Chapter VII
Raven is having another Friday dinner party and this time Lexa doesn't need to be persuaded to join.
Anya had asked her Sunday night and Lexa smiled and nodded maybe a little too soon and Anya was then smirking maybe a little too much.
This time, a grinning Clarke opens the door when Anya attacks the buzzer. Her blue eyes glowing as she catches Lexa's eyes, something that doesn't go unnoticed by Anya.
"Hello Clarke," she smirks. "Lexa has been smiling like a fool all week, I had my suspicions of you being the cause and I see now that I was right. You look like a fool too." She winks at Clarke, giving her a hello hug before entering the apartment.
Clarke blushes. Lexa even more so.
"Hi Lexa, it's good to see you again. Please come in." Lexa steps in and Clarke closes the door behind her. Clarke pulls her into a hug, squeezing her closer as it was a source of strength that Clarke desperately needed and Lexa realizes that she kind of missed her a little. She didn't know, but Clarke kind of missed her too.
"Come on, let's join the others," Clarke says moving towards the living room.
Raven jumps from Anya's lap to greet Lexa with a warm hug. "Good to see you again, Lexa."
Lexa answers with her signature greeting nod and takes a seat on the couch next to Clarke.
Lexa is not nervous this time and she enjoys listening to the other three catching up. Lincoln and Octavia arrives just when dinner is ready.
"Hey everyone! Sorry we're late, we brought dessert!" Octavia says enthusiastically.
"Brownies?" Raven hopes.
"What else?" Octavia deadpans.
"I love you!" Raven squeals.
Raven and Clarke had prepared homemade pizzas for dinner. "I know it doesn't sound fancy, but trust me, this is the best pizza you'll ever have!" Clarke says and everyone else agrees with hums and nods and Lexa reciprocates Clarke's grin.
'Sounds delightful. Need help with anything?' Lexa scribbles.
"Sure, come along... I'll find you something to do," Raven says. She has everything under control and doesn't actually need help but Lexa doesn't know that. All Raven wants is to have Lexa alone for a few minutes.
Once in the kitchen Raven orders Lexa to take a seat, she wants to show her something. She picks up Clarke's sketchbook and shuffles to the page with the seasons drawing.
Lexa's eyes widen in awe. She wants to trace her index finger along the lines but she's afraid to ruin it so she holds her hand silently above the paper, drinking in all the details.
"She drew this one last Saturday, the day you texted her? I just thought I wanted to show you that you're having a huge impact on her. It's a good thing, by the way," Raven says, opening the fridge to get the cold beverage.
Lexa remembers. The daffodil and Clarke's seasons of disaster idea. An amused smile spreads across Lexa's face.
"I take it you know what this is about?" Raven smirks.
Lexa looks at her and nods. She pulls out her own notebook and quickly draws a copy of Clarke's drawing. It looks like a child's drawing. Everything is so badly done and Lexa doesn't even care, she knows she can't draw to safe her life. She finishes it with the words Seasons of Disaster and her name signed in the corner. Lexa is grinning all the way to the fridge where she hangs it next to the snowflake drawing.
Raven sneaks a peak over Lexa's shoulder. "This is awesome. She's gonna flip when she sees this," Raven grins. "So, what's the story?"
Lexa shrugs, smirking.
Raven laughs, "You devil, it's a secret?"
Lexa shrugs again, still smirking.
"Mh.. okay... alright... Seriously though. I'm glad she has you, Lexa. She has been broken for so long. It's nice to see her smile again."
Lexa scribbles.
'It goes both ways'
Raven nods, comprehension clear in her eyes.
*
After dinner Lincoln challenges Lexa to a game of chess and he's good but not good enough. Lexa is thoughtfully biting her lip planning her winning strategy. Clarke is watching her intently thinking that she looks goddamn adorable. With each of Lincoln's chess pieces leaving the board Lexa quietly grins and Lincoln sighs.
Octavia requests that Raven brings out her guitar for some sing along and Raven, Clarke and Octavia are singing all the campfire classics they know, 'ain't no sunshine', 'hotel California', 'let it be' etc. Lexa knows them all by heart. She has played them countless times... Well, before Costia died, anyways.
Lexa declares Lincoln checkmate and he sighs in defeat. "You're good, Lexa, I need a rematch when I'm sober," he grins.
Lexa leans back in her chair to enjoy the music. She thinks Clarke has a nice voice, raspy, like when she chuckles. She admires the friendship the three girls have, and she smiles knowingly when Raven winks at Anya and Anya blushes.
By the end of 'California Dreaming' Anya looks at Lexa. "You're gonna grace us with a performance, sis?"
Lexa's eyes widen in horror, because hell no she isn't. She hasn't picked up a guitar or played the piano since Costia died, well no, she hasn't sung since Costia died. She gives the instruments a chance once in a while but it always breaks her heart doing it, instantly missing Costia. There's no way she's going to do that in front of everyone.
"You play?" Raven asks curiously.
"The guitar, the piano... Singing even. She's a musical genius, actually," Anya proudly announces.
Lexa frowns. Everyone is staring at her and it's too much. She clenches her jaw and shakes her head as in saying 'no, just let it go'. The part of her that loves music is so entangled with memories of Costia that she can't even begin to explain why she gave it up.
"Well, if you change your mind, the guitar is here all night," Raven says, strumming the beginning of a new song.
And then Lexa freezes. Anya too.
"Sittin' in the morning sun"
Raven sings and Lexa's mind short-circuits. Images of Costia's golden eyes smiling at her, admiring her as Lexa sings that particular song for her. It was Costia's favourite. And Lexa did a beautiful rendition of it. It was their song.
"I'll be sittin' when the evening comes"
Octavia joins in. Lexa stops breathing, or she forgets to breathe, she doesn't know the difference anymore. She can feel Anya's worried eyes on her but she can't deal with that right now.
She tries deep, controlled breaths. She tries shutting her eyes closed to shut out everything, but nothing helps. All she sees is Costia in a hospital bed taking her last breath while Lexa holds her hand humming that song for her. She remembers Costia's last breath and her body turning cold. She remembers the emptiness that followed. The silence.
She remembers losing her voice.
"Watching the ships roll in"
They sing and Lexa needs to get out of here. Now. Right now.
"Then I watch them roll away again"
Octavia and Raven continues, oblivious to what happens across the living room.
Lexa starts shaking, gasping for air. She doesn't know it, but both Anya and Clarke are watching her carefully, ready to interfere. Anya knows what this song does to her, Clarke knows a panic attack when she sees one, both from own experience and from work.
"I'm just sitting at the dock of the bay... "
Lexa gets up shakily and runs into the hallway and through to the kitchen, the one room in this place she associates with feeling safe. Anya and Clarke runs after her. By the time they get to her she's crying crumbled on the floor. Anya knows the drill, but before she gets to her, Clarke slides to the floor picking up Lexa.
"Lexa, hey, it's okay. Look at me." Lexa doesn't respond, just... gasping for air.
Clarke takes Lexa's right hand and places it across her heart. She then places her own hand across Lexa's heart.
"Lexa, take a deep breath with me, okay? Just... humor me." Clarke takes a deep breath making sure Lexa can feel her chest rising with it. "One two three four. And then out." Clarke exhales slowly counting to six.
"Do it with me, Lex. In two three four.... out two three four five six," Clarke says.
And maybe it's the way Clarke says her name, her voiced laced with genuine concern. Maybe it's because she has noticed Clarke do the breathing exercise herself before, maybe it's the hand on Clarke's chest or maybe it's Clarke's hand on her chest. Maybe it's all of it. Lexa tries, she really does, she takes a sharp inhale and nearly chokes and Clarke is with her.
"It's good, Lex. Good job. Try again for me, okay? I'll do it with you." Clarke takes in a long stream of air, steadily filling her lungs, a tiny smile working its way to her lips as she feels Lexa's lungs do the same.
"Good. Now exhale slowly," and they do it together.
Lexa is still gasping a little, still crying, still shutting her eyes tight.
"One more time." Clarke leads and Lexa follows.
"You know, I've got vanilla ice cream in the freezer if you'd like some," Clarke says, her voice so caring, so soft, so... just for Lexa. And Lexa takes a deep breath on her own, without Clarke's help and the gasping stops. Lexa opens her eyes and all she sees is blue. Bright blue eyes. Watery blue eyes. And Lexa sniffles and smiles tiredly, letting out a long last breath of tension. She then reaches up with her free hand to thumb away Clarke's tears. When did she start crying? Clarke cups Lexa's hand and gives it a squeeze. She then pulls Lexa closer leaning her forehead against Lexa's.
"Thank you, Lex," Clarke whispers.
Lexa doesn't know what for, because she's the one who should thank Clarke for helping her through this panic attack so Lexa shakes her head because, 'no that's not right'.
Clarke nods against her and says, "I mean it," she gives Lexa's hand another squeeze, "Thank you for trusting me on this."
Anya is shocked. She knows first hand how hard it is to get Lexa out of these panic attacks, mostly she ends up dragging Lexa into a shower fully clothed, because water calms her down. Lexa hasn't had one for a long time, she has learned to avoid situations that triggers it. Anya hates herself for not stopping it earlier, she saw the signs but hoped that maybe Lexa could hold it down herself.
Anya is watching the two on the floor in awe. She knew they'd connected but didn't realize how strongly so until this moment and her heart is aching for both of them, hoping they'll continue to explore their connection. It seems they both need it.
"Thank you, Clarke," Anya says.
As if on cue, Lexa collapses against Clarke's body and Clarke pulls her arms around Lexa's shoulders, holding her tight. She sends Anya a sad smile.
"A glass of water and sleep, maybe?" Clarke quietly asks and Anya nods.
"That usually does the trick. I should take her home, but maybe if she can borrow a bed for a couple of hours...? It's inevitably easier."
"Of course," Clarke says, "help me get her off the floor?"
Anya and Clarke makes a great team, one on each side of Lexa, guiding her almost asleep body to Clarke's bedroom.
"My room is farther away from the living room," Clarke explains as they lay down Lexa on the bed, tugging her in.
Clarke leaves to pick up some water, some painkillers and Lexa's notebook if she needs it. Meanwhile Anya sits down next to Lexa, running a hand through her hair.
"I'm sorry, sis. It's my fault. I didn't stop it sooner," Anya defeatedly admits. "Forgive me."
Lexa is somewhere between asleep and not quite awake, but she still manages to find Anya's hand to give it a squeeze, 'it's okay, I'm okay'. Anya still blames herself, though, and Lexa knows. They sit like that for a while until Anya breaks the silence, trying to brighten the mood.
"You know sis, there are easier ways to get into a beautiful woman's bed. Next time, tell me and I'll give you a few tricks," Anya teases, her voice still laced with sadness.
Lexa blushes, then shakes her head and turns her face into the pillow so Anya can't see the sheepish look on her face.
"Listen to your sister, Lexa, she's a smart woman," Clarke says from the doorway. Anya and Clarke is sharing a smirk while Lexa just shakes her head again. If she had the energy she'd push Anya off the bed. The idea alone brings Lexa enough satisfaction to let it go.
"There you go, Lex. Water, painkillers if needed and your notebook." Clarke puts it all down on the bedside table.
Anya gets up to leave the bedroom, but Clarke needs to check on Lexa before she can leave her too.
"I'll be right there, Anya. Give us a minute?"
"Of course."
Clarke sits down next to Lexa and softly runs a hand through her hair. She stops the movement as she reaches her neck and starts massaging it lightly. Lexa immediately lets go of a tension filled breath she didn't know was still stuck inside her.
"I'm sorry you had to experience that, Lex," Clarke says. "Just... you're in my room, and stay here for as long as you need, okay? And text me or Anya if you need anything. The ice cream offer still stands."
Lexa nods cautiously, so so close to falling asleep.
"Okay," Clarke says before leaning in and planting a gentle kiss on Lexa's temple.
Clarke gets up, and closes the door behind her. She takes a moment to close her eyes and to take a few deep breaths before joining the others.
*
Anya finds the others cleaning up in the kitchen.
"Don't let this ruin the fun, she's okay. Please? Lexa wouldn't want to have caused the party to disrupt," Anya says.
Three worried faces looking at her.
"Just... Maybe put on some coffee or tea and a movie? Clarke will join us in a second," Anya tries.
"Okay, babe," Raven says pulling Anya into a hug. "We can do that. You up for it O? Linc?"
The couple nods, sad smiles to their faces. "Dips on the movie pick", Octavia exclaims.
"No!" Lincoln groans. "No musicals. Please."
Octavia smirks but reassures him she'll leave the musical genre alone tonight.
"So... Tell me to butt out, okay? What happened?" Raven asks her girlfriend.
Raven's heart breaks when she sees the pain in Anya's eyes.
"It's the song, Rae. It was Costia's favorite song and she always sang it to her. In fact, she sang her that song as Costia took her last breath. It... erh... " Anya's voice breaks thinking about how much it broke Lexa losing Costia.
"Shit, I'm sorry, baby." Raven comforts her, leaving kisses on her forehead.
Just then Clarke enters the kitchen, having heard all of Anya's explanation. She thinks about losing Finn and how riding in cars still causes her to panic. Doing all in her power to stop the tears from falling, she goes to the fridge for a coke but her hand freezes on the door handle when she sees Lexa's new addition. A rendition of her own Seasons drawing in Lexa's mutant stick man style.
Clarke snorts. Then smiles.
"Your sister is a remarkable woman, Anya," Clarke says, eyes still glued to the drawing.
"I know," Anya smirks. "Do I need to give you the sister talk?"
Clarke chuckles, finally opening the fridge to get the coke.
"You might as well," Raven joins in."I'm gonna give Lexa the best friend talk too," Raven winks at Clarke who rolls her eyes at them.
"So... dinner party turned movie night, Clarke, you in?" Octavia says.
"Sure. Just... No musicals tonight", Clarke sighs exaggeratedly and Lincoln and Raven can't hold back their laughter at this point.
"Oh shut up, guys. Fix the coffee, the tea and bucketloads of popcorn... and I'll go find us a movie", Octavia dictates.
*
A calm quiet fills the room as they all settle into comfy couches and Octavia puts on Monsters Inc. because, "I don't know about you, but I need some cheering up" and no one disagrees.
When the movie is over, Octavia and Lincoln decides to call it a night. Lincoln makes Anya promise to tell Lexa that he had a great time playing chess with her. They hug their goodbyes and leave.
"I should probably go wake up Lex too," Anya says, turning towards Clarke's bedroom, but Clarke stops her.
"You don't have to. Stay with Raven, let Lexa sleep and I can take the couch," Clarke offers.
Anya admits it sounds tempting. Getting Lexa home in this state will not be easy.
"I appreciate the offer, Clarke, but I don't want to make you sleep on the couch because of my mess of a little sister," Anya declines.
"I'm serious, Anya. It's okay, really. I sleep on this couch all the time. Just... keep it down", she smirks, "and we're all good."
Raven blushes, Anya smirks in response.
"I need to grab a change of clothes anyways, so I'll go check on her. Don't worry," Clarke says.
*
Clarke finds Lexa in the same position she left her in. Water, pills and notebook still untouched. She kneels next to the bed and softly rubs Lexa's shoulder until she squeezes her eyes, a sign she's no longer asleep.
"Hey Lex, it's okay, it's me", the words like velvet on Clarke's tongue and like silk on the tip of Lexa's ears.
Lexa opens her eyes and is immediately engulfed in the big blue ocean of Clarke's eyes. Slowly, the evening comes back to her and she frowns.
Clarke lifts her hand to run her fingers through soft chestnut hair.
"Turn that frown upside down", she says and earns a fragile smile in return.
"Linc and O left and I told Anya she should stay with Rae tonight. You stay here and I'll take the couch."
Lexa doesn't want to be a burden, so she pulls herself up into a sitting position, rubbing her eyes. She takes the notebook to write her argument for Clarke.
'This is your bed. I'll take the couch'
Clarke chuckles. "I don't think so, Lex." She gets up to leave the room and with a hand on the door handle she says, "I left some clothes for you on the bed if you need something to sleep in and there's a new toothbrush on the sink for you... and if you need anything don't hesitate to come and get me." She doesn't leave until Lexa agrees with a defeated nod.
*
Lexa doesn't go back to sleep. She tries, but she can't. The borrowed sleeping shorts and the too big t-shirt smells like Clarke. The bed smells like Clarke. This is Clarke's room and its so Clarke. She studies the painting above the bed and wonders if Clarke painted it, she probably did.
Lexa rubs her eyes with the heel of her hands and sighs. She gets up to use the bathroom and to grab some more water. A dim light is still on in the living room and she wonders if Clarke is still awake too or fell asleep before turning it off.
She sneaks a peak into the living room and yes, Clarke is still awake, drawing in her sketchbook.
"Oh, hey. You okay?" Clarke asks, concern written on her face.
Lexa nods. Are you okay, she wants to know. She wants to apologize for her meltdown and she wants to tell Clarke that she appreciates all she's done for her. Lexa frowns and leaves to pick up her notebook from Clarke's room. She comes back to a Clarke that has put down her own sketchbook and about to get up, probably to check on Lexa.
Lexa takes a seat next to her and starts writing. Clarke waits patiently, watching Lexa bite her lip in concentration.
Lexa hands over the finished note anxiously waiting for Clarke to read it.
'I'm sorry you had to witness that, but thank you for helping me through it. Are YOU okay?'
"Don't worry, I understand. It happens to me too sometimes," Clarke finds Lexa's eyes. "I'm just glad that what works on me works on you too. And yes, I'm okay. If you're okay, I'm okay."
Clarke smiles softly at her.
"Can't sleep?"
Lexa shakes her head.
"Me neither. You can stay here if you want. Until you're ready to go back to sleep."
Lexa's eyes fall to her notebook as she scribbles a 'thank you' for Clarke.
"Here, lie down and throw your feet up," Clarke suggests patting her thigh. Lexa thinks that maybe it's a bit too intimate because they still don't know each other that well but her heart aches and being close to Clarke eases the pain, so she gives in and lies down on the couch, her legs in Clarke's lap.
*
Lexa falls asleep to Clarke rubbing circles into her shins and calves.
Lexa looks peaceful and calm.
Clarke smiles at the sight.
*
Clarke falls asleep shortly after, still in a sitting position.
*
Clarke wakes up in the middle of the night because Lexa stirrs underneath her. Underneath her? Clarke must have somehow slided down next to her, her head leaning on Lexa's stomach, an arm across her waist, their legs entangled.
Lexa continues stirring, her head moving sideways in quick jerks and Clarke realizes she's having a nightmare.
"No... No don't... Don't leave me... Please, no... ". The words fall off Lexa's lips like shuddering breaths and desperate whispers.
Clarke's heart stops beating, Lexa is talking in her sleep. She's talking. In her sleep. And she's having a nightmare and Clarke can hear the pain and the sorrow laced in Lexa's voice. Clarke scoots closer to Lexa's face, cupping her cheek, brushing her thumb against her cheek bone.
"Hey, hey. It's okay, you're okay!" Clarke whispers.
Lexa's eyes shoot up staring into the blue ocean and she immediately calms down. Tears forming in her eyes.
"It's okay. You're safe," Clarke says, brushing away the tears that spill. She pulls Lexa into a comforting hug, rubbing circles on her back while Lexa's death grip on her shirt releases little by little until both of them fall asleep again.
That's how Anya and Raven finds them the next morning. They silently share knowing smiles and happy kisses in the bliss of this Saturday morning while cooking breakfast.
"I'm so happy for them," Raven beams, nearly whispering over the rim of her coffee cup.
Anya smiles, "Then I'll let you have the privilege of waking them up."
"No need, the bacon will wake up Clarke," Raven winks.
Anya leans in to brush a kiss against Raven's neck. "Your roommate is a remarkable woman, Rae," she repeats Clarke's words from last night.
"I know," Raven grins.