Chapter 3
Ali’s POV:
It was weird seeing Ashlyn after all these years. We had been so close for the first five years we had known each other. Then she left me, and I hadn’t seen or spoken with her since. I guess in some small way I was relieved, since I needed time to think and sort things out for myself, but the truth was that it hurt when she dropped me from her life. No warning. No calls. Not texts, no emails, nothing. I could have tracked her down – I mean, she’s a professional soccer player, so she’s not exactly anonymous, but I didn’t want to do that. I wanted her to get in touch with me. After the first thirty or so unanswered tries of me reaching out to her, I figured she owed it to me to return at least one. When I had heard she was joining the Spirit my gut clenched. I had spent the last two weeks preparing myself to see her, but now, actually seeing her again, all of those feelings – the hurt, the anger, the feeling of abandonment, but also all of the other feelings I'd had for her - came rushing back. I don’t know why I needed to talk with her again one on one. Maybe I needed closure, or something.
After practice I held her to her saying that we would talk later, so we ended up at TJ’s Bar and Grill, a few miles from where we practice. It was a Monday night, and the bar was practically empty, so we had taken a table towards the back and were making headway through dinner and multiple rounds of drinks. We were in season, so I really shouldn’t be drinking, but I needed something tonight. I don’t drink that much these days, and I was feeling a little tipsy.
“So, when did you get back?” I asked her.
“Last week. The transfer happened fast.”
“And…how does it feel to be back?”
“Good, I think”, she said. “I’m still adjusting a bit though.”
I took a sip of my drink, trying to find a way to segue into the question that I really wanted to know. “And, did you enjoy it over there?” She had been playing soccer in Europe for the last five years, bouncing between various clubs. That’s kind of how it works for us.
“Yeah, um, it was great”, she said. She seemed hesitant, reticent, almost like she knew what I was going to ask.
“More than when we were there together?” I asked and raised my eyebrows to prompt an answer.
“Ali…”she said.
“Why’d you do it?” I asked her. She didn’t answer, so I kept on. “You just took off. One day you were there, and the next day you weren’t. I didn’t even know you were gone until three days after you had left. They said you had been transferred to Tyreso, and that you had already left the country.” I waited for her to say something, but she looked down and remained silent. “Ashlyn, what happened? You didn’t tell me. You never called. You never texted. Not one message, nothing from you.”
“Look, Ali-“ she began but I cut her off.
“I must have sent you thirty calls, texts and emails, and you couldn’t return one?” I stared at her and let it hang. I wanted an answer. She sat silent for a moment, then looked up at me. “So, what - were we one and done?”
“What?”
“Our hook up, remember? In Paris? So then, what was it? You hooked up with me and then just took off?
“No, Ali, that’s not how it was”, she said.
“Then how was it?” I stared at her. After five years of nothing, I wanted an answer. She sat there, silent for a moment, staring down at her drink, and then spoke.
“Look, I’m sorry I didn’t call. I’m sorry I didn’t text, or email. I really am.” She smiled slightly at me in apology, and I smiled back. “I just needed time and space to figure things out for myself.”
“Time and space away from your best friend?” I said. “I mean, I am your best friend, right? Or was, or used to be, or whatever?”
She nodded. I could tell she felt bad about dropping me from her life, and I softened up.
“Hey, I’m sorry about what I just said about us being one-and-done. I didn’t mean it like that.” I paused and then said, “I guess I just, well, I guess I was just, I don’t know. Hurt I guess. I mean, we were so close for so long, and then you just up and left one day. I guess I felt abandoned.” We were silent for a moment, and then I looked at her and smiled a bit in an attempt to lighten the mood. “Well, I guess I got over it. I figured, maybe, you were just too busy over there, slayin’ the ladies and all, to keep in touch”, I said in a lighter tone.
“No, not really”, she said and looked at me. “And, I mean…it’s not like you couldn’t find company.”
I smiled. “I guess not, but, well, you know…I missed your company.”
“Ali-“ she began, but I cut her off.
“It’s okay. I mean, it doesn’t matter now. We’re both here…” I paused and let it hang. She looked at me, and then said it. “And, um...just so you know...I’m with someone.”
She stared at me for a second and then said, “Wow, okay. Well, um…what’s the story?”
“Her name is Kate. We met at the grocery store, of all places. We were in the produce section. She recognized me and we started talking. She asked me out right there, and we’ve been together every since.”
“Wow”, she said again.
“I guess you would have known that if you had kept in touch.” She smiled a bit but didn’t say anything, so I kept on. “I thought best friends were supposed to keep in touch”, I said, part ribbing, part serious.
She exhaled, then looked at me and said, “Have things ever worked out the way they’re supposed to with us?”
********
9 years ago
Ashlyn’s POV:
“Hey you”, I said as I picked up the phone.
“Hi stud, how’s it going?” Ali’s voice came through the receiver.
She had started called me stud, ever since our night together in Paris last year. It made me smile. It made me smile and it made me burn. We’re not together, but every day I hope that will someday that will change. After that night, we woke up tangled in my bed the next morning, but we didn’t talk about what had happened. And we haven’t talked about it since. When we left the hotel we hugged a prolonged hug, and then she gave me a quick peck on the lips. I didn’t know if she wanted to do more but didn’t because the team was around us, or because maybe that had been a one-time thing for her, but for whatever reason, that was where we left it. Ali went back to Germany, where she played for Frankfurt. I went back to the states for my last year as a Tar Heel. I haven’t seen Ali since then. We've talked on the phone a lot and Face Timed each other sometimes, but other than that it had been almost a year since I’d seen her in person. She’s become my best friend, which I love, but it also kind of hurts, because I want more.
“I’m okay”, I say. “How’s Germany treating my princess?” I had started calling her princess. The stud and the princess. You’d think we were together, the way we talk to each other sometimes. But we’re not.
“Things are good”, she says.
We talk for a little while, and then I said, “So, I have a bit of time off between my transition to the Freedom. I was thinking about maybe visiting you in Germany for a few days, or a week, or something.”
“That would be great!” Ali said. She sounded enthusiastic.
“Awesome. I’ll book my flight and let you know when I’m coming in.”
“Yay!” she almost squealed into the phone. “See you soon, stud.”
“Bye, princess”, I said. I hung up the phone and smiled.
********
Two weeks later Ali and I were at a club in Frankfurt. I’d been there for almost a week and was headed back to DC the next day. I’d been staying in Ali’s small apartment. There was only a small couch as furniture, so we’d been sharing her bed. Nothing had happened, but it had been a fun week anyway. We’d been shopping, sightseeing, running together and going out to eat. We hadn’t been holding hands or anything, but it was just nice being around her. Ali had been training, but she wasn’t in season yet, so for my last night in town we went to a club near her place to have a few drinks and do some dancing. We grabbed a table near the back and ordered some drinks.
“Busy place”, I said. The joint was crowded with lots of 20-30 somethings.
“Yeah, it’s a popular place”, she said. Then she leaned in. “It’s a prime place for hooking up.” She winked at me and smiled.
I smiled back. That would have been a good segue into me asking her if she had been on any dates or if she had been seeing anyone in the last year, but we’ve never talked with each other about seeing anyone else. She’s never asked me, and I’ve never asked her. We’ve also never talked about us. For some reason it makes me feel weird every time I think about talking about that with her. I figured maybe we shouldn’t start in on the deep stuff right now. Might be best to just enjoy our last night together. Our drinks came, and we sipped in silence for a moment.
“I’m glad you’re here.” She looked at me with her beautiful brown eyes, those eyes that I could just fall into forever and never come out. “I’ve missed you.”
“I’ve missed you too.”
“It’s just not the same without you around.”
“I know. I feel the same way.”
Ali tipped back the last of her drink and then stood up. She grabbed my hand and said, “C’mon , stud – let’s go dance.” I tipped my drink back, and off we went. She lead me onto the dance floor and grabbed my hands. We danced like that for a few minutes, and then she turned her back towards me and backed up into me. We were dancing close. I had my hands on her hips. We danced like that for a while and then she turned around to face me. I looked into her eyes and then looked down. She was wearing a low cut dress. I could see right down, and I started to breathe a little heavier. I thought about our time together in Paris. She took the fedora off my head and placed it on her own, and then put her arms around my neck. She pulled me in close.
“Hi”, I heard her say over the music.
“Hi”, I said back.
We danced like that for a while, and then she asked, “Do you want to get out of here?” I nodded my head. We closed our tab and left.
I was feeling a little tipsy as we stepped outside, and I reached for her hand. She took it and smiled at me, and we held hands for the first time since Paris. We walked hand in hand back to her place, and she unlocked the door. We went inside, and as soon as she tossed her keys onto the table I turned her towards me and put my arms around her neck. I felt her hands go to my waist, and then I planted a kiss on her lips. I’d wanted to do that since the moment I had arrived, but I’d been afraid. Afraid of what might happen if she didn’t want this. I’d been trying to read the signs all week, but I just hadn’t been able to. I know we’re friends. Best friends. I just can’t tell if we’re more, and I desperately want to be. I felt her lips meet mine. This was really happening. It was meant to be. We’re going to be together. I went to deepen the kiss. I push my tongue into her mouth, and that’s when I feel her face pull away from mine.
“Al?” I breathed.
She looked at me but didn’t say anything.
“Al, what’s wrong?” I began.
“Nothing”, she says, her hands still on my hips.
“Did you want…do you not want to…”
“I-I-“ she began and then paused.
“I’m sorry. I thought you wanted this…”
“I…I don’t know”, she said.
I stood there, stunned. I felt like someone had just kicked me in the gut. “I’m sorry”, I said again. “I just thought that…well, we were dancing together, and then we held hands as we left the club, and we’ve done it before…”, I started rambling.
“I know”, she said and looked down.
I took my hands and cupped her face. “Ali, look at me”, I said. She paused for a second and then slowly lifted her eyes to meet mine. “Talk to me”, I said.
“Look, Ash…I-I-I don’t know what I want.”
I felt a sickening feeling start to creep in. “Look, Al…I’m so sorry…” I began.
“Ash, no. Look, I mean, it’s just that…”, she exhaled a deep breath. “I guess I just mean that, well, you’re m-“
“I know, I’m your best friend”, I said. I took my hands off of her face and looked down at the ground. I knew where this was going. It wasn’t going to happen. It wasn’t meant to be. I felt the world starting to cave in on me. I tried to contain my breathing. “I’m your best friend, and you don’t want this, and this is just a mistake”, I said, hoping more than anything that she would correct me and say that it wasn’t.
“Ash – look at me”, she said. She took her hands off of my hips, put a finger to my chin and lifted my head up. “You don’t need to apologize. This isn’t a mistake, and Paris wasn’t a mistake either.” She paused for a moment and then said, “I’m sorry if I lead you on, and I think you’re amazing, but…I don’t know…we’re teammates, and more importantly, you’re my best friend, and…I just don’t want to do anything that might screw that up.” She looked at me for another second and then smiled slightly.
I smiled back. Not at the result, but at least the tension had started to dissipate. “Yeah, I know. Me too”, I said. We stayed there for a moment, smiling at each other, and then I pulled her into a hug. She nuzzled her face against me, and I could feel her breath on my neck. I could smell her scent, and a tear formed in my eye. She pulled away and looked at me.
“You’re crying”, she said, as she wiped my tear with her finger.
“I know”, I said, as another one formed. “It’s just that…well, you mean so much to me.” More than she would ever know, and more than I would ever mean to her.
She smiled. “You mean so much to me, too”, she said, and then took my hands in hers. “C’mon, stud. Let’s go to sleep”, she said. “You’ve got an early flight tomorrow.”
I smiled back, mouthed “okay” and then let go of her hands. We changed for bed, and then she turned off the lights, and we crawled into her bed together. She fell asleep, her arm draped over my body and her head nuzzled into my shoulder, and I stared at the ceiling and fought back another tear.
********
Ali’s POV:
I laid there in the bed with Ashlyn, feigning sleep, my arm draped over her chest and my face nuzzled into her neck. She had initiated the kiss thirty minutes before, and I don’t exactly know why I stopped it. She’s my national teammate, and more importantly, she’s my best friend, but still I don’t know exactly why. Part of me wants more with her, but part of me is afraid. Maybe it’s because I’m in Germany, all alone. I haven’t made any close friends out here. I need my friends, and I especially need my best friend. Maybe it’s because I’m afraid of trying a long distance relationship, and if it failed, I’d lose not only my girlfriend but also my best friend, and then I’d be even more alone. I’ve never had a better friend, and it scares me to think about losing her. Maybe if we had been in the same town then I would have been more willing to try, but, I mean, it’s not exactly like multiple offers for multiple millions are rolling in, and I have a choice of where I play, and therefore where to live. I kind of have to take what I can get. Same goes for her. And somehow, friendships seem to deal better with distance than romantic relationships. I’ve never lost a friend due to distance, but I know plenty of people who’ve had failed relationships over distance. And so I shut it down. And, as I laid there, unable to sleep, I wondered if I had made the right decision.