Fragments

“Huwag tumakbo!” Colet yells after her 5-year-old twins as they jump out of the car and run toward the condominium parking’s elevator. She sighs and walks after them, two backpacks in hand.

Naabutan n’ya ang dalawang nag-uunahan pindutin ang up button ng elevator. She could only wish she had even a sliver of the twins’ energy because it seems like they have an unlimited source of it. It’s already nearing 8 PM, but the two look like they’re nowhere near getting tired.

Pero si Colet? Pagod na pagod na s’ya. Both physically and mentally, pati yata emotionally? It was another eventful weekend with her kids-spending two full days taking them to various places they’ve always asked her to take them: parks, playgrounds, malls, and a lot more. Don’t get her wrong, she’s happiest when she’s with her twins, pero lately talaga, sukdulan pa sa sukdulan ang pagod n’ya.

Juggling work on weekdays and the twins on weekends is really draining lately. But wala s’ya balak baguhin kahit alin dito. She’s adamant that she can manage, she can power through this. She always does.

Gano’n katigas ang ulo n’ya.

When the family of three gets inside the elevator, Colet takes the mere seconds she has to close her eyes and breathe deeply. As she does this, she feels two pairs of small eyes boring holes into her.

“What?” Colet asks, still with her eyes closed, leaning her head on the elevator wall.

“Are you scared that mommy will get angry at you again, mama?” Mallet replies.

“You two are always fighting. We don’t like it,” Nicoloi adds.

She’s taken aback by this. Now, looking at them, she suddenly sees how the twins are no longer mere toddlers-they are kids rapidly growing up without her noticing. Of course, questions like these will start to arise as they begin to understand the life they’re in.

“Uh, no. We’re not fighting lagi. Bati kami ni mommy always, for you guys,” Colet answers back, though even she knows the twins can see right through the white lie.

Nicoloi Yves and Marcolette Nicole. Nicoloi and Mallet. Coco and Letlet.

Colet and Maloi’s twin children.

As if saved by the bell, the elevator door opens, making the kids run toward their unit. Coco and Letlet bang on the door as if in competition. Colet follows them with heavy footsteps.

“Mommy!” the twins scream in joy as their other mother opens the door, smiling at them.

“Coco, Letlet! Hala, namiss ko kayo. How’s your weekend? Did you guys have fun?” Maloi asks her twins as she kneels down to hug and pepper them with kisses.

“We did po, we went to all the places we’ve been asking mama to take us!” Coco replies happily, looking back at Colet, who just nods at the cute boy.

“Mommy, punta kami room namin. We want to play with the toys mama brought us,” Letlet interjects.

“Sige, take your bags from mama. Wait for me sa room ha? Half bath before sleep,” Maloi sweetly replies.

The twins go back to Colet to get their bags; she kneels down to hug and kiss them goodbye.

“I’ll see you two next weekend, ha? We’ll watch movies at home naman, with popcorn!” she tells them as the twins nod excitedly in unison.

“Bye, mama! Thank you for the pasyal! We love you!” Coco and Letlet tell Colet in sync as they run back inside the unit, going straight to their bedroom.

Colet and Maloi are left standing by the door, looking after their children.

And then, silence. Awkward, unavoidable silence.

To break the tension, Colet says, “Sige, mauna na ko. Thank you, Loi. Sunduin ko na lang sila ulit next week.”

“Teka lang, mag-uusap tayo, Colet.”

“Ano nanaman, Loi?”

Already annoyed, Maloi begins, “Hindi kasama sa usapan ‘yong ibang lugar kung saan mo sila dinala, Colet. Alam mo namang ayokong hindi ko alam kung nasaan ang mga anak ko,” Maloi says.

“Mga anak natin…” Colet quietly says.

“’Wag mo iligaw ang usapan.”

“Ayaw na ni Mallet dun sa pangalawang playground na we agreed about, gusto n’ya iba naman since we already went to the first playground. That’s when Coco said gusto n’ya ma-try mag-bumper cars and carousel. Na-excite naman ‘yong kakambal kaya wala akong choice, binigay ko na lang gusto nila. Tinext naman kita about it,” Colet explains, her voice showing she just wants to end the conversation and doesn’t want to argue with Maloi.

“Tinext mo lang ako, without even waiting if I agree, kung payag ba ko na dalin mo sila doon. I replied saying wag na, kasi mawiwili masyado,” Maloi replies, frustration already evident in her voice.

“Hindi ko na ba sila p’wede dalhin kung saan ko gusto? ‘Di na ko p’wede magdesisyon for them? I make sure naman na I teach them na hindi nila makukuha lang basta anything they want. That they have to earn it,” Colet tries to reason out.

“Well, okay. Thank you for doing that. And no, hindi kita pinagbabawalan to take them wherever you want. Ang ayoko lang is I’m always finding myself with no choice, with no say in the matter, kasi nagawa mo na. Ayoko nang ganon, Colet.”

“Lahat naman ng ginagawa ko, ayaw mo.”

“Huh? San galing ‘yon?” Maloi, now getting angry with where the conversation is going.

“Wala. Ayoko na makipag-away. Uuwi na ko, Loi,” Colet abruptly says, backing away from Maloi as she heads toward the elevator. Sakto naman na pagkapress n’ya sa button, bumukas agad. Colet steps inside, presses the down button, and leans against the elevator wall, closing her eyes. Ni hindi n’ya tiningnan pabalik ang dating asawa.

Maloi is left stunned by how Colet just walked away from the argument, giving up. She can only watch as Colet leaves, looking bone-tired.

Sumobra nanaman ba ako?

As she walks back inside, thoughts of Colet cloud her mind. She can’t deny the fact that she still cares for her, being the other mother of their twins. Na-bother bigla si Maloi kasi parang iba ‘yong pagod ni Colet ngayon.

Isa pa, lately, na-realize n’ya na parang hindi na masyadong nakikipagsagutan si Colet kapag nagtatalo sila. Before, lalo na no’ng mga panahon na kakahiwalay pa lang nila, Colet would never back down from their arguments. Away malala talaga. Walang nagpapatalo. Walang sumusuko.

But recently, Colet seems so down. And sad. Just sad.

Maloi shakes the thought away and goes to the twins’ room as she hears them fighting.

Hindi nga sila nag-away ni Colet, ‘yong mga anak naman nila nagbabangayan ngayon.

“No, Coco! Bigay to sa’kin ni mama!” Mallet shouts at her twin brother.

Nicoloi screams back, “Sa’kin n’ya binigay! Akin ‘to, Letlet!”

“Hey, what are you two fighting over? Masisira ‘yan, akin na,” Maloi interjects.

She takes away from the twins what looks like a teddy bear they were both pulling from each other.

Si Ted?

It’s Maloi’s favorite stuffed toy that Colet gifted her for their first monthsary as girlfriends years ago. Bakit ‘to nandito?

“Where did you get this, Coco, Letlet?”

“Mama gave it to us,” Coco replies, while Letlet counters, “No, Coco. Di ba we just saw it in mama’s room? It’s in my bag, mommy. Baka nalagay ni mama.”

“Uh, no. I think I put it in your bag. I thought it was mine,” Coco adds, scratching his head.

“Bakit mo ‘to kinuha, Coco? Tell me the truth, did you just get this or mama gave this to you?” Maloi asks her son with gentle authority, so as not to scare him.

“I told mama I like it. She let me and Letlet sleep with it. I asked her if we can bring it home, she said yes,” her little boy meekly responds.

“Okay, okay. As long as you asked mama for it. Stop fighting over this na, you share. Okay?”

“Okay, mommy,” the twins reply at the same time.

“Enough playing na, go to the CR for a half bath. I’ll be there in a few,” Maloi tells her twins. Both walk out of the room to follow their mother’s order.

Maloi stares at Ted as memories start flooding her mind-good times and bad times she and Colet shared when they were still together. Isinoli n’ya kay Colet si Ted kahit pa favorite n’ya ‘to no’ng naghiwalay sila.

Actually, everything that would remind her of their relationship, pinadala n’ya kay Colet no’ng umalis ‘to sa unit nila. Lahat lahat. Well, of course, except sa kambal. Sila na lang naman ‘yong nag-uugnay sa kanilang dalawa ni Colet as far as Maloi is concerned. Aside from the twins, wala na. Wala na dapat.

Ano gagawin natin ngayon, Ted?

Colet opens the door to her small, minimalist unit as she finally arrives home after dropping the twins off at their other mother’s place.

It would be nice to have people welcome her after a tiring weekend-people like Maloi, Coco, and Letlet. She smiled at the thought.

But her smile is quickly replaced by a frown as only darkness greets her when she enters what she now calls home.

Ang lungkot naman nito. Walang katao-tao. Isang linggo nanaman akong mag-isa.

She misses the twins already. And it looks like she also misses their mother, even though they almost had another argument kanina. Minsan na nga lang sila magkita ni Maloi, kapag sinusundo at hinahatid na lang n’ya ang kambal, nag aaway pa sila. Nasawa na si Colet sa ganito kaya kanina, nagpatalo na lang s’ya at umalis.

Kahit gusto pa sana n’ya magstay para kahit konting oras makita n’ya pa si Maloi.

But it seems her ex-wife despises her now. Colet feels so sad whenever she remembers how much Maloi loved her before. Now, it feels like Maloi’s only wish is to avoid seeing or talking to her. If it weren't for the twins, she knows Maloi would have been long gone from her life.

It hurts. It still does. But Colet knows it’s her fault.

She went straight to her room and stood in front of the cabinet. She opened the one on the farthest right, which contains what gives her meager comfort whenever she feels this way: every reminder of her and Maloi’s relationship. Every little thing is kept in that cabinet. Walang tinapon si Colet sa mga bagay na pinakuha sa kanya ni Maloi nung naghiwalay sila.

From the letters they both wrote to each other, the movie tickets they kept for memories’ sake, the gifts she gave Maloi, all of the photos-even of the twins, as long as Colet was in them-and more... Maloi made sure to push these on her as she left their shared unit.

Colet kept them all. She kept them safe and cared for. Kasi parang ito na lang ang natira sa kanya when they broke up. Even the twins, she only gets to see them every weekend, so she feels like she was drained of anything related to Maloi when they separated.

She stared at what was in front of her, at what was left for her. It didn’t take long for her to break her own heart. She broke down and cried. Alone. All alone.

What hurts the most is she knows very well it was all her fault.