Chapter X
When Sunday morning rolls in, Clarke wakes up stretching her arms over her head and then joins Raven in the kitchen.
"Morning, Clarke. Coffee on the counter, I'm heading out. See you later." Raven is out the door before Clarke is done yawning.
Her phone buzzes on the counter and she grins when she realizes it's a text from Lexa.
Lexa:
Goodmorning Clarke. If you by any chance don't have any plans today I'm at the park around noon. It's a Sunday tradition. You're always welcome to join me.
Clarke feels her smile grow bigger as she reads the text and she rolls her eyes, because come on, she's turning into a sap.
Clarke:
Hello yourself. I happen to have the day off and absolutely no plans. I'd love to join you :)
Lexa:
Great. See you later :)
*
In the weeks following their visit to the graveyard Clarke and Lexa grows inevitably closer.
Lexa's Sunday tradition also becomes Clarke's Sunday tradition. Clarke makes sure her shifts at work doesn't interfere with that, in fact, she takes less extra shifts to be able to spend more time with Lexa. Raven is thrilled, to say the least, she always thought Clarke worked too much.
They eventually make a new tradition, the movie night tradition. It happens on most of Clarke's nights off and it's always at Clarke's place because her couch is more comfortable. Sometimes, Raven and Anya joins them, sometimes they come home late finding Clarke and Lexa entangled on the couch having fallen asleep during the movie. And in the mornings after, they find Clarke and Lexa in the kitchen acting strangely domestic. Clarke drinks tea because Lexa drinks tea and Lexa hands her the salt before Clarke even asks for it.
On the days they don't see each other, they text. Clarke sends her photos of the doodles she's drawing and Lexa sends photos back of her mutant stick man copies of Clarke's doodles and Clarke makes sure to save a copy of each and every one of them.
They visit the graveyard together, hands entwined and daffodils for Costia and Finn. Not often, just, once in a while.
Lexa still has nightmares of losing Costia. She also still talks in her sleep. On the nights Lexa stays at Clarke's, Clarke comforts her after a nightmare. They're less frequent now, and sometimes it's Clarke she loses, not Costia. Clarke knows because one night Lexa calls her name instead of Costia's in her sleep. It makes her heart ache knowing the pain Lexa experiences, and it makes her heart flutter hearing her name spilled from Lexa's lips.
Clarke hasn't told her yet. That night, the first time she heard Lexa speak her name she knew she had to tell her. She felt like keeping it from her was the same as lying to her, and Lexa deserves better than that.
She knows it's risky, that she could lose Lexa. But she has to know, and if it goes badly, at least she knows Lexa has Anya.
*
It's the first weekend of May, a sunny Saturday afternoon and they're walking hand in hand through the park. Clarke by some miracle has the day off and decides now is the time to tell Lexa. Clarke is nervous and her hands are shaking. Lexa squeezes her hand and stops walking. She looks at Clarke who's avoiding her gaze. Lexa is worried and all she can do is pull Clarke into a hug. Clarke sniffles a little and Lexa pulls her closer.
Inside Clarke's head, something is screaming uncontrollably. But when Clarke finally speaks it's barely a whisper, the kind of whisper that is so fragile, the intensity of it drowns out everything else.
"Lexa, I need to tell you something, and I'm scared because I don't know how you're going to respond."
Lexa nods, pulling Clarke infinitely closer to her, trying to tell her that no matter what it is, it's going to be okay.
"I... Well..." Clarke stutters and Lexa breaks the hug just enough to cup her cheeks and meet Clarke's eyes. Lexa feels the panic travel along her spine, but she tries to stay strong for Clarke. She tries anchoring Clarke by leaning their foreheads together and it works. Clarke sighs heavily and continues.
"You know you're having nightmares, right?"
Lexa nods, not quite understanding where Clarke is going with this.
"Well, did you also know, that you talk in your sleep?" Clarke holds her breath waiting for hell to break loose.
It doesn't.
Lexa's mouth opens as if she wants to say something but can't find the words. She blinks a few times and pulls Clarke to the nearest bench. She pulls out her notebook, she rarely ever uses it around Clarke anymore, but right now she needs the security it provides.
'I talk?'
"Yes."
'Real words?'
"... Yes."
Clarke can see Lexa is overwhelmed by this and she doesn't know what to do about it, so she waits letting Lexa set the pace.
Lexa puts her pen to the paper again and again, but she doesn't know what to write.
"Tell me what you're thinking, Lex," Clarke carefully prompts.
Lexa shuts her eyes for a second trying to control the panic that builds in her lungs. She doesn't understand. She's talking in her sleep. Which means she didn't lose her voice... She just somehow lost the ability to talk in a conscious state. Which means... did she choose not to speak? Could she speak if she wanted to?
Clarke gets more anxious by the minute watching Lexa fight this battle inside her mind. She wonders if she should maybe call Anya for assistance. But Lexa isn't panicking for real, not yet, so she tries one last thing.
"You won't lose me, Lex. I'm right here." she places a careful hand on Lexa's thigh as to remind her of just that. Lexa doesn't flinch and Clarke takes it as a cue to continue talking.
"I like how you say my name," a soft smile overtakes Clarke's face. "Even if I don't hear you speak it again. I don't care about that. I just want you to feel safe and happy. "
Lexa rises from the bench slowly but keeps in place. She wants to go home and shut everything out. She wants to fall into Clarke's embrace, to feel the comfort she always finds there and she wants to shut everything out. And she realizes that she can't do both. Shutting everything out means shutting Clarke out too, and she can't lose Clarke.
Clarke senses her struggle. She rises too and softly, carefully grabs Lexa's hand.
"I understand if you need time to process this, just... please don't shut me out." Clarke chokes out the last words and it rips through Lexa like knifes penetrating her skin. She meets Clarke's eyes and suddenly she doesn't care about her own thoughts anymore. She sees the pain in Clarke's eyes and she realizes that Clarke is just as scared of losing her as she is of losing Clarke.
She needs Clarke to feel safe and happy too. She doesn't deserve more pain in her life. The fear of hurting Clarke pulls at Lexa's heart and she cups Clarke's cheeks with both hands pulling her closer. It's not Clarke's fault that she talks in her sleep and she needs Clarke to know that she doesn't blame her and that she won't lose her.
Their foreheads are touching and Lexa feels Clarke tremble in her hands.
"I'm sorry, Lex. Please don't shut me out." Clarke's weak voice is breaking Lexa's heart and Lexa shakes her head because 'no, don't apologize, it's not your fault'.
Lexa feels Clarke's breath on her lips, warm and shaking. She feels Clarke's trembling lips vibrate in the space between them. She feels Clarke's hands pulling desperately on the fabric of her hoodie.
She needs Clarke closer. She needs Clarke to understand that she's not losing her. So she closes the distance between them, her lips softly against Clarke's, grounding Clarke who's still trembling, grunding herself.
Lexa's lips are so soft and careful and Clarke's breath catches in her throat, the kiss surprising her so much that she stops shaking. She kisses Lexa back, slowly moving her lips against Lexa's. Clarke slowly releases her grip on Lexa's hoodie and snakes her arms around Lexa's waist.
If you ask Raven or Anya, they'd tell you that this kiss was long overdue. If you ask Lexa or Clarke they'd tell you that it was just right, that it felt like coming home.
Lexa breaks the kiss carefully watching Clarke's reaction. Clarke's eyes flutter open and Lexa's heart melts by the sight. Gone is all the doubt and the pain. She thinks maybe that's exactly what Clarke sees in her eyes too.
"What was that for?" Clarke asks, barely a whisper.
Lexa only has a soft half smile to offer.
Clarke doesn't need more than that and she accepts it by softly placing a kiss on Lexa's lips.
"I think I needed that..." Clarke sighs.
Lexa realizes that she kind of needed it too.
"You okay, Lex?" Clarke needs to know.
Lexa nods. She releases Clarke to pull out her notebook already missing Clarke's touch.
'Thank you for telling me. I'm a bit overwhelmed and I need to process it. I also need to talk to Anya. I'm NOT shutting you out. I couldn't if I tried. I kind of like having you around'
Clarke releases a sigh of relief after reading Lexa's words.
"I also kinda like having you around," Clarke smiles. "Come back to my place, Lex? Let's watch a movie and cuddle on the couch and ignore the world for the rest of today. Just for today?" Clarke asks timidly, her voice painted with vulnerability.
Lexa nods because that's exactly what she needs. Just one day of not caring about anything but her and Clarke before having to face her demons.