Laugh
Welp. You pace around your room. 1 HP. 1 HP! How do you go about telling Papyrus that you gained all of your HP back?
Again though, you remind yourself, you started with this much. This isn’t really ‘gaining’ anything. It’s literally zero progress. You’ve gained back what you lost. If you had been placing a bet, you had won back what you put in, giving you no actual victory.
You’re conflicted. It’s, of course, a good thing, yes? More HP represents more hope, and that’s good, right? You should be happy, right? Then why do you feel… nothing. Like it’s not a big deal. Like it’s not even worth sharing because, oh boy, look at you! You got back to your original HP, which itself is only one. One. If Papyrus gained one HP today, it wouldn’t even be worth mentioning because how insignificant it is. At that one insignificant number basically represents your whole self. That’s… sad.
On the other side though, you do feel a bit better. A barely noticeable thing, which you only noticed because you were looking for it. Like, instead of getting three hours of sleep last night, you got six. And instead of sitting in your bed for an hour or two before getting up, you decided to get right out of bed, now currently standing in the middle of your room.
And… you stand there, thinking. If someone came into the room right now they’d be wondering why you’re spaced out and staring at the wall because, wow, that’s weird. But then again, the probably wouldn’t be surprised because of all the weird stuff you do. Like breaking down in front of everyone, and talking about the RESETS, and trying to kill yourself while everyone was there-
Okay. Stop. Take a breath. Today should be good! Again though, you’re left questioning why you feel the way you do. It’s literally impossible for you to feel worse than you had just days before, there’s literal proof! Your HP has increased, your HoPe increased! That’s literally all the proof you need and you just. Don’t. Get. Why. Why do you feel like everything is worse than it has been?
It’s been a week. A solid week and three days since your HP went back to it’s astounding one. And almost everyday you try to convince yourself to tell Papyrus, but you can’t find it in yourself because it’s clearly not that important, I mean, just look at yourself right now! Standing in the middle of your room, zoning out, wondering how in the world your HP every went back up. Because for god's sake, it sure doesn’t feel like it! It doesn’t feel like anything’s gotten better for you over the past week! Only worse!
...
You’ve given up on your HP increasing. The only difference that ever shows in the numbers is the almost constant decrease. Your not sure how low it can go before you actually die. Wouldn’t that be embarrassing? The first monster to die because his HP went too low, and his own body couldn’t even handle him anymore. To be the first one to fall down from something other than an injury. You’re not even sure if when you reach that point it’ll be considered ‘falling down’. Maybe they’ll have to come up with a new word for ‘dying because of a literal lack of hope’. Probably not though, because no one other than yourself is pathetic enough to die from that.
It’s been a while though, since you last checked your HP. It was at…four? Three and a half? Maybe. That sounds about right. It went straight down to five since that incident, and ever since the RESETS started…
Well. Let’s just say that number hasn’t been going up.
You don’t even know why you're bothering to check. You’ll just be more upset once you see an even smaller number. What’s it going to be this time, huh? Three? Two? Your bets on a compromise between the two, two and a half. Not like it really matters though, nothing does.
You check yourself.
HP: 1/1
Oh.
You laugh. You’re glad Papyrus isn’t home right now, because he’s probably come barging into your room to ask why you laughed so loudly, so suddenly. You laugh, and keep laughing. It's SO funny, you can't stop. Tears run down your face.
Well, you knew the RESETS took a toll, huh? You just never expected it to be this much. You keep laughing to yourself. Wow. One HP. You’ve set a world record! Ding ding ding! The points go to Sans for being the most pathetic, disgusting, disappointing monster alive! You double over, laughing to hard to keep yourself upright.
What? You didn’t do that?
It’s not funny.
You manage to catch a glimpse of yourself in the small, cracked mirror in your room. You say something like “You look horrible. Why are you even alive?”
What? You didn’t say that?
It’s true.
Why ARE you even alive?
…
It’s a fickle thing, your opinion of that memory. Looking back, and remembering it, how you haven’t really changed much since back then. But, you suppose, you’ve also changed a lot.
That, of course, was in the ‘beginning’ of the RESETS, beginning meaning just over a hundred. Things have changed since then. In bad ways mostly; you’ve had to endure many more RESETS, each brining with it a new sadistic torture. Now, on the surface, you have that as a constant threat, looming, seemingly ready to strike at any moment. But as it’s been so long since the loop has started once more, you’ve also had more time to think about the wrongdoings in your past. With him. With Gaster. How you caused his demise. His painful, eternal demise that’s a never ending hell.
But, as Papyrus would try to do, you figure, you could look in the positive side. You’ve changed in good ways too, sort of. You’ve… You struggle for a moment to think of something good. You’ve gotten better at expressing yourself? There! Papyrus would be proud at your self compliment, you’re pretty sure.
So eventually, as you stand there in the middle of the room, looking like a total weirdo, which you suppose you are, you make a decision. You’re not going to tell Papyrus about your HP. Yet. It’s not that your trying to withhold information from him, that’s really not your intention. You just… want to feel happy for yourself too. Because you know Papyrus will be happy for you, and… and you just want to be able to relish in your success. Maybe that’s selfish…? But you suppose you’ll know when the time comes.
Just have to find out when that time is.