Mixed Messages

Christen knew it was game day, so when she went up to Tobin’s room and opened the door she wasn’t surprised to see her tucked in, fast asleep.  Baby hairs laid softly over her forehead while her mouth was slightly parted, tiny breaths escaping her lips.  She looked better now, not the same upset sight Christen had witnessed the night before.

She crept out quietly, not wanting to wake her.  Secretly though, she was relieved to find her alone in the room.  I’ll make her breakfast, she’ll need it.  So Christen whipped up a buffet for her roommates including eggs, pancakes, bacon and coffee. They trickled out of their beds slowly, Tobin being last.  No one dared bring up what had happened first, their conversation skirting the topic of last night.  Finally, Tobin spoke.

“For once I don’t even feel like playing today.”  Christen could see the conflict in her eyes had returned and for Tobin to say anything like that, she must be in bad shape.

“Are you okay, Tobin?” Alex beat her to it.  

“I feel exhausted even though I swear I did sleep,” she confirmed, looking in her direction.  “I slept really well.  Allie couldn’t wait much to longer to know what had happened.  “Spill, what did she say?  What did you say?”

Tobin looked like she was trying to sort through the story in her head, causing Christen to think they might not get every detail.  “She told me that she realized she made a mistake as soon as she left.  That breaking up was a premature decision and the only reason she did it was because she couldn’t imagine wanting to continue something while we were that far away.  She’d seen her friends do it and thought it was a waste of time and led to so many problems.  But then she realized that we never had the problems or issues that her friends had from the start and we could make it work.  

It hit her like a knife to the gut.  Christen was slowly dying on the inside listening to all this, Tobin’s wording sounded like it was an apology and position she accepted.

“And what’d you say to that?” She wasn’t sure who had asked the question, all she wanted was the answer.

Tobin bowed her head.  “I apologized for shutting her out  but that she treated the whole thing  like it was such an easy decision for her. That’s how I felt when it happened; that all that time I was just a convenience for her until she left and found something better.   Maybe I wouldn’t have gotten so angry if I’d told her this from the beginning.”

“So where is she now?  Here?” Alex asked.   “No, I told her to go.  I’m assuming she went to the guy’s house since she leaves tonight.”  It took everything in her body to keep Christen from running out of the room.  She went back to her room where Shirley was.  She left me to go to her.  Tears welled up in her eyes, threatening to fall with any quick movement.  The conversation continued but she drowned it out, busying herself by loading the dishwasher so she could hide her face.

“Christen?”  She took a deep breath and turned around, not expecting every person in the room to be staring at her.  Tobin repeated her name, “Christen?  Did you hear me?”  

“No, sorry.  What’d you say?”  The look on Tobin’s face was just short of astonishment.  She didn’t say anything, leaving them all quiet for a moment.  “I said thank you for encouraging me to talk to her.“

“No problem.”  She turned back around to face the small window above the sink.  What did I do? I drove her straight back to Shirley.   Kelley broke the tension in the air by announcing she was hungry for more bacon and called dibs on the last two pieces.  Christen turned and offered her the plate before washing the crumbs off underneath the lukewarm faucet.  It was almost time for them all to leave and head to the fieldhouse, she calculated.  

“I’ll see you guys later, just throw your dishes in the sink and I’ll get them before I leave for the game,” she announced before starting to leave the room.  Tobin threw out her arm, causing her to bounce off it and stop.  “Wait.”

Christen gazed down at the girl who made her feel in a way she’d never experienced before.  This confession was kept to her alone, not one of these people in the room knowing that at the moment just how afraid and alone she felt.  Their eyes dueled; Christen’s searching the sea of sadness that Tobin’s held while her own reflected despair and desperation.

“We need to talk, after the game.  I’ll take you to dinner.”  Tobin’s voice was low, steadfast.  She’s going to tell me whatever this is, it’s done.  There’s nothing.  I only have myself to blame, too.  Her voice would have trembled if she spoke, so a single nod would have to suffice.  Tobin’s arm retracted from her path, slowly running over her abdomen.  It might as well have been a knife or something sharp, because it felt like she was tearing in two.  

Christen started up the steps, unsure of where to go from here both literally and figuratively.  Before it even began, had she lost the one thing that she so badly wanted? She allowed her TV and pillow to drown out the sobs that left her breathless.  By the time she got ahold of herself, there was nothing left in her.  An empty feeling swallowed her whole.

Knowing everyone would wonder where she was if she missed the game, she took a nice long shower and did her best to conceal the blotches on her face from a mixture of tears and ugly ball marks.  

Tobin: Meet me at R & R at 5:30.  I’ll shower and get ready here.  

She asked me to go to a public restaurant so I won’t make a scene.

Christen: 6?  Isn’t the game at 1?  

Tobin: I have to do something right after, but I’ll see you at 6.

She’s seeing her.  Christen had heard her earlier when she said that Shirley was staying until tonight, which gave them time to be together after the game. Doing her best to keep her tears at bay, she continued to put on a thin line of eyeliner to perk her appearance up.  Since there would be competition going on off of the field, there was no way she was going to look anything less than perfect.   

...

I was right,  she’s here.  Christen told Allie she’d meet up with her at the game and to go ahead and have lunch with Jose first.  But there they were, sitting together in the stands.   Putting on her best brave face she marched up the steps, holding onto the railing to decrease the chances of slipping and humiliating herself for all to see.  

“Hi, Al.” Allie turned to her, a bewildered look on her face.  “Hey, Christen.  I uh- you’ve met Shirley.”

The smaller girl looked her up and down, not cracking anything close to smile. “Hi, Shirley.”  She was met with a very different reaction than the previous one from Friday night.  Not wanting to let her win this battle, which Christen realized Shirley had no idea she was involved in, she sat down confidently in front of them and faced forward.  Kick-off was any moment but her phone buzzed from inside her pocket.  SHe took it out to read the text from the girl behind her.

Allie: Should we go sit somewhere else?  I’ll make an excuse up.

Christen: No it’s okay.  

If she got up or showed Shirley how much her presence affected her she’d be upset with herself.  So for 90+ minutes, this was her spot.  There was a lot of cheering, little conversation in the first half.  Anything that came out of Allie’s mouth wasn’t related to Tobin, the house or soccer.  Christen had a feeling she was steering the topics away from anything that would cause awkward tension.  The second half though, Shirley was on fire.  

“I love Tobin’s hair a little longer, I should tell her not to cut it.”

“GO TOBIN.  We practiced that free kick so many times late at night last spring.”

“I’m so mad I didn’t get a chance to stop at that bread place.  Remember it Allie?  It was the one that Tobin bought me all those baguettes and tried to tell me I didn’t need to go back France because theirs were better!

Her stomach was in knots listening to all of this.  It was confusing, too.  Was Shirley laying on the Tobin talk so heavy because they were back on good terms or did she know something might have been going so now she was staking her claim?  It was just another thing that made her so uneasy about the whole situation.  With only stoppage time remaining, she thought it was best to leave quietly without having to see where Tobin went post-game or hear any more from Shirley.

“Hey Allie I’ll see you back at the house.  I’m gonna go.  Bye Shirley, it was nice to meet you.”  How’d that taste coming out?  

Allie looked up at her and silently asked if she wanted her to come with.  Christen didn’t give her a response and just started to to take a step down the bleachers.

“Bye, Christen.”  Ugh.

…………….

It was five minutes to six.  Christen sat alone at a table, re-reading the menu for the fourth time.  No phone call, no text from Tobin explaining her tardiness. Christen had spent the last two hours sitting at home, cruising social media and changing her outfit at least three times.  Tobin never came home, so she suspected she had taken her clothes with her to change or something. Right as she was about to cave and text her, she saw Tobin come through the door, asking the hostess something and watching them both look in her direction.  A small wave signaled she was there and Tobin walked confidently over, taking the seat across from her.

“Sorry,” she muttered, picking up a menu.  Christen studied her, looking for any indication of why she was so late.  After a moment of silence, she laid the menu down and her expression softened when she look at Christen.   “So we should talk,” Tobin told her, following it up with a sip of the pre-poured water.  “About what happened this weekend.”  

The feeling came out of nowhere, but Christen started to become upset. She felt that the look on Tobin’s face reflected pity, something she wasn’t going to allow to happen to her.  Never had she put herself in the position to be let down or set up for this magnitude of disappointment.

“No, I don’t think we should.  It’s okay and  you should work it out with her. It’s for the best and I understand,” Christen choked out the words before digging her heels into the floorboards and pushing her chair back.  “I have to go.”  She grabbed her purse and made a beeline for the front door.  She took off, almost running over an elderly couple coming inside the restaurant. Christen stopped cold on the sidewalk when she heard the stern tone of Tobin’s voice from behind her.  

“What are you doing?”

“CHRISTEN. WHAT. ARE. YOU. DOING.”  It was a yell now, as if she was a small child disobeying her parent.  She spun on her heels to face Tobin, standing a little over ten feet from her in the cool November night air.  

“Why would you do that? How could you say that to me?  You know, I was still feeling pretty low about my last relationship when school started and wanted nothing to do with anyone in that way again.  And boom, you waltz right in, completely unexpected.  After I ran into you at the cafe aIll I could see were those green eyes and I was hooked.  I asked you to dinner, spelling it out for you - it’s. a. date.  I even followed it up with coffee the next morning!  I don’t make the first moves, Christen, I never have but something about you just made me want to try. So imagine my surprise when I hear the same day that you’re making out with guys in public and have to see him hanging all over you everywhere we go. Do you have any idea how much that hurt me?  It felt like history repeating itself, ‘lets push Tobin aside’ when there something else out there.  But then I saw you again and again and decided it was worth the pain to be around you even as a friend. It took me some time but I did it.”

Christen stared at her feet, taking it all in. She couldn’t bear to look up to face Tobin, shocked and unprepared for what she heard coming from her mouth.  

“And then things were good again and I thought for sure you felt the same way I did”  The anger in Tobin’s voice continued to rise. “ Oh and that kiss in South Carolina?  It’s all I think about. I’ve wanted to do it again and again ever since that day.  Was this all not clear to you or am I just one big experiment for you?”  

She looked up, her mind screaming at her to close the space between them to let her know exactly how she felt and no, she was not an experiment.  Christen was so sure she wanted to be with Tobin.

“No.”  

“NO?” Tobin yelled increduously.  “All you have to say is NO?”  

The words were stuck somewhere in her throat.  Tell her you think you love her, tell her you want to be with her.  She stood still, unable to move a muscle.  Her eyes pleaded at Tobin, asking her to hear her.  

“I’m done.  I can’t do this,”  Tobin took a step backward, her demeanor completely changing.  “I can’t go through this again.”  Christen watched her walk in the opposite direction,  feeling like her body was jumping off the edge of a cliff and she was standing on the edge, watching from above. There was nothing she could do in that moment but let go and spiral downward, hoping something would save her.  By the time she yelled ‘stop’ her words were barely audible and Tobin who was almost out of sight, had never turned around.