Chapter 7
Ashlyn’s POV:
We were in the locker room after practice. I hadn’t spoken to Ali all day, except for whatever we needed to say to each other on the field. I looked over and saw her quickly stuffing her belongings in her bag. I grabbed my bag, closed my locker and walked over to her.
“Hey”, I said.
“Hey”, she said, still packing. She didn’t look up at me.
“Can we talk?”
She continued to pack for a couple more seconds and then zipped up her bag and closed her locker. She turned around and looked at me. “Okay”, she said.
“Look, about last night…I’m sorry. I…I know you said you have a girlfriend, and I…I…I don’t know what I was thinking.”
“Well, I may not have a girlfriend anymore”, Ali said.
“W-w-what, wait…did you tell her?” I stammered out.
“She was there, Ashlyn”, Kate said. At first I thought she meant that Kate had been there in the parking lot, and my mouth dropped open, and then Ali said, “She was there in my apartment.”
“Wait – like, when you got home?”
“Yes, when I got home.”
“Oh my God”, I said.
“Yeah, ‘oh my God’ is right, Ashlyn.”
I sat there and stared at her for a moment. There was a bit of edge in her voice, and I kind of felt like she was coming after me, but I kept my tone level. “So…what happened?”
“I came out of the shower, bawling over what I had done, and there she was, in my living room. We have keys to each other’s apartments.”
“Wow…” I said. Keys to each other’s apartments. Their relationship was more serious than I had thought, although I guess I had no reason to have thought otherwise.
“We’ve been talking about moving in together. Now, because of what happened last night, Ashlyn, that’s not going to happen.”
“Wow”, I said again. I wanted to ask her what happened after that, but there was an undertone her Ali’s voice that told me not to. It was almost an accusatory undertone, as if what happened last night between us was my fault. “Well, I’m sorry again…for my part in last night.”
“Well, you should be”, she said.
“Well, I am”, I said, and then paused. Something in me snapped a bit, and I became on edge. Maybe I shouldn’t have said what I said next, but it came out nonetheless. “You know what? You had a part in that too, last night.”
“What did you just say?”
“You heard me. You had a part too.” I was getting angrier. All of the bad feelings were starting to come back. “It wasn’t all me.” I continued on, my voice taking on an edge. “It takes two people to hook up, Ali.”
“I cheated on Kate because of you!” she yelled. I jolted back. That caught me totally off guard. I looked around. Fortunately the locker room was empty by now.
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“I cheated because of you!” she yelled again.
“What, so last night was all my fault?”
“Yes!”
“And how is that, Ali? Huh?!”
“Because you broke my heart!” I stood there, stunned for a moment. “That’s right! You broke my heart!”
“Wait, what?!” My mind was reeling, trying to comprehend what she was saying. “What are you talking about?”
“You broke my heart”, she said again.
“W-w-w-how?”
“Because I was in love with you, and you didn’t want me.”
“I-I-I don’t understand”, I said, in shock. I didn’t know where this was coming from. “You’re the one who pushed me away, remember? Frankfurt? Your apartment? After the club?”
“Yeah I did, and I’m sorry, and I’ve regretted it ever since”, she said. Tears started forming in her eyes.
“Jesus, Ali. W-w-why didn’t you ever say anything?” I asked. Seeing her upset made me upset. Not like I wasn’t already upset. Tears had started forming in my eyes as well.
“Because you were sleeping with half the fuckin’ world!” she yelled at me.
“Wait – what did you just say?” I looked at her in disbelief.
“You were sleeping with half the world! You destroyed me, Ashlyn! It was killing me! All those times, all those other women”, she sobbed through sniffles and tears.
“Sleeping with half the world?! First off, it wasn’t that many people, and the only reason I started sleeping around was because the woman I loved wouldn’t have me!” I paused and looked at her as I saw that what I had just said registered in her eyes. She had never realized that I had been in love with her, just as I had never realized she had been in love with me. “Yes, that’s right! I loved you! I loved you too, Ali. I fell in love with you the first day I met you, and all I wanted was for us to be together, and when you kissed me in Paris, it was like the world lit up for me, even though I was so down in the dumps over losing us the biggest game of our lives. And then, when you rejected me in Frankfurt, I was devastated. It was like someone kicked me in the gut. My world just came crumbling apart, and I’ve been trying to put it back together ever since! All I’ve ever wanted was for you to want me like I want you. That’s why I started sleeping around, Ali. To fill the void of not having you in my life. I needed something, anything to distract me from the pain that the woman I loved didn’t love me back! So you broke my heart too!”
“Oh my God”, she said, as realization sunk in. We were silent for a moment, and then she said, “Well, at least you didn’t have to see the woman you loved sleeping with every other woman in the world but the woman who loved her.”
“You’re the one who pushed me away, remember? Stop making it sound like it’s all my fault!”
“It’s not, okay? It’s my fault!” she raged in my face. I stood still. “There, I said it. It’s my fault. You can fucking blame me! Is that what you want to hear?”
I stood there, silent for a moment, hurt rushing to my face. “Nooooo. Ali - that’s not what I want to hear. You think I want to blame you? Oh my God - I can’t believe you just fucking said that!” The tears came flowing down my face. “I never wanted to blame you. I wanted to hear you say you loved me.” I was quiet for another minute and then said, “I wish you would have said something.”
“I didn’t think you wanted a relationship.”
“I wanted one with you, Ali. God, you should have said something.”
She wiped her face with her sleeve, and then said, “I wanted to say something, so many times, I wanted to say something, but it was clear you didn’t want me, and I was afraid that you would say no, that you didn’t feel the same way, and that you’d freak out, and then I would have lost my best friend.” She paused and then said, “Why didn’t you say anything?”
“Because I was afraid too. I was afraid to tell you that I loved you, because I couldn’t bear the thought of you telling me that you didn’t feel the same way about me the way I felt about you, and that you would freak out, and then I’d lose you in my life, and I couldn’t bear the thought of not having you in my life, so I settled for taking whatever I could get from you.” More tears were flowing. “You fucking hurt me, Ali. You hurt me in Frankfurt and for the next four years after. That’s why I never called you when I left for Europe. I needed to forget all of the pain, leave it all behind, and I got the opportunity to go halfway across the world. And it hurt for a while, but then it got better, and I had finally got to a point where I was okay, and then I saw you yesterday and it all came rushing back.” Tears were flowing again. “So, I’m sorry I hurt you, Ali, but you hurt me too.” I looked at her through my tears. She was staring at the ground, wiping her eyes. “God, Ali, all I wanted was for you to change your mind and tell me that you loved me.”
“And all I wanted was for you to tell me you loved me, and to give me another chance to make things right”, she said. She paused for a second and then said. “That’s why I slept with you last night. I wanted to take back the biggest mistake of my life and give it a try.” She was silent for a moment, and then she said in a voice that was barely above a whisper, “I’m so sorry, Ashlyn.”
I stared at her through tears and then said, “I’m sorry too, Ali.”
We were both silent, wiping tears from out faces. “So, where does this leave us?” I asked.
“I don’t know”, she said. She was silent for a moment and then said, “I wish I could ask my best friend what I should do”, she said.
“So do I”, I said. I looked at her one last time, tears still streaming down her face, and then I hurried out of the locker room, wiping tears from my eyes.
********
Ali’s POV:
After Ashlyn and I had spilled our guts I got in my car and drove back to my apartment. Even after what I had just went through, I hoped Kate would be there, that we could talk things out, and that I could get at least one woman back in my life, but when I got back I was greeted by emptiness. I dropped my bag and sat down on my couch, overwhelmed with emotion, ping-ponging between thoughts of losing my girlfriend and thoughts of what had just happened in the last 24 hours between me and my former best friend.
I couldn’t believe what I had just heard. I’d never had any idea that she had ever been in love with me. Well, maybe for a hot minute in Frankfurt, but other than that, I never would have imagined that she had felt anything like what she had just told me. I could see the pain in her face and hear it in her voice when she told me that all of those times she slept with someone else was just to help her forget that she was in love with me and that I would never have her. It churned my gut to think about that.
Could Ashlyn and I make it work? I mean, I’m pretty sure I’m single now. It seems like she is too, otherwise I figured she would have said something by now. And for once we both actually live in the same city. More importantly, though, should we try? My mind swirled with thoughts. Part of me wanted to, even though I had just cheated on my girlfriend of almost a year, but part of me was reluctant. Maybe too much has gone down between Ashlyn and me. If it was supposed to happen then it should have happened by now. I hear people say sometimes that you have all the control in your life to make anything happen, but after what I’ve been though I feel like the world sometimes just throws you a curve ball, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Maybe we are better off as just friends. It may be too late to have a relationship, but maybe we can rebuild a friendship again. I’d like that. I hated losing my best friend. It hurt not to have her in my life, and it hurts to not have my best friend right now.
********
5 years ago
Ashlyn’s POV:
We were at the season kick-off party that the Red Stars threw at the opening of each season. It was Friday night, and the whole team was there. Pinoe and Carli had had just been signed to the Red Stars roster. I was returning for my second season. Ali had transferred mid-season last year, and she was returning for another season as well. With four members of the national team on our roster, we were the team to beat this year. The Red Stars had rented out a bar for the night, and everyone in the organization as well as members of the media and press were in attendance. The four of us were standing at a table, working our way through our second round of drinks.
After I had taken Ali out on a ‘fake’ date when she had first transferred to Chicago, we started spending more time together. We went shopping together, went for runs together, got coffee together. We even went for dinner together a few more times. It was kind of like being together, even more so since she way staying with me in my tiny one bedroom apartment and sleeping in my bed with me. We weren’t really together, but it was kind of like playing girlfriends. It was nice. Eventually, though, reality set in, and I realized once again that I was never going to have her. One night, after a game against Seattle, the team went out for drinks. Ali had skipped out since she had taken a hard tackle during the match and wanted to go home and ice her knee. At the bar I was approached by a good-looking brunette with long hair and nice eyes. I’d had a few too many drinks, and I ended up going home with her. I hadn’t actually hooked up with anyone since my fake date with Ali, but after that hookup, Ali and I stopped hanging out as much. I remember coming home the next morning and seeing the look on her face as I walked through the front door and she was at the breakfast table drinking her morning coffee. I almost felt like I had cheated on my girlfriend, and for some reason I got the feeling that she almost felt cheated on. For the next few weeks after that we continued to do stuff together, but that dwindled down and we stopped hanging out as much, so I started hooking up more frequently again. Ali moved out and got her own place. I cried the entire first night after. Sleeping in that bed without her once again just reminded me that I’d never be with her. Since she moved out we’d grown more distant. We still talked, but not as much. She stopped calling me stud. It always kind of hurt when she used to call me that, even though I also kind of liked it. Now I think it hurts more that she doesn’t call me that, and I want to get it back. Even though we’ll never be together, I want to at least get back to where we were before I hooked up after that game against Seattle.
“This is gonna be a great season”, Pinoe said. “The four of us together again.”
“I know, right? And at the club level? We’re gonna dominate!” Ali said.
“Ranked number one coming into this year”, Carli added. “And we’ve got the best defensive pairing in the league.” She looked at Ali and me and smiled.
“Hey - put ‘em up, guys”, Pinoe said. She raised her drink, and we all clinked glasses.
“So, who wants another drink?” Carli asked as she downed her last sip.
“Me”, Pinoe said.
“I’m good for now”, Ali said.
“Me too”, I said.
“Alright, we’ll be right back”, Pinoe said. She grabbed Carli’s hand and they made for the bar.
“Hey”, I said and smiled.
“Hey”, she said and smiled back. She was wearing a black cocktail dress and black suede open toe heels. She looked amazing, as always.
“Listen, I know we haven’t been as close as of late, but I’d like to get back to…you know, like, hanging out again.” I said.
She looked at me for a moment with her beautiful brown eyes and then said, “Yeah, me too”, she said, and my stomach fluttered, just like it had so many times before, anytime I got what I felt was a glimmer of hope for us. Maybe this time, this was the restart that I had been waiting for. I had actually been considering asking Ali out on another fake date. Maybe just to coffee or something. We could start slow, work our way back up to dinners, and then maybe, just maybe, I would tell her how I felt. I was still unsure of how I would handle rejection if that’s the way it went, and having to see her every day at practice, games and press conferences was weighing into my calculations, but since we weren’t hanging out as much these days, I’ve had time to think, and I had slowly been working my way back up to having the courage to ask her out, even if it was just on another fake date. Maybe I’d even ask her later tonight, after a few drinks and depending on how the night went.
“I miss you”, I said.
She smiled that beautiful smile that gets me every time, and she looked like she was about to say something when a familiar voice interrupted our moment alone together.
“Ashlyn?” I looked over. Tom Johnson, the team’s general manager, was approaching me.
“Hey Tom”, I said. I was annoyed at my moment alone with the girl of my dreams being interrupted, but it was my boss, so I had to play nice. “Great party”, I said.
“Thanks. Sorry to bother you, but do you have a minute?”
“Sure, what’s up?” I asked.
“Uh, let’s talk upstairs in the lounge, if that’s okay”, Tom said.
I looked at Ali, as if to ask a girlfriend for her permission so I could take her leave momentarily, and she smiled slightly and nodded.
“Okay”, I said, looking at Tom.
“I’ll bring her right back, Ali”, Tom said. Ali smiled at me and touched my arm. I smiled at her, wishing I could lean in and kiss her, and then I grabbed my drink and followed Tom upstairs. The lounge was an open area on the second floor of the club and it overlooked the bottom floor.
“So, what’s up?” I asked.
“Ashlyn, I’ve been talking with Tyreso FF”, Tom began. “They’re looking to offer up a trade. As you know, they’re gearing up for the European club championships, which are starting in two weeks. Ulsa Cederlund just went down with a shoulder injury last week. She’ll be out for the rest of the season.” I knew who Ulsa was. She was Tyreso’s keeper and a key component in their defense.
“Okay…” I let it hang.
“Tomas Skogsberg, Tyreso’s GM, is looking for a goalkeeper”, Tom continued. “Tyreso has a good shot of winning the championship this year, but they won’t do it without a strong keeper.” Tom looked right at me and then said, “He asked me about you, Ashlyn. He wants to bring you over.”
“Really?” I hadn’t expected that. I looked over at Ali. She was at the table by herself. Pinoe and Carli hadn’t made it back yet. I got momentarily lost in thought as I looked at her in her dress and heels, and that’s when I saw it. A tall blonde in a sharp pin-stripe suit came over to the table and stood right next to Ali. The club was loud, and I couldn’t hear what they were saying over the noise, but I saw the blonde say something and Ali laugh. The blonde offered her hand and Ali shook it. Then the blonde said something again and touched Ali lightly on the back. Obvious flirting. My gut clenched, and I took another sip of my drink.
“Yup. They want to bring you over”, Tom continued. “In exchange they’re offering us our choice of two of their players after their championships for our season this year. We’re coming in ranked number one this year, and we’ve got a good chance at winning the championship. Two Tyreso players would boost that chance. Now, as you know, we have the right to transfer your contract, but I wanted to talk with you first. You’d be a huge asset to Tyreso, but you’re also a key member of the Red Stars as well. So, I am going to leave it up to you to make the choice. If you left, we’d slot in Haley Comet to take your place.” Haley was the backup keeper for the Stars. “By the way, the money for you would be substantial.”
I stared at Tom, my wheels turning. When I set out for this party earlier I hadn’t expected to be talking about something like this tonight. “How substantial?” I asked.
“Like, three times substantial.”
“Wow”, I said. “Okay. So…what would happen if I said yes?”
“Well, we’d have to move fast. Like real fast. You’d have to leave tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow?”
“Yes, tomorrow. I know – it’s real fast, but they want you practicing with the team in three days. We’re holding a ticket at O'Hare in your name. You would leave tomorrow evening, arrive around noon the next day, take the rest of that day to settle in, and then you’d be on the field the following morning.”
“Wow, that is real fast.” I took another look at the table. The blonde has cozied up shoulder to shoulder with Ali and was running her finger along the shoulder strap of her dress. My gut clenched again. “What about all of my stuff here? My apartment, my car-“
“We’d make arrangements to take care of all of that. Re-rent your apartment, sell your car, ship out all of your belongings”, Tom said. “Tyreso has offered to cover the costs of an apartment for you, get you a car, and cover all costs to ship over your stuff.”
“Wow”, I said again. Star treatment. They must really want me. I haven’t always been the starting keeper, so the fact that Tyreso was extending such a generous offer was speaking to me. This really was an amazing opportunity. In fact, there was really only one reason I wouldn’t go. My mind was ping-ponging between thinking about that and thinking about what was happening down below. I looked at the table. Pinoe and Carli had made it back, and I saw Ali introducing them to the blonde. The blonde shook their hands and then put her hand on Ali’s back again. My gut clenched yet again.
“Look, Ashlyn, I’m sorry I had to bring this up here, in this setting, with such short notice and everything, but this came up so quick that we really didn’t have a choice.”
I looked at Tom and thought for a moment, then asked, “So, when do you need to know?”
“Tomorrow by noon”, Tom said. “Look – I know it’s a sudden move, but this is a chance for you to play in Europe on a team that’s got a shot at the club championship title. Let’s be frank – playing in Europe would elevate your game to another level. Now, obviously we’d miss you if you went, but this is a hell of an opportunity for you. And it’s just until the end of their season, which is only a month and a half from now. If you want, you can come back after the tournament and rejoin us mid-season for the rest of our season. You’ll have your starting place back, and we’ll pay you a full years’ salary. Then you could go back to Tyreso for their next season.” He looked at me for a second and then said, “Well, you have my number. Let me know, Ashlyn.” He smiled and then said, “Now get down there and enjoy the party.”
********
“Hey, where were you?” Carli asked as I rejoined the table.
“Oh, I was just talking with Tom about something”, I said.
“Everything alright?” Pinoe asked.
“Yeah, I’m good, I said.”
“Hey Ashlyn, this is Lauren”, Ali said.
“Hello Ashlyn, nice to meet you”, Lauren said. She offered her hand for me to shake.
“Hi”, I said. I shook it, and my gut clenched for the fourth time tonight.
“Lauren works in media relations for the Chicago Tribune”, Ali said.
“That’s cool. Do you like it?” Pinoe asked.
“Yes, I do”, Lauren said. “The pay is good, and I get to work with fabulous athletes”, she said, and then looked at Ali and again ran her finger along the strap of Ali’s dress.
“That’s great”, I said, as I finished my drink.
********
Pinoe, Carli, Ali, Lauren and I walked outside of the club.
“So, I wanna going dancing”, Pinoe said. “Who’s in?”
“I am”, Carli said.
Lauren turned to Ali. “Do you want to go?”
“Sure”, Ali said. She looked at Lauren for a moment, and then Lauren leaned in and gave Ali a quick kiss on the lips. Ali giggled and smiled at her, then looked at me. “Ash – you in?”
“No, I think I’m going to go home”, I said.
“Awwww, c’mon dude, you sure?” Pinoe asked.
“C’mon Ash”, Carli said. “It’s going to be a great season – let’s all start it off together with a bang.”
“No, I’m good guys, but thanks.” I felt tears start to well up in my eyes. I hailed a cab and started to get in. “You guys have fun”, I said as I got in.
“Alright, see you at practice on Monday”, Ali called after me.
I closed the door and the cab started off. Hearing Pinoe mention dancing while Ali was in front of me brought me back to Frankfurt, and then just seeing Ali kiss Lauren made me feel nauseous, and I couldn't be around that for one minute longer. I just can’t be seeing that. I can’t be seeing the woman I love kissing or being or doing anything in any way, shape or form with another woman. All of a sudden all of the heartache from the last five years caught up to me and came crashing down, and I just wanted to get as far away as possible. I looked back out of the rear window, and I saw Carli and Pinoe talking, and then I saw Lauren lean in and kiss Ali again. Ali smiled at her, and then turned and waved at me. Tears came pouring out of my eyes. I shut them hard, turned around and began sobbing uncontrollably.
“Are you okay?” the cab driver asked.
“Yeah, I’m fine”, I said, between sobs.
“Here”, the cab driver handed me a tissue. I took it and dabbed my eyes and wiped the tears off my face. I closed my eyes again, exhaled a deep breath, and when I opened my eyes I had made my decision.
Sweden, here I come.
********
Ali’s POV:
I stood there with Lauren and watched as Ashlyn got in the cab. She had been acting weird ever since she had returned from talking with Tom. Right before that, she had said how she missed me and how she wanted us to get back to seeing each other more. I was about to tell her that I missed her too, and I was kind of hoping that she was going to maybe ask me out to dinner again. Even if it was just as friends it would be nice. Then maybe we could start going out even more, and eventually it would turn into something more. But after she got back from talking with Tom, she had been silent for most of the rest of the night. Then, when we left the bar to go dancing, I was surprised to hear her say she didn’t want to come. She usually loves dancing. And I wanted to dance with her. I wasn’t really using Lauren to make her jealous – I mean, she’s pretty and she seems nice and all. The kiss she just gave me was just a harmless little kiss that she initiated, and Ashlyn probably didn’t even notice, or if she did, she probably didn't even care – but I thought that maybe having Lauren around tonight would motivate Ashlyn to make a move on me, because that’s what I really wanted. I wanted the girl that I want to want me back, to make a move on me and claim me as hers.
As the cab pulled away I saw Ashlyn turn around and look at us out of the back window. For some reason I got the sense that she was crying. I smiled and waved at her, and she turned around, not smiling or waving back. Something was wrong. We’d drifted apart in the last year, but I still felt it in my heart that she’s the one for me. I’ve dated a few people in the last five years, and every time I've meet someone I've started out with high expectations, but no one has ever compared to her. And no one ever will. Five years gone and I was still in love with her. As I watched her pull away in the cab, I made a mental note to talk with her when I saw her at practice on Monday.