Panic
“SANS!”
Papyrus? Why is he coming closer to you? He hates you. You failed him. You let him die.
“ARE YOU OKAY?”
You can't take the genuine concern in his voice as he comes closer to you. Why is he concerned. He should hate you. He does hate you.
Papyrus slows when he realized you started shaking, rattling the whole bed frame with your tremors. “Sans…”
“i'm sorry.”
“What are you sorry fo-”
You cut him off with more apologies. “i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i failed you i can't do anything right! please don't hate me! i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry!”
“Sans, please calm down. I could never, ever, hate you.” He says as he makes his way over to your bedside. “Please, tell me what's wrong.”
You start hyperventilating because Papyrus shouldn't care about you. He should hate you. He probably does hate you. Just hiding it behind faux concern.
“Sans, please try to calm down,” He says in his sickeningly sweet voice, laced with a kindness you don't deserve. “Try to take breathes. I'm going to get Alphys, okay? I'll be right back.”
Without so much as waiting for a response he hurries towards the door and quickly makes his way out of the room.
Now Alphys is coming here. And you're sure she hates you. Why shouldn't she? You weren't there for her when she needed it. You broke your promise.
Your chest feels tight and in pain as you struggle to take in gasps of air. Alphys comes through the door and hurries over to you, taking in your horrible state. How pathetic you must look right now. Not that she cares. Because you know she doesn't. Because you failed her.
“i'm sorry!”
“Sans. Can you listen t-to me please? I want y-”
“i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry! please don't hate me! i didn't mean- i didn't- i-i…” Your voice is cut off by a loud sob, and it takes you a moment to realize that you were the one crying. Weak.
“Sans. Can y-you tell me where we are?”
You try to look around, the the surroundings all are blurring together, an indecipherable string of scenes. You look back at Alphys, who seems to be awaiting a response. You shake your head no, and Alphys looks worried. You probably messed up. Again.
“Can you t-try and tell me what i'm wearing?”
You look below her face and make out a long white jacket. A lab coat. Seems old habits die hard.
“a-” Your voice breaks on the first word, so you try to take a few breaths before speaking again. “a l-lab coat.”
“Good! C-can you tell me w-what Papyrus is wearing?”
Papyrus? He's here? You try and look around the room again, and are surprised to see a blob of red and blue, that soon focuses into a vaguely recognizable Papyrus.
“uh he's w-wearing a-a red t-shirt and-and jeans.”
“And what c-color are the flowers on t-that table?”
Alphys extends a hand gesturing to brightly colored vase filled with blue roses. Someone probably got those for you.
“t-they are blue.”
“And w-what about the walls? what color are t-they?”
“yellow.”
You're starting to get confused as you regain your senses. Why is Alphys asking all these questions?
“And what d-day of the week is it?”
Looking over at the calendar posted on the wall with passed dates marked off, you respond quickly.
“tuesday.”
You interrupt Alphys right when she's about to ask another question.
“uh wait. why are you doing this?”
Noticing your more or less stable state now, Alphys responds, “Sans, you w-were having a panic attack, and as s-soon as Papyrus t-told me what was happening, I recognized t-the symptoms. I’m n-not exactly a stranger to them myself.”
She chuckles humorlessly at herself, no doubt hating herself for issues you could have prevented.
“The questions distracted you right? Y-you were able to f-focus better.”
Papyrus comes over and stands beside Alphys, giving you a sympathetic look.
“I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. YOU JUST STARTED HYPERVENTILATING AND I COULDN’T HELP YOU BY MYSELF.”
“pap, it's okay. i'm okay now, right?”
“I KNOW… BUT WHAT HAPPENED SANS? I JUST HEARD YOU SCREAM SUDDENLY, AND I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO THINK.”
“it was nothing.”
Papyrus doesn't need to know about your nightmares. He doesn't need another reason to worry about you.
“SANS. PLEASE STOP THIS. STOP LYING. YOU OBVIOUSLY HAD A BAD DREAM OR SOMETHING, SO WHY CAN’T YOU JUST TELL ME?”
Bad dream was an understatement. But Papyrus doesn't need to know that.
“yeah. i guess it was just a bad dream. sorry i overreacted a bit there.”
“SANS COME ON. YOU HAD A PANIC ATTACK! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME WHAT IT WAS ABOUT, BUT PLEASE DON’T STRAIGHT UP LIE TO ME LIKE THAT. I’M NOT A CHILD. DO YOU THINK I’M DUMB?”
“paps you know i don't think you're dumb. you're like the smartest person i know.”
You pause a second in thought, seeing how you can get Papyrus to drop the conversation.
“but yeah. you're right. it was a pretty bad dream.”
“BUT YOU’RE NOT GOING TO TALK ABOUT IT?”
You sigh and turn yourself away from Papyrus. It seems Alphys left the room sometime during your conversation, probably to give you both some privacy. That was nice of her.
“i just… i’d prefer not to talk about it.”
“THAT'S OKAY. WOULD YOU RATHER I TALK ABOUT MY PLANS FOR THE SURFACE!?”
You assume Papyrus is doing this for you, to help you get your mind off things. You appreciate it right now, there's nothing like listening to Papyrus to clear your head.
So Papyrus talks about his plans for the surface. He talks about the job he wants, all the nice humans he will meet, and has met already, etc. You occasionally join in with a well timed pun, but for the most part you chose to keep quiet and listen to Papyrus. He really is the coolest.
However, soon the conversation tapers off into less comfortable territory.
“SO, UM, ALPHYS TOLD ME THAT SHE TOLD YOU ABOUT THE TALK BETWEEN US.” You nod, and Papyrus continues, albeit quieter, “It was just because I didn't know what to do. She is a doctor after all.” He pauses slightly, most likely figuring out how to word his next sentence, “ I… was told a lot of things about HP. About HoPe. I already knew the basics, but Alphys… cleared some things up for me. She said that you can only lose HP when you lose hope. Hope for the future. I know so didn't understand at the time, and I am truly sorry for that,” He shouldn't be, “But I understand why you lost hope. You were repeating the same day over and over, but to me it was so sudden. I should've known something was amiss. I'm so, so, sorry.”
“Papyrus please. don't be sorry. it wasn't your fault. it was more mine than anything.” For not stopping the RESETS.
“Sans, please don't blame yourself for this.” Noticing your lack of response he goes on, “Anyways, I understand why you lost HoPe. That time.”
You should've know Papyrus would bring this up sooner or later. He probably wants to know why he has a gaping hole in his memory, and what happened during that time to cause your first decrease in HP.
“Sans, what happened the first time? I just- I can't remember. Why can't I remember!? It's something important, right? I can't remember anything from when we were younger, it's just like my memories disappeared!”
Because they did. Everyone's memories wiped clean of any evidence of him. Your smile falters for a second as you're lost deep in thought, reminiscing about times that never happened, and your failure that no one remembers.
“Sans? Are you okay? You don't have to talk about what happened, but please be honest.”
“i'm fine.” You say, lying straight through your teeth. You seem to be saying ‘i’m fine’ a lot actually, without actual truth behind the words.
Papyrus huffs in annoyance, so you continue speaking, “it doesn't really matter anymore anyways.”
And it doesn't. You're the only one who remembers. Everyone else has moved on without him in their lives. You should just suck it up and stop being so pathetic and selfish about the situation.
“Well if it bothers you, of course it matters!”
But it doesn't matter. He doesn't matter. You don't matter.
“nah, it really doesn’t, i like, completely forgot about it until you brought it up.”
You try to convince Papyrus with an obviously strained smile, so obvious that you have no doubt Papyrus noticed. He hums in a sense of agreement, probably only dropping the subject because of your blatant distaste of it. You know however, that Papyrus will bring this back up, and you need to prepare a response that will fully satisfy him without actually telling him what happened.
“Ok… Alphys wanted me to let you know that you'll probably be able to leave this room soon. Your injuries are almost healed.” He says the last sentence with a somber tone. “You might want to get some sleep now.”
Yeah, like that'll happen. It's best to agree so he doesn't worry.
“uh Papyrus? how long have you been in here. when's the last time you slept in your bed?”
Now thinking about it, Papyrus has been in the room every time you woke up, and you're sure he was there almost the whole time you were sleeping.
“Well I haven't slept in my bed since...that… but-” He catches opening your mouth, about to retort, “Before you say anything, I HAVE been sleeping, just in this room. You have to imagine how scared I was when-when we found you.” He chokes up for a moment, then composes himself, “I'm sure you would've done the same thing in my place.”
“yeah, i guess that's true.” And it is because Papyrus is the brightest light in your life, and you already know what happens when that light gets put out. You just shouldn't be Papyrus’ light, as he deserves so much better. “just promise me you'll go and get some sleep. please.”
“But somebody needs to watch y-”
“Papyrus, you need to sleep. i can tell you're tired.”
“Same can be said for you.”
“just get somebody else to watch me tonight. i promise i'll be fine.”
“I… I guess I can. Here,” He walks over to the your bedside table and grabs the pill bottle, “You should take these.”
He uncaps the bottle then hands you a pill, and you dry swallow it before he can even turn around to grab the glass of water.
“Okay, I guess i'll go get someone to watch you now.”
“see you tomorrow paps.”
“See you tomorrow. Just don't do anything stupid when i'm gone.” He says it in a light, joking tone, but you catch the true meaning behind his words.
As he walks out the door, you're left alone with your thoughts for the first time in a while. You allow yourself to reflect on this timeline so far.
Papyrus now knows about your tallies, along with Alphys, who had no idea you started scaring yourself again. Although you don't remember much from after your… incident… you pieced together that Papyrus and everyone else found you almost a second after you broke your ribs. And that was a cause for everyone to worry itself. But then you had to tell them about the timelines. The timelines you failed them. The timelines you gave up. The timelines they shouldn't be burdened with the knowledge of. Then, the cherry on top, the panic attack you had a short while ago.
Your mind is conflicted on different feelings running throughout your brain. Different voices speaking their opinions on the issues at hand. But it seems as if they can all agree on one point: You messed up. Oh, you messed up so badly. And the worst part is you don't know if you want the timeline to RESET or not.
Of course though, you rationalize, if the timeline were to truly RESET, you don't think you could function. If you went through all this, and it didn't even matter. But nothing ever matters, and fate is a sharp sword, always stabbing you in the back when you least expect it.
“Hello Sans!”
Toriel quietly comes in the door, pulling you out of your thoughts. She grabs a chair and pulls it next to your bed.
“Thank you for telling Papyrus to get some sleep. He's been worrying over you constantly. He really needed some rest.”
“you're welcome. and, uh, sorry. for this.”
“It's quite alright Sans!” She says with a somewhat forced cheer, “How are you feeling though?”
“m’fine. just had a little bit of a rough wake up call is all.”
You spare her the details, she doesn't really need to know about your mental breakdown before. You are grateful for her lack of questioning about the subject.
“I'm sorry to hear that. Papyrus said you should probably go to sleep right now. He was very adamant about that fact.”
“hey tori, did you hear about the guy the police were looking for?”
“I do not believe I have. What happened?”
“well he was a person of great intorest”
You listen to Toriel’s laugh, loud, but not obnoxious, as you feign a yawn and roll over to your side. Your ribs ache a bit at the movement, but the medicine is starting to kick in, and the pain dulls.
Looking at the clock on the wall, you notice it's late, 11:18.
“hey tori, you should probably get some sleep. i'm sure that chair’s not the most comfortable but… ya gotta rest too.”
“ I probably will in a little bit, and don't worry about the chair, i'm sure it's fine.”
But it's not fine, because she wouldn't even have to be here, watching over you, if it were not for your stupid mistakes.
“night tori.” You say, trying to make your voice sound as if you were on the edge of sleep.
“Goodnight Sans. Sweet dreams.”
Yeah that's not going to happen.
You stay still on your side, occasionally moving to fake a deep sleep. Eventually, you hear Toriel shuffling around to get into a comfortable sleeping position. As her breathing evens out, and she begins snoring gently, you turn and lay on your back.
You want to sleep, you truly do, but after your crude awakening before, it's not an idea you want to entertain. You only feigned sleeping so nobody would worry about you, as it should be. You've already caused enough trouble. Enough trouble for a lifetime.
You lay, staring up at the yellow ceiling, mind wandering over useless things that you don't even try to focus on. The background sound of Toriel deep breaths and soft snores are a familiar stranger in a sea of thoughts. It's only until a small beam of light peaks through the half closed blinds that you realize how quickly the time had passed.
Although it wasn't sleep, it wasn't bad to have a blank mind for a while. Soon it will be filled with insecurities and reminders of failure. But right now you embrace the moment and take this opportunity to halt the storm of your mind.