Don't
Alphys comes back with a large bag of chisps, crinkling between her hands as she rushes back towards your spot on the couch.
“Sans. You’re going to tell me what happened.” She says with no trace of hesitation.
“eh, let’s… go somewhere else first.”
Your eyes trail over to the kid, who has silently been watching you since Alphys’ outburst at your health, crayons abandoned. Seeing a trace of guilt in their eyes, perhaps thinking they caused your health decrease, you are quick to reassure them.
“it’s okay kid, just gotta talk with Alph.”
Helping you up, Alphys takes your hand and leads upstairs to her room, and thankfully Undyne is still in the kitchen.
Alphys hands over the bag of chisps, and you take your time opening the bag, wondering if you really deserve the relief that is contained inside it. You decide however, since Alphys sends you a glare, that you should probably hurry up and eat, otherwise she’ll tell Papyrus or someone else.
Taking a chisp at a time, you eat, slowly but surely as Alphys stares at you, a silent gaze upon you, ushering you to hurry up. The chisps taste like cardboard, as you’re still not in the mood for eating, but your HP steadily increases tick by tick. Your mind wanders, searching for an explanation to tell, but none comes.
Soon, your HP is back to its fantastic 1, and you turn and face Alphys.
“um. i’m all good now.”
“S-sans. What happened?”
You have a speculation she knows, having gone through the same thing herself, so denying it isn’t going to do anything. If there was a way out of this situation, you’d definitely take it, but it really seems as though there are none. You decide to show her rather than tell her.
You roll up the sleeve to your less injured arm first, not looking at Alphys’ face for the rejection it would hold. She got over her issues, why can’t you? Why can’t you stop being so weak?
Even though the tallies on this arm are deep, they are few in number, and you have no doubt Alphys knows they didn’t cause the drop in HP.
“I-is t-that all?”
Still avoiding her face, you carefully roll up your other sleeve, and then hear Alphys gasp quietly.
Talking in a hushed whisper now, “Oh my god. S-sans!”
You look upon your arm, how ugly and disgusting and mangled it looks. Why did you do this? Sure, you deserved it, but did you really think nobody would find out? Now you're putting Alphys through your troubles, as well as Papyrus. How selfish.
“i'm sorry, okay!” You outburst, “i know i'm selfish and worthless, and messed up, and broken…” The list goes on and on, but soon you're mumbling inaudibly. Alphys reaches for you after her momentary stun, but you pull away, ceasing your mumbling immediately.
“never mind. i shouldn't have said anything.” You say under your breath, more to yourself then Alphys.
“Sans…” Alphys says, pity thick in her voice as she reaches for you again. But you don't deserve her pity. You don't deserve anyone's pity. Your problems are your own and nobody needs to pity you for things you caused.
Backing away farther this time, you say, “i'm sorry.”
“Sans there's n-nothing to be sorry about-” She starts, but in a blink you're gone, back to your room. Not caring right now that you used your shortcut in front of somebody.
Alphys is wrong though, you think as you lock the door to the room and lay on your bed. She is so very wrong. You have everything to be sorry for. For not saving him. For not saving Papyrus. For not saving anyone killed at the hands of the child or the flower. For abandoning Alphys in her time of need. For giving up.
You roll your sleeves back down, and look at you bed sheets. The usual light blue has spots of in a deeper shade covering it. Touching your hand to your face, you pull your fingers back, still wet from your silent tears. When did you start crying? Pathetic.
How is it possible to be as big as a failure as you? You start taking sharp uneven breaths as your tears fall more steadily. It seems as though you mess up in every single possible timeline.
You hear knocking in the distance, probably Alphys, but you're too distraught to care. Why does she still care about you? She should leave and live a better life without you. Maybe you can stay in your room for the rest of this timeline.
You quiver, bones rattling as you grab your pillow and hold it tightly against your chest. Maybe it would be better if you were gone until the next RESET. Maybe it won't RESET and you'll be gone forever, permanently removed from everyone's lives. Sure at first they would be sad, but wouldn't they get over it? They would as soon as they truly realize how much you dragged them down. Besides, you deserve no better then death. You've ruined all the other timelines, whose to say this one won't get any worse because of you?
The knocking on the door continues, more insistent. Why doesn't Alphys get it. She should just give up on you. You're not really worth her time. You’re not worth anyone's time.
Your eye sockets are covered with the now stream of tears flowing from your eyes. Weak. You blindly reach out and grope around, searching for your dresser. Your hand hits the cold wood, and you blink away your pathetic tears as you move your hand to the bottom drawer.
The nail is right where you left it, sitting in between the piles of shorts strewn around in the draw. Grabbing it you lay back down on your bed, now aware of the lack of knocking.
You would feel upset, and abandoned, knowing Alphys just gave up on you like that, but you know you deserve it. It's only a good thing she gave up on you.
You were worried about Papyrus finding your dust, but now it is less of a concern. If he was told you were on vacation by friends, he would eventually catch on. He isn't dumb. And now, he'll have your dust. Not that that's important to you, but monsters like to spread the dust of their deceased loved ones on their favorite object. And Papyrus loves you. He shouldn't, but he does. It's in his nature.
And hey, maybe you'll see everyone in the next RESET, and not be such a mess up next time. You'd rather the world didn't RESET though, allowing everyone to move on and forget you, realizing how much you weighed them down. But it doesn't matter. Nothing does.
Should you be feeling things right now? Dread? Guilt? Regret? You feel nothing but numb. Raising the nail above your bare chest, you feel nothing inside you. Empty. Hollow. Exactly the the fake smile and façade you put on that seems to be fooling people less and less.
There is all of a sudden a new, fiercer pounding on the door, and you wish whoever it is would leave you be. You don't deserve to be cared about.
There are also voices you hear shouting from the other side, but you try and tune them out. You don't deserve their pity. You don't deserve their kindness. You don't deserve their forgiveness.
One hit. That's all it should take. One hit and this constant nightmare will stop, if only for a short while. But you need a break. And everyone needs a break from you.
You raise the nail higher, extending your arms as far up as they can go, ignoring the shouts that now sound like whispers compared to the voices in your mind.
One hit, with the intent to kill.
One hit.
All you see is the breaking of your weak ribs as you smash the nail down into your chest.
You don't see Papyrus break down the door moments after.
You don't see a panicking Alphys come rushing in after him.
You don't see the worried faces of Asgore, Toriel, and Undyne standing in the hallway.
You don't see Frisk hurrying behind Alphys with a guilty look and tears rushing down their face already.
Dust is dripping off your bones.
.0000000001/1 HP