Chapter 9
Ali’s POV:
After I had run into the bathroom last week, Kate had spent the next fifteen minutes trying to coax me out. I couldn’t come out, so we talked through the door. I told her what had happened. By the time I was done I was babbling incoherently. I heard Kate crying on the other side of the door and then I heard the door to my apartment open and then close. I stayed in the bathroom for another hour to make sure she was indeed gone, and then I slowly crawled out. I sat on the floor in the hallway for the rest of the night, bawling my eyes out.
I sent her a text the next day, saying how sorry I was. I hadn’t expected to hear back, but three days later I did. She said she wanted to meet. Now we were at coffee. I was in the middle of trying to explain my actions. She was sitting across from me and looking at me, expecting me to say something.
“I don’t know”, I said, looking down. I couldn’t meet her eyes.
“So you don’t know why it happened?”
“I’m not sure. I guess I needed closure, or something.” Kate knew about my past with Ashlyn. I had never hid from her the fact that I used to be in love with Ashlyn.
“Ali – look at me”, she said. I remained looking down for a moment and then slowly looked up. She was looking right at me. “And did you get your closure?”
“Yes.” I wasn’t sure if I had, but I knew any answer other than yes wouldn’t suffice.
“Can you promise me that this will never happen again?”
“Yes”, I said.
She was quiet for a moment and then said, “Look, Ali – I’m really hurt right now, and I really want to be able to tell you that it’s over between us, but I just can’t bring myself to break it off with you. I really like you, and we have something good going." She paused and then said, "I’m 30, and I’m not dating just to date. I’m looking towards my future. And maybe that future is still with you, but I want to be sure.“ She was silent for a moment and then asked, “Do you want your future to be with me?”
I nodded.
“Okay, then.” Kate sat quiet for a moment and then said, “Ali – like I said, this hurts. But we’ve been together almost a year. And before this it had been a good year. That’s not something I am inclined to turn away lightly, and if you’re sure that you want a future with me, then I am willing to give this another chance.”
“Thank you”, I squeaked out.
“Well, you’re a wonderful woman, Ali, and I’m willing to give this another shot. But it’s not going to happen overnight. We’re going to take a step back.” Kate was methodical. She was methodical, calculated, and she controlled her emotions well, all traits that made her good at her job. She was the youngest VP in her company, working in a profession that demanded keeping a cool head dealing with finances in a volatile market. I admired her poise as we talked. In fact, I couldn’t believe that we were even talking at all. If that had been me in her place, I don’t know what I would have done. But, I guess that’s the difference between me and her, and it’s one of the things I love about her. In fact, I don’t think she’s ever yelled at me, including even after what I pulled a few days ago. “I want to make sure that this is right, for both of us”, she continued. She dug into her purse and took the keys to my apartment that I had given her off her keychain.” I’m giving these back to you”, she said, and handed them across the table to me. “And I want mine back.” I looked up at her and felt a tear starting to well up in my eye. “Moving in is not happening, at least not yet”, Kate said. “Like I said, I’m willing to give this another chance, but we need to take a step back.”
“I love you, Kate”, I said as I handed her back her keys.
“Ali - I want us both to be sure that this is really what you want. And us taking a step back will give you time to think about what you really want and if this is really right for you.”
“It is.”
“No”, she said and put her hands up. “I don’t want an answer right now. We are going to take our time with this. I want you to really think about things. I want to be sure.” She put her hand over mine. “Give me a week to myself. Then you can call me and take me out, and we can go from there, but right now it hurts, and I need a bit of time to myself.”
“Thank you”, I said graciously. I couldn’t actually believe she was willing to even consider giving me a second chance, after what I had pulled. “It’s more than I deserve.”
“I believe in second chances, especially when it comes down to something important for the long run. But, more importantly, I want to make sure this is what’s right, for both of us.”
“Thank you again”, I said as she got up.
“Goodbye, Ali. You can call me soon”, she said, then kissed me on the cheek and left. I sat there and wiped the tear that had formed in my eye. So many thoughts were running through my head. I was bummed that I had fucked up with my girlfriend, but I was relieved that she was giving me a second chance. I felt like I should make a full commitment to making things right between us, even though I wasn’t sure that that was really what I wanted, just because she was being gracious enough to give me a second chance. On top of that, things are awkward with Ashlyn, the one person I thought would always be there for me. I wish I could talk with my best friend about my girlfriend problems, but it’s my best friend that caused my girlfriend problems. Actually that’s not true. I caused them, with my best friend, because I used to be in love with her. And maybe I still am in love with her. And now I’ve got problems with my girlfriend, and I’ve lost my best friend. That’s why I never took this plunge before, because I was afraid that if I took a chance, things were going to fuck up. And here I am.
********
6 years ago
Ashlyn’s POV
“Hey princess”, I said, looking into my laptop screen.”
“Hi stud”, Ali said. Her voice sounded tinny coming through my speakers, but still beautiful as always.
“So, you texted me that you have something you want to talk with me about?”
“Yeah – my transfer went through!” she squealed and clapped.
“It did?!” I half-asked, half-said, excitedly.
“Yup. I’ll officially be on the roster of the Chicago Red Stars in less than 2 weeks!” She smiled her brilliant smile at me and then said, “We’ll be together again!” I’ve been on the Red Stars for a few months now. Ali is on loan from Frankfurt and is pulling a mid-season transfer.
“Wow, 2 weeks? That’s fast”, I said.
“Yup. It all came together super fast. It’s gonna be a quick move. I gotta pack, find a place, etc.”
““Do you need help? Finding a place?”
“Uh, I don’t know. Maybe”, she said and then sighed. “I’m like, kind of overwhelmed right now.”
I thought for a moment and then said, “Why don’t you just stay with me?”
“What – you mean, like, live with you?”
“Yeah”, I said. It came out too quick. Was that too much? “Well, I mean, you can move in, at least for right now, and we can see how it goes. I mean, we don’t make a lot, and places are kind of expensive here. We can at least save some money for a bit.” I tried to make it about the money, to cover up my real reason for me wanting us to live together.
“Okay! Well, I mean, are you sure that would be okay?” I smiled and nodded, and then she said, “Awesome!” She was silent for a moment, and then said, “Hey stud, if it goes well, I mean, if us living together goes well…would you…I don’t know…maybe consider living together permanently? I mean, at least for however long we are both in Chicago?”
“Sure I would”, I said, and I saw her smile light up my screen.
“Really?” she asked and smiled back, that brilliant smile that always makes me melt.
“Yeah, really. Why?”
“I mean, we’d eventually have to look for a place together that has two bedrooms”, she said.
I winced inside but tried not to show it on my face. I wish we didn’t need two bedrooms. “True, but that would be cheaper than each of us getting separate one bedroom apartments.”
“That’s true”, she said. She was silent for a moment and then said, “You’d really be okay living together? Getting a place together?”
“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”
“I don’t know”, she said. “I guess, because, well, you’re kind of a free spirit.”
Because I’ve slept around. I bet that’s why she said that. Of course, she doesn’t know that the only reason I do that is because I can’t have her, the one I want. “Well, maybe I’d calm down if I had something nice to come home to every night.” Too much again?
She laughed. “Awwww…you’re sweet. Look, I just don’t want you to feel tied down, that’s all. I mean, it’s a commitment. Getting a place together, signing a lease, buying furniture, you know.”
I wanted to tell her that I wouldn’t feel tied down at all. That I would love to get a place with her. I would love to go apartment hunting with her, sign a lease together, move in together, buy furniture and kitchenware together, decorate together. It’s a commitment I would love to make. I wanted to say all of that, but I couldn’t. What if she read through all of that and saw right through me? That I’m in love with her, my best friend. At best, it would be awkward. I could see her telling me she doesn’t feel the same way about me as I feel about her, but that we could still live together as friends. At worst, she’d freaked out and I’d lose my best friend completely. I didn’t even want to think about that, but either way, I’d be reminded of heartbreak once again.
“I know”, I said. “And I’d be totally fine with that.” I tried to strike the balance between being excited so she would actually want to follow through with living together, without going too overboard and having her read into it and see my true feelings.
“Okay, well then I’ll plan on staying with you when I first arrive, and then we can take it from there”, she said. I imagined what that first morning would be like, waking up with her in my bed, having breakfast together, getting ready to go to practice together. Maybe having her here with me would be worth pain of not being together, just to see her beautiful face every day. We could do things together: drink our morning coffee, go shopping, walk around the park, go to dinner. It would be kind of like pretending we are a couple, even if we’re not. That would be nice, and then maybe, just maybe, it might even turn into us being a couple. Then a thought crossed my mind; what if she meets someone? What if she brings someone home? I’m not sure if I could bear that, even if we were in separate bedrooms. I ping-ponged back and forth between thoughts in my head while she continued talking.
“Ash?” Her voice brought me back to the present.
“What? Oh, yeah – we can see how it goes.”
“Ash…”
“Yeah?”
“What are you thinking about?” she asked, staring at me with her beautiful eyes. “I can tell you’re thinking. What are you thinking about?”
“Nothing”, I said. “Well, I guess I was just thinking about…you know, you move in and then you might end up hating living with me”, I covered up what I was really thinking about with that, and I laughed lightly.
She smiled her brilliant smile. “Nooooo…I doubt it. I mean, I’d get to be with you every day. How could I not love that?” She smiled wider, and I smiled back. It felt good to hear her say that, but it hurt as well.