Chapter IV
"Can't sleep?" Anya yawns.
Lexa shakes her head because 'no, every time I close my eyes I stare into the depths of bright blue ones. I can't get her out of my head'.
"Is that why you're sitting in the living room scowling into the evil darkness?" Anya asks rhetorically.
Lexa nods.
"Okay, let me go grab a glass of water and we can have a midnight sister talk," Anya says, running a hand through her hair.
Lexa closes her eyes as to collect the strength necessary to deal with this and she listens to the subtle noises coming from the kitchen as a cupboard is being opened, a glass is taken down, no, two glasses, then the cupboard is being closed and the faucet is turned on and two glasses are being filled with water. Faucet off again. Anya's naked feet are tapping their way from the kitchen into the hallway, there's that creaky floorboard Lexa always avoids, but Anya doesn't, and lastly Anya steps into the living room. The two glasses of water releases a soft thud against the coffee table and Anya lifts up Lexa's feet so she can slide in under them.
They sit in silence for a little while, Anya chugging down half a glass of water and then thumbs rubbing circles into Lexa's leg. Lexa's mind wanders back to a time when a five-year-old version of herself was afraid of monsters in the closet and Anya, despite being only two years older, braved it up and saved her from them in this exact same way. This time, though, the monster is a different kind and it lives inside herself and that's a lot more scary. Lexa let's out a heavy sigh, a breath full of despair.
"I'm proud of you, Lex. I haven't seen you this carefree since Costia. I don't say it to put any pressure on you in any way. I just... You should know that I'm proud of you for dealing with tonight the way you did," she pads Lexa's knee a few times and Lexa nods, a single tear escaping down her cheek.
"And I'm so happy you finally got to meet Raven. What do you think? You like?"
Lexa nods and offers Anya a soft smile. Lexa doesn't have a notebook nearby and she knows that Anya noticed. That's why Anya is asking her yes/no questions and Lexa is grateful that Anya knows her so well. She's too overwhelmed to make coherent sentences anyways.
"I'm glad."
More silence.
"And Clarke?" Anya says with caution.
Lexa furrows her eyebrows and then nods again.
"Is she the reason you can't sleep?"
Another nod.
"I figured." Then Anya huffs out a breath, clearly amused by her own thoughts and Lexa sends her a curious look.
"That last note she slipped you. Was that her number?"
Another nod. Then a blushing smile.
"She's good for you. And based on what Raven has told me about her, I believe you're good for her too."
Lexa's body tenses but Anya is prepared for that. She knows insinuating anything between her sister and Clarke (well, anyone, really) is a topic that usually leads to Lexa having meltdowns.
"Lex, hey, it's okay. Again, I'm not pressuring you into anything. And whatever does or does not happen between you and Clarke is not my business, it's totally up to you, whatever you're comfortable with. But I know you, okay? I know that right now you're feeling guilty because you let yourself enjoy Clarke's company. And I know you still miss Costia. Just... If you have to be completely honest, what do you think Costia would want you to do? Be alone and miserable for the rest of your life or hanging out with people who makes you smile?" Anya pauses to let the words sink in before she continues. "Clarke is good people. Enjoying her company doesn't mean you can't miss Costia too."
Lexa's breathing is a bit erratic at this point. Anya is spot on, she does feel guilty. She couldn't pinpoint the feeling before, but Anya's words makes so much sense. Lexa finally looks into Anya's eyes, so full of concern, so cautious, like Lexa might crumble into billions of dust particles were she to say another word.
Lexa nods. She understands what Anya is saying to her. She appreciates her support. If it weren't for Anya, her head would've exploded from overload a long time ago.
"Costia will always be there if you need to go talk to her." Lexa squeezes her eyes shut in an attempt of shutting the world out and this is an oftentimes played rhythm between the two sisters. Anya squeezes her hand until Lexa nods again. A wordless conversation of "I'm here"s and "I'm okay"s.
Anya continues, "and this thing with Clarke doesn't have to be anything other than random meetings in the park or the coffee shop... or the occasional dinner party at Raven's place. It doesn't even have to be friendship if you're not comfortable with that. It doesn't have to be anything at all."
Another squeeze, another nod.
"Did she tell you she lost someone too?"
Again, a nod.
"Good, now what I'm saying is, if there's anyone in this world who understands where you're coming from, it's Clarke. If you ask me I'm sure you already know that."
Lexa nods again because Anya is right. Clarke never said or did anything to show that she expects anything from her. Maybe Clarke does understand where she's coming from.
Maybe Lexa could enjoy Clarke's company and still miss Costia. And maybe that's okay.
Lexa's body slowly relaxes with each thought being untangled and when she starts yawning Anya pats her knee again.
"I think my job here is done. You okay?"
Lexa nods one last time and releases the last tension in a long slow sigh. Both sisters know what that means. Anya gulps down the last water and goes back to bed. Lexa drags her body to bed too and for the first time that night she doesn't panic when Clarke's blue eyes are all she sees just before she falls asleep.
*
"Mornin'," Clarke rasps, taking a seat by the kitchen counter. She traces a finger over Lexa's disaster snowflake that's still lying there, smiling to herself.
"It's 11 am, sleepy head," Raven laughs. "You hungry?"
"Yeah, the bacon kinda woke me up, I think."
"I know," Raven grins. She divides scrambled eggs and bacon on two plates and brings them to the counter for her and Clarke.
Clarke picks up a strip of bacon, takes a bite and moans. "Damn you Rae, this is good."
Raven chuckles, "I know," then smirking.
"You're so full of yourself, Rae", Clarke says, a playful wink.
Raven shrugs nonchalantly, "Eh!... But speaking of... something completely different. You okay about yesterday? Lexa being the mystery woman, I mean."
"I think so. I'm not gonna lie, I'm kinda freaking out about it. But this... " she gestures to the snowflake drawing, "... this, just looking at it makes me smile. Like, genuinely and without any worries smile. I can't just ignore that. I want to, it's what I usually do... but it's kinda different now."
Raven nods, keeping silent, hoping Clarke continues on her own.
"It's simple. And easy. And Rae, I haven't slept this good in a long, long time. It scares the shit out of me that someone I barely know affects me this way."
"Is that a bad thing?" Raven wants to know.
"No. Just a scary thing." Clarke shrugs and Raven smiles into her coffee cup so that Clarke doesn't see it.
Clarke is clearly deep in thought and Raven studies her for a while before she decides to interfere.
"To be honest, Clarke, I kinda like what she does to you. I like the way she makes you smile. I mean, I can draw you some disaster snowflakes too," she wiggles her eyebrows suggestively, "but I'm pretty sure it won't be the same. At all."
"... yeah", Clarke sighs. "What am I supposed to do?"
"What do you mean?"
"I gave her my number, told her to text me if she needed someone to talk to. Or share the silence with."
Raven drops her fork, Clarke flinches by the sound when it lands on the plate. "You gave her your number? Wow..." Raven pauses, "... And now you regret it?"
"No. Not at all." Clarke says, and her voice is determined like she's never been more sure of anything in her life. "But I'm scared that I can't follow through. Like, I've promised her something I'm not sure I'm ready to give. She's so fragile and she doesn't need more pain in her life, you know?"
Clarke pokes some egg around on her plate and shakes her head like she disagrees with something. "What if I hurt her because I'm a coward, or because I can't keep a promise," she says. It's not actually a question, it's more like a statement of a forcasted disaster.
"Oh, Clarke..." Raven's heart breaks over Clarke's defeated posture.
"Listen, I get it, Clarke, I really do. But if you want my two cents, as long as you're honest with her you don't need to worry about hurting her. Just... be honest and don't do anything you're uncomfortable doing. She'll understand."
Clarke just nods, deep in thought, "Thank you, Rae. I appreciate you being serious about this."
"Whaaat? Give me some credit here... I'm always serious," Raven winks and Clarke rolls her eyes.
"Seriously though," Raven gives Clarke a pointed look to tell her she's back in serious-mode, "how are you holding up? You've been on quite the roller coaster ride of emotions this past week. Yesterday was..." Raven searches for the right words to finish that sentence.
"... a hell of ride, yeah!" Clarke finishes. "I'm freaking out, Rae. But it's the good kind, I think. I feel lighter, somehow."
"I agree", Raven says, her eyes suddenly moist, overwhelmed by this light version of Clarke in front of her. She's not proud to say it, but it's something she'd given up on ever seeing again.
"Are you crying, Rae?" Clarke teases. "Don't go mushy on me now, you're supposed be the strong one."
"Oh, shut up, asshole!" Raven playfully scolds, as she gets up to pull Clarke into a hug. "Come here, weak one, give me a hug." She squeezes Clarke tightly and they both break out laughing.
"I missed this Clarke," Raven whispers.
"Me too," Clarke weakly agrees.
"I don't want her to disappear again. Am I allowed to say that?"
Clarke chuckles, "I'll do my best not to scare her away."
"I'll kick your ass if you do, Clarke. This is serious Raven speaking and she means business."
"Yes, ma'am, sir!" Clarke mock salutes.
Raven dramatically inhales, "I take it back. I forgot Old Clarke was a sarcastic asshole."
"You're a sarcastic asshole, Rae," Clarke deadpans.
"Eh." Raven shrugs.
A soft chuckle grows in their bellies and climbs up their throats and spill from their lips and it matches the warm morning glow casting through the big kitchen window.
"So, I've got the day off. Wanna do something?" Clarke asks.
"Sure. Like what?" Raven rubs her eyes that still sting from the emotional break out.
"I don't know..." Clarke looks to the ceiling, "Anything... You're the genius. Think of something."
Raven chuckles, "So you need a distraction from waiting by the phone?"
"No." Clarke scoffs.
Raven raises a judgemental eyebrow.
"Maybe," Clarke grins.
"Yeah," Raven smirks. "Okay, there's a new food market behind the bus terminal I've been meaning to check out... let's do that."
"Okay, " Clarke bites her lip.
"She will text you, Clarke."
"I know, Rae."