Break
Breakfast is great. Well looks great. And smells great as well. When you receive your plate however, you eat quietly and slowly, enough to boost your HP back to the maximum, but not eating everything.
Everyone's rather quiet at breakfast, a feeling of melancholy hangs over you all, as well as the pounding of rain coming from the slightly open window. It seems it's just one of those days today, and everyone will be staying inside.
Breakfast is short lived; you participate in the little conversation that is had, but it's soon done as Papyrus and Undyne collect the plates.
Papyrus takes yours, smile lessening a bit at the amount left, but doesn't comment, which you're glad. You're okay right now, but you feel as though one comment would break your composure, sending you into a sea of guilt.
“Alphys!” Undyne starts as soon as the dishes are put away, “Wanna go and pick out an anime we can watch? It's not like we're doing anything else today.”
“Ah, that sounds like a great idea, we can watch some of this a-ni-me.”
You chuckle a small bit at Asgore’s obvious lack of understanding of what anime is.
“O-okay Undyne.” Alphys says, and is promptly carried out of the room by Undyne.
“I’M GOING TO DO THE DISHES IF THAT IS ALRIGHT? I DO NOT NECESSARILY… LIKE THIS ANIME THING.”
“You mind if I help?” Toriel asks.
“OF COURSE NOT LADY TORIEL! I ALWAYS APPRECIATE A HELPING HAND!”
“Frisk, you wanna go watch some anime?” You ask, “i'll make sure they picked out a good one.”
Frisk nods vigorously, and hurries into the living room with you in tow.
Asgore heads up to his room saying he'll come back down when they choose the anime, which might be a while judging from the shouts coming from Alphys and Undyne’s room.
Frisk sits next to you on the couch, and you watch them, seemingly off in their own world. You lay back on the couch, trying to clear your mind, think of nothing.
It's only when you see Frisk starring in a blank corner of the room that you turn your attention back to them.
“uh… Frisk? you okay there?”
You really hope they aren't doing what you think they are.
They turn their attention to you, first looking guilty, than sheepishly starting to sign. ‘Well you know Chara’s good now…’
They were doing that.
They say Chara’s okay, but can you truly believe them? You can't, but you still shake your head yes.
‘Well they told me… that they…’ They look you in the eye, ‘Saw you. Last night. I think?’
“what?”
‘They saw you looking through my bag.’ They sign quickly. ‘I'm not mad at you. I just want to know why?’
“uh…”
‘I looked and I saw the knife was missing. I'm sorry. I know you can't trust me, but I won't ever do that again. I understand why you took the knife away.’
The look on their face is overwhelming guilty, and you hate to see that look on them. Even if they deserve it. You like the kid.
You sigh, “it's uh… not that.”
They don't deserve to feel even guiltier because of you. They probably already are plenty upset about it you're sure. You don't need to add to that.
‘Then… what?’ They sign, looking confused now.
“i just… um…” You rub at your arm, a nervous tick you now realize you have.
Frisk notices this however, and takes action. ‘Sans…’ They sign, before reaching out to grab your wrist.
But you pull away, not wanting them to see. They look at you, face now set with sadness and understanding of what you have done. The might be young, but they certainly know about things no child should. Like this.
(And how it feels to murder everyone you love.)
You stare at them for a brief moment, trying hard to keep your face devoid of all emotion. Keeping all your true feelings behind a mask. But you can feel yourself slipping, and you suddenly turn away from them and walk quickly to your room.
You even hear them call out for you, voice soft and gentle, but you pay them no mind.
Your new mask, not as strong as the original, is breaking quickly. Guilt and embarrassment cloud your mind as you lock the door and sit on your bed.
God, why do you mess up everything? You can't even kill yourself right. You make and then break promises. You mess up everything.
You'd say you deserve death, but that's too good for you. You deserve to suffer like he did, because of your incompetence.
There is a knock at the door. You ignore it.
You curl in on yourself, and sit in the corner of your bed, head tucked in your lap. You don't deserve to be alive. But your friends don't deserve the shock of finding you dead.
You don't know what to do.
The knocking gets louder, and there's a quiet voice shouting your name.
“Sans!”
“go away kid.” You manage to choke out, trying to keep yourself from sounding on the edge of tears, but failing.
“I'm getting Papyrus.”
“wait…” You say softly. You doubt they could hear you, but you don't hear their footsteps walking away.
You get up slowly, and unlock the door with a click, then go back to your spot huddled in the corner of the bed. Frisk comes in slowly, looking at you before climbing up on your bed to sit next to you.
“Sans…” They say again as your head is down, and you would be unable to see them signing.
They reach out and grab your wrist, and you don't move, because what can you do? You can't. You can't do anything.
As they gently roll up your sleeve and quietly gasp at the sight, you bury your head closer into your lap. How pathetic are you, that a kid, a kid is handling your issues! What is wrong with you?
“Sans look up please.”
You comply by ever so slightly turning your head up, only uncovering your eyes. Frisk switches back to signing. ‘I'm sorry.’
Your words are muffled as you speak, “stop. this isn't your fault. it's mine.”
It's yours. It's your fault. It's always your fault. Everything goes wrong because of you. You do nothing right.
‘No it's not. You-’
You speak before they can finish signing. “it is. you shouldn't have to deal with this.”
You feign a yawn before Frisk can even start again. “look kid. i'm getting tired. can we talk about this later?”
They look at you a moment before signing, ‘Okay...’ obviously displeased with your response, but not wanting to push you. ‘I'm going to get Papyrus.’
They walk out of the room slowly as you get up and lock the door behind them. You can't let Papyrus in. Frisk is probably telling him what you did. You can't ever look at him again. You won't let him look at his disappointment of a brother.
You go back and lay on your bed, wishing nothing more than being able to sleep forever. But even sleep isn't freedom for you because it’s haunted with nightmares. Not like you don't deserve them though.
“SANS? ARE YOU IN HERE? FRISK SAID WE SHOULD PROBABLY TALK.” Papyrus says as you hear the clanging of the doorknob as he tries to open the door.
“yeah i'm here. i was just gonna sleep. m’tired.”
“CAN YOU OPEN THE DOOR AT LEAST?”
You don't respond, only hurrying your face deeper into your pillow.
“SANS? PLEASE? SOMEONE’S SUPPOSED TO WATCH YOU.”
You don't respond again. You don't deserve anyone's time. You don't need to make their lives worse by having them watch you. Especially Papyrus. He's done nothing wrong to deserve you.
“SANS PLEASE. YOU’RE SCARING ME NOW.”
God, he does sound scared. You can't do anything right. Talk to Papyrus: mess up. Ignore Papyrus: mess up. Wow, you really are a failure no matter what.
There's nothing to lose, you think, as you drag yourself out of the bed and unlock the door. Papyrus probably can't be even more disappointed in you.
As though the guilt you already were feeling wasn't enough, when you open the door Papyrus’ seems on the verge of tears. He scoops you into a hug quickly, and you feel guilt and embarrassment. He was so worried. And just because you can't be trusted to be alone in a room for five minutes.
“SORRY, I MIGHT HAVE… OVERREACTED THERE. I JUST DIDN'T WANT YOU TO DO SOMETHING STUPID AGAIN. I LOVE YOU SANS.”
He shouldn't.
“sorry Paps.” You say softly as he puts you down. “god, i'm sorry. i'm an idiot.”
You go and sit on your bed, and Papyrus sits next to you.
“AS I WAS SAYING… FRISK SAYS I SHOULD TALK WITH YOU? DO YOU KNOW WHY?” Besides the obvious reason that you're messed up.
“i dunno” You say sheepishly, rubbing at your arm.
Papyrus sees this, and when you realize you stop, but too late. You have to stop doing that.
“SANS, CAN I SEE YOUR ARM?” You don't reject, so he grabs it gently. You look at his face as he surveys your arm, and are deeply disturbed by his lack of reaction. He's getting used to you doing this. He shouldn't be. That's not right. You're not right.
“I GUESS… WE CAN WRAP THIS UP LATER. DO YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT WHY?”
You shake your head. “WELL…” He switches to a lower voice, “You know how you mentioned our… father? You said he was the old Royal Scientist right?”
You shudder slightly at the change in topic. You don't want to have to think about him. How you didn't save him.
“Well, when I was doing the dishes, I asked Miss Toriel about the Royal Scientist before Alphys. And she said she couldn't remember as well.” You really hoped he wouldn't put the pieces together. But of course he did.
“Sans, what happened.”
Maybe it's Papyrus’ pleasing voice, with an overlying tone of sadness, or maybe it's just the fact you've reached your limit, but you just
break.
“i'm s-sorry, i d-didn't mean t-to! i d-did it! i killed h-him!” You burst, tears starting to fall from your eye sockets. “he just, he j-just, didn't t-treat us okay! h-he was t-turning insane and i didn't even d-do a-anything about it!”
You refuse to look at Papyrus as you continue. “he h-hurt us, and i d-didn't do anything a-about it! i juts p-pushed him into the Core!” You take a breath before speaking again, “i p-probably caused h-him to t-turn insane. i was a w-weak son. a d-disappointment. h-he probably couldn't s-stand me anymore. it was fine w-when it w-was just me, but then h-he started to hurt you as w-well! and… and… i-i-” You crumple in on yourself as guilt consumes you.
“Sans, i'm sorry.” Papyrus says, pulling you into a hug. You know he has no real idea of what you just said; you just blurted out random information, it's probably a lot to take it. But you can't stand how quick he is to go by your side. You just said you killed someone! Why is he so nice to you!? Why is he saying sorry!?
“stop saying s-sorry! none of this is your fault, it's all mine! i deserve every horrible thing that happens to me! everything is my fault! why are you so nice to me? i d-don't deserve you.”
“Sans…”
“why? all i've ever done is mess things up. why do you want me around? don't you see i would be better off dead? you'd be so much better without me.”
You start chuckling at yourself, but it eventually grows into a crazed laugh.
“it's so funny!” You say, tears coming to your eyes. Whether from laughter or sadness you can't tell. And you don't care.
“it's funny because even if i was dead, i wouldn't even get the pleasure of staying that way! it's all going to RESET in the end anyways. this conversation doesn't even matter because you won't remember it.”
Your laughter tapers off into a loud sob, and you hurt your face in your hands.
“god, i'm such a mess.” You say in between tears.
You both sit there, Papyrus hugging you as you cry, for what seems like forever. Your tears eventually dry however, and in one last burst of a wave of emotions, you're wracked with guilt and shamefulness.
“i'm sorry. i didn't mean to, i didnt, i-i…” You trail off, letting Papyrus pick up.
“Sans it's okay. You're okay.”
“no i'm not. i'm such a mess. you don't deserve to be burdened with me.”
“Well... I guess you might not be okay right now.” He says sadly after a pause, “But that's okay. Because you will be. I promise.”
You sit there in silence for a little longer before Papyrus speaks up again.
“You will be okay.”