Guilt
The rest of the time spent at the library was mostly uneventful. After you came back from eavesdropping, you guiltily went back to your computer and started looking up actual jobs. However, shortly after Alphys and Papyrus came back, you all left the Library to go back to the house. And, oh boy, if you thought the trip to the library was hard, the way back was a whole other thing. Papyrus even offered to carry you back after half way, but you refused because he shouldn’t have to be burdened with you, and you can carry your own weight.
Now you’re back at the house though, and you’re bone tired. But you can’t go to sleep, because then you’ll have nightmares, and those never end well. Papyrus seems to notice your how you posture has become slumped, and how heavily lidded your eye sockets are.
“SANS. I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M SAYING THIS BUT… YOU LOOK LIKE YOU SHOULD SLEEP? I MEAN I NORMALLY WOULDN’T ENCOURAGE YOU TO BE LAZY… BUT YOU LOOK REALLY TIRED…”
You really aren’t looking forward to sleeping, but maybe you can pretend so you don’t worry Papyrus. Plus, he probably won’t want to come into the room if you’re sleeping, as to not disturb you. So you “accept” his offer.
“uh yeah Paps, that does sound like a good idea. i’m bone tired. heh heh.”
“SANS GO TO OUR ROOM RIGHT NOW, I CANNOT STAND YOUR PUNS RIGHT NOW.”
You comply and trudge your way upstairs, passing by Alphys and giving her a little wave. As soon as you’re in your room, you plop onto your bed, which creaks with the sudden weight. Then, as you look over at your dresser, you’re reminded of the nail you keep in the bottom drawer. You’re about to pull yourself up and open the drawer, but then mentally scold yourself.
‘No. You said you would try. You said you would try for Papyrus. Don’t be an even bigger disappointment.’
But you are already too big of a disappointment. If it wasn’t for Papyrus’ kind and caring charisma, you’re sure he would have left you long ago. And for the better. Papyrus would be better off without you here.
You can’t stand it though, the urge is too strong. You feel like such a weak willed failure for doing this, but you do it anyways. Reaching over to the dresser, you pull open the bottom drawer and shuffle around the many similar pairs of black shorts, eventually finding what you looking for.
Holding the nail tightly, you begin to swirl it around in your fingers, temping yourself. But you know you deserve the pain. For everything you have and haven’t done. Starting with him, then the RESETS, where you had two chances. The flower and the kid. Failing Papyrus every time. Failing everyone in the Underground every time. Doing nothing to even try. Giving up when you still had a shot. Disobeying Papyrus’ wishes by listening to his conversation in the library. Even now, as you hold the nail, you’re going against Papyrus. But this is what’s needed. If Papyrus isn’t going to inflict the pain you deserve on you, you’re going to inflict it upon yourself. It’s a fair trade right? Papyrus died plenty of times due to your incompetence, so why not return the favor. Of course if you died, it wouldn’t be Papyrus’ fault, like it was for his deaths. Hell, Papyrus is the only reason you’ve decided to stick around this long. Even before the RESETS.
Still clutching the nail in your grasp you rip off your sweatshirt and lay face up on the bed. You roll up the bottom of your shirt, exposing your ribcage. You see the indents of many, many, other points of weakness. Old, yes, but still there. You run your hand along the scars of a different time, for a different reason. Because of him. His descent in madness, and your inability to do anything about it. Your failure to save him while he falled, even if he was insane. Because he wasn’t always that way. Once kind and caring. But now, any memory of him has disappeared, except for in your mind.
You turn the nail downward, poised to strike at your bare ribcage. How easy it would be. One hit, with the intent to kill, would dust you for sure. Intent is the only reason you’re not dead right now. While making the tallies, your goal was pain and permanence, not death. But now…
Wouldn’t it be better for everyone? Papyrus wouldn’t have to deal with you. You would be out of everyone’s hair until the next RESET. Or thinking optimistically, maybe the kid won’t RESET. Nobody would have to deal with you and the failure and uselessness that comes along with you.
But… What about Papyrus. What would he do if he came upstairs to find you, and only found a pile of dust? Would he get over it? He probably would, once he realizes how better off he would be without you, but the moment he catches sight of your dust…
You shiver slightly as you lower the nail to your side. You couldn’t do that to him. Even if you deserve it. You can’t blatantly display your dust for Papyrus to find. Maybe if you leave first everyone else would tell him that you went on vacation.
You settle for rolling down your shirt, but still picking up the nail again. Hastily unwrapping the bandage Papyrus helped with, you sit up and hold the nail against your now exposed wrist containing the tallies, and push down hard. Slowly dragging the nail buried in you bone horizontally against your arm, making sure you get each ounce of pain you deserve.
.5 HP
But you’re not done yet. You deserve more. You switch the nail over to your other hand, and press it against your other wrist. Gripping it less tightly than you would with your dominant hand, you make several cuts, shallower than the first, but still deep enough to be concerning towards your health.
.2 HP
It burns so, so, much, but you know you deserve it. For failing so many people more times then you can count. You can make as many cuts as you want on this arm without messing up the tallies. You keep roughly dragging the nail against the now raw bone, deeper and deeper each time, until there literally is no more room on your wrist. Although you usually need the intent to kill to actually die, injuries are still real and detrimental to your health.
.075 HP
Weak and tired now, slowly losing the rush of adrenaline you used to harm yourself, you shakily reach out back towards the dresser and bury the nail between the mounds of clothes in the bottom drawer.
You’ll probably regret this later, but right now this was needed. Pain to distract you from your inner turmoil. Pain that you definitely deserved.
“SANS! LUNCH IS READY!”
Oh. Oh no. That isn’t good. You either have to go downstairs, or Papyrus comes up here and gets you. Both options are unfavorable. Quickly picking up your sweatshirt from the ground, you throw it back on, wincing slightly when the sleeves rub against the fresh wounds.
“SANS! COME ON. DO I SERIOUSLY HAVE TO COME UPSTAIRS TO GET YOU? I HEARD YOU MOVING AROUND, I KNOW YOU’RE UP.”
You mentally brace yourself for socializing with everyone downstairs. Taking a deep breath, you make your way downstairs to the kitchen.
“yeah, yeah, i’m comin Paps.”
As you make your way into the kitchen, Toriel greets you.
“Hello Sans!”
“heya tori.”
You sit yourself down next to her, and look around the table. It seems as though Asgore and Frisk haven’t come back yet.
“Asgore just texted me and told me him and Frisk would be back soon.” Undyne adds as if reading your mind.
“UNDYNE! IS MY WORK PULVERIZED ENOUGH TO SATISFACTORY?”
“Let me see!”
Undyne walks over to where Papyrus has prepared lunch spaghetti and sauce, and inspects it closely before shouting, “DUDE the sauce needs more... OBLITERATED VEGETABLES!”
It seems lunch will be postponed until later then. Papyrus and Undyne start punching tomatoes, while you turn to Alphys. Even though she doesn’t remember why, she knows you worked in the lab when you were very young. She was also young at the time, a few years older, coming in because her mom worked there. Both being shy, social outcasts, you hit it off right away.
“hey Alph. did you find any good jobs at the library?”
“U-um yeah! There was this o-one opening I s-saw that was for engineering, that seemed l-like it would be good to have. I-im just s-so nervous though b-because what if they don’t l-like me? I mean, what i-if i’m not good enough? I just-”
Cutting her off before she starts to ramble you say, “Alph. i know you’ll do just fine. you built Mettaton for goodness sake! i’m sure they’ll love ya. you’ll probably even be the smartest one there.”
“Y-you really think s-so?”
“course i do. wouldn’t have said it if i didn’t mean it.”
And you do mean it. Alphys, once you get past the socially awkward phase, is really great once you get to know her. When you were younger, you both had a lot of things in common. Issues both of you had that you helped each other get through.
You chat with Alphys for a little while longer, mostly letting her rant about either science or Mew Mew Kissy Cutie. Although you seem to be a very social person, talking to everyone, telling jokes all the time, and having a bunch of friends, you really just like to listen better. Listening to everyone else and their life really helps take your mind off your own issues.
Sooner rather than later, Frisk and Asgore are heard coming in the door, and then soon walking into the kitchen. Frisk is holding a small purse with crayons of all different colors sticking out of it. Asgore probably gave it to them to entertain themselves. They are still a kid after all.
It seems as though now the spaghetti and sauce are up to Undyne’s standards, and her and Papyrus start to dish it out to everyone. Maybe it’s Undyne’s help, or maybe it’s just Papyrus’ lack of pasta cooking skills, but the spaghetti is… indescribable. The amount you are able to stomach doesn’t boost your HP back up.
Frisk is fidgeting happily in their seat the whole time, quickly shoveling forkfuls of pasta down. You don’t know how they do it. They seem excited about something, and as they sign ‘I want to show you all something’ the reason why seems to come to light.
Frisk isn’t completely mute, but rather prefers to sign rather than talk. Only in certain instances will they actually use their voice, and in very short phrases. So far, in this timeline, you’ve only heard them talking on the phone to Undyne and Papyrus while Underground. The kid seems a lot more talkative when committing genocide however…
You’re startled out of your thought when Frisk grabs your wrist, and you wince slightly. Alphys looks at you confused, but then dismisses it. Thankfully Papyrus, or anyone else for that manner, doesn’t notice.
Frisk pulls you into the living room and makes you sit on the couch. Everyone else trails in behind you and also sits down, while Frisk shuffles through things in their bag. They hum in triumph, dramatically pumping their fist up in the air while the other hand pulls out a folded and slightly crumpled paper.
They carefully unfold it and proudly hold it up so as everyone can see.
“It’s you!”
Everyone looks back at Frisk for a moment, surprised by the sudden outburst of words, but then you all turn your attention back to the paper.
It’s a carefully colored drawing, depicting everyone in the room. Frisk has drawn themselves in the middle, surrounded by everyone. Papyrus is all the way on the left next to you, seemingly colored in with the brightest red crayon Frisk could find. The only other color coming close to match how vibrant it is would be Undyne’s hair, which is only a little bit darker. You’re shown in a pale blue hoodie, while Alphys is wearing her trademark labcoat. Asgore and Toriel’s outfits match in the same purple color, but Asgore is also decked with a golden crown that Frisk happily points out that they ‘made it with the macaroni-and-cheese crayon!’
It really is a good drawing, albeit the messiness that comes from kids. It really looks like Frisk put a lot of effort in it, and you wonder if this is their discrete way of telling you ‘no more RESETS’ again, since they haven’t done it in any other timeline that got this far. They look over at you, seemingly surveying your face for acceptance, with pleading eyes that read they want you to know they weren’t lying.
“looks great kid.”
That seems to appease them as they nod in content. Toriel suggest that they hang the picture on the fridge, seeing how great it is that it deserves a fridge worthy spot.
Now, you can’t help but wonder,
Is there truly no more RESETS?