Chapter III
Anya and Lexa are standing outside Raven's apartment. Lexa is nervous, like, sweaty palms and a dry throat nervous, and she holds a note up for Anya to read. Anya gives Lexa a reassuring look. "Yes, of course I told her you don't speak. I knew you'd prefer that. I don't know if she told the others, though."
They ring the doorbell and Anya, the little shit, rings it repeatedly until the door is being ripped open. Anya smirks, Raven greets her with a scowl.
"You know, sometimes I forget I'm dating a 30 year old." Anya's smirk grows wider. Raven rolls her eyes and plants a lingering kiss on her lips, "Hey babe."
"Hey yourself. Raven Lexa, Lexa Raven," Anya says entering the apartment, kicking off her shoes.
"Ooh, the sister! Nice to finally meet you, Lexa. I see you're the polite one," Raven yells over her shoulder. Anya answers with a loud laughter from inside the apartment. Raven and Lexa shake hands, "Please come in."
Lexa steps inside and hands over a bottle of wine with a note on it. 'For you'.
"Thank you," Raven smiles.
Lexa takes off her coat and shoes and turns to Raven whose smile slowly turns into a thoughtful bite to the lip.
"Have we met before? You look familiar."
Lexa shakes her head softly, she'd have remembered Raven. She's as vibrant as Anya. She'd definitely have remembered her.
"Mh..." Raven tilts her head to the side, eyes squinting a little.
Lexa studies Raven as something definitely clicks in her head. Raven's eyes grow wide with surprise.
"You're the mystery woman. Oh, this is..." and Raven stops her train of thought the second she sees confusion grow in Lexa.
"You know what, never mind, follow me and I'll introduce you."
There's an unfamiliar sound, something metallic, but not quite and Lexa automatically lowers her gaze to the source. She only just noticed Raven's leg brace. Anya never told her about it, so she doesn't know why Raven needs it. Lexa thinks to herself that people come in many different packages, we're all broken one way or another and Raven doesn't seem like the person to be held back by it, which is kind of admirable.
Lexa follows Raven into the living room where Anya has already taken a seat on the couch.
"Lexa this is Octavia and Lincoln. Octavia and I have known each other since kindergarten, actually. Funny thing, I met Anya through Lincoln. I assume you know he works with Anya." Both get up to shake Lexa's hand, Lexa nods politely as a respond to their 'Hi, nice to meet you's.
They're interrupted by Raven turning her head towards the newcomer in the doorway, "Oh, and this is my roommate, Clarke. Clarke this is Anya's sister. Lexa. I believe you two already met," Raven's voice colored disturbingly excited.
Lexa catches a glimpse of a smirking Raven while turning around to look at the newcomer. The second green meets blue, Lexa freezes. Clarke seems just as frozen in the doorway. No one really knows for how long they're standing there, surprised eyes locked across the living room. Anya darts a puzzled look between the two, over and over again. Raven's eyes jumps between the two as well, but she knows, so she just waits for someone, any of them, to pick this up.
Lexa has a piece of paper in her pocket. She didn't want to use it if she could avoid it, but this seems like the right moment, so she pulls it out of her pocket, unfolds it and holds it up for Clarke to read. Her eyes never leaving Clarke's as blue eyes drop to the note and back up again. Clarke exhales slowly and a soft smile spreads on her face. Clarke walks up to Lexa, taking the note out of her hands. She disappears into the apartment somewhere and returns with a pen. She returns the note to Lexa who explores it with a curiousity she hasn't felt for what seems like forever.
One side says
'Nice to meet you. I'm Lexa'
The other side, in Clarke's handwriting, says,
'The pleasure is all mine, I'm Clarke. I enjoyed your story. Thank you'
Lexa folds it neatly and places it back in her pocket. A subtle smile across her face and a thankful nod towards Clarke.
"Wait, how do you know each other?" Anya interrupts.
Lexa looks at Anya and then Anya knows. She spent eight years learning to read her sister's non-verbal communication and she doesn't need any written words to tell her that Clarke is the woman from the park, the woman from the coffee shop, the woman Lexa wrote a story about and most importantly, the woman Lexa gave said story to read.
"Oh... Well... Erh... " is all Anya says, lost in her thoughts.
Lexa scribbles a note for Anya.
'I thought I was the verbally challenged of the two of us'
Anya responds with a push to Lexa's shoulder and an "oh shut up, smart-ass" and a smirk that is very much intended for Raven and full of promises of devious plans. Lexa and Clarke share a look, both equally uncomfortable, equally scared, equally lost in each other's eyes.
"So... mind sharing the meaning of all these secret looks and crypted oh's with us?" Octavia asks, one eyebrow raised.
"Well, you see, Octavia," Anya's smirk is a dangerous shade of devious and Lexa seeks comfort by locking eyes with Clarke, "Clarke is my favorite person right now because she not once, but twice this past week has made my little sis here - who might I add tends to dwell on all things melancholic - smile, like, genuinely smile."
"Also," Raven continues, "it seems Lexa is the reason Clarke has started drawing again. Speaking of which, Clarke, the resemblance is spot on. Rusty, my ass."
Raven and Anya shares a knowing look, smirking. Neither Lexa nor Clarke notices. Lexa thinks maybe Clarke is blushing a little, and then maybe Lexa is blushing a little too.
"You've been drawing again, Clarke?"
Clarke's eyes shift to meet Octavia's. "It's not a big deal, O,... but yeah."
"Good." Octavia says, a bright smile warming up the room.
"Hey, why don't you all take a seat, dinner is almost ready, I'll bring it in. Clarke, help me out?" Clarke mouths a 'thank you' to Raven when she passes her on her way to the kitchen for giving her an out of talking about this clearly too sensitive topic.
Lexa feels Anya's hand on her shoulder a second later. "You okay, Lex?"
Lexa nods.
"Overwhelmed?"
Another nod.
"It's okay, Lex. I'm here, and by the looks of it, she's happy to see you."
Lexa looks at Anya who's smirking, just a little.
"Can I see the note she gave you?"
Lexa grins, shakes her head, because 'no, that's between her and Clarke'.
*
After dinner, Clarke volunteers to do the dishes. Both Raven and Octavia wants to join her, but Clarke insists that they stay and keep the others company. She needs a bit of air, some alone time. Having Lexa in her home is overwhelming. It's exciting and it's frustrating and she doesn't have the energy to deal with it right now.
In the living room, Lexa is watching Raven and Anya interact. A hand on a thigh, an arm around a shoulder. A sarcastic comment and a biting come-back. Raven is without a doubt a good match for her sister. Lexa scans the room and suddenly feels a pang of loneliness. Being in the same room with others and still not being a part of it... It's why Lexa usually keeps to herself. A bit of anxiety slowly rises within her and she scribbles a note for Raven to read.
'Bathroom?'
"It's down the hall to the left."
*
In the kitchen Clarke has finished cleaning up and is now sitting at the kitchen counter with a blank piece of paper and a pencil in front of her, her eyes blankly staring out the window, her mind lost in a void.
A knock on the door frame brings her back to the present and she finds Lexa leaning against the doorway scribbling in her notebook. This one is pocket-sized, convenient for the evening's purpose, Clarke supposes. Lexa holds up the notebook for Clarke whose eyes soften as she reads the written words.
'I can leave if this is awkward for you'
Clarke looks back up into pleading green eyes, and she wants to know what made Lexa lose her voice. She wants to know what broke Lexa to the point where she sits in coffee shops crying over a stranger's drawing. She wants to know why Lexa feels she needs to leave to make her feel better. She wants to know why Lexa wants to make her feel better. But more than anything, Clarke wants to not feel empty for a while, and Lexa does something to her, something she can't define, something she suddenly craves as she's looking into green eyes.
"Come, sit." Clarke pats the counter chair next to her.
Lexa bites her lip, hesitantly, she stays in her spot in the doorway.
"I mean... If you want to. We can just sit here in silence if you want. Just, don't go, okay? Not because of me." Clarke turns her gaze to the kitchen counter, rolling the pencil between her thumb and index finger. Clarke sucks in a sharp unsteady breath. She doesn't want to witness Lexa leaving her alone. The thought of being rejected by Lexa terrifies her and that thought alone terrifies her too.
Clarke's train of thought abruptly ends when a piece of paper slides in front of her onto the table and Lexa takes a seat next to her.
'I want to stay'
Followed by another note.
'Also, I don't need the silence tonight. We can talk if you want'
Clarke huffs softly, relieved that Lexa decided to join her. Clarke mindlessly begins drawing.
"So, it turns out my best friend is dating your sister. Small world, eh?" Clarke opens, timidly. "Maybe we should get to know each other a bit?"
Lexa nods.
"Yeah? Good. So, tell me about yourself, whatever you want to tell me," Clarke challenges with a sideways glance at Lexa. "Take your time, write a novel if you will, no rush," she winks.
Lexa accepts the challenge with a determined double nod and a forceful huff of breath. She writes in her notebook while Clarke continues to draw. Both too concentrated on the task ahead to notice Anya and Raven silently sharing a smile in the doorway before retreating back to the living room.
When Lexa finishes her note, Clarke is still drawing, her tongue sticking out of her mouth in concentration and Lexa can't help but smile by the sight. It's sort of adorable. Clarke looks like she was born with a pencil in her hand and Lexa wonders why she quit drawing in the first place. That's what Octavia said earlier 'You've been drawing again?', what was that about?
Lexa pushes her notebook towards Clarke a few inches to signal she's done and Clarke stops drawing to pick it up. "Oh, you did write a novel," she winks again. "Alright, Lexa, I expect juicy details here..." but Lexa is too occupied studying Clarke's drawing to respond. Clarke has drawn an upscaled snowflake, so detailed it almost hurts. It's magnificent and fragile and just... right.
Clarke clears hear throat dramatically, an amused smile painted on her lips and she begins reading out loud.
"Clarke, these are the things about myself that I would like to share with you. For now. The truth is, I haven't done this in a while, talking about myself... well, talking in general. I'm no longer sure I remember the unwritten rules of smalltalk, but then again, I'm not sure this qualifies as smalltalk. What do you think?"
A gentle laugh escapes Clarke's lips, amused blue eyes search green ones. "I don't know, Lexa. I'm a bit rusty myself on the matter, to be honest. Does my opinion change the meaning of anything I'll read here?"
Lexa looks to the ceiling, pondering, then finds Clarke's eyes again as she shrugs and then shakes her head because 'no, not really'. Those words are meant to be read by Clarke, no matter the context.
So Clarke nods a response. "Alright, where was I... Okay, here. It seems the universe wants us so badly to meet, the park, the coffee shop and now through Anya and Raven. I suppose that means we're no longer strangers to each other, and so, if we are to move from strangers to acquainted to maybe even friends someday there are some things you need to know about me. One, I lost someone special to me eight years ago. Two, I miss her terribly. Three, I haven't spoken a single word since then, I don't know why, no one does. Four, Anya is my sister, my best friend and also my roommate. I'm not sure I'd still be here if it wasn't for her."
Something is tugging at Clarke's heart. Something is stirring in her gut. She's processing Lexa's words, how similar a situation they're both in. Her eyebrows scrunches together in a thoughtful, worried look. She bites her lip, then slowly breathes in two three four, out two three four five six. Again. And again. She wills herself to meet Lexa's eyes but Lexa is deliberately staring at Clarke's snowflake in front of her. Clarke understands, she recognizes the pain in them, so she continues reading. There's an arrow indicating to turn to the next page, which is what Clarke does.
"I sometimes go to a bad place in my mind. You're probably wondering why I'm telling you this, because these are normally things that scare people away, but my gut tells me that you understand this. Mostly though, I get by and life is okay. So not to dwell on the bad things... Five, I work part time at the library, I like the books and the silence. Six, I drink tea, never coffee. Seven, I'm a dog person. Eight, I like ice cream, vanilla is my favorite. Nine, although it terrifies me, I'm glad I let you read my story. Anya is quite jealous about it, actually. Ten, I really did enjoy your drawing from the park. I think you're very talented."
Clarke and Lexa shares a quick look, Lexa cautiously smiling, Clarke blushing a little.
"So this is me. I'm Lexa. Who are you?" Clarke gives Lexa back the notebook. "Thank you, Lexa, for sharing." Clarke picks up her pencil again and turns her attention to her snowflake. Lexa can tell she's contemplating what to say next, so she patiently gives Clarke the time she needs, appreciating the strokes of Clarke's pencil to the paper while waiting.
"I... Well. The two of us are much alike, it turns out. I lost someone special too. Three years ago. And I also miss him terribly. Raven is to me what Anya is to you, except the sister part."
Silence. Patience.
"I think, while you lost your voice, I sort of lost the will to feel anything. I probably work too much, but it keeps my mind occupied and it makes me too tired to stay awake when I'm not working. I'm a nurse, by the way."
"Mh," Clarke bites her lip, she's not done talking.
"Your story broke me. I think, maybe the same way my drawing broke you? I don't think I've cried since Finn died. Three years of walking around like a zombie and then three pages of words from a stranger is what breaks me. I don't understand how that works."
Clarke freezes her movements. If Lexa were to make a guess, she'd say Clarke is suddenly too overwhelmed to continue. A million different emotions flash through Clarke's eyes in a heartbeat and Lexa knows how that feels, how the panic suddenly spreads uncontrollably through your body, she's been there so many times. It's what happened to her in the coffee shop.
Abruptly, as if lightning had struck, Clarke picks up the drawing of the snowflake and crumbles it into a ball in one swift movement. Lexa instantly reaches over putting her hands around Clarke's to make her stop. Clarke's breathing is heavy, Lexa can tell she's trying to control her feelings. Lexa gives Clarke's hand a soft, comforting squeeze before she slowly wrenches the ball of paper out of her grip. Lexa unfolds it, gently smoothing it out on the kitchen counter.
"I can't get it right," Clarke says, barely a whisper, but Lexa hears it loud and clear. The defeat in her voice is so rooted in her, that Lexa's sole purpose in this moment is to do whatever is in her power to fix her. Even if it only works for a moment. It's an instinct buried deep inside Lexa.
Lexa picks up the pencil and writes 'Clarke's beautiful snowflake' and an arrow pointing towards what Lexa could only describe as a masterpiece. Then she draws a pathetic version of a tiny snowflake next to Clarke's and an arrow pointing to it and then the words 'Lexa's disaster of a snowflake (yes, it's a snowflake)'.
Clarke tries not to, she really does, but a laughter breaks free from her lips. It's laced with pain and sadness and... hope, and Lexa clings onto that string of light like it meant life or death. Lexa looks at Clarke only to find watery blue eyes look back at her. If Clarke's eyes could talk they'd say 'I'm embarrassed you had to witness this meltdown' but also 'thank you for bringing me back'.
"It looks like a mutated stick man," Clarke confesses, biting her lip.
Lexa pouts.
Clarke starts laughing, like genuinely laughing, loudly and warm and Lexa thinks it's a wonderful sight and a beautiful sound. Lexa's surprised expression turns into a proud grin. 'Mission Accomplished', she evaluates, that was easier than she thought it would be.
"Can I keep this?" Clarke gestures to the wrinkled paper in front of Lexa. Lexa feints indecision, but when she looks into hopeful blue eyes she breaks a soft smile and nods. 'I'd give you thousands of disaster snowflakes if it makes you laugh like that. Anytime', Lexa thinks.
"Thank you", Clarke responds with a soft smile too.
No one knows what initiated it, but both Clarke and Lexa turn their gaze towards the doorway at the same time finding that four faces are studying them. Each and everyone of them holding an expression of awe, a hint of amusement and most definitely the lines of a smirk.
Octavia breaks the silence first, "We heard an unusual sound from the kitchen. Clarke laughing? No offense, Clarke, but I can't remember the last time I heard your laughter. I needed to see for myself what that was about," she chirps.
"Oh, well... It turns out Lexa can't draw a snowflake even if her life depends on it", Clarke muses. Lexa playfully punches her in the shoulder, another pout on her face and Clarke starts laughing again. Lexa scribbles a note and leaves it on the kitchen counter for everyone to read while she gets up, a proud smirk on her face, and pushes through their audience to find the bathroom.
'By the look on your friends' faces, I'd say my pathetic snowflake just saved yours... or theirs... I'm not sure.
Now excuse me, I must pee'
*
Everyone was gathered around the kitchen counter when Lexa returned. Back in her seat, Clarke slips her a piece of paper which she reads quickly, then folds and slips into her pocket along with Clarke's other note.
It said:
'It's only fair I finish up our introduction round. So here goes: Dogs, chocolate ice cream, tea, coffee, hot chocolate.'
By the end of the night Lexa has made four new friends and Anya is proudly squeezing her shoulder when she slips Raven a note saying 'If you hurt my sister I'll end you'. Raven responds with a smirk and an "I suppose that's fair." Everyone hugs Lexa goodbye and she can't decide if it's a little uncomfortable, a bit too intimate, or if she's grateful to have met these warm people who seems to like Lexa for who she is.
Clarke holds a folded piece of paper up in front of Lexa's eyes. She then reaches down to slide it into Lexa's pocket, the one she knows holds at least two other notes. She then proceeds by pulling Lexa into a hug, Clarke's arms encircling Lexa's shoulders, Lexa's arm's cautiously wrapping around Clarke's waist. Lexa is overwhelmed by the intimacy of the hug and she freezes. Clarke's thumb runs circles into her shoulder to reassure her that it's okay. Before ending the hug, Clarke whispers only loud enough for Lexa to hear. "It was nice meeting you, Lexa. Don't be a stranger. If you need to talk or somebody to share the silence with, text me, anytime." Clarke silently retreats to her bedroom and Anya has to punch Lexa's shoulder to get her attention.
"Come on, sis. Stop flirting with the hot blonde and lets go home," Anya teases, sharing another knowing smirk with Raven. Lexa turns on her heel and pushes Anya so she stumbles into the wall on her way out. Anya barks a laughter and kisses Raven goodbye with a promise of "This is gonna be interesting" and "I'll call you tomorrow."