No, No, That is Too Much Goat
Much to his surprise, Gabriel actually waits for Raphael to catch up with her.
“I fail to understand why you’re so nervous. This is just an insignificant pagan trickster. It’s not possible he could be any sort of threat to you.” Raphael looks at his clearly unsettled sister.
“Well, no. In terms of power and general trickiness, no, not as such.” She looks over at him a bit reluctantly. “It’s just.. you won’t tell anyone this will you?”
“Please tell me he’s not a former lover.” Raphael begs. The involuntary shudder she gives makes him feel both relievied and concerned.
“No! No. Oh, dad, no. I just… I have this… thing about spiders.” She explains. As usual her explanations explain nothing and just raise further questions.
“That is even more incomprehensible. You are an archangel. In a vessel. Spiders are even more benign to you than most are to humanity in general.”
“I know that. I’m not an idiot. I just… Do you remember that cluster fuck in babylon?”
“I wasn’t there. I was still at the front in the desert.” Raphael demures,not wanting to talk about that whole painful affair.
“Did Michael tell you about when she saved me from some of Lucifer’s followers?”
“Yes, you wouldn’t fight them properly and one speared your wings with a spear seared by holy fire. She abandoned the front line to go to your aid. After the fires, when we realized what that was, she vowed to always go when you called. No matter what. We lost three of ours while she was done.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. You’re more important to us, you always were. Anyway it wasn’t your fault. You weren’t prepared for any of it.” Raphael brushes his wings against hers. “I can’t imagine what it was like being thrust in the middle of that not knowing what was going on.
“Well, apparently they weren’t supposed to do that and in my last visit to australia I came across Lucifer’s punishment for the angel who had done it. He was… bound and his vessel infested with dozens of kinds of spiders, devouring and laying eggs just.. this was two thousand years after. His grace snuffed out by the constant damage and repair and I haven’t been able to go back there since and spiders just…” She shudders again.
“That… is moderately understandable.” Raphael feels a bit uneasy himself. “But if he hadn’t been bound and cut off from the host, they never would have been able to damage him.” His attempt to reassure his sister just prompts her annoyance.
“I know that, but it doesn’t make a difference to how I feel, Raph. You can’t logic away fear.”
“Isn’t that what therapy is?” Try as he might he can’t keep the scorn from his voice.
“No.” Gabriel lights down on a beach in Jamaica, beside an african couple. The man is reclining on a beach chair. The woman is carrying him some wine and a bowl of buttered sweet peas. Raphael can see her wings are frazzled but aside from that she’s all smiles. “Nanzi! Long time no see.” She approaches him with open arms.
“Loki!” The grin is returned in equal measure and the man gets to his feet. “I like the new look. Bronzer?”
“No, my vessel’s part pakistani. Speaking of vessels. Let me introduce my elder sibling. Raphi, Nanzi. Nanzi, Raphi.” She pulls her brother reluctantly from the veil.
“A pleasure.” he goes to take and kiss Raphael’s hand but a stony glare makes him think better of it. “Not the friendly type, is she?”
“No.” Raphael says bluntly. “Where is Alex Jones? What have you done with her?” Gabriel just sighs and covers her eyes.
“Not big on foreplay, either, I see. I like that in a girl.” The spider god smirks. “What makes you think I have her?” Raphael just reaches out and grabs the man by the neck.
“I have better things to do than waste my time parlaying with pagans. Return her to us immediately or I will destroy you.”
“Oh, for the love of all that is, Raph. I can’t take you anywhere.” Babe tries to pry his hand off the amused god.
“Not one for diplomacy, either, is she?” Anansi quips trying to hide the fact that he can’t escape the angel’s grip.
“I do not treat with false gods and usurpers. Tell us where she is. Now, and hope she has not been harmed.”
“Sorry, Nanzi, Just give us our human back and we’ll get out of your way.” Babe promises.
“I can’t. She is with my mother, who is with my brothers and I’m not allowed to go there for at least ten years.” He explains.
“Are the consequences of doing so worse than a painful torturous death?” Raphael asks coolly.
“Raph, if she’s with Asase Ya, I know where she is. Will you put him down? And don’t kill my friends just because they’re pagans. They can’t help how they were made.” Babe starts to poke his arm.
“This creature is not your friend.”
“Let him go.” She starts poking him with both index fingers.
“Stop it.”
“No. And if you kill him, I will poke you until the end of time. Let him go. Let him go. Let him go. Let him go. Let him go. Let him go. Let him go. Let him go. Let him go. Please let him go,. C’mon. C’mon. C’mon. C’mon. C’mon. C’mon. C’mon. C’mon. C’mon. C’mon. C’mon. C’mon. C’mon.” Babe’s surprised how quickly Raphael breaks and tosses Anansi aside to try and grab his sister who blows the spider god a kiss and takes off.
“What is wrong with you? Why must you behave that way? And in front of pagan deities? Have you no pride? No sense of shame and propriety?” Raphael demands. His sister just starts laughing so hard she forgets to flap her wings and drops out of the sky. He quickly catches her before she can plunge into the water.
“Raphael, if I ever behaved as if I had either a sense of shame of propriety, they wouldn’t believe I was really me.” She tweaks his nose, and puts her arms around his neck. “Thank you for going with me and letting me play the good cop. I’d never have been able to hide my unease if you weren’t there. The last thing I needed was to give him ammunition.”
“I find it very hard to believe that none of your ‘friends’ have ever tried to kill you.” He tosses her aside so she can fly on her own again.
“Who says they didn’t? Please. People tried to kill me all the time. Pagans have no sense of humor.” She sighs shaking her head.
“Have you considered that perhaps their sense of humor is not the problem?” Raphael scolds her.
“Have you considered that if you garner a reputation of being liable to do absolutely anything for no reason other than it amuses you, and of having a sense of humor that is strange and boundless, you can do absolutely anything without it causing suspicion or seem out of character so long as it can be arguable found amusing in some way?” She winks at her brother. Raphael just looks over at her considering and lands at the edge of a lush property in West Africa. There are several incredibly well kept mango trees and the land is fertile to a degree he hasn’t seen in a long time. Each flower and bud and leaf is perfectly formed and free of disease or defect. Next to heaven’s garden it’s the most pleasant land he’s set foot in for a long time. He strongly desires to take off his shoes and stockings and just walk barefoot through the grasses.
“Now let me handle this, okay? Just… be quiet and do nothing unless I tell you to. Please? Leave the talking to me.” Babe pleads. Raphael rolls his eyes and nods. “Oh, and we’ll have to wear something more suitable.” She snaps her fingers changing their clothing into loud lacy dresses. Raphael immediately changes his own back to the suit. “Don’t you know anything about diplomacy? Establishing good will?” She charges it back again.
“I believe it involves hitting people with a big stick?” Raphael mutes the colors at least. Babe looks briefly annoyed then grins at his brother.
“Did you just make a joke? You just made a joke. You did.” She smiles that adorable yet annoying smiles of hers.
“Can we just get this over with?” He frowns and follows Babe to the front gate. There are goats and chickens in the front yard. One billy goat seems to be considering charging them but a look from Raphael changes his mind.
“Loki, what an unexpected surprise.” A sturdy african woman with skin as rich as the dark loam of Raphael’s angelic form and clothing as bright as the dresses his sister gave them, opens the door. “I am afraid you have just missed breakfast. Would you care for some tea?”
“Maybe something a little stronger.” She smiles and kisses the woman’s hand. “This is my sister, Raphi, heaven’s greatest healer and horticulturalist. Raphi this is Asase Ya, Earth goddess and mother of Bia, Tano and Anansi.”
“Your garden is flawless.” Raphael looks back to it.
“Thank you. It always nice to meet one with a proper appreciation of my talents. Come in, come in.” She waves them inside. “So, Loki, what is this, eh? Why do you take such a form?” She clucks at Babe’s small female body.
“Not my first choice,but I am female so it is more appropriate.”
“That is even worse. A lady behaving in such a way, galavanting about, promiscuous, drinking, smoking. No wonder your daughter has been unable to find a husband. Where is your father? I must take him to task for the shameful neglect responsible for this.” She scolds.
“We have tried everything we can think of to get Gabrielle to behave. It’s an impossible task. Her chaotic mischief is too great to be contained.” Raphael solemnly shakes his head. “I hear you have a similar problem with your son, Anansi.”
“Yes, but he listens to his mother. This is your problem. You angels have no mother, only a father, all soul, no heart. No one to teach a girl how to behave like a real woman.”
“Speaking of chaotic mischief.” Gabriel interrupts a little testily. “We are looking for our friend, Alex Jones. Nanzi said he brought her here.”
“Ah, yes, little Alexis, the future doctor. She has come to pay us a visit and hopefully talk some sense into my boys. We were most disappointed when her sister won her hand in that nonsense competition of Anansi’s. But perhaps now that farce in undone she can be gotten a proper husband. She is a friend of yours, tell me, what does she like?” Asase Ya sits down and pats Babe’s knee. “And is there any hope for her in the domestic arena. She has still not finished the pots. I fear a maid servant may be a necessity for any decently run household.”
“Well, she’ll never make a fuss about her husband putting his shoes in the wrong place. Or nag him to take out the trash.” Babe looks at her brother. ”Raphi, why don’t you go give her a hand while I discuss a few things with Asase.”
“Will I also be escorting her home?” Raphael asks flatly. Babe shakes her head, practically begging him to listen to her. “Very well, When we have finished we will rejoin you.” Raphael turns and walks towards the kitchen where he can detect a human presence.
“Look at your sister. Poise, elegance, confidence. If you insist on being a woman, that is the kind of woman you should be.” Asase Ya appraises Raphael approvingly. “She is your elder sister? Or younger?”
“Older. She’s very tidy, and organized, takes no nonsense.
I have to admit, she’s pretty much become the ideal wife, though in truth she was dedicated to keeping house for our brother Michael while he ruled heaven.” Babe smiles leaning back.
“She is unmarried, then.”
Alex scrubs at the pots as hard as she can. Her dress is ruined but the larger she’s in here the less she’s out there, having to attempt family therapy while fending off their advances.
“You are a very hard worker, however skilled.”Tano compliments from the door. “Come, take a break and let these things soak, while we go for a stroll through the garden.”
“Oh, I couldn’t possibly even think of leaving the kitchen in this state.” Alex replies when suddenly everything is pristine and back either where it belongs or where it should be. ”Fuck.” she whispers.
“May I help you?” Tano straightens up.
“No. I am merely here for my sister’s friend. Alex are you unharmed?” Alex looks back a bit surprised to see Raphael there and not in a suit.
“I’m fine. I just… received a surprise and sudden invitation to visit Asase ya and her boys.” Alex gives a tight lipped smile.
“I see. You should have notified someone. Your sister was… concerned.”
“Someone should keep an eye on Claire. It’s her turn to be abducted next.” Alex gripes rubbing her eyes.
“Gabrielle is waiting for us in the living room.” Raphael dismissively appraises Tano and takes Alex by the arm leading her out. Though he expected the girl to be annoyed, she seems more relieved than anything else.
“Well, hello.” Bia greets them as they enter the room. “Surely this radiant creature is not the sister you spoke of.”
“I didn’t realize you had time to say much of anything.” Raphael gives his little sister a suspicious glance. Her shrug is accompanied by an air of innocence that never bodes well.
“All good things.” Asase Ya reassures him, her voice kindly.
“She did not mention your beauty. Loki, you made her sound like a dour old spinster, not the vital young thing I see before me. Did she understate your other assets as well?” Bia gets up from the arm of the sofa as Raphael gives his sister a hard look.
“Most likely.”
“I have this new breed of yam I am cultivating. It does very well in dry conditions but it is excessively susceptible to rot and over watering. Perhaps you could help me see what I am doing wrong.” Bia gives Raphael a charming smile. As little as he cares to associate with pagans the request does intrigue him. It’s been a while since he’s really worked directly with earth’s flora and he misses it.
“I can take Alex home. Unless you need me to stay and show you the way back.” Babe teases. Raphael gives her a look.
“I am perfectly capable of finding my own way home, take Miss Jones back to her sister so she does not disturb Michael any further.” Raphael instructs her. “I will return as soon as I have examined the garden.”
“This way, ma’am.” Bia bows gesturing to the outdoors.
“Alright, then. I think we have an understanding.” Babe offers Asase Ya her hand. She shakes it and nods.
“It is much appreciated. I thank you for your generosity.”
“My generosity is nothing compared to yours.” Babe smiles. “Alex would be more than happy to give your boys family counseling. She simply has a prior commitment. As soon as she’s available, I will make certain she set up appointments for Bia and Tano. If they’re still fighting then, that is.”
“I will hold you to that, trickster. Also, do not forget your goat.” Asase vigorously claps and shakes her hands
“No, of course not.” Bree smiles and snaps her fingers taking Alex back to her apartment, along with a small billy goat who promptly walks over to her trash can and starts eating a small cardboard box.
“What did you do? Why do you have this goat? Why did they just send me home like that?” Alex demands, not a little alarmed at the apparent ease of the whole thing.
“Well, now that Michael’s back, even as she is, heaven’s considered a major player again. The pagans are going to try and exploit any connection to me as much as possible. So if I have prior claim to a human…” She shrugs and pats the goat’s head. “Aww, look at you, eating every piece of crap that crosses your path. I think I’ll call you Dean junior. How does that sound my little Deanie Weenie?” The goat ignores her.
“Why did they give you a goat? Why did you take a goat?” For some reason the question makes Babe gives a mischievous grin.
“It’s a bribe. Asase has mild interest in obtaining you as a bride for her son due to your supernatural connection but she has two sons who need wives, not just one.”
“Oh my god, Bree. Tell me you didn’t…” Alex gapes at her. “Tell me you didn’t trade..”
“No! Of course not.” Babe puts an offended hand to her chest. “I’m the youngest. I don’t have that kind of authority. I told you,it’s a bribe. One of the great things of being a trickster is that sometimes people will give you stuff not to do things. So this is just a gift in exchange for my not interfering in Bia’s courtship and to support the proposed union when he brings his offer of marriage to our head of the household, Michael.”
“Oh my god.” Alex covers her face. “He is going to kill you. He’s going to kill Bia and probably Tano. You have to save them!”
“No, I can’t. I gave my word not to interfere.” Babe pats the goats head and gives Alex a rather mean grin this time. “Insult my daughter, will she? Arrogant twat.”
“Your brother is still going to murder you.”
“Nah, I can deal with Raph.”
“He should murder you. What the hell?” Alex throws her shoe at Babe, who ducks.
“Trust me, Raphael can take care of himself. I’m going to take junior here to see his namesake. Get some rest. And next time you get kidnapped by pagans, remember to pray?” She blows Alex a kiss and dissappears.