Chapter 4
Ashlyn’s POV:
We left the bar and walked to our cars, which were parked right next to each other, the only two cars in the lot. I unlocked my car and then turned to face Ali. We stood between our cars, facing each other.
“Thanks for dinner tonight”, I said. Ali had paid for me. I hadn’t expected that.
“You’re welcome”, she said and smiled. “I’m glad we got to reconnect.”
“Me too”, I said and smiled slightly back.
“It’s nice to see you again.” She was staring at me, and I felt my stomach hitch. I took a step closer.
“It’s nice to see you too”, I said. Then without thinking I reached out, and my hands went to her hips. She looked down, and then I felt her put her hands over mine.
“Ash – I have a girlfriend....”, she trailed off.
My stomach tightened, just like it had when she had mentioned it at dinner. That feeling of someone kicking me in the gut came right back, even after all the time that had passed, I stared at her for a moment and then said. “I’m sorry…”
“No, no, no – it’s not your fault”, she said quickly. We stayed there for a moment. Then, I took my hand and moved it up to her chest.
“Ash…” she said, as my hand made its way north. She looked at me with her beautiful brown eyes, those eyes that always drew me in. I slowly traced her collarbone with my index finger.
“Tell me to stop”, I breathed. I know she said she has a girlfriend, but I couldn’t help myself. After all these years, I finally had found the courage to make another play for the one that I had always wanted.
She looked at me for a moment longer and then said, “I don’t want you to stop”, and with that I grabbed the back of her neck and slammed her lips into mine. We stayed like that for a hot minute, tongues dancing, and then I reached back, opened my driver’s side door, and pulled her into my car.
********
I laid on my back, sprawled out on the back seat of my car. Ali was on top of me. Sweat glistened on our bodies. I stroked her hair softly as she rested her head on my chest.
“Hey”, I whispered.
She didn’t respond, so I said, “Hey” again. She didn’t answer so I asked, “Hey princess, are you okay?”
She raised her head and looked at me. Something came over her. I could see it in her eyes. The passion and desire that had been there just five minutes ago had changed to something more serious. She moved a bit closer to me, and at first I thought she was going to kiss me again, but instead she said, “What happened here can’t leave this car.”
“Al?” I said. She started to get up off of me. “Wait, Ali.”
“I have to go”, she said”, as she hurriedly put on her clothes.
“Wait Ali, w-w-what is it?” I said again. I tried to grab her hand but she pulled away from me, opened the door and backed out of my car. “Ali, please-“ I started, as she got in her car and drove off.
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8 years ago
Ali’s POV:
“It so nice to be back in the states”, I said as I took Ashlyn’s arm. We were in New York City for the weekend. It was Ashlyn’s first year out of college, and she was playing for the Western New York Flash. I was visiting the states from Germany for the week. Pinoe and Carli were free for the weekend, so we all decided to meet up in the big city for dinner. We haven’t all been together in like a year, since the last tournament that we all played together in for the national team, so this was a rare chance for us to all see each other. Ashlyn and I had arrived in New York City earlier today, and now we were walking to the restaurant, just a few blocks from our hotel. “Are you happy to have me back, stud?” I asked flirtatiously. I looked over at her and smiled.
She looked over at me and smiled. “Of course I am”, she said, and touched her index finger lightly to my lips. “Are you happy to be back?”
“Yeah”, I said, as I continued to look at her. She was wearing a black suit with a white shirt and red suspenders, and she looked striking as always. I nuzzled my head against her shoulder as we walked. I was looking forward to seeing Pinoe and Carli again, but I was most excited to be with Ashlyn. This was the weekend I was going to make things right. “So, I was thinking, maybe you can come visit me in Frankfurt again?” I said, in a question that was more of a statement. I really wanted her to come back there. I wanted a do-over. Out loud I said, “We can make it like a switch-off thing. For as long as we’re not living in the same city, we can take turns visiting each other.”
“Um, yeah. I’d like that”, she said, and then added, “I’ll just have to see where I am next year, or where you are, and um, yeah…we can go from there.”
I smiled at her and gave her a kiss on the cheek. “Okay, stud”, I said. She smiled back, and I felt butterflies in my stomach.
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Ashlyn’s POV:
Dinner was great. The food was fantastic, it was wonderful to see the girls, and Ali looked dazzling in her red dress and matching heels. We ate leisurely, drank lots of wine, and then ordered dessert.
“God, it’s so awesome to hang with you guys again”, Pinoe said, as dessert arrived. She opened another bottle of wine and topped off everyone’s glass, then turned to me. “So Harris, what’s up with this girl you hooked up with a few weeks ago?”
“Oh, it’s nothing”, I said. I had been chatting on the phone with Pinoe about a week ago and had told her about some recent hookups that I’d had. I hadn’t mentioned anything to Ali. We’ve never talked about that stuff to each other, us with other people. I was hoping that Pinoe wouldn’t bring it up, but I couldn’t exactly tell her not to, because then she would ask me why she couldn’t bring it up, and then it would spiral from there.
Ali stopped eating. “Wait – what’s this?” she said and looked at me.
“You don’t know about this?” Pinoe looked at Ali, and then at me. “You didn’t tell her?” I shook my head, and then Pinoe looked back at Ali. “Harris is, like, slayin’ the ladies out here in Nueva Yorka”, Pinoe said.
I laughed modestly. “No, I’m not. It was just a few.”
“A few? More like half a dozen, that’s what you told me, right, Harris?” Pinoe looked at me for verification, and she nodded in the affirmative when my silence confirmed it. It was true. I had started sleeping around a bit since I got back from Germany. I needed to take my mind off the fact that I was in love with my best friend, who would never love me back. Soccer had been gaining popularity, and since I played for the Flash, I was somewhat recognizable. Hence, I get hit on relatively often these days. Of course I’d rather have Ali than sleep around, but the latter was better than nothing. I’ll take anything I can for however long I can get it, if it distracts me from the fact that I can’t have the one I want. But I was afraid to tell her this. What if she freaked out? At best, it would be awkward. I imagined her telling me that she doesn’t feel the same way about me as I do about her, but that we could still be friends. At worst, I’d lose my best friend. I imagined it going down that way, the look on her face, stunned and disbelieving, and then her walking away from me forever. I can’t bear the thought of not having her in my life, so I resigned myself to playing it safe, not rocking the boat, and doing whatever I needed to do to keep her in my life.
“I’m surprised you don’t know about this”, Pinoe said to Ali.
“Pinoe – not everyone is as obsessed as you are with everyone else’s personal lives, alright”? I looked at Ali and smiled slightly. “Al and I have other things to talk about.”
“Whoa, Harris”, Pinoe said. “Alrighty, then. Didn’t mean to touch a nerve there.”
Evidently I had come off a little testier than I head meant to. I recovered quickly and laughed for show. “It’s all good, Pinoe. I’m just sayin’.”
“Well, alright, cool”, Pinoe said. “Hey Carli – how’s Brian doing?” she asked, and Carli took the floor. She started reminiscing about how she used to visit Brian when he was in med school, and I thought about how Ali had mentioned earlier that she wanted me to visit her again in Frankfurt. Even just thinking about going back to the place where the woman of my dreams had shut down whatever we might have had was enough to make me feel queasy. I could only hope that, when it’s my turn to visit her, she’s somewhere far away from Germany.
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Ali’s POV:
After dinner, I took Ashlyn’s arm and we walked around Manhattan for a bit. We talked about trivial things, but the whole time, I was thinking about what Pinoe had said. Ashlyn had slept with multiple women since I had last seen her. I had almost spit out my chocolate torte when Pinoe had first mentioned it at dinner. My appetite had gone right out the door when Ashlyn had confirmed it. I had forced myself to eat a bit more of my cake, but the whole time my stomach was in a knot. Part of me had wanted to go right back to the hotel and cry in the bathroom. But, a bigger part of me wanted to spend as much time as possible with Ashlyn, so I suggested that we walk around for a bit. Over the last year I’ve realized one thing – I only really feel complete when I’m with her.
It had been my doing. I had been the one to halt whatever might have taken place between us. After Ashlyn had left Germany, all I could think about was whether or not I had made the right decision. We continued to talk on a regular basis. She was still my best friend, but after a few months, I had realized that I had not made the right decision. I should have taken a chance. That’s why I came back here to visit. Yes, I wanted to see Pinoe and Carli, but what I really wanted to do was talk with Ashlyn in person.
I wanted to tell her that I was sorry. I wanted to tell her that I had made a mistake, and that I wanted to give us a shot, even with the distance. I had planned on talking with her after dinner, after we had said our goodbyes to Pinoe and Carli. I had booked us one hotel room with two beds, but I had planned on only using one. I just didn’t want to give anything away before we talked, which is why I hadn't booked a room with just one bed. I imagined us talking, me saying how sorry I was and that I realized I had made a mistake, her melting into my arms and saying that she forgives me, tears flowing down both of our faces. We would engage in the most glorious kiss ever, and then she would take me and lead me to one of the beds. We’d spend the night making love, and I would fall asleep in her arms. We’d wake up the next day and make plans right away for her to visit me in Germany so I could show her around the right way, together. That had been my plan – to tell her in person that I had made the wrong decision, to ask her to give us a shot, and then have her back to Germany and do it right. But now, that wasn’t going to happen. I had missed the window of opportunity, and clearly she’d moved on. She’s been with six women in the last year. She’s obviously not interested in having a relationship, and I can’t be with her if she’s with other women. There’s no way I’ll take the chance now and tell her how I really feel. And, just say I did. What if she freaks out? Then I’ll lose my best friend, and I can’t not have her in my life. I can’t even imagine what that would be like. And I’m going to do whatever I can to make sure that I’ll never have to find out.
After walking around for a bit we walked back to our hotel. We got into our room and I tossed my purse on the table. I felt like shit, and my neck was hurting me so I started to rub it, and that’s when I felt her come up behind me.
“Hey, you okay?” she asked as her hands went to my neck. I could feel her breath on my bare shoulders.
“Yeah, I’m okay”, I said. I was facing away from her, and I felt a tear form in my eye. I held it back and said, “My neck just hurts, that’s all.” She continued to massage it for a few minutes, and then she turned me around to face her. She took my hands in hers.
“Hey, Al”, she said. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about my hookups.” I just stared at her, so she continued. “I mean, I didn’t think you would really, uh, I guess, care, and, well, I thought maybe it wasn’t worth mentioning.”
Of course I would have cared. Of course I would have cared about knowing that the woman I’m in love with was hooking up with other women. But I couldn’t say that. Definitely not now. We’re past that. Well, she’s past that. I’m in love with her, but she obviously doesn’t want a relationship. So I just smiled back and said, “You don’t need to apologize. You don’t owe me anything on that front.” I paused for a moment and then said, “I mean…you’re a total stud. Who wouldn’t want you?” I squeezed her hands. “It-“ I started but then stopped.
“What, princess?”
She still calls me princess. It makes me smile. And it makes me hurt, since we’re not together. “I was going to say “It’s not like we’re together”, but I don’t think I could have gotten that out without bursting into tears. So I said, “Nothing”, and smiled.
She smiled back. “Well, I can keep you informed if you’d like”, she said, I think jokingly.
“No, that’s okay”, I said. “I don’t need to know.” I really didn’t.