Mixed Messages

Christen’s alarm was set for 7:30 the next morning, a perfect time to get up and run before the daily humidity would set in.  It was one change she was prepared for after spending a few summers in Virginia with her grandparents.  Chapel Hill was a few hours south of there, so she knew what she was in for if she waited until after 9:00.  It didn’t matter though, because Kelley stormed in her room fifteen minutes prior to her alarm and pounced on her.

“I’m HERE!”  

Despite the early wakeup, Christen was so glad to see her.  “Hi!  Good morning!”

“Good morning it is! Up and at ‘em! We have a full day ahead of us!”  She paraded around the room like a band director, waving her hands and marching.  

“Give me a few seconds, geez.” Christen whined through the thin layer of sheets.     Kelley took a seat on her bed again, waiting for her to fulfill the direction.  “I was thinking you could help me unpack, just a few boxes,” she said raising her hands up when she saw Christen was about to tell her no.  “Then, we can grab breakfast and I’ll give you a mini-tour of town.  By the time we’re done, I think that the rest of the house should be here and I can introduce you.”

It seemed like a reasonable plan to her, so she mentally moved her run to the evening when it might be cooler and started to get up.  Fifteen minutes later she was showered and changed into casual clothes to walk into town. Sitting on the floor of Kelley’s room, she folded a few t-shirts before putting them in her dresser drawer.

“So how was yesterday?  Did you parents get home okay?”  Kelley asked organizing her desk.

“Yeah, my mom texted me in the middle of the night letting me know they landed safely.  I think they liked the house,” Christen said.

“Did you guys do anything fun while they were here?”

Shaking her head, Christen let her know it was a quick business-like trip.  “We only went out to get stuff to eat, you know?  Oh! I have to tell you what happened yesterday before they left.”  She rambled on about the clumsy girl who had ruined her go-to lounge shirt with the coffee.  “I was soaked.  I’m telling you, she probably didn’t even have any coffee left in her cup after that.”  

Laughing, Kelley shook her head.  “A nice welcome to Chapel Hill.”

“I know! And something about her just bugged me.  She was trying to be too nice maybe.”  Replaying the memory in her head, Christen envisioned the girl’s eyes staring back into hers.  They were actually really pretty now that she thought of it, but that didn’t matter - the damage had been done.

Ten minutes later, Kelley announced her room was neat enough for her standards and she’d finish later by herself.  Glancing at the clock, she suggested they head out to a campus favorite coffee shop before it got too crowded.  “On a Sunday?” Christen questioned.  Remembering that most people had arrived either yesterday or the day before, she reconsidered what she asked.  “Ok, let’s go now then.”  

The walk was short, only about five or six minutes.  Kelley hadn’t lied, the line was out the door already and it wasn’t even eight o’clock.  When she had her order of a cinnamon bun and mocha latte, she knew why.  “This is heaven in my mouth!”  she exclaimed.  

“That’s what she said!”  Immediately, Christen knew Kelley was making a joke based on their favorite show.  “Oh! I forgot to tell you I met Tobin last night!”

“You did?” her friend asked, sounding confused.  “I didn’t think Tobin would be back until today.  What was she doing there so early? Usually we don’t schedule early Monday or Friday classes if we can help it because of the game schedule.”  

Between chewing and washing it down with a sip of coffee, Christen let her know she wasn’t sure.  “She was just watching TV in the common room.  She didn’t have much to say and to be honest I couldn’t pick her out of a lineup.  I didn’t have my glasses or pants on when I came downstairs.”

“You really did have an eventful first day here, didn’t you?”  Kelley slung her arm around Christen before getting up to throw out her trash.   “Do you think she was uncomfortable that I wasn’t wearing anything?” she called after her.

Turning around, Kelley let out a blatant laugh. “HA! Tobin care?  Believe me, Tobin doesn’t get worked up about much of anything, except for soccer.”  

“What does that mean?”  

“You’ll see,” she continued.  “She’s just...chill.  Not your typical college aged girl who is into gossiping or the drama, gets along with everyone , goes with the flow.  Just really easy-going.”  

“Huh.” Christen processed the information, noting they sounded like opposites.  Not that Christen was into gossiping per se, she just liked to be aware of what was going on in her world so she knew what to do or say.  “Another thing” Kelley said interrupting her thoughts.  “She also may or may not have a girlfriend.”

“Why do you keep telling me that like I’ll be bothered by it?”  Christen was exasperated at this point by all the new information coming and going.  

“I don’t know! I don’t know what your thoughts are on those kind of things.  We’ve never really talked about it.”   

She tried to assure her friend once more that any type of relationship was okay in her book.  “Is there anyone else in the house that has a boyfriend or girlfriend, emphasis on the girlfriend.”

Kelley fell silent in beside her.  Christen couldn’t read her thoughts, mostly because her eyes were covered by the sunglasses she grabbed on their way out.  She watched her run a hand through her hair, pulling on the ends of it.

“Kel,” she asked softly.  “Is that a bad question to ask?”  

“No.  But can I tell you something?”

“Of course, anything.” I think she’s going to tell me something happened with that guy she was talking to before she left in December.  Paul? No, Pete.  Shoot.

“Remember Pat?” Pat, that’s it.

“Yeah I do, didn’t you guys stop talking the month after you left California? Something happen?”

Kelley nodded at her.  “We did.  But it should have stopped sooner than that.”  Christen chose to remain silent so she would keep going without stopping.  “I shouldn’t have led him on like I did.” Not understanding, Christen asked, “so you didn’t really like him at all?  Was there another guy or something?”  

“Not a guy.”   It clicked now.  Christen was thankful she didn’t have anything in her mouth at that second, because she surely would have spit it out.  “A girl?” she squeaked out.

“Not any girl in particular.  Just...girls in general.  I tried give it a shot but I’ve always known how I felt. I for sure knew one of the first times we had sex.  There was nothing there, I felt so bored and uncomfortable.”

Realizing how big of a confession was, Christen reached for Kelley’s hand.  “Have you told anyone else about this?”    She was met with a pretty, big smile.  “Yeah, actually almost everyone knows.  I just wasn’t sure how to tell you since the last time we were living together I was bringing a guy back to the room.”  She laughed.

“Kelley! What matters is that you’re happy.  And you know I would love you either way!”  

The pair hugged it out and she could see Kelley visibly relax.  “So it was never obvious that I was into girls?”  Christen had to think for a moment before she responded.  “Honestly?  I guess I never paid much attention to it.”  

They walked slowly back  to their house where they spotted two new cars in their driveway.  “Roomies are here!” the freckled hair girl squealed.  Leaping and bounding up the four porch steps, Kelley was lucky the door was already unlocked.  “HELLOOOOO”.

Christen trailed a few feet behind her but could see figures standing in the living room.  She gave her best cheery smile and introduced herself.  “Hi, I’m Christen!”  Both of the women in front of her were incredibly beautiful she thought, one had platinum blond hair with piercing blue eyes while the other had dark straight locks with matching eyes.  

“Hi, I’m Ali, this is Julie.  It’s great to finally meet you! Kelley has told us so much already.”  Nervous about what Kelley could have possibly said to them, she laughed.  “None of it is true!”  If there was any tension or discomfort, it had evaporated.  The group decided to sit down for a few minutes just to catch up and discuss what living together would look like.

Christen knew immediately she and Ali would be friends.  The way she talked about her family, her sense of humor and of course hearing about her closet made her hopeful that this would be an easy transition.  Julie was also really sweet, but much quieter than her other two roommates.  She made a mental note to get to know her better over the next week to see if they could create a bond.  

“And what about the other house?  Can I meet them today, too? Christen wondered aloud.  

Kelley grabbed her phone and began to text furiously.  “I’ll see if any of them are going to be here.  YOu already met Tobin, and I think Alex is coming sometime this morning.  Not sure about Allie though”

Ali turned to Christen and asked, “So you met Tobin, huh?  How’d that go?”  Her voice was almost teasing and for a second she thought she was missing something.  “It was quick, I didn’t really talk much her,” she answered nonchalantly.  Julie shot Ali a look and it was obvious she had missed something.

“Are you guys friends with Tobin?”  

They must have heard the concern in her voice because Ali assured her they were.  “Oh yeah, we love Tobin.  She’s honestly one of the most caring people I’ve ever met.  She’s one of those people you don’t have a lot in common with but everyone still loves her.”    Noted.

“Gotcha.  And Allie and Alex?”  On cue, one of the the girls knocked on the common room door.  

“IT’S OPEN” Kelley yelled.  Not realizing her own strength, Allie flung open the door.  “Whoa, hey guys! I got your text Kel, what’s up?”

Kelley stood up off of the loveseat where she was sitting to gesture towards Christen.  “Allie, this is Christen, Christen, this is Allie.”  The two shared an awkward wave and exchanged pleasantries.  “So are you walking on or are you on a scholarship already,” Allie asked.

Christen scrunched her nose in confusion. Oh she thinks I’m apart of the team!  “Neither! I don’t play anymore.”  She was sure she saw a look of relief on Allie’s face.  “I played my freshman year with Kel before I decided it was too much.  I only play for fun now.” It was a decision that had set her free last year.  Balancing her work load, which was her number one priority, and soccer dealt a blow to her overall health.  She felt sick on a daily basis and constantly worried.  When she made the choice to let competitive soccer go from her life, Christen noticed the positive change instantly.  

“Oh thank God, I thought it’d be me and 500 soccer girls living in this house.”  Christen realized Allie might quickly become an ally for her since they would be on the same page.  “Your other roommate, Alex, she plays too?”  She already knew the answer but wanted to make conversation.

“Yep and Tobin.  Alex will be over in a few minutes but Tobin is out right now at the grocery store getting stuff for dinner tonight. Do you guys wanna come over for tonight?”

Julie scanned the faces of everyone before answering for the group.  “I think we might go out tonight but we should plan something for tomorrow or Tuesday night?  Like a big group dinner here and we can each make something.  Does that sound good?”  Everyone seemed to be in agreement, Kelley calling dibs on providing the easy stuff - drinks and an appetizer.  Christen considered herself a decent chef so she offered to make whatever they decided on.

“We could do a theme?  Italian? Mexican?” Ali suggested.

“Mexican!” Christen piped up.  “Margaritas, chips and guac.  I have a really good enchilada casserole recipe from my mom I could make.”  There were no objections so it was settled.  

Alex walked into through the open door as the group was about to disperse.  She’s very pretty, Christen thought.  Alex’s long brunette locks were beautiful and matched her eyes.  Her makeup was neatly done but not overdone; just enough to bring out her facial features.  She flashed a perfect white smile as she introduced herself.  “So I heard margaritas.  Are we having them?”

Christen laughed.  “Tomorrow I think we decided.  We’re all going to make dinner, Mexican theme.”

“Nice! I’ll make Tobs get some stuff while she’s at the store now.  Allie let’s go make a list for her.”   She watched Alex disappeared as quickly as she had come in.  Tobs, I wonder if that’s a common nickname for her or just for Alex?

She snapped from her own thoughts to see Kelley looking at her, eyebrows scrunched.  “What?” she asked defensively.  

“Oh nothing.”

Rolling her eyes, Christen went upstairs after telling them she wanted to get her class schedule and prepare her stuff for tomorrow.  Kelley offered to walk onto campus with her in a few hours after she got scheduled.  In a house full of people, it was eerily quiet for the next two hours.  At one point, she crept down stairs to see if anyone was still around.  Each girl was in their room, doors opened but minding their own business.

Eventually, Kelley popped back up in her room.  “Ready?” Christen grabbed her backpack and stuffed the papers she needed inside.  “Ready!”

The campus was as beautiful as she remembered.  It was huge but luckily her classes seemed to be within reasonable walking distance and she had enough time in between.  They strolled leisurely, talking about the differences from Stanford and reminiscing.  

“I really think you’ll like it here, Chris.  At Stanford even the team was hard to be like, good friends with.  I click with everyone here and I bet you will too.”

“I like them already! I’m not as nervous as I thought I’d be anymore.”  It was the truth.

“Good. Oh!” Kelley exclaimed as she stopped and turned towards her.  “I forgot to tell you, this coming Saturday night is a massive party at the guys soccer house.  They throw four big ones a year - the beginning, Christmas, Spring Break and end of the year.  I don’t really remember the Spring Break one but I’m told I had a lot fun.  The end of the year one was insane.”

“Is it only for soccer players?”  The last thing Christen wanted was to be pity invited if she wasn’t truly supposed to be there.

“No! It’s not like open for everyone but friends of ours and significant others are invited.  The soccer guys invite their girlfriends and friends, too.”

Circling back to their previous conversation, Christen asked if Kelley was going to bring a significant other to the party. “No,” she answered almost sadly.  “I was kinda talking to this girl when school ended but it fizzled out over the summer.  She might be there Saturday but I’m not counting on it.”  Perking up, she continued.  “Is there anyone YOU want to bring?”

Christen had to laugh.  “And when would I have met anyone to bring?”  

“Hey ya never know.  Christen, queen of the catcall.”  It was true.  Christen had experienced it way too frequently on campus.  Every time they went to a party or walked home from dinner, all the drunk guys around made a pass at her, usually using language that would make her uncomfortable.  

“Yeah, no.  I don’t think so.”   

“Are you interested in anyone?  Or interested in meeting anyone?”  This was the question she hated.  No one ever interested her.  Well, no guy.  “Nope.”  Keep it short and simple.

Kelley wasn’t satisfied.  “You have to make a good impression on Saturday then.  I have to admit there are some pretty good looking soccer guys, they’re good people too. I’ll ask around for you.”  

“NO!”  Christen halted their walk.  “Please don’t ‘ask around’ for me.”

“Why?”  She couldn’t place it, but thought Kelley’s tone was challenging.  “Why can’t I talk to the guys about you?” It wasn’t a conversation she was ready to have yet.  She hadn’t even had it with herself.  When she was ready, Kelley would be one of the first people she’d seek out, but not now.

“I - I just don’t want to seem desperate.  Give me some time to settle in first,” she lied. Her palms were sweaty and not from the humidity lingering in the air.  Hoping Kelley wouldn’t catch on to her nervousness, she started walking again.  “But I’ll still go, it would be good for me to meet people.”  A few awkward moments of silence passed before Kelley responded.

“I won’t say anything if you don’t want me to.  But if someone asks about you, what do I say?”  Why is she pressing me on this?  She’s all of a sudden so interested in my love life when for the past year and a half she rarely said a word about it.  

Shrugging her shoulders, Christen didn’t have a rehearsed line for this one.  “I don’t know, Kelley.  Tell them I’m single but not looking.”  It was kind of true.  She was single and not actively looking, although if something popped up she wouldn’t be opposed.  Why should she shut someone out if she really liked them? By the time they arrived back at their house, she had changed her mind.  

“Kel?”

“Yeah?”

Christen took a breath before she continued.  “You know what?  If anyone asks you can just tell them I’m single.  It’s okay.”   When she appeared slightly confused, Christen was glad Kelley didn’t verbal response.  She only nodded to acknowledge she heard what she said. “Well, I think I’m gonna head up and get ready for dinner.  See you in bit!”

She slammed the door behind her when she reached her room on the third floor.  Kelley bringing up a part of her life she chose to ignore most of the time was draining. Flopping down on the bed, she tried to close her eyes to escape her own thoughts.  I’ve never really been totally into the guys I’ve date and I’ve never gone after one.  They usually are interested in me first.  But does that mean I don’t like them?  Or does it mean I like girls instead?  Do I find girls attractive?  Christen thought about how she acts when she approaches the same sex.  Did she rate their looks?  Yeah, of course.  But isn’t that typical of all girls?  Don’t we compare ourselves as part of human nature?

The psychology major in her tried to talk herself into that rationalization but it failed.  Maybe Kelley came to terms because she let go of what was expected of her and allowed herself to do what she felt.  This was what Christen would do; she would open up and allow herself to feel.  If there was someone who caught her eye on Saturday she would make an effort or if someone wanted to get to know her, she’d be receptive.  No more shutting out this part of her life.  

She must have been mentally and emotionally exhausted because Christen was startled when she heard a forceful knock on her door sometime later.  Her eyes tried to focus on the blurry room and she had to remember where she was.  Shit, dinner.  I was supposed to be getting ready.

“Christen?” Julie, or so she thought, called.

Frantic, she sat up and grabbed a hairbrush to fix herself.  “Yeah?  I’ll be down in a minute, sorry!”  She gave herself a once over in the mirror and decided it would have to be okay for tonight.  A quick change of her shorts into jeans and she was off.  

Dinner was fun but she felt exhausted when she got home despite her earlier nap.  The clock on her desk read 10:13 pm, a good time to settle in for the night and get some sleep before her first day of classes.  On her schedule was a 9:15,  11:30 and 2:00 class.  She had a small chunk of time between each class but not enough to come home and go back so prepping for the day had to happen the night before.  

Her bag was filled with singles and change for coffees, fresh notebooks and binders, a pack of pens with new highlighters and plenty of post-its.  Christen ironed a pair of khaki colored shorts and picked out a white tank top that was flowy, exposing the curves of her breasts in a tasteful way.  Pairing the outfit with a matching white pair of keds, it was the perfect outfit for a first day.  Not too dressy but she didn’t look like a slob.  

Here we go, she thought.  Ready for the first day of a new beginning.

Christen laid in bed, listening to the stillness of the house. No one else had early classes today so she would be the only one up and about. Her alarm wasn’t supposed to go off for at least twenty more minutes but she figured she’d make a cup of coffee and take an extra long shower. Carefully descending down to the kitchen, she saw the common room door was tightly shut. Beyond it she heard a faint sound of footsteps but figured after her last pantless encounter she would wait until she was fully dressed before opening it again.

She was 15 minutes early for her 9:15 am lecture and she found a seat in the middle of the auditorium. It filled up quickly and right before her professor started, a figured shuffling down her row caught her eye. It took a second to place her, but then she remembered, it was the girl who spilled coffee all over of her on Saturday. She found a found a seat about three people down looking like she was a little panicked, fumbling with her bag and searching for a pen. The sight of the girl brought back an unpleasant memory for Christen as she thought about to the shirt she had ruined and how she invaded her personal space without asking.

Luckily, the girl didn’t notice her staring and flipped open a notebook just as the lecture commenced. Christen concentrated for the next hour and a half on the content being presented but every once in a while she looked down the row to see what coffee-girl was doing. She studied her out of the corner of her eye, noticing the natural highlights that extended from her crown to the ends of her hair, her skinny long fingers wrapped around her pen as she wrote. She’s a lefty. She couldn’t see the full front of her face but could tell her skin was tanned and clear, possibly without any makeup. She’s actually very pretty, Christen thought.

Her attention was brought back as her professor assigned reading for their class, Christen scrambling to write it down on a yellow post it for her planner. When she looked back up, she saw the girl had already exited the row and was waving to a group of a guys sitting behind them. Christen gathered her things and looked at her phone. She had about a half hour to kill before she would need to get across campus to her next class so a coffee was probably a good solution.

When she walked into the coffee shop attached to her lecture hall, the first thing she spotted was the coffee girl. She’s everywhere! Is this a bad sign or something? Christen stood in line waiting for her turn to order, tracking the movements of the girl talking to two guys behind her. The trio started to leave the cafe when she turned around to grab some napkins and made eye contact with Christen. Her face dropped briefly before giving a hint of a smile a stiff wave to Christen. Christen looked behind her quickly, realizing it was in fact her she was waving to. She returned the hesitant smile and wave, unsure of why the girl would even think of waving to her after their previous encounter. It struck a nerve deep down in her after she left. Why would she wave to me, we aren’t friends. I should have taken her money when she offered it the more I think about it. I really loved that shirt.

The rest of her classes flew by and thank goodness, there were no more sightings of the coffee girl. Christen sat on a bench waiting for Kelley who was about to finish her lecture at any moment.

“Heyyyyyy girl!” Kelley called as she strolled down the path where Christen sat. She flopped down next to her, sipping an iced coffee with her sunglasses still on. “Mind if we wait for Tobin? She had class next to me so I told them her I’d wait and walk back together.”

Realizing it was a good opportunity to talk to Tobin again with Kelley as a buffer, she agreed. Kelley was rambling something about one of her classes while texting when Christen spotted the coffee girl, again. Christen nudged Kelley.

“Look, the girl I was telling about who ruined my shirt is coming this way. I swear I’ve seen her a hundred times today and each time my blood boils.”

Kelley looked up to see where Christen was pointing and then back at her. Her face twisted in an amused smile.

“What?” Christen asked.

“Chris….That’s Tobin.”