Insane
Papyrus helps you up, and you wordlessly oblige, too ashamed to do anything else. You both slowly start your walk towards the house, and your arm is stinging beneath the scarf. But that isn't bothering you right now, in fact, you barely feel it. The only thing you can feel is guilt and shame.
The walk, usually about fifteen minutes, takes about double that time due to your physical weakness, and therefore slow pace. Papyrus doesn't complain, let alone speak as you walk, probably mad at you for being the disgrace you are. His previous words, spoken to be true and kind, only feel mocking in comparison to what you believe he truly feels. When he got frustrated enough with you to finally speak his feelings. And yet, once you hear the things you always knew were true, you still freak out and run away like a coward.
Coming up to the door of the house now, you're grateful there are no strangling monsters roaming the street. No spectators to you pathetically trailing behind Papyrus, his hand in your grasp, head down.
“ALPHYS!” Papyrus calls when you both walk in through the door.
Alphys hurries in from the next room, and looks at you briefly before glancing to Papyrus.
“SANS NEEDS TO BE HEALED. CAN YOU GET HIM SOME FOOD PLEASE? ALSO WHEN YOU’RE DONE, I’LL NEED YOU TO LOOK OVER HIM.”
You wish you could be like Papyrus, calm and orderly in a stressful situation. But you're you, and you're his opposite.
“Umm s-sure! I’ll b-be right b-back.”
She scurries into the kitchen as Papyrus again leads you into the living room. There is a worried looking Toriel sitting on the couch next to Undyne, who holds a blank expression. Papyrus ushers you to sit on the other couch, even propping the pillow up to make it more comfortable.
You sit for a moment, in a tense silence until Alphys comes back in with a package of instant noodles.
“I’m s-sorry I couldn't find anything b-better, b-but there’s r-really nothing else in t-the house.” She hands them to you before adding, “T-trust me, they're b-better dry.”
You comply and start to eat them dry, unaware of the taste at all. Toriel tries to make conversation to ease the silence, telling that Frisk and Asgore are really getting somewhere with monster-human relations, but to no avail. You eat silently and shamefully, fully aware of how you must look right now. To your surprise, when you finish, it's Undyne that speaks up.
“Hey, Papyrus? Since we're like out of groceries, want to come with me to the store? I found this new place that has lots of different types of spaghetti!”
You feel Papyrus’ stare on you, deciding whether to leave or not. You appreciate what Undyne’s doing, trying to get him out of the house, and distract him from your situation. You wish he would leave, you can barely even look in his general direction without guilt bubbling within you.
“SANS… WILL YOU BE OKAY?”
You nod, refusing to speak to him. Alphys also chimes in, “He’ll b-be okay Papyrus. You s-should p-probably get out of t-the house.”
“OKAY… I GUESS THAT’S A GOOD IDEA. JUST MAKE SURE YOU CHECK HIM.”
Your head dips lower at the mention of checking your stats. Nobody seems to notice though, because as soon as Papyrus complies, Undyne springs off the couch and grabs his hand, already starting to drag him out the door.
“YEAH we're going to get ALL the spaghetti!”
“OF COURSE UNDYNE! THE GREAT PAPYRUS DESERVES NO LESS THAN EVERY TYPE OF PASTA ON THE SHELVES!” His tone is cheery, but you can still sense the apprehension in his voice as him and Undyne talk as they're walking out the door.
Toriel moves from her spot to come sit on the couch with you.
“You know, Papyrus was so upset at himself from what he said. As soon as you disappeared, he immediately let everyone in the house know before he went looking for you. He really cares about you. I sincerely hope you know he didn't mean what he said.”
You sit in silence, bringing your knees up to your chest and wrapping your arms around. You don't speak, embarrassed at the position you're in right now.
“Okay, s-so Sans… Papyrus said t-to check you.” Alphys says, breaking the silence, “So i’m g-going to do t-that, if that's okay?”
“mhmm” You mumble as you uncurl yourself to sit properly on the couch.
Sans
.5/.5 HP
1 ATK
1 DEF
Getting worse
You hear Toriel gasp, and feel Alphys’ glare on you. You turn your head downwards, not being able to bear the thought of looking them in the eyes.
“O-oh I g-guess t-that's why Papyrus w-wanted me t-to check y-you.”
She pauses for a minute, but then notices the scarf wrapped around your arm.
“Is y-your arm okay?” She gives a small laugh, I’m sorry t-that seems l-like a stupid question. Can I s-see it?”
You extend your arm towards her, still staring at the ground. Alphys carefully unwraps it, and you feel her shudder slightly. You know that she knows what happened, but someone else has no idea.
“Sans! What happened?” Toriel asks, drawn out of her silent stupor.
Alphys looks uncomfortable, seemingly deciding what to tell Toriel.
“i did it.” You say, voice gruff and hoarse, startling both Alphys and Toriel.
“Oh…” A look of recognition crosses Toriel’s face, perhaps she forgot how messed up you are?
“W-well if we properly bandage t-this up, it should b-be fine in n-no time! Here… I t-think I h-have…” Alphys fumbles around in her lab coat pocket before pulling out a roll of bandages. “Here! I'll d-do it n-now.”
Alphys carefully wraps your arm, careful not to brush against it. She accidentally pushes hard a few times, then spits apologies, but you don't really care. It doesn't hurt. It doesn't matter. It's what you deserved anyways.
“N-now that that's sorted out…” She lets go of your arm, which drops to your side, “Umm… Y-your HoPe…”
“You know Papyrus really didn't mean it Sans.” Toriel says sadly, “He told me exactly what he said, and how much he regretted it.”
Sure, Papyrus might feel bad, but only because of your dumb reaction. He finally admitted out loud how much of a burden you are. It seems even the nicest person can be upset at you, and that just says something about yourself.
“He j-just said it b-because he was f-frustrated. N-not at y-you of course, b-but this whole s-situation. He's been under a l-lot of strain r-recently.”
Yeah, that's your fault.
“We just want to help! I get it that you don't want to tell us about your HoPe decreasing, it's not a comfortable topic. And believe me, we don't want to push you into any uncomfortable situation.”
Well it's too late for that, that's your own fault though.
“B-but, obviously, as y-you can see, your HoPe is d-dangerously low. And t-talking about this c-can only help! I know it s-seems scary, I know. Telling everyone a-about t-the determination experiments w-was not t-the best time in m-my life. But once I t-talked about it, it w-was like a w-weight was lifted off m-my chest! It h-helps to have t-the support of f-friends, they w-want to help! We all want t-to help! Please let us h-help you!”
Great, this again. You can't tell them. They don't remember. They'll think you're crazy. You are crazy.
“i… c-can't”
Selfish.
“i'm s-sorry… i…”
Shameful.
“i just…”
Worthless.
“...can't”
No wonder Papyrus was angry at you.
“That's… okay. You don't have to tell us right now, but please think about it. Don't you want to get better?”
You look up at Toriel, shooting her an expression that answers her question without words. A completely defeated expression that shows no care for self preservation.
Apparently, as though your recent failures have not yet proved this, Toriel is taken aback by the overwhelming hopelessness that covers your entire being.
“Well we want you to get better. So can you please promise to try? If not for yourself, for us.”
Promises, promises. The things you give out so sparingly, you could count how many on your fingers. Promises. The things you can't keep despite the small number you gave. Promises. Things you break because of your own selfish needs. Promises.
But yet you still make them. Why? Do you think you can keep them? Do you think you won't break the new ones you make? Do you think you can get better?
Does it really matter though? One more broken promise in a sea of many. Is it even worth a shot?
Despite your better judgment, you slowly nod your head up and down, not quite signaling a true agreement, but still doing something.
Toriel seems to realize that's all she's going to be getting out of you. “Well Sans, I suppose you must be tired after this whole… ordeal… so I suggest taking a nap. Would you agree Alphys?”
“Yeah t-that seems like a g-good idea. You're probably c-completely worn out, r-right?”
You shrug in response. Yeah, you're definitely tired, maybe even the most you've been in your entire life. Drained emotionally and physically. But you figure sleeping will result in nightmares, if you even manage to fall asleep at all.
“H-here i'll take you t-to your b-bed and-”
“actually, if it's okay, i'll umm… stay in the couch. probably easier for both of ya, so ya don't hafta move.”
“It's fine with me if it's fine with you Sans.” Toriel says.
“mhmm” you hum in agreement, while Alphys and Toriel stand up and move to the other couch to give you some room.
You curl up back into a ball and lay on your side. It's not exactly comfortable, but you don't exactly care. Covering your face with your arms, you try to take calming breaths as silent tears start to trail down your face.
It seems as if today's trauma is hitting you now, as if it hasn't hit already. Papyrus hates you. You're selfish and pathetic. What else is new?
You hear the click of the TV turning on as well as shuffling around of the couch. You try to zone out your thoughts will the monotonous tone emitting from the newscaster on the current channel. You catch phrases regarding monsters such as, “unexpected” and “different opinions” but nothing really sticks to your memory.
You're trying to distract yourself from your mind. Your mind is something you hate. Storing memories you don't want to relive. Creating storms within itself. Making you slowly turn insane. Like him.
How long you've been laying here, you don't know. But by now, the tears that were present on your face have long dried up, leaving only small tracks behind.
“GUESS WHO’S GOT PASTA?!” is the shout of two voices from the other room. You jump slightly at the sudden sound, soon realizing Papyrus and Undyne are back.
You sit up, trying to calm your nerves about seeing Papyrus.
“SANS OH MY GOODNESS YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE HOW MANY TYPES OF PASTA THERE ARE! … SANS?”
You turned your head down and away from him, basking in guilt and shame.
Undyne seems to take no notice of this as she continues speaking with her great energy.
“ALPHYS! Come help me make food! It'll be super epic!” She karate chops the air with a devious grin on her face. “... ANIME STYLE!”
Without waiting for so much as a response, Undyne grabs Alphys and drags her into the kitchen. Toriel sighs and says, “I should probably supervise them. Frisk told me Undyne set her own house on fire cooking with them.”
She walks out of the room, leaving only you and Papyrus.
“SANS…” Papyrus says, dropping the bags he was carrying on the coffee table. “YOU KNOW I'M SORRY, RIGHT?”
He walks over and sits on the couch, wrapping an arm around you. You curl tighter around yourself and push away to the other side of the couch, abandoning Papyrus.
“s’not your fault.” You mumble quietly.
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN SANS? I HAD NO REASON TO BE UPSET AT YOU, I JUST UNLOADED ALL MY STRESS ONTO YOU. I’M SO SORRY FOR DOING THAT. IT’S DEFINITELY MY FAULT.”
“no it isn't.” You say a bit louder. “it’s mine.”
You look Papyrus in the face for the first time since he found you, filled with a deranged sense of determination to prove your self-worth.
“it's mine, i was selfish. i didn't tell you what you wanted. i'm the disappointment. i'm weak. pathetic. even more so now. i mean, .5 HP? i'm better off dead.” Papyrus’ face twists into deep frown as you talk. “it would be less of a burden on everyone anyways.”
“Sans.” Papyrus says, using one of the most serious tones you've heard him use.
“but does it matter?” You continue, “of course it doesn't! heh heh! the kid will just RESET, right? i'll go through all of this again.
“Sans…”
“not like i don't deserve it though, i failed so many times before the RESETS even happened. it's punishment for my past sins, ya know? the only horrible thing about it is that you guys are stuck in the loop as well, fortunately without the memories though.”
“Sans… please…”
“ you're so great. i don't even know how you put up with me. i don't even know why you put up with me. you'd be so much better without me to drag you down.”
“Please…”
“it's almost funny! you're like my complete opposite. you're happy and energetic and always make everyone's lives better by being around. i'm upset, lazy, and make it worse for anyone around me!”
You giggle with a semi-crazed laughter, to caught up in your own deranged thoughts to notice the horrified expression on Papyrus’ face.
“SANS STOP!” Papyrus yells, tears starting to stream down his face.
Your own laughter calms down, as does your mind, only now realizing what you've been doing.
You curl in on yourself suddenly, as if brought back from a trance.
“i'm s-sorry.” You speak softly, your conscience coated in the thickest layer of guilt you've ever known. “i didn't… i d-didn’t…
“Is that what you think about? Is this what you think everyday?”
“i'm sorry… i… didn't m-mean t-to…” You try and take deep breathes to calm yourself, but to no avail.
Suddenly, Papyrus pulls you into a tight hug.
“I’m sorry. I...I promise this will all be alright in the end. We’ll all help you recover. We’ll all help you be happy!”
Papyrus pauses steady his voice, tears still flowing freely from his face.
“I promise.”