Chapter 6
7 years ago
Ashlyn’s POV:
“So, it looks like you ended up making it out here after all”, Ali said.
“Yeah, it looks like.” It was my first week in Germany. Duisburg, to be exact. I had just signed a contract with FCR 2001. Ali was still playing in Frankfurt. She had come to visit me in Duisburg to help me get settled in before training for the season started. I hadn’t seen her since her last visit to the states. We still talked all the time, and she’s still my best friend. But, as I looked over at her unpacking one of my boxes, I thought a thought that has been a constant companion for me since that night in Frankfurt: she doesn’t want more, and it’s never going to happen.
“Hey, where’s that grey fedora?” she asked as she started unpacking my clothes.
“What grey fedora”, I said, although I knew exactly which one she was talking about.
“The one you used to wear all the time. You wore it Paris and in Frankfurt as well."
“I sold it to a thrift shop”, I said.
“Oh. I noticed you haven’t worn it the last couple times we’ve been with each other.”
“Yeah, I’m trying to switch up my look.” I had stopped wearing that hat after she had denied me in Germany. I had actually tossed it in the trash when Ali had dropped me off at the Frankfurt airport. I couldn’t look at it without being reminded of the single most heart wrenching moment of my life.
“Awwww, I liked that hat”, she purred. I looked at her and smiled. Of course I wasn’t going to tell her why I had gotten rid of it. “Anyway, it’s too bad you couldn’t come visit me earlier this year in Frankfurt. Ingrid and I would have loved to have had you with us over the holidays.”
I smiled slightly. Ingrid was Ali’s girlfriend. They had met a few months after Ali’s last visit to the states. Ingrid worked for a sports marketing company based in Frankfurt. Ali had told me about her. I tried to act like I was interested when she talked about her, seeing as how it’s my best friend talking about her girlfriend, but it hurts. “Yeah, it would have been nice”, I said. “Unfortunately I just couldn’t make it work.” In reality, I didn’t want to come out. I didn’t want to spend the holidays in the apartment of the woman I loved while she snuggled up with her girlfriend. So I lied and said I needed to spend the holidays back home in Florida with my family, and I promised to visit her and Ingrid soon. Basically, I’d just been trying to buy as much time as possible before I would actually have to make a visit, but as my luck would have it, the Flash transferred me to FCR 2001 in Duisburg. So here I am, back in Germany. “Well, I’m out here now.”
“I’m glad you’re here”, she said. She looked at me and smiled her dazzling smile as she started unpacking some dishes and putting them in the kitchen. I had a quick fantasy about us moving in together, and her unpacking dishes and putting them in the kitchen. Our kitchen, in a place that we had together. “Well, even if you’re not in the same town, we’re close enough. Now we can see each other a lot more that we have been able to in the last three years”.
“Yeah”, I looked at her and smiled. “It’ll be nice.” It would be nice, to be able to see her. Even thought she’s with someone else, it would still be nice to see her more than I have been. The two years since my visit to Frankfurt had done nothing to quell my feelings for her. I only feel complete when I’m around her. Without her I feel empty. It would be worth seeing her more even if it meant braving the pain of knowing that she’s with someone else, just to be around her more. That’s how much I’m in love with her.
********
“So, who’s throwing this party again?” Ali asked me as she looped her arm through mine.
“Tatiana, the FCR 201 manager”, I reminded her. Tatiana had invited me to her annual pre-season party. I didn’t really want to go. I’d rather spend the time alone with Ali, since I actually had her all to myself, and her girlfriend wasn’t within 100 miles of here, but I since I was the new girl on the team, and since I didn’t really know anyone yet, I figured I should make an appearance.
As we approached the house, Ali said, “Hey stud, can we talk about something later tonight?”
“Uh, sure”, I said. My senses heightened. This sounded like it could be serious. I wondered what she wanted. “Is it bad?” I asked. “It sounds serious, princess”, I said, and then smiled, trying to be light-hearted.
She laughed lightly. “No, it’s good. I think.”
“You think?” I wanted to pry more, but I could tell that she didn’t want to talk about whatever it was now, and we had arrived at the house. Tatiana greeted us at the door, and I introduced her to Ali. She ushered us in. There were about fifty people in attendance. Tatiana went to get us some drinks and then introduced me to the rest of the guests. As we went around the room, I introduced Ali as my friend, wishing I could put the word “girl” in front of “friend”.
“Excuse me, Tatiana, where’s the rest room?” Ali asked, as we finished making the rounds.
“Oh, right over there”, Tatiana said and pointed.
“Thanks”, Ali said to Tatiana and then turned to me. “Hey stud, I’ll be right back.” She still called me stud, and it still felt good but kind of hurt. Every time.
“You want me to escort you?” I asked her.
“No, I’ll be fine. I’ll be back in a minute.” It would have been nice for her to have said yes, please escort me, like we were together. Even though we weren’t, it would have been nice to pretend. She smiled at me, ran her finger down my forearm and then turned around. I watched her walk down the hall in her beige dress and brown heels.
“I love your tattoos”, a voice came from behind me and to my left. I turned and came face to face with a stunning woman with auburn hair and a nice smile.
“Thank you”, I said.
“I love the intricacy in the artwork”, she said. She took her finger and lightly traced a patch of black work on my forearm. Then she extended her hand. “I’m Greta”, she said, introducing herself. She spoke English with a cultured German accent.
“Ashlyn”, I said. We shook hands.
“Of course. You are the new American star goalkeeper. We are so glad to have you on the team.”
“Thank you.”
So, is that your girlfriend?” Greta asked, nodding towards the direction that Ali headed.
“No...um…she’s…just a friend.” I said, wishing I could say she was more.
“Lucky for me”, Greta said, and took a step closer.
For some reason I kind of don’t want Ali to see us talking, but, well, it’s not like Ali and I are together. Thinking about that hurts. “So, um, Greta, what do you do? Do you work for the team?” I ask.
“No, I’m a friend of Tatiana’s, and just a fan of the team. And now a bigger one”, Greta said with a smile, as she again touched my arm again.
“Hey”, Ali said, walking up to us. Of course, Ali walked up right when Greta touched my arm. My luck is awesome.
“Hey Al. Ali, this is Greta. Greta, this is my friend Ali.”
“Nice to meet you”, Ali said and smiled.
“And you”, Greta replied. “Your friend is magnificent”, she said to Ali, and then looked at me.
Ali smiled tightly. “I know. She is”, she said, and then she looked at me and widened her smile.
“Well”, Greta said. “I suppose I should, how do you Americans say, ‘mingle’, so I will leave you two.” She looked at me and said, “I’d like to take you out sometime soon.” Germans were forward.
I didn’t want to take the date. I wanted Ali to step in and say, “Actually Greta – we are together, and no, you can’t take her out.” I imagined Ali kissing me right in front of Greta, then taking me by the hand and leading me out of Tatiana’s house and back to my apartment. She would wrap me in her arms as soon as we stepped in the door, and then we would kiss. We would kiss, and she would tell me that she loved me, and that she was sorry it took her so long to realize that we were meant to be together. I would tell her that I’ve been waiting for her to say that, that that’s all I ever wanted, and that she doesn’t need to apologize, now that we are going to be together. I would tell her that I’m sorry I’ve been sleeping around, and that the only reason I’ve been sleeping around is to fill the void left by not having her. Then she would push me onto the bed and climb on top of me. She would start to take off my tie and then my shirt, but I would stop her. I would stop her and ask her if she’s sure that this is what she really wants, and she would say yes, I am sure. I really want this, I’ve wanted it all along, and I was stupid for not realizing it earlier. And then she would take off my shirt, and kiss her way down my stomach while her hands found their way to the button on my pants-
“Ashlyn?”
I came back to the present. Greta was standing there, her card in her hand.
“I’m sorry”, I said. I looked at Greta, then at Ali, and then back at Greta, and then back at Ali, and reality hit me once again. Ali is with someone. I’ll never be more than her best friend. And if it takes me going out on a date and possibly who knows what more with Greta or anyone else to forget that I will never be more than Ali’s best friend, than so be it. “Sounds good”, I said. I smiled and took the card. Greta smiled back at me and then walked away. I put the card in my pocket and then looked at Ali, who smiled at me wistfully.
“God, you’re a stud”, she said, and then looked down at her drink.
********
Ali’s POV
We got back to Ashlyn’s apartment. We changed for bed and then crawled in together. She only has one bed and at the moment no couch, so we have been sleeping in it together. I turned to face her in the darkness.
“Thanks for having me here”, I said. I could feel her turn towards me. We were less than a foot away.
“Thanks for coming to visit me. Next time, I’ll come visit you and Ingrid in Frankfurt.”
I winced in the darkness. The truth was that Ingrid and I were having problems. She’s kind, funny, smart and motivated, but she’s just not the one for me. The woman lying a foot away from me, facing me in the darkness, is the one for me. I had screwed up bad, and I wanted to make it right. I’d even moved apartments in Frankfurt, because I couldn’t stand living in the one I had been in when I had stonewalled whatever we could have had. Just being there reminded me of the biggest mistake of my life. I came to visit tell Ashlyn to tell her all of this. I wanted to tell her that I was breaking it off with Ingrid. I wanted to tell her that even though she's slept around a bit, I don’t care. Now that she’s here in Germany, we could be together. I was going to tell her tonight, after the party. I was going to get a few drinks in me to work up my courage, and then I was going to tell her that Ingrid wasn't the one for me, and then I was going to lay it out for her. I wanted to tell her that I was sorry, that I had made a mistake, that I loved her, and that we belonged together. I’ve missed her so much. The year apart since I last saw her in New York has done nothing to quell my feelings for her, and now that we live so close, distance wouldn’t be a factor. We could see each other often. I’d even be willing to do all the driving and come to see her if it meant that I got to see her. But none of that was going to happen now. She clearly doesn’t want a relationship, and I can’t bear the thought of her telling me that she doesn’t want to be with me.
“Hey, princess.”
“Hmmmm”, I said. She still calls me princess. And it still feels good. And it still hurts. Every time.
“What did you want to talk with me about?”
“Hmmmm?”
“Earlier tonight, when we walked up to the party. You said you wanted to talk with me about something. What was it?
This was it. This was the moment where I could tell her everything, tell her that I’m madly in love with her and that I want to be hers and that I want her to be mine. I started to open my mouth, but then the image of Greta touching Ashlyn’s arm popped into my head, and then I thought about Ashlyn taking Greta’s card, and then I thought about them going out on a date together, Greta gazing across the dinner table into Ashlyn’s eyes, Greta taking Ashlyn’s arm while they walked, Greta doing all of the things that I should be the one doing with my stud, and I clammed up.
“Nothing”, I said. “I’m just…I’m just glad that I got to see you this week.”
And that’s what I went with.