So Loved
There is a deafening silence in the room. Beatrice and Laurel are both staring at Lexa, trying to gauge her reaction. She’s in shock right now. Suddenly, it all makes sense. Lexa never understood how a mother could be so cruel to her own flesh and blood. And now the truth is out there. Beatrice isn’t her mother.
“What?” Lexa says shakily.
“By the time that bitch told your father that she was pregnant, she couldn’t get rid of you.” Beatrice aims her word’s to stab Lexa in the heart. “He wanted to leave me.” Beatrice laughs out loud. “In what world does a man of Charles’ stature leave someone of my standing for a stripper! I told him the prenup was iron clad and if he even thought of trying to divorce me, I’d suck his assets dry. He wouldn’t have a goddamn penny. So your father, being the sensible man he is, made a compromise. He knew your mother wouldn’t be able to financially support you, so he offered to take you. In exchange, she got a hefty check and a contact that she could never contact you. And I got to continue living the lavish lifestyle that being Charles Woods wife afforded me. I couldn’t let anyone think I was raising the daughter of my husband’s cheap tawdry affair though so we said you were my own. But you couldn’t be farther from my blood, you little worthless whore. I’m what sophistication looks like. You’re just like your mother only worse. At least she got paid -”
Lexa slaps Beatrice across the face. Tears are streaming down her face and her chest is heaving. Her body is on fire in fury.
“You think your blood is so special? The only good that has come from your line is Laurel. Everyone else are blood sucking leeches who look plastic by the time they hit thirty just like you. You live a sad pathetic life where your reputation is the thing you hold the most dear. Make no mistake, you were never a mother to me. Hell, you were barely a mother to Laurel! The worst type of people in this world are the ones who have to put other people down to bring themselves up. So you want to sit there acting like you’re better than me, well fine. If you are what ‘sophistication’ looks like then I want no part of it.” Lexa is fuming. Laurel is holding her back gently so Beatrice and her don’t come to physical blows again.
“Get the hell out!” Beatrice screams and Lexa just scoffs and walks out of the house. Laurel tries to stop her but Lexa says she just needs space. The emotionally distraught basketball player grabs here folder and hops on her bike into the darkness of the night. Laurel comes into the house to see her mother with her permanent scowl etched on her face.
“That little bitch-” Beatrice starts but Laurel cuts her off.
“THAT IS ENOUGH!” Laurel screams with such authority that she is even shocked at the pure ferocity behind it. “You have bullied and emotionally abused my beautiful sister since she was a baby. You have repeatedly tried to break her spirits because she reminded you that father could never love an emotionless greedy pathetic excuse of a woman like yourself. She reminded you that you were in a loveless marriage of convenience. You never cared. You only pretended to love me to hurt her, didn’t you? For me, you were an absentee parent. But for Lexa, you were hell on Earth. If I started talking about the cruelness Lexa was subject to thanks to you, I’d never stop. Lexa has wasted too many tears on someone who doesn’t deserve them. And quite frankly so have I.”
“Laurel, you don’t understand. That girl isn’t worth the trash in the street-”
“Don’t you fucking finish that sentence.” Laurel says sharply. She is about the walk away when something pops into her head. She turns back around. “I’m 18. That means I automatically get my shares of the company, the house, and the unused plots. You’re no longer going to be Lexa’s guardian. We are going to hire a lawyer and you’re going to be out of our lives for good. Go to one of the many houses that Daddy graciously gave you but you certainly didn’t deserve. This is over. Stay until you make arrangements elsewhere and then get out. You may not be Lexa’s mother by blood, but now you are not my mother by my choice.” Laurel says calmly and fiercely. Laurel goes upstairs to her room and slams the door, deeply worried about her sister.
Beatrice stands their jaw slacked and stunned that her daughter chose Lexa’s side in this. Truthfully though, Beatrice is still outraged that she was cheated of her money. Still, that’s the only thing that woman cares about. Laurel and Lexa are better off.
///
Lexa’s eyes are blurry with tears and her mind is clouded by anger and sadness. This whole time she could have had a mother who loved her, who accepted her. Instead, she had Beatrice. Beatrice broke her and Lexa is only now just starting to pick up the pieces. Lexa doesn’t even know where she’s going until she realizes she’s parked outside the Griffins’. Lexa wonders if she really should bother Clarke with all her baggage but right now she’s falling apart at the seams and Clarke is the only one that’s going to make her feel better.
Lexa knocks on the door and Jake opens it. She tries to hide her tear stained face but of course Jake sees it.
“Jake, I - I’m sorry for stopping by but um do you think I...could -” Lexa stammers for a moment.
“Oh honey. Come in, come in. You’re always welcome and don’t you forget that.” Jake says genuinely and hugs Lexa. Usually Lexa is uncomfortable by hugs, but Jake is such a sweet man. She feels comfortable around him. In the short time Lexa has known him, he’s become like a sort of father figure to her.
“Now I didn’t know your Daddy but he sure raised an amazing daughter. He’d be proud of you.” Jake lets go of Lexa and she smiles at him with watery eyes. Jake means well but of course he doesn’t know that Lexa’s father barely raised her.
“Thank you.” Lexa says quietly. Jake can tell Lexa wants Clarke right now.
“Clarke is in her room. Go on up, you know where it is.” Jake says gently. When Lexa is halfway up the stairs, Jake calls out to her. “Oh and Lexa, you are more than welcome to stay the night if you want.” Lexa thanks him and makes his way to Clarke’s room.
She opens Clarke’s door and Clarke is sketching on her bed. Clarke looks up to see who’s at her bedroom door. When she sees it’s an emotionally broken looking Lexa, she immediately shoots up. Lexa walks inside and shuts the door to Clarke’s bedroom, standing awkwardly. It’s disorienting to see Lexa cry. Lexa has never cried in front of her. Lexa smiles through the tears and mumbles out a quiet vulnerable ‘hi’ before breaking down into tears. Clarke catches her in a warm embrace.
“This isn’t fair. Life has given you such a shitty hand. I’m so sorry.” Clarke mumbles into Lexa’s hair. Lexa appreciates the honesty. Most people would just tell her it’s going to get better. They would tell her that her father is in a better place. They would tell her a bunch of lines that won’t make her feel better. Her father just died, a father she barely knew. Her mother isn’t actually her mother. She’s running on pure adrenaline right now. Her life has crashed down on its axis in the span of two days and she has barely had a moment to process it. She doesn’t want to think about how it’s going to get better, she wants to cry. She wants to grieve her father, her childhood. She has a right to. And she doesn’t want to think about ‘focusing on the positives’ or anything like that. not now at least.
“M-my mom...she isn’t my mom.” Lexa cries into Clarke’s shoulder. Clarke holds her tight and listens to Lexa’s cryptic words, trying to understand what she’s saying between all the sobs.
“Sweetie, I don’t understand.” Clarke softly says, petting Lexa’s hair. Lexa doesn’t explain any further and Clarke lets it go for now. Lexa needs a long cry. She has been bottling it all in for so long. After what seems like forever, Lexa is out of tears to cry and she’s exhausted. Clarke gives her a bottle of water that was on her nightstand and Lexa greedily gulps it all down. She’s so parched from all the tears that should have been shed long ago.
Lexa, still clutching onto Clarke’s side, is calmer now. She is so tired and just wants to rest her eyes but she doesn’t want to leave Clarke’s side. She can’t stand the thought of leaving Clarke’s warmth for the cold of being alone right now. She’s never felt as safe as with Clarke Griffin.
“Can we lay down?” Lexa says insecurely.
“Of course. Whatever you want.” Clarke says sincerely and they break the hug and move to the bed. Clarke lays down and Lexa bites her lip, unsure of herself. Clarke looks up at her confused.
“And um..” Lexa shifts her weight nervously between her feet. “Can you hold me?” Lexa says so soft and so broken that it stabs at Clarke’s heart. She swears she will protect this girl for as long as Lexa will have her.
“Yes.” Clarke breathes out tenderly and opens up her arms. “Come here.” Lexa crawls into Clarke’s embrace. Clarke kisses the top of Lexa’s head and the younger Woods’ shivers at the contact. It makes her feel all warm and tingly in a time where she thought she couldn’t possibly feel more emotions. Lexa’s eyes flutter open and shut.
“Rest Lex. I’ll be here when you wake up.” There’s so much left unsaid but it’s enough for now. Being in Clarke’s arms is enough.
///
Lexa wakes up to the sun peeking in through Clarke’s bay window. She feels groggy and tired. Lexa realizes she’s lying almost completely on Clarke. Her face is tucked in between Clarke’s shoulder and neck. Lexa tenses for a moment. She tries to get up, feeling as if she is somehow invading Clarke’s personal space. But Clarke’s hand has a fist full of Lexa’s shirt, keeping Lexa firmly in her place. Clarke frowns in her sleep and mumbles out a distressed ‘no.’ Lexa smiles at her and abandons the notion of moving farther away from Clarke’s embrace, reveling in the affection. She lays back down and falls back into a light sleep.
Clarke wakes up about an hour later. It’s still very early. She wakes up to Lexa’s luscious brown curls in her face. Clarke rubs at her eyes and begins to wake up. Her hand has somehow moved under Lexa’s shirt in the past hour and is right on the warm skin of the basketball player’s back. Clarke removes her hand quickly and the movement wakes Lexa up as well. Lexa’s eyes scrunch up and her lips smack together. It’s the cutest thing ever and if it wasn’t for the grim circumstances surrounding them, Clarke might have just given in and kissed Lexa right there and then.
“Hi.” Lexa quietly says and Clarke melts. Her voice is thick with sleep and small, almost childlike. Lexa sits up and rubs at her eyes, looking around the room.
“Morning.” Clarke says as she yawns. “How do you feel?” Clarke hates asking the question. Obviously Lexa feels like shit. But she really wants to know how Lexa feels. She wants Lexa to know that her feelings, whatever they may be, are valid.
Lexa ponders the question for the moment. How does she feel? Her father is dead. She’s mourning the loss of a man she barely knew. It confuses her. She knows how she is suppose to feel. But it’s not the same as it is for Laurel. For Lexa, she is deeply saddened that Charles has passed. But she is more so grieving the fact that she will never be able to foster a real relationship with her own father. And after last night, she is starting to question everything she thought she knew about her father. He is essentially a stranger to her. More so than he ever was before.
Lexa also doesn’t know how to feel about the whole Beatrice bombshell. She’s ecstatic that Beatrice isn’t her mother. But it just means her whole life has been a life. And she has a mother out there somewhere. A mom that she never met. A mom. Lexa has a real chance at motherly love. It’s all so confusing.
“I don’t know.” Lexa finally croaks out and Clarke nods.
“Thank you for last night. I’m sorry if I -”
“No thank yous or apologies needed.” Clarke firmly says. “When I told you, I was here for you, I meant it. I care about you Lexa...deeply.” Clarke says the last part very soft and Lexa’s heart starts a thudding now familiar to her whenever she’s around Clarke.
“I’m not used to that.” Lexa vulnerably says.
“What? People being there for you or people caring about you?” Clarke asks curiously and a little shockingly.
Lexa smiles sadly and responds. “Both.”
Sure, Lexa has Laurel. Laurel has been her lifeline, but besides her, she’s been alone a lot. She has friends and they are amazing. But she’s still always felt so alone. Clarke is the only person that makes her feel alive and dare she say..loved. Clarke makes her feel whole. When she’s around Clarke, she doesn’t feel the void in her heart she always feels. She feels warm. She feels at home.
“Well you better get used to it because I am not going anywhere.” Clarke says truly and Lexa can’t help but smile wide. She hopes to God that’s true. Now that she has met Clarke Griffin, Lexa doesn’t think she can ever imagine a life without her.
“Thank you Clarke. You don’t know what this all means to me.” Lexa says in awe. Her voice turns shakier at the next words out of her mouth. “Last night, I learned my entire life has been a lie.”
Clarke frowns in confusion. “What do you mean?”
“Well for my whole life, my parents were never there for me. My father ignored me for the most part. Sometime he was nice, but only when my mom...when Beatrice wasn’t around. Beatrice was horrible to me. She made me feel worthless and unlovable.” Lexa quietly says and Clarke is filled up with anger. She never knew why Lexa hated talking about her emotions so much but now it all makes sense. Clarke really wants to kick Beatrice’s ass.
“Last night though, she finally told me why.” Lexa pauses and gulps. Saying the words out loud will make this all feel so real. “Beatrice isn’t my biological mother. My father had an affair with a woman and that’s my mother. My father and Beatrice lied to everyone and said I was their child together. But I’m not.” Lexa feels a weight lifted off her shoulder. Clarke’s eyes widen at the new information.
“Lexa.” Clarke gasps in shock and Lexa nods, chuckling a little.
“I was shocked at first too. I’m still shocked, but I’m kind of relieved. Beatrice is a horrible woman. It means so much that she isn’t my mother. It changes everything.” Lexa says in awe and Clarke smiles gently for her.
“It’s a good thing Clarke. A really good thing. I feel like I can love myself now.” Lexa says with a smile on her face and it breaks Clarke’s heart. That last sentence really shatters Clarke’s heart. Lexa never thought she could love herself thanks to Beatrice’s inhumane ways. How could a mother do such a thing? Because Beatrice might not have given birth to Lexa, but Lexa was her child for 18 years. How could she be so cruel to an innocent child?
“Lexa, you are so loved.” Clarke says, cupping Lexa’s cheeks. “You need to realize that even if Beatrice was your mother, you still would be so loved. You deserve love no matter who your parents are and how they treated you. Their actions are not yours to bear. You love yourself because you are a kind loving individual. Everyone deserves love from not only themselves but from others. And trust me, you have so much of both. You are so loved.” Clarke says the words in a shaky voice but her words hold the utmost sincerity in them. Lexa’s lip trembles and her heart aches but in a good way. Clarke’s words hit her hard. They will forever touch her heart and her soul.
“I..” Lexa starts a sentence but trails off, at a loss for words. She’s stunned into silence. She didn’t realize how much Clarke cared for her. She didn’t even realize how deep her own feelings for Clarke run until this moment. Or perhaps she always knew, but she was too afraid to admit it to herself. Because if she was in love with Clarke Griffin, that means Lexa finally realized she was worthy of love. And now she knows both statements are wholeheartedly true.
Lexa doesn’t even expect it when Clarke leans in closer. Clarke’s lips barely graze hers. Their lips lightly brush up against each other, breaths mingling. Clarke feels this intense rush of love for Lexa in that moment and just can’t stop herself. Her feelings have been growing with each day. Maybe they’ve always been there too, but she was terrified of them. She was in a state of denial because she thought Lexa was just going to hurt her. Now she realizes that Lexa has been hurt her whole life and that’s why she shut down. That’s why she didn’t let people in anymore. But she let Clarke in for some reason. And Clarke isn’t going to hesitate to show Lexa that love isn’t weakness.
Clarke sees the small little girl broken by a cruel woman’s constant abuse. Clarke sees the young woman who fights off her emotions with a stoic face and faceless bodies to distract her from the loneliness. Clarke sees all of Lexa. The cute dorky awkward stuttering mess Lexa turns into whenever she asks Clarke to go for lunch after practices. The confident sexy basketball player who doesn’t realize just how amazing she is. She knows the Lexa who plays up a facade so that nobody can get close. She knows the Lexa with her heart naked and dreaming of love, welcoming Clarke Griffin into its chamber. She knows Lexa Woods. And everything Clarke has learned so far hasn’t made Clarke run away. If anything, it’s made Clarke run heart first towards her.
Lexa sucks in an unsteady breath. She’s scared Clarke is going to pull away. Lexa is paralyzed in anticipation and fear. She waits for Clarke to close the distance. The two of them sit there suspended in time until Clarke fully embraces Lexa’s lips with her own. Lexa shuts her eyes and surrenders to the kiss. It’s soft and hesitant, exploratory. Both bodies are shaking from the sheer emotion of it. Their last kiss tasted of tequila and sexual tension. Their bodies craved each other that night, but their minds and hearts had not quite caught up just yet. Now though, Clarke and Lexa are completely and irrevocably in love. They might have barely admitted it to themselves but it’s there. It’s buzzing under their skin, jolting their senses alive.
Lexa can’t believe this is happening. She kisses back and it tastes like salt, tears. She doesn’t know who is crying. Maybe both of them are. It’s a tender and loving kiss. A kiss that some will never experience in their life. It’s a kiss that stems from a connection so deep, so pure, that only a select few truly can say they’ve felt something like it. There’s no tongue and it’s over much too soon. But it’s a start. A start of something beautiful but also oh so very messy.