Chapter IX
There's a solemn kind of beauty about this Saturday as the four women walk along the pavement towards the graveyard. It's the underestimated kind of beauty. It's the kind that most people find tragic and unwelcome without ever realizing that it's also the kind that's just right for this sort of thing.
It's the kind of beauty that's best appreciated with heavy footsteps and a mourning heart.
It's the kind of beauty that leaves tragic marks on its path, emotional scars that must be welcomed and appreciated, for if they're not, they will devour you in the most brutal of ways and that is something no one ever returns from.
If there's one person that knows just how true that is, it's Lexa. That's also why she decided to do this. Taking Clarke and Raven to Costia's grave is the only way she knows how to explain what losing Costia did to her and how it changed her.
It's a twenty minute walk from Clarke and Raven's apartment to the graveyard. The four women walk in silence along the pavement and they make a stop by the flower shop on the way. Lexa enters alone and comes back with two beautiful daffodils in her hand.
"Two?" Anya asks.
Lexa nods and determinedly picks up walking towards the graveyard. She's afraid she'll change her mind about what she's about to do if she's not constantly moving towards it.
Once in the graveyard, Lexa quietly directs them to Costia's grave. She hands over the daffodils for Anya to hold, pulling out her notebook.
Lexa looks to the sky and takes a deep breath before she starts writing.
'Can you tell them her story? I don't know how to write it', Lexa pleads Anya.
Anya nods as she looks at Lexa and then let's her gaze fall to the ground. There's a brief moment where everyone holds their breath like somehow the universe needed this moment to be frozen in time. This frozen moment in time is completely soundless but it feels like screaming under water. And it's perfect this way because it needs to be tragic or else it loses its beauty.
"Okay, sis. Back me up if I forget something?" Anya's broken voice pleads and Lexa nods an agreement while Raven's and Clarke's hearts both beat a broken rythm.
"Raven, Clarke, meet Costia." Anya gestures with a nod towards the gravestone. "We all grew up together. Costia was our neighbour and the same age as Lexa. She was a bundle of energy and her eyes lit up any room she ever entered. Even the hospital room where she took her last breath." Anya forces her gaze to stay on the gravestone, trying not to waver. She misses Costia too.
"Those two were inseparable. Always. They even finished each other's sentences. So when a 15-year-old Lexa told me Costia had kissed her, I wasn't surprised at all," Anya chuckles. Lexa smiles a little by the memory.
"I remember Lexa flaunting a cheesy grin for days, not unlike the one she sported when she joined us for breakfast this morning," Anya teases, trying to lighten up the mood a bit.
"When Costia was 18, she was diagnosed with leukemia." Anya and Lexa shares a pained look, both remembering what that disease did to Costia. Neither dared look at anything else but each other or Costia's grave to give them the strength they needed for the last part.
"She fought all she could for two years. But the doctors couldn't safe her. Lexa was there holding her hand, singing for her when she took her last breath. Costia was a bright soul and very important to both of us," Anya chokes, not able to keep her tears from flowing.
Lexa gives her a hug to say thank you, tears on her cheeks too. She pulls out her notebook and scribbles a note. Before burning it on the grave, she shows it to Clarke and Raven.
'Costia, meet Clarke and Raven. They both have a special place in my heart, next to yours. I think you would have loved them too.'
Lexa leaves one daffodil on top of the ashes and turns around to meet Clarke's blue eyes staring at her, tears on her face too. She is then enveloped by Clarke's arms and a whisper in her ears.
"Thank you, Lexa. For introducing us," she lets go of Lexa and says, "Do you want to meet Finn?"
Lexa nods and hands Clarke the other daffodil.
"For Finn?" Clarke asks, not quite believing the extend of concern this woman is capable of. Clarke is beginning to realize that maybe she was wrong about Lexa being fragile. In this moment, Lexa is the strongest person she's ever known.
Lexa nods again.
"Are you okay to visit Finn?" Clarke asks Raven.
"Yeah, no time like the present, right?" Raven says still trying to keep her feelings in control.
The truth is that Raven is never ready to visit Finn's grave. Raven deals with the aftermath of the car accident differently than Clarke. Clarke needs to visit Finn once in a while and Raven had to let him go completely to move on.
Clarke feels Lexa's hand slip into hers, a reassuring squeeze and then their fingers entwine. Clarke nods and pulls Lexa along to the other side of the graveyard. Raven and Anya follow right behind them.
Clarke doesn't let go of Lexa's hand as she says, "This is Finn. Where do we begin, Rae?" Clarke chuckles along Raven.
"I met Finn when I was 22. He was a gentle soul and loved making people laugh. His jokes were terrible and he knew it, but his charm had people laughing anyways." Clarke pauses and share a knowing look with Raven.
"That ass," Raven says, a sad smile on her face. "He annoyed the shit out of me with his stupid pranks. But god, I loved him for it."
Clarke nods and continues, "He asked Raven out on a date, but ended up cancelling because he met me the day after, he said he couldn't lie to Raven like that and he'd regret it terribly if he didn't at least try to convince me that he was worth taking a chance on." Clarke and Raven share a look the meaning of it only to be translated by the two of them.
"I moved in with him two years later." Clarke's smile falters a little.
"Three years ago, the three of us were driving up to visit my parents. I've known Raven most of my life and my parents treat her like a daughter. Raven was driving that day and Finn had called shotgun leaving me to the backseat... behind Raven..." Clarke pauses, and Lexa gives Clarke's hand another soft squeeze to remind her it's okay.
"I... Out of nowhere a car runs a red light and crashes into us. I blacked out... I've been told that Finn died in the ambulance. Raven's leg got busted and I... All that happened to me was a concussion and some superficial wounds."
Clarke is still crying, silently. She's surprisingly calm despite of it.
She kneels to place the daffodil up against Finn's tombstone. "Finn," she says. "This is Anya, Raven's girlfriend. She's as sarcastic as Raven, you would have loved her. And this is Lexa, Anya's sister. She's... She's special. She looks out for me, so you don't have to worry. I'm good."
Clarke rises from her kneeling position and the four of them stand in silence looking at Finn's grave.
Anya pulls a paralyzed Raven into a hug. They haven't spoken much about the accident that lead to Raven's leg brace. Anya didn't know that Finn died in that accident. But she understands Raven's way of dealing with it, so she just hugs her and leaves kisses on her forehead telling her, "you're a strong woman, Rae. It's okay to mourn." All Raven is capable of returning is a nod, barely there, but Anya is used to Lexa's subtle body language and so she knows that it takes all the strength Raven posseses in this moment to be able to do it.
Clarke and Lexa are standing shoulder to shoulder, still holding hands, anchoring one to the other. Their hearts are still heavy but the burden on their shoulders are lighter.
"Shit," Clarke exhales. "This is hard. I need ice cream to deal with this." Raven and Anya chuckles and Lexa just smiles. Ice cream doesn't sound too bad.
*
They go back to Clarke and Raven's place to mend their hearts with ice cream while sharing stories about their lost ones. With every spoonful of ice cream, every story told and every tear cried another crack in their broken heart is being sealed. It's a peculiar thing, Lexa thinks, because she's been living with this grief in her body for eight years and it has been a sturdy companion and the only constant she could count on and then comes along someone like Clarke, someone who understands her grief, someone she can share that with and that sturdy foundation is crumbling around her. What grows instead is a future unknown and Lexa only knows one thing, but in this pocket of time that's all she needs. Clarke holds the tools needed to patch up heart.
Lexa and Anya leaves before dinner time and Clarke kisses Lexa on the cheek making her promise she'll keep in touch and text her if she needs anything.
That night Clarke falls asleep feeling lonely in her bed. Not because she lost Finn but because she misses Lexa's touch.
Lexa stays up late writing down all the memories she gathered today. She falls asleep on the couch missing Clarke's body against hers.