Chapter VI
It's a fine day of March, one of those kind of days that chills your skin a bit too much but you don't care because it's been one of those extraordinarily long, cold winters and the sun is finally out so you take advantage of it while you can.
Lexa goes to the park early. She goes to the park early to visit Costia's bench and to clear her head before Clarke shows up. She goes to the park early because she was restless and impatient and she hoped that coming here early could make time move faster. It surely felt like time stood still while just sitting at home, waiting.
"Is there room for one more on this bench?" the familiar voice asks and the deja vu feeling breaks a soft smile on Lexa's face. She looks up to find Clarke sheepishly grinning at her. Lexa raises an amused eyebrow as she gestures for Clarke to take a seat next to her.
Lexa is nervous. Not the sweaty palms and dry throat kind, but the kind that feeds on a mix of anxiety and excitement. Clarke wants to spend time with her and usually when people wants to spend time with her, they also usually want to talk... and Lexa doesn't speak. So she worries that Clarke is the same, wanting to talk. She worries that Clarke gets bored and regrets meeting with her.
Maybe Clarke can sense Lexa panicking, even if it's just a flicker, because she leans back, closes her eyes and points a satisfied smile towards the sun. Maybe it's just Clarke being Clarke.
"I missed the sun," Clarke sighs contentedly. "I get why you like this spot. It's got great view over the park and just the right angle for the afternoon sun. Now shush, while I let it soak me up."
Lexa stares at her in disbelief, and if she did speak, she'd be speechless. So she just stares at her because she doesn't know what else to do. She stares at her until she cracks open an eye, a sideways glance playfully challenging Lexa to cross her.
Lexa scrunches her eyes in a dare and then copies Clarke's posture, leaning back and closing her eyes. The sun does actually feel nice upon her skin, nice and warm and it makes her smile. The gesture results in Clarke laughing, loud and uncontrollably and it does something to Lexa, something she wants to be done to her again and again. Right there on the bench, she silently vows to make sure Clarke won't ever stop laughing like that.
"That's what I thought," Clarke sighs victoriously, immediately receiving a soft jab of Lexa's elbow to her side.
"Ouh," Clarke yelps in surprise and starts laughing again. She sneaks a peek at Lexa whose eyes are still shut. Lexa is grinning like a fool and she looks genuinely happy, something Clarke is not sure happens too often. Clarke's heart aches for this silent lonely girl who has shut out the world for so long, too long, and she silently vows to make sure Lexa will continue to feel this happy.
A comfortable silence settles around them while Clarke admires the colors of early spring and Lexa listens to the music of the birds in the trees. There's an unspoken promise of a blooming friendship between them and it's a promise of more than any of them ever thought possible.
"So..." Clarke says standing up. Lexa opens her eyes looking up at Clarke with a question mark lifting her eyebrow.
"Get up, I've got an idea," Clarke says.
Lexa is confused and a confused Lexa is also a paralyzed Lexa.
Clarke holds out her hand, wiggling her fingers. "Come on," she smiles.
To Lexa, Clarke is a confident independent woman. Clarke is broken, yes, but beautifully so, and clearly so strong it makes her shine like the sun.
What Lexa doesn't know is that Clarke didn't mean to offer Lexa her hand. It's a gesture that surprises Clarke more than it probably does Lexa. It's a gesture happening instinctively and Clarke hates herself a little because of it because maybe Lexa isn't comfortable with it, maybe she overstepped her boundaries.
So Clarke is panicking a little inside. She doesn't want to scare off Lexa and she knows she needs to be cautious not to do so. She knows she needs to be cautious not to scare herself off too. And maybe, just maybe, she's using Lexa's fragile state of mind to camouflage her own fears.
Lexa grabs her hand cautiously and dwells in the soft skin against her own. Clarke softly pulls her up from the bench and starts pulling her in the direction towards... well, Lexa doesn't know where they're going. Her eyes fall to their hands still holding on to each other and when she looks up again she meets Clarke's worried eyes.
"Sorry... I... " Clarke stutters letting go of Lexa's hand, but Lexa won't have it and she squeezes Clarke's hand once before entwining their fingers.
Two hearts racing. Two sets of eyes shyly cast towards the pavement moving beneath their feet. Two girls with a hint of a blush and insecure smiles overtaking their faces. Two girls slightly panicking inside because this is the first time in a long time they've felt alive and it's a terrifying feeling.
Lexa forgets that Clarke is taking her somewhere, honestly, she forgets time. The only thing on her mind is Clarke's hand in hers and the impossible task of quieting down her heart.
Clarke is a woman with a plan. That plan wasn't to grab Lexa's hand, believe it or not, it just sort of happened. Clarke is doing all she can to keep to the plan, though. She's panicking a little bit, but she doesn't want Lexa to know, so she keeps on moving towards her destination. Through the park, across the street. Breathing in two three four out to three four five six. Again. Lexa gives her hand another squeeze and it seems to Clarke that Lexa's warmth seeps into her hand, into her veins and fills her body to the rim. Suddenly, Clarke doesn't panic anymore and she looks up realising she has almost reached her destination.
Clarke slows down, gives Lexa's hand a squeeze back before she lets go.
"Stay here, I'll be right back."
Lexa watches Clarke walk into an ice cream shop, undeniably missing the touch of her hand. She frowns at herself and slowly breathes out through her nose, the tension that's building in her flowing along with it. She wonders if maybe she likes Clarke more than she's supposed to given the very short time they've known each other. She wonders if they will become friends, if Clarke wants to keep hanging out with her. She would very much like that, in fact. Clarke makes her look forward to things, to their next meeting, whatever that may be. Lexa hasn't been looking forward to something in a very long time. It's exhilarating and she likes it.
Lexa's train of thought is interrupted by Clarke stepping out of the shop with a scoop of ice cream in each hand.
"Turn that frown upside down", she says, handing over a scoop of ice cream for Lexa. "Vanilla for you, chocolate for me," Clarke grins.
Lexa accepts the ice cream matching Clarke's grin.
"Come on", Clarke says as she starts walking back to the park.
They find a bench, another bench. It's not Costia's bench but Lexa is okay with that. For the first time in eight years Lexa is not visiting the park in memory of Costia and she thinks that she could get used to having Clarke around. For now though, she savors every minute she gets with her on this bench this afternoon.
*
There's a comfort in the silence enveloping the two women on the bench. Their ice cream long gone, the sun slowly moving across the sky. Clarke reluctantly gets up because she needs to get ready for work and Lexa tries to ignore the sinking feeling in her stomach.
"So... I need to go..." Clarke says and Lexa thinks she hears disappointment in her voice. Lexa nods, maybe slightly disappointed too.
"Thank you for meeting me. I had a great time," Clarke smiles softly.
Lexa pulls out her small notebook to write Clarke a note.
'Me too. Next time, ice cream is on me'.
Clarke chuckles and Lexa melts.
"Deal." Clarke smiles putting her hands in her pockets.
Lexa rises and gestures for Clarke to move, that she'll follow her out the park. They walk silently through the park, arms brushing against each other once in a while and when they reach the park gate, Clarke stops and pulls Lexa into a hug. Lexa suddenly realizes that she's been missing this, Clarke's hugs, and she melts into her arms soaking up all that is Clarke. Lexa is a bit taller and she kind of likes the fact that she can envelope Clarke in her arms, that Clarke naturally leans into the crook of her neck. It's intimate but Lexa doesn't care anymore. She tried to ignore Clarke for three weeks and failed miserably. Giving in is so worth it, come what may.
Clarke is again afraid that she overstepped some boundary, but she couldn't not hug her. Her body craved it, like a magnet searching for its counterpoint. Clarke needed to tell her how great a time she had and she couldn't find the words. So she hugged her. And when she feels Lexa's arms around her shoulders, pulling her closer, she sighs. Clarke feels safe in Lexa's arms and she's overwhelmed by the scent of... Lexa, like the sun and fresh air and something citrus-like and when they eventually break the hug, a tear trails down her cheek.
Lexa frowns and she cups Clarke's face carefully wiping away tears with her thumbs. Clarke closes her eyes and leans into the touch and Lexa watches her carefully, not quite sure what she did to make Clarke cry, not quite sure what to do to make her feel better.
"I'm okay", Clarke whispers. She brings her hands up to Lexa's, giving them a reassuring squeeze. "I... it feels good hugging you... I guess I got a little overwhelmed by it..." she says, her gaze dropping to the gravel dirt beneath their feet.
Lexa knows overwhelmed. It happens to her more often than she cares to admit and it usually shuts her down completely. An overwhelmed Lexa needs time and space and maybe that's what Clarke needs too.
"I'm sorry," Clarke says, choking on her words, hating herself for being this vulnerable in front of Lexa.
Lexa instinctively pulls Clarke in again for another hug, leaving a soft kiss on the top of her head. She hopes that Clarke gets the message 'Don't apologize. I understand. It's okay'. She hopes that Clarke finds comfort in her arms and she thinks she has succeeded when Clarke whispers a "thank you" into her shoulder.
"I really need to go, Lexa. I'm sorry I'm killing the mood. I really did have a great time. I'll text you, okay?" Clarke let's go of Lexa, a sad smile on her face.
Lexa watches Clarke walk away, across the street and around the corner, a sad smile enveloped by golden hair and teary blue eyes haunting her. Her heart aches so badly. She hates letting Clarke go looking like that and she wishes she could've done more, something... anything.
If Clarke had looked back over her shoulder she'd seen tears falling down Lexa's cheeks too. All Clarke does see is the memory of concerned green eyes telling her it's okay. All she feels is the burning sensation left where Lexa's thumbs wiped away her tears and the spot where Lexa left a gentle kiss. She thinks maybe she likes Lexa more than she's supposed to.
The only other person that has ever overwhelmed her like this was Finn. Finn and his warm brown eyes and his terrible, terrible jokes that always made her laugh. Finn that was so brutally stolen from her in a car accident. The same car accident that had ruined Raven's leg. The same car accident that left Clarke with only superficial bruises and a broken heart. Mingling with these memories are Lexa's green eyes and Clarke feels safe. Well, safe enough.
*
Clarke has an evening shift at the hospital and it's a hard one. It's hard for her to concentrate on the job because she can't stop thinking about Lexa. She didn't mean to fall apart like that in front of her and she knows that Lexa worries about her.
It's past 9pm before Clarke is able to a take break and the first thing she does is get her phone from her locker to send Lexa the promised text, not because she promised her but because she needs to. For her own sake.
Clarke:
I'm sorry about earlier. Are you okay?
Lexa:
Are YOU okay?
Clarke:
I am.
Lexa:
Then I am too.
Clarke:
Good. Just wanted to make sure that you didn't go to bed worrying about me.
Lexa:
Would you tell me if it was something I did?
Clarke:
I swear, Lexa. I had a really great time and you were the perfect company :) I just got a little overwhelmed and it surprised me. It's not something I'm used to deal with. I'm okay now. I promise!
Lexa:
Okay. Then I also promise I won't go to bed worrying about you :)
Clarke:
Thank you! I've got to go, my break is almost over. I'll text you tomorrow.
Lexa:
Of course, Clarke. And if it wasn't obvious I had a great time today too. Take care, we'll talk tomorrow. If nothing else, I'll see you on Friday for Raven's dinner party.
And that's all it took for Clarke to get the weight off her shoulders. The rest of her shift is over before she knows it and instead of worrying about Lexa she let's the memories of ice cream in the park bring a smile to her face, one of those smiles that settles in her eyes and warms her heart.