FBI Barbie complete with badge and gun (with Kelly!)
“Aren’t you two a little young to be FBI agents?” mrs. Bines looks oddly at the two young women at her door. “For that matter why is the FBI investigating lion attacks. Isn’t that more a federal forestry and wildlife commission thing?”
“That’s what I said.” Claire grumbles, putting her badge away. “But nooo, send the new girls to deal with the interdepartemental bullshit. Have they been by yet?”
“Language.” Krissy smacks her arm as Mrs. Bines shakes her head. “Jo will kill me if our son comes out cursing like a sailor because you can’t keep it PG.”
“Oh, you’re pregnant too?” Mrs. Bines smiles at her. “Can you believe it? They still don’t know why that whole infertility crisis stopped and started. The obstetrician is having me fill out all these forms and questionairres about what I’ve been doing or not doing trying to find out if I did anything special. Some people have just argued that it was nothing but a giant statistical anomaly. What about you?”
“She got chased down by storks.”Claire grins at her partner who gives a sigh. “Can we come in? If there are excessively hostile mountain lions around I’d rather not chat out in the open.”
“Right. No. Come in.” Mrs. Bines ushers them in looking around. “What were your names again?”
“I’m Agent, Bild. you can call me Lilly. This is my partner Marge Gunderson.” Claire nods to Krissy who just shoots her an unamused look now that Ms. Bines isn’t looking her way.
“So, your husband was in the driveway?” Krissy asks as Claire takes out her notepad. “When he got mauled by a mountain lion?”
“Ex. Ex husband.” She corrects. “And it wasn’t a mountain lion,it was a lion-lion. I told them that but they seem to think I can’t tell the difference between the two.”
“It’s kind of hard to confuse them, what with the mane and all.” Krissy sits down in the recliner, putting her feet up. “Ohhh, we need to get one of these for your sister’s place.”She sighs, leaning back.
“Will you sit up straight.”Claire hisses. “This is why no one takes us seriously.”
“Yeah, sure, and not because we look like co-eds on barelylegal.com.” Krissy rolls her eyes. “Over ten years and we’re still getting carded. It’s starting to be irritating.”
“It won’t be in another ten.”Mrs. Bines sighs. Hers is obviously a late in life pregnancy.
“My apologies, little miss legacy doesn’t understand the meaning of professional conduct.” Claire bends down, turning the lever on the recliner back down.
“It’s alright. And it didn’t have a mane actually. It was a lioness. But still I can tell an african lioness from mountain lion.” She gives an irritated scowl. ‘And honestly, I’d give the thing a big fat steak if I could. He was trying to break down the door and ‘beat the bastard out of me’ his words. It’s not his and neither am I,not that he cares or that the police would have gotten here in time to keep him from doing it. I’m unfortunately very familiar with police response times. We’re kind of out of the way. Plus they tend to take their time when it comes to these things. Got here quick enough when he was in trouble though, assholes.” She scowls, then puts a hand to her mouth. “Oh,sorry. How far along are you?”
“About… six weeks?” Krissy pulls out her ultrasounds, name blacked out. “See. He’s that little jelly bean in the middle there.”
“Awwww.” Mrs. Bines coos over it in a way Claire does not understand at all.
“So, an african lion. That makes sense.” Claire comments.
“I don’t see how.”
“Well, with the infertility crisis, several cults have sprung up dedicated to pagan fertility gods and goddesses. We think that maybe one has sprung up here and is maybe training animals to use as attack dogs. You know, as a symbol of their diety protecting pregnant women?”
“There was one in Missouri that used falcons.” Krissy pipes up. “Clawing out people’s eyes. Very nasty. maybe not being mauled by a lion nasty but still. Now, I know you’re a very devout catholic,” she nods to the overtly religious decor. “But have you maybe purchased any charms or talked to anyone about badly wanting to keep this baby? Or maybe even about the risk posed to you both by your ex husband.” Krissy leans forwards.
“No. I didn’t even tell anyone I was pregnant yet. I don’t know how he found out, honestly. Maybe he saw me go to my appointment but beyond that.” Mrs. Bines sighs.
“Did you see anything unusual? A collar, a symbol, a smell,anything out of place in the area.”
“You mean besides an african lion.”Mrs. Bines responds dryly. “No, not really. Kind of looked like it was wearing eyeliner, though.” She makes a face at the memory. “It was probably just shadows.”
“Thank you. If you think of anything else, please call me and let me know.” Claire hands her a business card.
“Animal control is out looking for it… if… even if it isn’t trained, you won’t… you won’t let them kill it will you? I mean, it did kind of save my and my baby.” She asks hopefully.
“If we have any say in the matter at all, we’ll try to have it taken alive.” Krissy reassures her. “Do we have to leave yet? This chair is so comfortable. Where’d you get this?”
“I don’t even remember.”
“Do you mind if I take a look around the property?” Claire asks.
“No, go right ahead.”
“Marge, have Mrs. Bines show you around the house, maybe they hid a token somewhere or a calling card.” Claire puts her hand on Krissy’s shoulder as she takes the ultrasound back.
“Alright.” Krissy sighs and gets out of the comfy recliner as Claire heads outside. “Show me around the house? Starting with the nursery? I need some ideas. Do you know what you’re having?”
“Sure. I have it all set up already. They think it’s a boy, the father’s family usually has boys, but I’m fairly sure it’ll be a girl. What are you hoping for?”
“Well, I suppose I don’t really care., but I’m fairly sure it’s a boy. As long as it’s not a major jerky poopyhead like it’s uncle, I’ll be happy.”
“Brother or brother in law?”
“In law.”
“Ah,well it happens.” Mrs. Bines commiserates. “My obstetrician’s stuck with his sister in law while his brother is overseas. She lost her baby some riots before this first started, poor thing.”
“She didn’t go with him?”
“No. He’s stationed in egypt and she’s kind of…” Mrs. Bines tries to find a diplomatic way to say it, “Sweet but not all there. And the mental health system over there isn’t the best. The army base isn’t much better. But working with her brother in law seems to be helping her a bit.”
“That sucks,” Krissy shakes her head.
“How old are you anyways?”
“Thirty four." Krissy lies with ease. Mrs. Bines just stares at her. "What can I say, good genes? Lily and I are cursed with terminal baby face. Oh my god look at that crib, where did you get this. Hold on, I have to send Jo a picture." She takes out her phone successfully distracting Mrs. Bines from the conversation.
Claire walks around the edge of the property. Nothing really stands out. No marks, mounds, burnt places, sigils, wards, glitter. Not that there would be, really she just wants some privacy.
"Hey, honey." She talks into the phone when Hel picks up. "No, she's fine. I don't know but Krissy showed up with a case and intended to go whether I went or not so... do you have any treaties or alliances with any goddesses that turn into African lionesses? A lion is mauling the abusive husbands and lovers of pregnant women and I don't want to make things needlessly awkward for you." She rubs the back of her neck. "No, no, honestly I'm fine with it, but it's got to stop before other hunters get involved. I really hope they haven't already... oh, dear god no, don't send Rhys... No, I know, but not really in the mood for his nekked butt on my hotel bed eating all the food in town again.
"Oh, hey, that reminds me, I've been meaning to ask you, do you know any humans in the supernatural community who are looking for a date or two? Alex is kind of despairing because the nice officer's son she's been dating fell victim to a little prank... no, no, Anansi, not Bree... he's still alive, yes.. Well, no I don't, you know I don't, but she's straight and most pagan men are assholes and the last thing she needs is another asshole to deal with, so... Is that Rhys? Tell him absolutely fucking not!" Claire snaps. "Okay. Okay, thanks. Love you too, honey.... I'm thinking about it... Yes, I can think and work at the same time!... It's not. I'm just making sure Krissy doesn't martyr herself and her baby... right... thank you so much and tell Hjorprimul I owe her one... okay... I love you. Bye."
"And how is your babygulrot?' Krissy calls from house as she walks down from the porch. Claire just flips her off. "C'mon baby, don't be like that, you know I love you."
"Will you just shut up and tell me what you found?"
"Some great nursery ideas and an obstetrician with an Egyptian sister in law. Worth checking out, right? At the very least we can see about getting a list of women who's baby-daddy's might be at risk. What about you?" Krissy takes out a slim jim and starts eating it.
"I couldn't find anything." Claire snatches the meat away and puts it back in Krissy's suit pocket. "But Hel doesn't have any diplomatic relations with mother protecting goddesses, so we're good on that front. But also down an option for peaceful negotiation with whoever it is. Look up Egyptian goddesses who protect pregnant women or even just have a lion counterpart, while I drive. And don't eat until we're in the car."
"Okay."Krissy accepts that she won't be driving the car for the duration of her pregnancy given she almost fell asleep at the wheel earlier that morning. "Can we stop for lunch? I'm starving and this just isn't good enough." She takes out the meat stick and waves it around, not biting into it until she gets in the car.
"It's not even eleven." Claire protests.
"Don't care. Momma's hungry and craving red meat." Krissy rubs her stomach giving Claire a pointed look.
"Do you have money for steak? Because I don't."
"Nah, but I do have money for a quadruple bypass from Biggerson's."
"And a side salad or something green at least so I can tell Josephine you're eating properly." Claire gets in the car.
"Or we could not and say we did? I'm taking the prenatals. I'm good to go." Krissy sits in the middle of the back seat, propping her feet up on the armrest in between the front seats. Claire just sighs, refrains from reminding Krissy that the vitamin is just in case, not a free pass to eat crap, and starts the car. "Nice, isn't it? Everything works, nothings falling off, and it's made in the century, too."
"Hel wants me to move in and become the leader of the Valkyrie." Claire says, completely missing the jab at her car.
"Oh, wow. So... you're leaving me?" Krissy asks, knowing that's probably not the appropriate reaction, but unable to help herself.
"No. I don't know yet. I don't know..."
"Do... do you want to?"
"Kind of, yeah, but not really. I don't know." Claire hunches her shoulder's a bit defensively. "You're having a baby anyways."
"I'm not... keeping him. I'm not quitting and settling down to go the whole mommy route... and I didn't mean it like that. It's just.. I like you, Claire. I like working with you. I hate your car, but you don't sexually assault me, we know the same people, you're a badass, you don't think I can't be because I'm a girl, I don't have to be super butch all the time just to prove myself, I can be my self. Plus your best friend is a crazy ass trickster so you put up with me incredibly well, and it'll just really suck to loose that, that's all." Krissy confesses.
"I don't sexually... who the hell did you partner with before me and do we need to go beat their asses or what?" Claire glances back at her. Krissy just sighs and looks away.
"I love your sister's phone. Why don't we have phones this good?"
"Because they get destroyed way too frequently to keep spending that much on a phone?"
"Right." Krissy looks out the window.
"Do you have your seat belt on?"
"Yeah."
"Under the bulge?"
"Jesus, Claire. Yes, I know.. when I have a bulge it'll go under It."
"Sorry."
"You definitely have the bossing everyone around part down. Maybe you do need underlings." She grumbles.
"I said I was sorry! Now google me directions to the stupid obstetricians."
"Will you put that away? We're trying to be professional." Claire snaps as Krissy munches on her second quadruple bypass.
"Maybe if you were willing to wait, I wouldn't have to eat it now. I'm not starving my baby boy for your pointless timetable." Krissy responds, looking down as a drop of ketchup and mustard plops down onto her chest.
"And now you've stained your shirt." Claire points out.
"No, I'm good, it just got in my cleavage." Krissy takes out a napkin and wipes it up. "I should install a garbage disposal in there, seriously."
"Button up, will you?" Claire starts to button Krissy's blouse up as soon as she tosses the napkin away.
"What about you? You're three buttons to the wind." Krissy flicks one of Claire's loose buttons.
"It's three sheets to the wind which means drunk so doesn't apply and I'm not flashing the room with my bounty."
"I am not!" Krissy protests. "It's not my fault I have bigger breasts than you. Besides just because we're Federal agents doesn't mean we have to be androgynous automatons. Haven't you seen Miss Congeniality?"
"You're federal agents." A middle aged man states skeptically. "Let me see your badges."
"Why are you taking a survey?" Krissy asks, and takes another bite of burger.
"No, but these are my offices and I assume if you are claiming to be federal agents, you're not here for a new obgyn." he replies dryly.
"No. I just saw mine yesterday. Look, it's a jelly bean!" Krissy holds out the crumpled ultrasound pics.
"Will you stop saying that?" Claire snatches it back and shoves it back into her pocket. "I'm sorry, my paprtner's suffering from a case of pregnancy brain, and having a little trouble being a professional." Claire takes her badge out. "I'm agent Bild, this is Agent Gunderson. Do you mind if we ask you a few questions?"
"About?" He unlocks the door.
"The recent killings were fathers of your patient's babies to be. Obviously we don't want anything that would violte doctor patient privilege, but..." Claire gives him a smile. he just raises and eyebrow.
"I thought it was a mountain lion." He opens the door. "Please don't bring that into my office, the building is prone to rodent problems." He addresses Krissy, tapping the no food or drink sign. Krissy shrugs and leans against the wall to finish her food.
"I'll catch up." She informs Claire who tightens her lips and goes inside while Krissy just enjoys her food. "Mmmmm. How is this so good?" she moans. even after the first one it hits the spot.
"Good afternoon." A middle aged woman carrying a good sized basket walks up to the door. Krissy guickly shoves the last bite into her mouth and tosses the wrapper, opening the door for her. "Oh, thank you." She smiles and places it down on the center table untying the cloth bag inside to reveal a dozen little knit teddy bears with blue and pink shirts.
"Awww," Krissy coos, picking one up. "These are so cute. Did you make these?"
"Yes. I have little to do with my husband overseas. So I make them for my brother in law's patients in my free time."
"Just his patients?" She gives the woman a puppy eyed pout.
"Yes." the woman points to the little embroidered shirts that say Baby's1st Bear.
"Can I buy one?"
"I don't know." She looks a bit reluctant, so Krissy holds the bear up in front of her face.
"But I want to be her baby's bear. Chrysander needs a teddy bear." She nods it's head as she lisps in a high cutesy tone.
"Oh, very well." the woman laughs. "And no charge. You are having a boy?"
"Fairly sure. Though at the moment it's just a jellybean. Do you have any children?"
"No. I ... no." She gives a weak smile. "Fortunately Barry does not want children and I shall be an aunt soon so..."
"That must be hard."
"Yes, but at least I can help others do what I cannot. Be careful, you are in a dangerous line of work and that child in your womb is so very fragile." she gives Krissy's stomach a wistful look.
"I know." Krissy forces a smile. Her phone rings. 'Krissy' calling. "What? Oh, right. Excuse me a moment. and thank you." She tucks the little bear in her breast pocket and answers the phone. "Hey, Alex, is everything okay?"
"Yeah, sorry to call, but Thanatos is kind of freaking out not being able to get ahold of you, or know where you are." Alex explains. "Especially when I told him you were on a hunt."
"Oh, crap. Him. Right. I guess I do need to talk to him about the baby more, but the last time just went so well, I'm kind of putting it off." Krissy confesses moving closer to the door. "Let him now I'm okay and I'll text him tonight, would you?"
"Sure. Any word from John?"
"No. Not yet."
"Oh." Alex actually sounds disappointed. "Okay. Okay, thanks. And good luck."
"Thanks. You two. Hey, when we get back, we'll take you to get stuff for your apartment... um, after they fix it I mean. If they can fix it." Krissy smacks her forhead.
"Right. Tell Claire I said, hi. Bye." Alex hangs up.
"So, you're from Egypt, right? It must be quite an adjustment moving here."
"Yes. I miss the markets and the weather. It gets absurdly cold here. Cairo is much more temperate. Everything is different, but it is safer. The riots have claimed many lives. Not every country has been so sanguine about the fertility crisis. Some thought it was a judgement upon us for our sinfulness, or the end of days. Some men will use any excuse to further their agendas, religious or political." She shakes her head a bit scornfully. "And it never involves punishing those who do actual wrong."
"You're not very religious?"
"No. It is hard to have faith in any religion with so many terrible followers. Every religion is rife with hypocrites and gods that do nothing and likely never did. What are federal agents doing here if I may ask." She looks at her curiously.
"Oh, right. I'm agent Gunderson, Marge, FBI." Krissy takes out her badge. "We were sent to look into the animal deaths, it mirrors certain cult activities in other places and we're supposed to check it out. Did you know any of the deceased?"
"No, not really, only by reputation. I can't believe Mr. Anderson was killed. He always seemed like such a good man, and loving husband, but you never can tell can you." She shakes her head.
"You say taught like you think being killed by a lion is a... moral judgment." Krissy frowns.
"Don't you?" Akila looks at her innocently. But god help her, she really does.