Showers
You debate with yourself whether to let anyone know about your HP. Sure, it might seem obvious to tell them, who wouldn’t, but you’re not so sure. One the other hand, if you lose it…
Well you'll decide later, your friends still did this thing for you (which you don't get why they did, but they did). So you should probably enjoy it. And for once it doesn't seem like you'll have to fake it. You’re already in a good mood.
“WE BROUGHT YOUR TELESCOPE AS WELL!” Papyrus says, pointing over to a small clearing in between the blankets on the ground where your telescope was placed.
“thanks.” You say softly back at him, not upset, but just embarrassed a bit that they went through all of this for you.
The night is a whole bunch of fun and you almost forget why they did this for you in the first place. Almost. But almost is good enough for now anyways.
You spend some time looking through the telescope, looking at the moon and stars, and even jupiter. It's so amazing looking at all this stuff so clearly that you wonder how you've never even tried it before.
When you're done with the telescope and everyone else is off in their own little conversations, Frisk comes over to you and sits on the blanket next to you.
“thanks, kid.”
‘No problem.’ They sign, ‘Do you like it?’
You sigh, not sadly, but contented, “yeah, it really… it really helped.”
And you don't know why, but then and there you decide to show them your HP. Not for any particular reason that you know off, but it just feels right somehow. ‘if i, uh, show you this. will you promise not to tell anyone?’
They look at you confused at first, but sign back ‘Yes’ with a determined look in their eyes.
‘i...uh… here, i'll just show you…” You bring up your stats for them to see.
Sans
1 ATK
1 DEF
.6/.6 HP
Unsure of how to feel
Frisk gasps excitedly, looking back at you with wide eyes.
“but ya can't tell anyone.”
‘Why not?’ They ask
“cause… like…” You search for an explanation, “ya know… if i-i lose it again…” You trail off, looking anywhere but Frisk’s face.
They take your hands, drawing your attention back to them. ‘That’s not going to happen. I believe in you. We all do.’
Still holding your hand in their grasp, they stand up, leading you over to where Papyrus is standing. “kid…” Your voice pleads, but they aren’t listening.
They tap Papyrus on the arm, distracting him from his conversation with Toriel. “WHAT IS IT, TINY HUMAN?”
Frisk gently pushes you in front of them. “um…”
Seeing your not going to say anything by yourself, they sign to Papyrus. ‘Check him.’
You can see Papyrus’ face fall for a second before he covers it up with a somewhat forced smile. He probably thinks you lost more HP or something. It’s not like that’s the most unlikely thing in the world.
He doesn’t seem too upset yet though, seeing as Frisk’s face holds excitement, not sadness.
Sans
1 ATK
1 DEF
.6/.6 HP
Unsure of how to feel
“OH MY GOODNESS SANS, THAT’S GREAT! WHY WERE YOU SO NERVOUS ABOUT TELLING ME?”
Toriel turns to your small group at Papyrus’ outburst. “What happened?”
“SANS’ TOTAL HP WENT UP TO .6!”
“Oh my, that’s great news!” Toriel says, also caught up in the excitement now.
It’s kind of sad, you think, that they’re this excited over something as trivial as a .1 HP gain, especially if your total is the amazingly low .6 HP. It’s kind of sad that they have the right to get excited over this, because you’re just that hopeless. It’s kind of sad that you’re so sad, actually feeling better because of this new discovery.
“yeah, i guess.”
“YOU GUESS?” Papyrus says, almost not believing the words you said, “COME ON SANS, THIS IS GREAT! WE SHOULD HAVE A PARTY.”
Your eye lights train on him in a silent plea, and fortunately he gets the hint. “WELL MAYBE NOT A PARTY… BUT! WE SHOULD STILL DO SOMETHING! I JUST HAVEN’T DECIDED WHAT YET!”
Frisk starts signing to Papyrus possible ideas, and soon Toriel gets in the conversation. You sort of zone out for a bit, and the rest of the night goes by in a blur. You eventually drive home, same people in the same cars as on the way there. It’s only when you retire to your bed that you’re finally able to relax for a bit.
Papyrus is asleep as soon as he hits the sheets next to you, surprisingly. You assume this was also a long night for him as well. Looking at the clock, 12:53, you’re amazed that Toriel even let Frisk stay up that late. Well, you guess it was a “special occasion”.
You also don’t know whether to feel relieved or ashamed at Frisk sharing your total HP increase. Sure, it would have came out eventually, and maybe Papyrus would be a bit peeved you didn’t tell him sooner, but…
It just seems so wrong. You can’t get better. You shouldn’t get better. You don’t deserve to get better. So why did you?
And the more important question is: How will everyone react when lose this again? Because, let’s be honest, you’re unfixable. You’re broken. It’s only a matter of time until you just lose HoPe again.
Speaking of a matter of time, you can't believe tha kid hasn't RESET yet. It's going to happen eventually you know, either when they die or get bored, but for right now it seems as though they're keeping their promise. And you're almost starting to believe them.
But, there's the thing. If you put your trust in them, believe in their promise to not RESET, when it does RESET eventually, your feelings will be so much worse. You can't feel betrayed if you didn't give your trust to someone in the first place.
You give a small sigh as you readjust your position on the bed. Do you even want to get better? Not be as broken as you are now, able to be trusted alone? Do you want that? Because it really doesn't seem like you do.
And you can't say it's not for lack of trying, because it is. You're not really trying to get better. You don't deserve to.
But that's a lame excuse too, even if it's a valid one. You should think of your friends. How excited they were when your HP increased by even the minuscule amount it did. They want to see you better. They want you to be okay. And the only person not giving them that is you.
You're really garbage. Just straight up trash. You don't deserve your friends kind words and forgiveness, yet they give them to you. Even after the atrocities you've committed. And yet you can't even bring yourself to try.
Pathetic.
You close your eyes in an attempt at sleep. About two weeks ago, your nightmares were getting better. Less violent, less frequent. Hell, there was even a day or two where you didn't have any at all. You forgot how good it could feel to get a night’s rest.
But after your mistake, your incident, they came back tenfold. You didn't think they could get any worse, but they did. Sure, it was a gradual increase over the last week, but it was noticeable, especially after being without them for a while.
So you're not really expecting a good night’s sleep tonight. After all of today's activities and your recent severe lack of sleep, there's really no choice whether you pass out tonight or not. What's up to chance is the nightmares, you think, as your mind drifts into darkness.
You're waken up by a sharp smack across the face. “Sans! What the hell are you doing sleeping? You're supposed to be working! I can't believe so even let you work here.” He says, scowling at you.
“i-i'm sorry da- Dr. Gaster. i didn't really sleep well last night.”
“Well whose fault is that?”
“...mine…”
“That's right. It's always your fucking fault and I hope you never forget it.”
It's always your fault.
You're running. You're running and you can't stop, despite being on the verge of passing out.
“S-SANS? WHERE ARE WE GOING? WHAT ABOUT D-DAD?” A small skeleton asks, running behind you and trying to keep up by holding your hand.
“i'm sorry…” you say, not to anyone in particular, but just to have out there. “i'm sorry this is my fault i'm sorry i'm sorry!” You scream to the wind, only a young Papyrus hearing your words.
The only picture in your mind now is his body, disintegrating slowly, piece by piece, and you feel like you're going to be sick just thinking about. However you push on for your brother behind you, trying to ignore the thoughts that he's probably still there, slowly being torn apart, dying and in excruciating pain and-
Your house in snowdin. There's a note on the door from Papyrus, freshly taped there. You've seen it so many times you have it known by heart. You don't need to read what it says.
You walk to that clearing, that clearing where he always makes his stand. And you know what's going to be there. A scarf. A dusty scarf and the broken pieces of armor that he wore all the time. He never took it off. Heh, heh. It's funny. It's so funny you start chuckling to yourself, standing out there in the freezing cold, fresh snow falling from god knows where. That's just makes the situation so much more hilarious because god knows how long you've been trapped in this loop. Long ago having given up at escaping it. It's so funny, you fall to your knees laughing like a madman covered in snow. It's just so funny that you're thatmuch of a fuck up. Couldn't even save your brother once.
It's just so funny.
Golden light shines against your bones. How many times have you been here? How many times have you killed?
How many times have you died?
You've lost track. It doesn't even matter anymore.
Say your lines, dodge, repeat. You don't get why the kid keeps doing this. Doesn't really matter though. Nothing does. You're going to die again and again and again.
The sadistic human, if you can even call them that, glares at you from across the hall with their piercing red eyes.
“How many times have we done this Sans?” They speak, not sign, you remind yourself, recently having caught onto this demons deal. “How many times have I played-” And you hate it how they say played, like it's just a game, that all your life and everyone else's is just a game to them, a sick, sick, game- “this route? And I know you remember. So why not save everyone? Anyone? Are you just that worthless? That you only face me now, with a power so great it could have saved everyone? You only face me now when you know it's too late?”
And you just. Don't respond. Don't do anything. You just gladly accept it, when they drive the knife into your chest, and you feel pain blossom through your middle until everything goes
black.
And then you wake up. Not to the cream ceiling in Snowdin, but the blue one of the surface. And you don't scream or shout like you usually do when you’re awaken from your nightmares, but you just sit there, shaking. Shaking and breathing heavily and covered in sweat. Because everything said in the nightmare was true.
It's always your fault.
You didn't save him.
You didn't save Papyrus.
You didn't save anyone, because you're just that weak and pathetic that you can't even bother to try.
Why are you even here? On the surface? Surrounded by a good family that you definitely don't deserve?
You couldn't even save your family and friends because you didn't even try. You failed them. It's all your fault, it's all your fault, dammit, it's all your-
“SANS? ARE YOU OKAY?”