One
“HEY SANS, CAN I CHECK YOU?” Papyrus asks, out of the blue.
You’re both sitting in your room, about to go
to sleep. You draw your attention from the calendar on the wall you had been looking at, and turn to face Papyrus for your response. “uh… sure? i guess?” You try and read his face, “...any reason why?”
“I DON’T KNOW, I GUESS I’M JUST… WONDERING HOW YOU'RE DOING?” He fights nervously with the hem of his pajama shirt, “YOU JUST… NEVER REALLY TELL ME ANYTHING?”
It seems as though he’s wording what he says carefully, as to not offend you. He looks almost hesitant, and you give him a small nod to assure him he’s in the right here. He’s allowed to ask how you’re feeling. That shouldn’t even be something he’s nervous about.
“WELL, YOU DO, BUT I GUESS IT STILL DOESN’T FEEL LIKE YOU TELL ME EVERYTHING.” He quickly adds, “NOT LIKE YOU HAVE TO! BUT…” He trails off, although you have a feeling he doesn’t have anything else to say.
You feel guilty. A feeling that your mind is constantly immersed in, and you know you’ve felt this exact guilt so many times before. Your inability to tell Papyrus anything. The fact that he has to think about what he says as to not upset you. His hesitance in even talking about things he obviously wants to know, because of your selfish desire to not do that exact thing.
Sucking up your guilt though, at least for the moment as you usually do with all other feelings, you respond. “yeah, you can check me.”
Those simple, simple words you mutter contain a great display of meaning, at least for you. It’s… the first time that you can think of that someone asked to check you for the sake of checking you, and you agreed. You’re not injured. You’re not showing off gained HP, although it has grown, but that’s not the purpose. It’s just your brother, asking to check you, and you agreeing because you have nothing to hide.
Sans
1 ATK
1 DEF
1/1 HP
The weakest enemy, yet stronger than ever.
“Sans…” His voice is quiet, “Why didn’t you tell me?”
It’s honestly the complete opposite of what you’re expecting. You expected Papyrus to react like every other time you’ve told him about your HP increasing since it originally fell. But… he just seems hurt.
It’s just strange to see him unhappy about it. Of course, you’re not saying you deserve his happiness about you HP, because you’re the last person who actually should get that reaction. It’s just… so, dare you say, uncharacteristic of him.
It seems as though you’ve messed up in some way again. Yay! Woah, big surprise there! You can’t do anything right!
Papyrus speaks again, as you only offered him silence. “N-Not that i’m not super happy about it!” He says, probably noticing at least some part of your inner struggle, “But…”
“sorry.” It’s the only thing you can say.
“Sans, please, i’m not asking you to be sorry. I really just want to know why you didn’t tell me! You seemed so excited about it before, and now your HoPe has increased so much! Why do you insist on hiding these things for me? I want to know how you’re feeling, it’s no burden on me.” Your smile feels very forced, and no doubt Papyrus notices that as he adds, “I’m so proud of you for getting your HoPe so high! It’s such a great accomplishment! And it being such a great thing, I have no idea why you didn’t tell me.”
You stare at him. “s’not that important.” You say, not even loud enough to be heard.
“What?”
“s’not that important. it’s always been this high before i messed up. it’s still one.” Your next words are coated with a bitter sarcasm directed at yourself, “last time i checked, one wasn’t a very high number.
“NONSENSE!” Papyrus says, returning to his normal tone, probably because he notices you’re thinking negatively. “ONE IS HIGHER THAN HALF OF ONE! YOU JUST-”
“paps, stop.”
“SANS…”
“please, stop.” You beg, “it’s not that high. you know it, i know it. you don’t have to pretend like it is.” You sigh, “i’m sorry for not telling you, just, it’s not that important.”
“OF COURSE IT IS SANS! I MYSELF APOLOGIZE FOR BEING UPSET AT YOU EARLIER.”
“Papyrus. you don’t have to apologize. please don’t.” It makes you feel a thousand times guiltier because he obviously had a right to be upset, while you don’t, “i’m sorry for not telling you. as i said, doesn’t seem that important.” You know, considering that it’s literally still an impossibly low amount of HP, “so, yeah sorry.”
“SANS, I FEEL LIKE I’VE TOLD YOU THIS BEFORE, BUT YOU SAY SORRY A LOT.” Papyrus says with a bit of humor, “I WON’T SAY I UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU FEEL, BECAUSE I DON’T, BUT LET ME ASSURE YOU THAT YOU HAVE JUST TAKEN A GIANT STEP FORWARD! ONE HP! THAT’S-”
You feel bad for interrupting Papyrus yet another time, but he doesn’t seem to understand. “paps. it’s one HP. one HoPe. it’s not a big number. please stop pretending it’s a big deal. cause you and i know it’s not.”
“SANS, PLEASE LISTEN TO ME WHEN I SAY IT IS! IT’S SUCH A GREAT STEP-”
“for me.” You finish for him. “it’s a great step for me. because my HP going back up to one is some sort of ‘big accomplishment’.” You give a humorless chuckle. “it’s not. it really isn’t.”
And as much as you feel bad for arguing with Papyrus, you hope he sees your point. Because even though you might be shattering his blind optimism about you, it’s the cold, hard truth. And he deserves to know that, in fact, one HP isn’t a big deal. It isn’t some giant step forward. It’s literally back to square one, after you’ve finally recovered from taking steps back. You’ve fixed your mistakes, but now your back at where you were before. So really, you’ve done absolutely nothing.
However, when Papyrus starts talking again, with his optimism that’s so unrealistic but yet another thing you love about him, you know he will never see your point. He will never get why you think one HP is low. Actually, no he will get it. He’s not dumb, he’ll understand why you think the way you do. But he’ll never come to believe in it. Which is what you love and hate about this conversation. No matter what, Papyrus always thinks that you’re somehow getting better.
“SANS…”
And in a moment of anger, not at Papyrus, but at yourself, you say, “i’m going to bed.” Before laying down and facing the wall.
It’s a stupid, petty, and a horribly thought out move, almost guaranteed to hurt Papyrus’ feelings. And that thought alone makes you feel ten times worse than you already do.
You hear Papyrus make a noise like he’s about to speak, but eventually decides it’s useless to try and talk to some worthless garbage like yourself. Or at least, you figure, that’s what he’s thinking. Although it’s probably not because your brothers so cool and never has a negative thought about anyone. So instead, you wish it was what he was thinking, in order to justify your horrible actions towards him.
But, ultimately, you know that you’re the one in the wrong. Papyrus was just wondering why you didn’t tell him about something that is important, whether you think so or not. And you completely disregarded him, only now regretting your actions. But now is too late, because you’ve already said what you’ve said, and hurt Papyrus.
Your previous words of ‘i’m going to bed’ echo in your head ironically, as you know you won’t be getting any sleep tonight.