Okay
It's frustrating. You're frustrating. Your HP is most definitely frustrating. And you hate it.
.6 HoPe.
Probably the lowest HoPe out of every monster that ever existed. You could probably get an award if it weren't such a pathetic thing. You should be ashamed of it, and you are.
But the catch is, you're also not. You're partially not ashamed of your measly .6 HP, even proud of it. Because, hey, it's better than .5 HP, right?
You hate yourself for getting it that low in the first place. You hate yourself for not being able to get it back up, even to one. You hate yourself for worrying Papyrus and everyone else with your stupid problems. And you hate yourself for hating yourself, because that's what's got you into these problems in the first place. You just never win, do you?
And everything's so confusing, and you hate that as well. Hate not being able to understand why everyone thinks Gaster was a bad father. He wasn't good, but he wasn't bad. You deserved it. But you didn't? You don't know.
And the RESETS, oh the RESETS. You're still waiting for the day where you find out this whole time on the surface has just been a cruel joke, and you're trapped underground again, trapped in the infinite cycle of dying and living all over again, and you just want it to end, please end-
But no. You're here. You're on the surface right now. You promised to try and stop thinking like that. And it's hard… But you should try.
You get up from your bed. It afternoon actually, even though you've been in bed the whole day. Because you're just that-
No.
You should just… Go find someone to talk to. Probably Papyrus. Yeah that's what you'll do. You need a distraction right now.
You head downstairs, where you see Frisk and Papyrus sitting on the couch together, watching tv.
“uh, hey.” You say, only loud enough to make yourself heard over the sound of the cartoons that they're watching.
“OH HELLO SANS!” Papyrus says, pausing the tv. “GLAD TO SEE YOU'RE UP.”
Frisk notices you as well and signs, ‘Hello!’
“whatcha watching?”
‘It’s a cartoon that’s about’, They pause, thinking on how to explain it, ‘A kid with superpowers. And he’s usually really happy and stuff, but his mom died before, and he doesn’t know what to think of her. Was she a good person? And after this episode they leave you on a cliffhanger for a month and I can’t wait that long.”
Well, at least you know they won’t RESET for at least a month.
That’s not funny.
“woah kid, you’re almost as involved in these shows as Alphys is with anime. and that’s saying something.” You give a small chuckle, and they laugh with you.
“WELL, SANS, IF YOU WOULD CARE TO JOIN US, I WOULD LIKE TO GET BACK TO THE EPISODE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.”
“aw, Papyrus, are you obsessed too?” You tease. “it’s just a kid’s show.”
“NO IT IS NOT! IT DISPLAYS A POWERFUL MESSAGE OF FRIENDSHIP AND GETTING OVER DIFFICULT SITUATIONS BOTH PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY!”
“ok, geese. i guess i’ll watch with you.” You reply, taken aback by Papyrus’ overly enthusiastic response.
Frisk moves over, allowing you to sandwich yourself between the two of them on the couch.
“SIGH! I GUESS WE’LL HAVE TO START WITH THE BEGINNING OF THE SERIES, SEEING AS YOU HAVEN’T WATCHED IT YET.” Papyrus says, clicking the remote buttons until he gets to the first episode.
Ok. You must admit it. The show is good. It’s random, yet entertaining, but also has a deep plot behind it. And watching it with both Frisk and Papyrus is nice. Alot nicer than what you would probably be doing had you been by yourself right now. It almost makes you feel like a normal person, hanging out, watching tv. Almost makes you forget about your .6 HP. Almost makes you feel good, happy, truly happy. Almost being the key word.
But, it’s okay, you guess. It’s hard for people like you to just be happy, and it sucks, but you’ve accepted that. That you’re never going to be truly happy for more than a few moments at a time. But that’s your reality. You think. You don’t know anymore, honestly. You’re just so confused, you think, as you’ve been thinking time and time again.
You spend the rest of the day watching this show, not enough of it to be completely caught up, but close enough that you probably could be soon. Frisk stays and watches it with you the whole time, while Papyrus leaves to help make dinner with Toriel. Somehow, probably because Frisk is a very determined child, they manage to convince Toriel to let both of you eat on the couch and watch tv. So you eat dinner, mac and cheese, immersed in the show so much that the time passes quickly and it’s not long before it’s time to go to bed.
You’re tired. Not as tired as you’ve been before, but tired nonetheless. And you want to sleep. So you flop down on your bed with only a brief ‘good night’ to Papyrus before you close your eyes.
Darkness. But suddenly, not. It’s cold, a cold that seeps into your body and fills your bones with dread. You open your eyes to grey, grey all around you, grey, grey, grey.
But what catches your eye among all this grey is the red. The bright red that’s almost a speck, almost invisible it’s so small, but so noticeable amongst the monotonous grey. And as much as it catches your eye, it makes you all the more on edge, all the more anxious.
And your eyes are only torn away from the red when a shadow looms over you. A silhouette of a tall, tall man with a wicked smile. And you recognize the figure and the smile that comes along with it. And you start shaking because no! He can't do this! Please don't do this! Please! Please!
But you don't vocalize your thoughts, as you know they are of no use. He always does what he wants. And it's always the opposite of what you want.
The red. He walks over to the red, still vibrant as ever and still growing, and he takes it, filling it in a large syringe. And you cower at the bottom of this figure, overwhelmed by his presence and this whole situation, and you just don't want to be here, anything but this, anything, even death, you don't care anymore, just please not this!
And it's no use. Like always. You're alive and he stabs the red, the Determination, inside of you, and you feel every bit of it coursing through you. Every bit of it making your body feeling like it's on fire, melting from the inside out. And the worst part is, you know it won't kill you, even if you want it to. And you'll have to do this over and over and over again. It never ends. The end is never the end is never the end is never the-
And laughing. You hear laughing coming from the sadistic man beside you. The man you dare called father. He laughs and laughs, a horrible sound, taunting you as you sit there, writhing in pain.
Is this your fault? Did you do something to cause this? No, no, you couldn't have, this is too far, your mind tries to reason. But reason never wins out in your mind. Always blame, who's at blame. And usually the only conclusion you can come to is yourself.
But of course, all these thoughts come later. Later, when you're recovering from excruciating pain you're in right now. But now, that's all you can focus on. The fact that this pain is worse than the simple word pain can describe. And you want it to end, end. Someone help! Please! You want to die! You want this pain to end just please, please-
Your eyes shoot open.
You take a deep breath, trying to calm yourself. It's just a dream, you're okay. Of course it's just a dream. But you also know it's a memory.
You think by the amount of nightmares you've had, you'd have seen all the possibilities. Every possible easy you've messed up, everything you've been through. But no! Your mind always manages to surprise you!
It's great! You're great! Everything is fine. Nightmares are just one of the constants of your life, something you'll have to live with. That's fine. That's okay. You never needed to be well rested anyways! Never needed to be able to get an uninterrupted full night’s sleep! It's all good.
Just as good as your fantastic .6 HoPe as well. Guess that's something you'll just have to live with. Ever since the moment your HP hit one, you knew the only direction it could go was down. And hey, guess you were right in that aspect. You doubt, no, you know, that your HP will never get past one. Ever. Probably won't even get past what it's at now.
You'll just have to live with it though. That's what you've always done, right? Put on a fake smile, get on with the day, try not to kill yourself in the process.
And maybe your life wasn't always like that. Maybe there was a time where you were actually happy, actually ready to face the day and learn and explore. But now… Now it's different. But that's okay! It's all okay! You've dealt before, why can't you now?
But… That's the problem. You can't deal with it. You used to be able to, but you just can't anymore. Can't keep a believable smile up all day, can't keep pretending that you're just lazy, not tired.
And that's okay too, you think, or at least that's what Papyrus says. It's okay to not be okay. But you're okay, aren't you?
No. No you're not. But that's okay? Yeah, that's okay. Okay?
You lay back down and close your eyes.