Chapter 10
When Lauren wakes up, she’s cocooned in her blanket she doesn’t remember falling asleep under. The pillows are tucked under and around her head and there’s light barely filtering through the gaps in the curtains. She turns over to see the clock reading 9:23 and takes a moment before she recalls that Camila skipped the party to watch a movie with her.
Lauren remembers how Camila had gently massaged her until Lauren had fallen into a peaceful sleep. Glancing over at the empty space next to her, Lauren frowns.
Once they had finished the movie, she was going to ask Camila if she wanted to stay over, but she fell asleep before that could happen. And based on the empty room, it looks as if Camila has already left. Even if she did stay the night here, she clearly went home before Lauren woke up, because her clothes are missing from the desk chair.
She can’t help but feel disappointed because she had been working on building up more confidence to initiate things with Camila. They could have used today, even if it was only part of the day, to get to know each other better and give Lauren more opportunities to open up to Camila.
Now it looks like those plans have fallen through, and Lauren is left wishing she had worked up the nerve earlier in the evening to invite Camila to stay.
Rising up out of bed, Lauren pads over to her bathroom and starts the shower as she drowns in self regret for not being more confident. Maybe she can ask Ally if the girl can come over earlier so that Lauren doesn’t have to sit with her own negative thoughts all by herself.
~~
Lauren tucks the corner of the towel into itself as she steps out of the bathroom and glances around. She can’t see the clothes that Camila borrowed and it leaves her wondering if the girl wanted to leave so quickly that she didn’t even bother changing.
In the back recesses of her mind, there’s a voice telling Lauren that she’s being irrational by assuming that Camila wanted to get away from her as soon as possible. The girl has not only been consistent in showing genuine attention to Lauren, but also making an effort to have all their friends get to know each other. She shot Brad and Austin down when they tried to apologize solely because of how Lauren felt about them, she communicates constantly with her, and she stuck up for Lauren (even when she really shouldn’t have). But Lauren has this irritating, disheartening, self-confidence problem that makes her doubt even the most obvious things and leaves her feeling discouraged. Sometimes it makes her so angry, because she just wishes it would go away. She wants to feel self-assured, she doesn’t want to have these nagging feelings that someone is always judging her.
Lauren just wants to be fucking normal.
She doesn’t realize that she’s worked herself into a frenzy until wetness slides down her cheeks onto the carpeted floor. Swiping the back of her hand across her face, Lauren bitterly wipes at the tears, willing them and all her other feelings to stop. She turns towards her dresser, opening one of the drawers to dig through for some clean clothes to wear.
“Lauren, I heard you were up so I—“
She squeaks and practically leaps away from the dresser, desperately clutching at her towel as it almost unravels from the motion. Camila is frozen in the doorway, two plates and glasses balanced on a tray as she stares at Lauren with wide eyes for a split second before hurriedly spinning around to face the other way.
“I’m so sorry! The shower had been off for a while so I assumed you were finished and dressed. I didn’t mean to…” Camila rambles out quickly, still standing rigid with her back to Lauren.
Camila didn’t actually see anything, because while Lauren is in a small towel with nothing underneath, she caught the fabric before it bared anything to the girl. The reaction Lauren received is a little odd though, because Camila is the same girl who has made a few — for lack of a better term — fuckgirl comments to her in the past. Yet here she is acting like she’s never seen an underdressed girl in her life. Lauren feels a little elated that the girl clearly respects her enough to turn away quickly.
She doesn’t want to leave Camila waiting any longer so she darts into her closet, forgoing searching for new clothes and just deciding to toss on over her underwear some lounge pants and a t-shirt she had worn a few days before. Promptly exiting, she attempts to calm her raging (for whatever reason) heart down to a more appropriate speed.
“Okay, you can turn around now,” Lauren says to Camila’s back.
Lauren expects Camila to spin back around, but the girl hesitates for a moment.
“You sure? You’re fully dressed? I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”
“I’m sure.”
Slowly, Camila twists around to face Lauren, smiling when she makes eye contact only to frown worriedly a moment later.
“Lauren! Why are you crying?”
Fuck, she totally forgot to wipe the tears from her eyes. Attempting to play it off, Lauren waves a dismissive hand around, avoiding Camila’s stare.
“Oh, it’s nothing to worry about. Just allergies.”
Placing the tray down onto Lauren’s dresser, Camila swiftly steps towards her, her eyebrows furrowed as she raises Lauren’s face to look at her.
“What happened? Did someone hurt you again?”
“D– don’t worry about it,” Lauren attempts to reassure, a little flustered because Camila’s face is so close to hers. “It’s just my stupid insecurity.”
“Lauren, don’t ever call your insecurity stupid. It’s anything but. It’s a valid concern that you have that should never be brushed aside as not important.”
Camila’s words shake Lauren into returning her gaze, surprise written all over her face. “I– I– but it’s not tha–“
“No,” Camila insists, cutting Lauren off. “It’s something you struggle with that clearly upsets you.” She reaches out to dry a leftover tear that’s making its way down Lauren’s cheek. “If there’s something bothering you, you know that you can talk to me, right?”
Lauren nods. “I know. But I have Ally and Tori for that so…”
Camila pauses, and Lauren realizes that her response came across as if she was just brushing Camila’s offer under the rug. Before Lauren can start to panic about offending Camila, the girl smiles genuinely and reaches out to squeeze Lauren’s shoulder. “That’s great. You need a good support system.”
It’s the girl’s reaction and how sweet she’s being that makes Lauren think twice; perhaps she really can trust Camila with personal feelings like this.
“Well, I guess the main reason that I was cry—“
Camila frowns and interrupts her before she can go on. “No, Lauren, you don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t feel comfortable doing so.”
“Wait,” Lauren insists, shaking her head as she guides Camila to sit on the bed next to her. “I want to. I trust you.”
Focusing her eyes on Camila’s, Lauren grins as she attempts to convey to the girl that she’s being honest. After a moment, Camila returns the smile, gesturing for Lauren to go ahead.
“Remember how I asked you to help me be more outgoing and stuff?”
Camila nods.
“Well, sometimes my, uh, like um, you know,” Lauren stutters out, not really wanting to say the words ‘self-confidence issues’. “I guess like, my insecurities? Um, well they get to me sometimes. They frustrate me and I wish I didn’t have them and I’m kind of emotional sometimes so I get angry at myself easily. And then, yeah, this happens,” Lauren finishes as she gestures to her watery eyes.
Camila sits still for a moment, looking as if she’s mulling over Lauren’s explanation and formulating a response.
“I’m not going to pretend that I’m some professional or anything, and I don’t want to end up giving you the wrong advice. But I figure we could start with something simple? Next time you start to feel like that, text me and let me know. I’ll try and help you get your mind off of it so that you don’t end up being too upset. Does that sound okay?”
Biting her lip in thought, Lauren considers Camila’s suggestion as she tilts her head to the side. “That sounds like a good idea. I’d be willing to try that.”
“Yeah?”
“It’s worth a shot if it helps.”
“And then in between that, I can tell you that you look cute even with your shirt on backwards.”
Lauren furrows her brows. “Why would you do that?”
“Look down, valedictorian.”
Glancing down at herself, Lauren realizes that her shirt is indeed on backwards, the printed design not where it should be. She blushes at Camila’s chuckle, feeling silly at what she did because of her haste.
“Um, hang on a second.” Lauren dashes into her closet, quickly adjusting her top and exiting with her cheeks still red.
With one last fond shake of her head, Camila stands up and steps over to the dresser, picking up the tray she had before.
“I wanted to do breakfast for you in bed so I was going to make us pancakes but you didn’t have any mix but I still wanted to cook something since breakfast foods and Arroz Rojo are the only things I can make so I did some french toast instead because th—“ Camila interrupts herself, running out of breath because she just rambled that entire sentence out at once. She squeezes her eyes shut momentarily in embarrassment and pads over to Lauren, setting the tray down on the comforter.
“I hope you like french toast.”
“I do, thanks Camz,” Lauren replies with a teasing smile.
They sit cross legged on Lauren’s bed, hunched over their plates as they watch the random episode of The Office that’s on. By the end of the show, all that’s left is the little puddles of maple syrup that their food was drowned in.
“That was so good. I’m so full,” Lauren groans out, flopping backwards onto the bed.
“I’m glad you liked it,” Camila says with a smile, draining the rest of her milk.
Lauren watches from her sideways point of view as Camila clears the tray from the bed to avoid any messes and settles herself comfortably next to Lauren, returning the cute smile Lauren offers.
“What’s your plan for today?” Camila asks as she shifts Lauren’s head onto her lap, gently stroking her hair through her fingers.
There’s a blush forming on Lauren’s cheeks from the domesticity of the action that she’s hoping the girl won’t notice. “Um, I’m not sure. Ally and Tori are staying over tonight but we haven’t discussed anything else yet.”
As soon as Lauren finishes her sentence, both their phones go off, the group chat message tones ringing in the air. She sits up, retrieving her phone from the bedside table.
Zayn: what is everyone up to today?
Normani: Nothing much
Tori: Ally and I are staying over at Laur’s tonight but that’s not until later
Dinah: i’m hangin’ w ari rn but nothin else besides that
Dinah: mila and lauren r probably gettin 2 no each other real good ;)
Lauren peeks up at Camila who is sporting the same blush that she is. “What does Dinah mean by that?”
“Uh, I have, uh, no idea. She’s just, you know… being her annoying self,” Camila stutters out nervously.
Camila: shut up D
Dinah: so i’m right???
Camila: no ur not stfu
“D– does she know something I don’t?” Lauren asks hesitantly.
“No, no, she just loves talking shit.”
Eyeing Camila suspiciously, Lauren decides to drop it for now before glancing back down at her phone right as another message comes through.
Zayn: well I was thinking everyone could come over to my place and hang out in the pool
“Do you want to go to Zayn’s?” Camila asks as she looks up at Lauren.
Lauren opens her mouth to answer but her insecurities immediately start casting doubt on herself. She’s not sure if she can handle being that uncovered in front of other people. “Um, I don’t know if– because you know… and I just– it might not, because I’m… uh, you know, um, that’s probably not–“
“Whoa, whoa, Lauren take a breath,” Camila urges because Lauren’s pitch started rising as she spoke faster and faster, stumbling over her words.
“I’m– I’m sorry I just, I don’t know if I can handle…” she trails off, embarrassedly glancing away from the knowing look Camila gives her.
“Lauren,” Camila says, and it’s the gentle way she voiced her name that has Lauren looking back at the girl. “Is this about you not feeling comfortable?”
Instead of verbally replying, Lauren just faintly nods, hating how her insecure thoughts make her act this way. She watches as Camila places her phone down onto the comforter, shuffling closer so that she can take Lauren’s hand in hers.
“First of all, don’t be embarrassed, because this is nothing to be ashamed of and I know what you’re thinking.”
Lauren is honestly surprised because she didn’t think Camila was that perceptive or that she was going to take this helping Lauren thing seriously.
“Secondly, I promised that I would help you out and I will. So tell me, if it weren’t for the bathing suits thing, would you want to go?”
“Yes. Yeah, I want to hang out with everyone.”
Camila nods, covering Lauren’s hand with her other one. “How about if you wore a pair of workout shorts and a tank top?”
“But everyone is going to laugh at me because I’ll be the only one wearing clothes,” Lauren disagrees with a frown.
This time, it’s Camila’s turn to frown. “You know that they’re your friends and they would never make fun of you. Also, people wear shorts and shirts all the time for swimming. It’s not unusual.”
“Yeah, but,” Lauren starts, huffing out through her nose in frustration. “I don’t want to do that. I mean like… I want to try new things and attempt other stuff so that I become more comfortable and confident, you know? I don’t want to keep hiding.”
Nodding understandably, Camila glances around in thought for a moment. “How would you feel about wearing a one piece?”
“I… could probably try that. Except that I don’t have one.”
“Normani has one that’s a little tight on her. You guys are the same height though, and it might fit you. Plus, it’s super cute without being too revealing. Want me to ask her to bring it?”
Lauren takes a moment to think it over, forcefully pushing away her feelings of self-doubt. “Okay. Yes, I want to try this. I’m going to… I can do this.”
“I believe in you,” Camila offers with a reassuring grin. “And if you feel too uncomfortable, just let me know, alright?”
“Okay, I will. I… thanks Camila.”
“Any time, baby,” the girl responds, and it has Lauren’s stomach flipping the same way it did the first time Camila called her that when her nose got hit.
Camila finally lets go of her hands to reach for her phone and Lauren can’t really help the disappointment she feels at losing that calming warmth.
“I’ll tell Zayn we’re in and Normani to bring the swimsuit. Then we can start getting ready to head over if you want?”
“Sure,” Lauren breathes out, because she’s nervous and anxious and apprehensive but… Camila makes her feel better.
~~
“Hey guys,” Zayn greets as he leans in to hug both girls. “You’re the last to arrive; everyone is in the back.”
They follow Zayn through his impressively sized house, heading into the kitchen to pass through the door leading into the lanai area. It’s clear that everyone else arrived not too long ago because no one is swimming yet and some are still wearing their clothes.
Camila brings the iced tea that they brought over to the snack table while Lauren drops their belongings on one of the free patio chairs. Zayn walks after Lauren, wearing his swimming trunks and a tank top so that his tattoos are on full display.
“You’ve never been to my house before, right?” Zayn asks.
Swallowing nervously, Lauren watches as Ariana begins removing her sundress to reveal her bikini underneath. “Nope, first time,” she answers as she brings her gaze back to Zayn.
“Oh, well we have hangouts here all the time. Especially during the summer… we practically live in the pool then. So you’ll get to know the place in no time.”
Lauren just nods instead of verbally replying, because the thought has her stomach turning uncomfortably and she’s beginning to regret coming today.
Shawn calls out to Zayn for some help with setting up the music, leaving Lauren by herself. She begins scanning the pool area, noticing how everyone is starting to strip down to their bathing suits. Ariana’s swimsuit compliments her slim figure, Normani has the body of a dancer so of course she’s flawless, Dinah’s got beautiful golden skin accented by her white suit, Shawn and Zayn both have attractive, muscled physiques, and Tori’s magnificent, curly hair drapes over her shoulders while she lathers sunscreen in between the intricate patterns of Ally’s flattering suit.
They all look so… good.
Her friends all have bodies like models while Lauren feels like she can’t even compare. Coming today was definitely a bad idea.
Just as she’s about to turn around and book it, she sees Normani and her immaculate figure approaching her with a big smile.
“Nice to see you, Laur. Thanks for taking care of our Mila last night,” Normani says with a grin, wrapping her arms around Lauren’s shoulders in a tight hug. She leans back, handing a folded piece of fabric to Lauren. “Here’s the swimsuit for you. I’m almost positive that it’ll fit you.”
“Oh, um, thanks Normani, but I’m not sur–“
“Hi, Mani. Thanks for bringing that for Lauren.” Camila suddenly appears next to Lauren.
“Yeah, no problem. I think it’ll fit her really well.”
“You ready for this, Lo?” Camila asks as Normani heads back over to the pool, gesturing to what’s in her hands.
She wrings the fabric nervously between her fingers, licking her lips anxiously. “Yeah. I’ll uh, I’ll be right back.”
“Do you want me to come with you?” Camila asks worriedly before Lauren can walk away.
Lauren shakes her head. “No, that’s okay. I’ll only be five minutes.”
Camila lets her go so Lauren wanders back into the house, searching the downstairs rooms until she stumbles across a bathroom. Flicking the light on and closing the door, she lays the suit down onto the counter and stares at her reflection in the mirror.
“I can do this. It’s not a big deal. It’s just a bathing suit. Everyone else is wearing one too. Camila said that it would be okay.” Dropping her head, Lauren shakes it at herself. “And you’re talking to yourself. Fantastic.”
Heaving out a sigh, she begins to undress, removing her clothing and stuffing it into the bag she brought with her. She holds the one piece out, noting that it actually is pretty cute. It’s solid black with spaghetti straps, and there’s a v that goes down the cleavage and stops right above the bellybutton, with a string the criss-crosses in the gap and ties at the breasts. It’ll definitely leave Lauren with a weird tan line, but she can see how it could be tasteful and flattering while not being overly revealing.
She slips it on, tugging it up her body and sliding the straps over her shoulders. The strings dangle down her torso so she ties them up into a simple bow.
Normani and Camila were right, because the suit fits her perfectly. It molds to the curves of her torso that she’s aware she has, a glimpse of her breasts visible through the slit. What she’s not really comfortable with, however, is how it doesn’t really cover her ass, the bottom half of her butt cheeks completely bare. She also feels self-conscious about the roll of her stomach clearly defined by the bathing suit. Flat, firm abs are what people like, not this extra bit of weight she’s got packed onto her tummy. She knows it’s not attractive and she hates that it’s so hard to get rid of.
A quick knock on the door makes Lauren jump, and she places a hand over her heart to calm its racing.
“Lo, are you okay? You’ve been gone for like ten minutes.”
Apparently she spent more time than she realized in her self-doubting because Camila has come looking for her.
“Y– yeah I’m fine,” Lauren calls out, hoping that she successfully hid the slight tremble in her voice. “I’m, um, coming out now.”
Taking a deep breath, Lauren grabs her bag before slowly opening the door. Camila is patiently standing on the other side with a smile on her face and her hands clasped loosely in front of her.
Lauren notices how Camila’s eyes widen when she completely steps out, and after she quickly turns around to switch the light off, Camila’s cheeks are definitely a shade darker.
“Holy shit, Lauren, you look fucki–” Camila begins to say, but stops herself as she brings her eyes back up to Lauren’s face.
Starting to feel too apprehensive, Lauren tries to use her bag to cover herself from Camila’s eyes. Before she can, though, the girl steps forward, comfortingly placing her hands on Lauren’s arms.
“I’m sorry,” Camila starts, offering a sweet smile to Lauren. “I’m working on being less douchey when I compliment people. What I meant to say was… you look so, so gorgeous, and you really have nothing to worry about.”
“Camila, you don’t have to–“
Camila shakes her head. “No, I mean it. I was being sincere when I said I wanted to help you. So I’m not saying this just to appease you. I’m saying it because you look genuinely beautiful, and I wish you could see what I see. I wish you could appreciate your stunning curves and how well you fit in that and just…”
“But,” Lauren says, placing a hand over her belly. “I hate this. It’s not supposed to stick out like this. It’s supposed to… to… to look like yours. Beautiful and flat and smooth,” Lauren finishes, gesturing towards Camila’s now bare stomach.
“Who told you that?” Camila asks rhetorically. “That doesn’t make you any less attractive than you already are, and it’s a beautiful part of you. You don’t think I wouldn’t change something about myself? Like… like maybe having a bigger chest? Mine is small, but yours is so full and gorgeous. I know that I won’t ever have that, but just because mine is smaller doesn’t make me less of who I am. And your stomach… doesn’t make you less of who you are. Of what you are: beautiful.”
Lauren is honestly kind of blown away by Camila’s impromptu speech. She knew that Camila promised to help Lauren out with this personal issue of hers but she didn’t expect the girl to feel so passionately about it.
Staring at Camila, Lauren blinks her wide green eyes as she struggles to come up with something to say, but Camila beats her to it.
“You don’t need to respond. And you don’t need to feel pressured to go outside either, alright? I just wanted you to know all that stuff.”
Lauren thinks about it for a moment, really appreciating how Camila isn’t forcing her or expecting her to suck it up. But when she replays the girl’s words over in her head, she feels a sense of calm and confidence wash over her. If Camila believes this strongly in her, why shouldn’t Lauren?
“Let’s go,” Lauren says, grasping Camila’s hand in hers.
“Huh?”
“Let’s go swim with our friends.”
The smile that Camila gives her makes Lauren that much happier for taking this leap of faith.
~~
It turns out that Lauren had nothing to worry about, because her friends don’t judge her or make her feel uncomfortable at all. In fact, Normani admits that the swimsuit looks better on Lauren than it did on her, Ally and Tori give Lauren encouraging smiles, and Zayn even makes a joke about how lucky he is to be surrounded by such attractive girls (after Lauren makes an appearance in her suit).
All in all, it’s a really fun day that at some points has Lauren completely forgetting about being self-conscious.
Dinner time rolls around so they decide to call it a day as they had been hanging out since before noon. Everyone either rode with someone or drove their own car, so one by one they all begin leaving. Lauren lets Camila know that she’ll hitch a ride with either Tori or Ally since they’re both staying over at her house the next few nights.
The little confidence boost Lauren got from Camila’s reassurance still hasn’t worn off, and honestly she’s been contemplating this all day. She’s never been very good at expressing her thoughts solely because she’s often too shy of what people will think, but Lauren convinces herself to take this step way out of her comfort zone because that’s the only way she’ll improve.
Saying a quick goodbye to Shawn, Lauren heads into the kitchen where she’s hoping she’ll find Zayn to thank him for the day. She walks in to see him reaching into a cabinet for a trash bag to replace the now full one.
“Thanks for today, Zayn. It was a lot of fun.”
“Yeah, no problem. I’m really glad you could make it. Who knew you were so good at pool volleyball?”
Lauren giggles, then begins fiddling with her hair as she feels her nerves rising. She glances out of the window to find Ally and Tori in conversation with Camila as they gather their belongings.
Now or never.
“I um… I wanted to talk to you about something.”
“Sure, what about?” Zayn asks as he turns to give Lauren his attention.
She glances outside again, watching as Camila throws her head back in laughter at something Tori said. Focusing back on Zayn, Lauren swallows the lump in her throat, begging herself to get out what she wants to say before she chickens out.
“I… um… I–“
“Lauren, what’s wrong?” Zayn asks, taking a step closer to Lauren.
“I… I…”
Just say it, Lauren berates herself. Stop being a fucking coward and say it.
She exhales hard through her nose, shoving down her apprehension and grasping at the last bit of her confidence.
“I have a crush on you.”
~~