we just stop everything altogether because you were going back, I didn’t expect it. I never imagined that’s what you had to say when we should talk. Every other thought ran through my head except for that and I had no warning.”
Shirley tilted her head up, listening carefully.
“I was in shock for weeks but tried not to let on. I thought if I just pretended you didn’t say it, it wouldn’t happen. It was clear that by that Tuesday before you had to go that you had made up your mind and that was it. So I just said it was all good and I understood.”
“Tob-”
She shook her head. “No, let me get this all out, please.” Shirley went small again and continued to listen. “You left and I felt like you were saying goodbye to me the same way you said goodbye to some random person who sat behind you in class all semester. It really hurt me, Shirley. But since you didn’t seem to care that much I didn’t want it to look like I did.”
“I did care, Tobin. I DO care. I think my own feelings for you were way bigger than what I realized but I know it now. My friends had done it before and it never worked for them but I’m convinced we can work on this together,” Shirley reached out placed her hand on Tobin’s wrist, resting overtop of her own leg.
“Three months ago I might have been excited by this,” she told her nodding down towards her hand. “But not anymore.” Shirley’s face fell. “Why not anymore?”
Tobin started to smile absentmindedly, looking out at the few stragglers walking their dogs or passing by in cars on their street. “I was in such a hurry that day. I was late for an appointment with one of the academic advisors for the team so I got my coffee and salad to go.”
Shirley looked around like she was confused as to where this was going. Tobin didn’t falter, “The first thing I noticed when I looked up was her eyes. She was so mad, but her eyes were just so lovely. I walked away thinking man, if I could look into just those eyes forever I’d be happy enough. I thought it was fate when I got back to the house that night and she was there.”
“I’m sorry, who are we talking about?” Tobin turned her attention towards Shirley. “I took me all of one week to feel something for her that I have never felt about you.” She watched her sink back, wounded almost. But it had just felt like a weight left her own shoulders. “I let you call all the shots, which I was okay with, and I didn’t put up a fight when you left. That should have told me something. With Christen it’s so different. When things didn’t go my way at first I didn’t give up and maybe I wasn’t graceful about it but I tried again. I want to always be with her, near her, talking to her. I’ve learned from my mistakes.”
“Mistakes?” Shirley questioned. “Maybe the wrong use of words, but when we started it was so quick. We practically jumped into bed on the second date. I don’t want to do that with her. I want to get to know her and spend time together before any of that. Being friends is important to me to show her it’s not just an attraction thing. That’s what you and I were rooted in.”
Small tears escaped from the corners of Shirley’s eyes. “I’m sorry,” Tobin apologized. “I’m sorry I ignored you and shut you out this summer. I just didn’t know how else to deal with it. But now I realize I should have told you how upset I was and maybe we both could have moved on sooner.”
“This is the first time you’ve smiled since I’ve seen you,” Shirley told her.
“She has that effect. You have her to thank, you know? She’s the one who told me to talk to you.” Tobin turned the corner of her lip upward, understanding the irony of the whole situation. “I will not be thanking her,” Shirley huffed. “I’m surprised I didn’t hear that you were together from someone else. I kind of feel stupid.”
“Well,” Tobin stretched the word out, “we aren’t officially together or anything. I wasn’t even sure if she was into girls at first!” A small snicker erupted from beside her. “When I asked Kelley she said she suspected for a while now that she is but she’s never said anything to her. I’ve been trying to take it slow and not pressure her into anything. But God, I just want to be with her. I think I’m finally going to tell her this weekend, maybe tomorrow night I’ll take her to dinner and tell her then.”
“Who knew Tobin had such a romantic side,” Shirley told her sadly, clearly trying to hold it together. “I’d go now but I don’t have a key to the guys house and they’re away until late tonight.” Tobin watched her stand up and smooth her clothes out. “Can I crash here just for a little and then I’ll go as soon as I know they’re back?”
“You can stay in my room for a bit. I’m going to sleep in Christen’s tonight.” It would have been wrong to turn her away, so she felt it was the least she could.
“Thanks. I’m leaving tomorrow right after the game. Also, not now because I don’t want to argue again but if you remember we booked that flight the week before Christmas and we should probably talk about that.”
Ah, finals week. Shirley had booked the flight home to Costa Rica all the way back in the beginning of April and made sure she’d have some time to spend with Tobin before going there. How life had changed in six months, she thought. “I don’t own Chapel Hill so I can’t say ‘you aren’t allowed to come’. But you should know that if you do, I don’t think you would be able to stay here or be expecting to see me.” Her tone was polite, but firm. Shirley nodded. “I understand. Alright, I’m going to go up. Bye, Tobin.”
She watched her go inside the house and presumably up to her room. When she was out of sight, Tobin let the dam break and she allowed herself to silently mourn the relationship for the first time. It wasn’t that she was sad to see her go or felt badly about it. She just wanted to release any last little piece of it before embarking on the exciting adventure ahead with Christen.